WIZARD WORZ
CHAPTER ONE - A NEW HOPE
by Orangey Thicket
STARRING:
the good guys:
HARRY SKYWALKER Harry Potter
RON SOLO Ron Weasley
PRINCESS HERMIONE Hermione Granger
CHEWHAGGA Rubeus Hagrid
ALBUS WAN KENOBI Professor Dumbledore
MINERVODA Professor McGonagall
the bad guys:
THE EMPEROR Lord Voldemort
DRACO VADER Draco Malfoy
COLONEL FILCHO Mr Filch
UNCLE EARTHWALKER Vernon Dursley
AUNT EARTHWALKER Petunia Dursley
also featuring:
DUDDA THE HUTT Dudley Dursley
G-3PO Ginny Weasley
D2-T2 Dobby the House-Elf
WEIRD-LOOKING BAND Moaning Myrtle (lead vocals)
Mrs Norris (backing vocals)
Seamus Finnegan (lead guitar)
Dean Thomas (bass guitar)
Nearly-Headless Nick (percussion)
Once upon a time, in a far-away world, a new evil was spreading. Draco Vader and his army of Death Eaters, under the orders of The Emperor, were on the rampage, killing anyone who would not take up the Dark Arts. A few managed to escape his villainous clutches to form an alliance of rebels, simply called - the Rebellion. The Rebellion was nearly ready to battle Draco Vader and The Emperor, but they needed a New Hope - and his name was Harry Skywalker...
********************************************************************
SCENE ONE - HARRY'S BEDROOM
[Harry is gazing out of the window at the stars, thinking about the report he heard on the news that evening...]
HARRY: The Dark Arts are threatening to take over the world...oh, if only there was something I could do to stop the evil Draco Vader! [He closes the window, walks over to his bed and sits down] I could be a great warrior...
CHEWHAGGA: [suddenly entering through the window] Yes, yeh could!
HARRY: [jumps up in alarm] Who the hell are you?!
CHEWHAGGA: I'm Chewhagga, and I've come to tek yeh away.
HARRY: Where to?
CHEWHAGGA: Hogwarts - the finest Hedwig Training Academy in the world!
HARRY: What?!
CHEWHAGGA: Oh blimey, I suppose I'm going teh have teh fill yer in on yer family history, am I? Right - yer parents was killed by The Emperor when yer was very young, because yer a Hedwig. Thass why yer livin' with yer Aunt and Uncle Earthwalker.
HARRY: What's a Hedwig?
CHEWHAGGA: A Hedwig is someone who uses the Light Arts. Draco Vader and The Emperor use the Dark Arts.
UNCLE EARTHWALKER: [banging on door] What's going on in there, boy?
HARRY: Ummm, nothing?!
AUNT SKYWALKER: Don't lie to us! Open this door at once!!
CHEWHAGGA: Oo-er, time to scram! Quick, get into the Millennium Pigwidgeon!
HARRY: The Millennium What?!
[Chewhagga goes over to the window and pulls back the curtain to reveal a flying car hovering outside. It is piloted by a lad of Harry's age with flaming red hair.]
CHEWHAGGA: The Millennium Pigwidgeon, the finest flying craft in London! And this is the pilot, Ron Solo.
RON: Welcome aboard, Harry. Let's go!
[Harry and Chewhagga climb aboard, and The Millennium Pigwidgeon speeds off into the distance...]
********************************************************************
SCENE TWO - HOGWARTS HEDWIG TRAINING ACADEMY
[Everyone is gathered in the Great Hall, looking expectantly up at the stage. Suddenly, a man in flowing robes and a short, green woman appear...]
ALBUS: Greetings! I am Albus Wan Kenobi, Hedwig Master. This is the Hedwig Training Mistress, Minervoda. You are all here because you wish to learn the ways of the Hedwig, and defeat the Dark Arts. That is commen...[he is interrupted by a frantic banging at the door]
MINERVODA: Hmmm...answer it, I will.
[She opens the door and G-3PO and D2-T2 stagger in]
G-3PO: Oh, Albus Wan Kenobi! I am so glad we have found you! Something terrible has happened?
MINERVODA: Hmmm...sounds serious, it does.
G-3PO: Princess Hermione has been taken hostage by the evil Draco Vader!
[general gasps of shock and horror and stuff]
D2-T2: I have a message from the Princess for you
ALBUS: What is it?
D2-T2: It says, "Help me, Albus Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
HARRY: [whispers to Ron] Who's she?
RON: That's Princess Hermione, the leader of The Rebellion. Her parents were killed by The Emperor when she was very little...
ALBUS: Enough chit-chat! We must start the training straight away, so we can rescue Princess Hermione on Saturday!
CHEWHAGGA: Why Saturday?
ALBUS: Because I'm having a haircut on Friday. Now - to work!!
********************************************************************
SCENE THREE - IN THE MILLENNIUM PIGWIDGEON
[It is Saturday, and the gang have set off on their mission to rescue Princess Hermione from the evil clutches of Draco Vader. They have completed their training, and now they each have a weapon - a Wand Sabre - which glows a funny colour and makes a highly amusing noise]
HARRY: Where will we find Princess Hermione?
ALBUS: Draco Vader has built an impressive, indestructable, invincible, uninvadable, invisible, invitation-only flying broomstick shed, called The Death Shed. It's my guess that she'll be imprisoned there.
CHEWHAGGA: I expect we'll have to deal with a load of cunning traps and evil beasts before we can get to her - and it'll probably all end with a huge Wand Sabre fight.
RON: Wahey!!
[The Millennium Pigwidgeon lands]
ALBUS: Here's the plan, guys...G-3PO and D2-T2, you stay here and guard The Millennium Pigwidgeon. Minervoda, you are to go and fetch the Weird-Looking Band from the Forbidden Forest - they may be able to help us. Chewhagga, Ron and Harry, you must rescue the Princess, defeat Draco Vader and blow up the Death Shed. OK? Meet you all back here in ten minutes!
MINERVODA: Hmmm...plan good, it is.
RON: What about you, Albus Wan Kenobi?
ALBUS: Oh, I'll tag along with you three. Maybe blast open some doors, kill some Death Eaters, have a huge Wand Sabre battle with Draco Vader and...erm...die, I expect. Any more questions?
[general mutterings and shaking of heads]
ALBUS: I love it when a plan comes together!
********************************************************************
SCENE FOUR - INSIDE THE DEATH SHED
DRACO VADER: So, Princess Hermione, will you tell me where the Rebels' base is?
PRINCESS HERMIONE: Never!! You are an evil blaggard, you smell like poo and your breathing sound effects are pants!!
DRACO: What?! You would insult the great Draco Vader? Colonel Filcho! Kill her!!
COLONEL FILCHO: At once, my Lord! Which me-
[door suddenly bursts open and Harry, Ron, Chewhagga and Albus enter]
HARRY: Hold it right there, baddies!!
DRACO: Who the heck are you?
HARRY: I am Harry Skywalker, and I have come to rescue Princess Hermione and defeat your evil plan!!
DRACO: Dammit, this always happens!! Albus Wan Kenobi, how nice to see you again!! Draw your Wand Sabre, and we will do battle!!
ALBUS: As you wish, Vader!!
[Albus and Vader both get out their Wand Sabres and exit stage left to have a battle]
CHEWHAGGA: Right, Filcho, yer piece of scum! I've waited a long time to get revenge on yer!!
[Chewhagga attacks Colonel Filcho, and Ron runs over to the Princess]
RON: Princess Hermione! Are you alright?
PRINCESS: Yes, no thanks to you! You big-headed, egotistical, chavinistic...
[she is interrupted by the entrance of The Emperor]
THE EMPEROR: Aha! The Rebels are here - now you will all join the Dark Side!!
HARRY: (draws his Wand Sabre and waves it threateningly at The Emperor) We will never join you - you killed my father!!
EMPEROR: I am your father!!
HARRY: Noooooo!! That's not true!! That's impossible!!
[the door opens and Dudda the Hutt enters]
DUDDA: ereh no gniog si tahw! olos nor, yenom em ewo llits uoy, aha!!
(A/N: if you read this backwards it should make sense!!)
RON: Dudda the Hutt! Oh no, he still wants payment for the Millennium Pigwidgeon! Quick, Princess Hermione, let's go!!
[they run towards the door - but before they get there, it crashes open and Draco Vader enters looking triumphant]
DRACO: Ha ha ha!! I have killed Albus Wan Kenobi!!
ALBUS: (staggers into the room) It's only a flesh wound!! Come back and fight, you coward!!
[the door crashes open - yet again - and this time Minervoda enters with the Weird-Looking Band]
MINERVODA: Hmmm, cavalry arrived, it has! All this violence no good is! All be friends, let us!!
HARRY: (turns to The Emperor) Dad? Dad, is it really you?!
EMPEROR: Yes, son, it's me! (they hug) And Princess Hermione is really your twin sister - you were separated at birth!
HARRY: What?! So I'm not an orphan after all?
EMPEROR: Orphan? Orphan, orphan, orphan!
HARRY: I think you've been watching "The Pirates of Penzance" too much, Daddy!
CHEWHAGGA: (shakes Filcho's hand) No hard feelings, eh, mate?
FILCHO: No hard feelings!
ALBUS: Shall we end this fighting, Vader? It can all get rather painful!
DRACO: Yes, Albus Wan, let us join forces to rule this galaxy together! And I'll stop these bizarre sound effects as well!!
[Aunt and Uncle Earthwalker enter]
UNCLE: It sounded like there was a party going on in here!
AUNT: Harry, will you forgive us for maltreating and abusing you for eleven years of your life?
HARRY: Oh, alright then!
RON: (turning to the Princess) Hermi, I have fallen deeply in love with you. I know I'm only a pilot, and not legally old enough to marry - but will you marry me anyway?
PRINCESS: Of course I will, you daft soppy thing!! (they kiss passionately)
[G-3PO and D2-T2 enter]
G-3PO: Can we join in the party as well?
DUDDA: esruoc fo! emoclew si enoyreve!
WEIRD-LOOKING BAND: Now everyone's friends - let's rock and roll!!
[they start to play their #1 hit, "W-E-I-R-D" (to the tune of "D-I-S-C-O") and everyone begins to dance]
ALBUS: I just adore a happy ending!!
[and indeed, this is the end...or is it? Can a friendship between the Rebels and the Dark Side last? Maybe, just maybe, there will be a sequel - coming soon to a galaxy near you...]
Disclaimer: the "actors" belong to J.K. Rowling, but the characters they play belong to ME!! the plot also belongs to ME, but it is based very very loosely on an idea by George Lucas!! the #1 hit "W-E-I-R-D" belongs to the Weird-Looking Band, who are managed by ME, and the tune "D-I-S-C-O" belongs to Shakatak (i think!!)
CHAPTER ONE - A NEW HOPE
by Orangey Thicket
STARRING:
the good guys:
HARRY SKYWALKER Harry Potter
RON SOLO Ron Weasley
PRINCESS HERMIONE Hermione Granger
CHEWHAGGA Rubeus Hagrid
ALBUS WAN KENOBI Professor Dumbledore
MINERVODA Professor McGonagall
the bad guys:
THE EMPEROR Lord Voldemort
DRACO VADER Draco Malfoy
COLONEL FILCHO Mr Filch
UNCLE EARTHWALKER Vernon Dursley
AUNT EARTHWALKER Petunia Dursley
also featuring:
DUDDA THE HUTT Dudley Dursley
G-3PO Ginny Weasley
D2-T2 Dobby the House-Elf
WEIRD-LOOKING BAND Moaning Myrtle (lead vocals)
Mrs Norris (backing vocals)
Seamus Finnegan (lead guitar)
Dean Thomas (bass guitar)
Nearly-Headless Nick (percussion)
Once upon a time, in a far-away world, a new evil was spreading. Draco Vader and his army of Death Eaters, under the orders of The Emperor, were on the rampage, killing anyone who would not take up the Dark Arts. A few managed to escape his villainous clutches to form an alliance of rebels, simply called - the Rebellion. The Rebellion was nearly ready to battle Draco Vader and The Emperor, but they needed a New Hope - and his name was Harry Skywalker...
********************************************************************
SCENE ONE - HARRY'S BEDROOM
[Harry is gazing out of the window at the stars, thinking about the report he heard on the news that evening...]
HARRY: The Dark Arts are threatening to take over the world...oh, if only there was something I could do to stop the evil Draco Vader! [He closes the window, walks over to his bed and sits down] I could be a great warrior...
CHEWHAGGA: [suddenly entering through the window] Yes, yeh could!
HARRY: [jumps up in alarm] Who the hell are you?!
CHEWHAGGA: I'm Chewhagga, and I've come to tek yeh away.
HARRY: Where to?
CHEWHAGGA: Hogwarts - the finest Hedwig Training Academy in the world!
HARRY: What?!
CHEWHAGGA: Oh blimey, I suppose I'm going teh have teh fill yer in on yer family history, am I? Right - yer parents was killed by The Emperor when yer was very young, because yer a Hedwig. Thass why yer livin' with yer Aunt and Uncle Earthwalker.
HARRY: What's a Hedwig?
CHEWHAGGA: A Hedwig is someone who uses the Light Arts. Draco Vader and The Emperor use the Dark Arts.
UNCLE EARTHWALKER: [banging on door] What's going on in there, boy?
HARRY: Ummm, nothing?!
AUNT SKYWALKER: Don't lie to us! Open this door at once!!
CHEWHAGGA: Oo-er, time to scram! Quick, get into the Millennium Pigwidgeon!
HARRY: The Millennium What?!
[Chewhagga goes over to the window and pulls back the curtain to reveal a flying car hovering outside. It is piloted by a lad of Harry's age with flaming red hair.]
CHEWHAGGA: The Millennium Pigwidgeon, the finest flying craft in London! And this is the pilot, Ron Solo.
RON: Welcome aboard, Harry. Let's go!
[Harry and Chewhagga climb aboard, and The Millennium Pigwidgeon speeds off into the distance...]
********************************************************************
SCENE TWO - HOGWARTS HEDWIG TRAINING ACADEMY
[Everyone is gathered in the Great Hall, looking expectantly up at the stage. Suddenly, a man in flowing robes and a short, green woman appear...]
ALBUS: Greetings! I am Albus Wan Kenobi, Hedwig Master. This is the Hedwig Training Mistress, Minervoda. You are all here because you wish to learn the ways of the Hedwig, and defeat the Dark Arts. That is commen...[he is interrupted by a frantic banging at the door]
MINERVODA: Hmmm...answer it, I will.
[She opens the door and G-3PO and D2-T2 stagger in]
G-3PO: Oh, Albus Wan Kenobi! I am so glad we have found you! Something terrible has happened?
MINERVODA: Hmmm...sounds serious, it does.
G-3PO: Princess Hermione has been taken hostage by the evil Draco Vader!
[general gasps of shock and horror and stuff]
D2-T2: I have a message from the Princess for you
ALBUS: What is it?
D2-T2: It says, "Help me, Albus Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
HARRY: [whispers to Ron] Who's she?
RON: That's Princess Hermione, the leader of The Rebellion. Her parents were killed by The Emperor when she was very little...
ALBUS: Enough chit-chat! We must start the training straight away, so we can rescue Princess Hermione on Saturday!
CHEWHAGGA: Why Saturday?
ALBUS: Because I'm having a haircut on Friday. Now - to work!!
********************************************************************
SCENE THREE - IN THE MILLENNIUM PIGWIDGEON
[It is Saturday, and the gang have set off on their mission to rescue Princess Hermione from the evil clutches of Draco Vader. They have completed their training, and now they each have a weapon - a Wand Sabre - which glows a funny colour and makes a highly amusing noise]
HARRY: Where will we find Princess Hermione?
ALBUS: Draco Vader has built an impressive, indestructable, invincible, uninvadable, invisible, invitation-only flying broomstick shed, called The Death Shed. It's my guess that she'll be imprisoned there.
CHEWHAGGA: I expect we'll have to deal with a load of cunning traps and evil beasts before we can get to her - and it'll probably all end with a huge Wand Sabre fight.
RON: Wahey!!
[The Millennium Pigwidgeon lands]
ALBUS: Here's the plan, guys...G-3PO and D2-T2, you stay here and guard The Millennium Pigwidgeon. Minervoda, you are to go and fetch the Weird-Looking Band from the Forbidden Forest - they may be able to help us. Chewhagga, Ron and Harry, you must rescue the Princess, defeat Draco Vader and blow up the Death Shed. OK? Meet you all back here in ten minutes!
MINERVODA: Hmmm...plan good, it is.
RON: What about you, Albus Wan Kenobi?
ALBUS: Oh, I'll tag along with you three. Maybe blast open some doors, kill some Death Eaters, have a huge Wand Sabre battle with Draco Vader and...erm...die, I expect. Any more questions?
[general mutterings and shaking of heads]
ALBUS: I love it when a plan comes together!
********************************************************************
SCENE FOUR - INSIDE THE DEATH SHED
DRACO VADER: So, Princess Hermione, will you tell me where the Rebels' base is?
PRINCESS HERMIONE: Never!! You are an evil blaggard, you smell like poo and your breathing sound effects are pants!!
DRACO: What?! You would insult the great Draco Vader? Colonel Filcho! Kill her!!
COLONEL FILCHO: At once, my Lord! Which me-
[door suddenly bursts open and Harry, Ron, Chewhagga and Albus enter]
HARRY: Hold it right there, baddies!!
DRACO: Who the heck are you?
HARRY: I am Harry Skywalker, and I have come to rescue Princess Hermione and defeat your evil plan!!
DRACO: Dammit, this always happens!! Albus Wan Kenobi, how nice to see you again!! Draw your Wand Sabre, and we will do battle!!
ALBUS: As you wish, Vader!!
[Albus and Vader both get out their Wand Sabres and exit stage left to have a battle]
CHEWHAGGA: Right, Filcho, yer piece of scum! I've waited a long time to get revenge on yer!!
[Chewhagga attacks Colonel Filcho, and Ron runs over to the Princess]
RON: Princess Hermione! Are you alright?
PRINCESS: Yes, no thanks to you! You big-headed, egotistical, chavinistic...
[she is interrupted by the entrance of The Emperor]
THE EMPEROR: Aha! The Rebels are here - now you will all join the Dark Side!!
HARRY: (draws his Wand Sabre and waves it threateningly at The Emperor) We will never join you - you killed my father!!
EMPEROR: I am your father!!
HARRY: Noooooo!! That's not true!! That's impossible!!
[the door opens and Dudda the Hutt enters]
DUDDA: ereh no gniog si tahw! olos nor, yenom em ewo llits uoy, aha!!
(A/N: if you read this backwards it should make sense!!)
RON: Dudda the Hutt! Oh no, he still wants payment for the Millennium Pigwidgeon! Quick, Princess Hermione, let's go!!
[they run towards the door - but before they get there, it crashes open and Draco Vader enters looking triumphant]
DRACO: Ha ha ha!! I have killed Albus Wan Kenobi!!
ALBUS: (staggers into the room) It's only a flesh wound!! Come back and fight, you coward!!
[the door crashes open - yet again - and this time Minervoda enters with the Weird-Looking Band]
MINERVODA: Hmmm, cavalry arrived, it has! All this violence no good is! All be friends, let us!!
HARRY: (turns to The Emperor) Dad? Dad, is it really you?!
EMPEROR: Yes, son, it's me! (they hug) And Princess Hermione is really your twin sister - you were separated at birth!
HARRY: What?! So I'm not an orphan after all?
EMPEROR: Orphan? Orphan, orphan, orphan!
HARRY: I think you've been watching "The Pirates of Penzance" too much, Daddy!
CHEWHAGGA: (shakes Filcho's hand) No hard feelings, eh, mate?
FILCHO: No hard feelings!
ALBUS: Shall we end this fighting, Vader? It can all get rather painful!
DRACO: Yes, Albus Wan, let us join forces to rule this galaxy together! And I'll stop these bizarre sound effects as well!!
[Aunt and Uncle Earthwalker enter]
UNCLE: It sounded like there was a party going on in here!
AUNT: Harry, will you forgive us for maltreating and abusing you for eleven years of your life?
HARRY: Oh, alright then!
RON: (turning to the Princess) Hermi, I have fallen deeply in love with you. I know I'm only a pilot, and not legally old enough to marry - but will you marry me anyway?
PRINCESS: Of course I will, you daft soppy thing!! (they kiss passionately)
[G-3PO and D2-T2 enter]
G-3PO: Can we join in the party as well?
DUDDA: esruoc fo! emoclew si enoyreve!
WEIRD-LOOKING BAND: Now everyone's friends - let's rock and roll!!
[they start to play their #1 hit, "W-E-I-R-D" (to the tune of "D-I-S-C-O") and everyone begins to dance]
ALBUS: I just adore a happy ending!!
[and indeed, this is the end...or is it? Can a friendship between the Rebels and the Dark Side last? Maybe, just maybe, there will be a sequel - coming soon to a galaxy near you...]
Disclaimer: the "actors" belong to J.K. Rowling, but the characters they play belong to ME!! the plot also belongs to ME, but it is based very very loosely on an idea by George Lucas!! the #1 hit "W-E-I-R-D" belongs to the Weird-Looking Band, who are managed by ME, and the tune "D-I-S-C-O" belongs to Shakatak (i think!!)