Love Letters

by Jasmin Kaiba

Part I

It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even love at second sight.

But the moment when were up, standing on a seven-story scaffolding in a ball-gown and tux, ready to take step that could very well mean our demise, I felt it. The very first stirrings of something greater that had yet to come.

As I said, "You jump, I jump Jack," and you took my hand in yours and squeezed, I knew. I knew you were the one.

And then we jumped.

The excitement of the moment and the adrenalin rushing through my system wiped my head clean of any thought. The only thing that registered was the wind around me and my hand in yours. I squeezed tighter and fleetingly hoped the ground would just disappear.

It didn't. The second my feet touched the dirt I was aware that thanks to you I had just lived through the most exhilarating experience of my life. So I took your hand and grasped it to my chest, my wildly beating heart, trying to understand what I was feeling for you. Whatever it was, it stayed with me for a long time to come.

After that whenever I saw you or we crossed paths I couldn't shake off the awareness that you'd never be just an 'acquaintance' to me and that 'friends' couldn't encompass even a fraction everything that coursed through my system when I thought of you.

Dean broke up with me. On the night of the 'Yale Male' party where you've shown me yet another side of you; my boyfriend, the only thing that kept me sane when my emotions towards you threatened to overwhelm me, simply left.

I didn't cry because I was humiliated in front of you and the other guys, or even because I had lost the man I loved; I cried because the only reason to stay away from you had ceased to exist.

And I told you it wouldn't be okay because I knew that everything developing between us from then on would one day lead to pain and a severely broken heart. But I'd been thinking of my own heart. Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it might be me breaking you apart.

I'm so sorry I've been so selfish. I don't expect you to forgive me. I can't even forgive myself.

The love I've started to develop for you that day of the LDB event still lives within me and burns brighter each day.

I love you.

And for the first time since I've met you I know you don't love me. Not anymore. Not after everything I've put you through. It would be foolish to expect anything else.

But I beg you, even if only out of politeness, when not for old-times' sake, do not throw this letter away in disgust. Keep it, please, as proof that there was once a woman who'd loved a man with her entire being and pushed him away because 'the world' was more important than his love.

Don't write me back, please. I'm not strong enough to endure the truth. Don't even ask me why I'm writing, because I honestly have no idea why myself.

But on the behalf of the mistake that ruined my life, do keep this, if nothing than to remember me by and maybe to show your children one day to teach them to cherish love above all else.

I'm sorry I was and still am such a coward.

Goodbye;

I don't deserve to be you Ace.

I've sat for hours, days, weeks over your letter and thought about everything that had happened since I first laid my eyes on you.

To be honest, for the past years I've avoided thinking about you and our shared past out of the simple reason that it hurt too much.

But once in a while, a though, a memory would resurface and I'd lose myself in what was all over again.

It didn't have to be anything grand, maybe a joke we told each other, the way your eyes lit up when you got a new book or a movie you've always loved would come on TV caught me off guard countless times. Then I would forget the last few years and live in the past.

When something funny or weird happens at work, sometimes I find myself thinking, "I can't wait to tell Ace," and that's usually when I remember that I can't tell you anything anymore and my day is ruined. Not because thinking about you hurts (it does – so damn much, but that's not the point), but because I know that I'll never make you laugh again and you aren't there to share my life with me.

I don't hate you. How could I? You were the first and only woman I've ever truly loved. And I do know how pathetic that sounds. But it is the truth.

Out of all the women in my life; flings, affairs, casual relationships, one-night stands; you were the only one that opened my eyes and showed me that there was love in the world and that someone can love even me, with all my faults and flaws. Sometimes I ask myself why it couldn't have been enough. Or maybe it had been enough but we were simply too blinded by other things to recognize it.

I know that I've done my share of wrongs in the course of our relationship, Ror. I know that I haven't been easy to deal with most of the time and that when you add my disastrous family into the picture, it's quite clear that no girl should have to go through it. Maybe I've expected too much of you. Maybe I've lived in my fantasy for far too long.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Though, to be honest, even after everything, I still have a hard time believing that.

Mostly because every fiber of my being screams that you've been the one right thing in my fucked up life and it could never, ever be wrong.

And then your letter came and I still don't know what to think.

You've changed my life so thoroughly that I have a hard time imagining what it would have been like without you there at all.

You're still a part of me, and somewhere in my heart I'll always hold a memory of you. Of my Ace, the one woman this man had ever and will ever love.

I won't have children, because I'll never marry. Just the thought of another woman by my side makes my heart screech and writhe in pain.

That's alright, too.

I want to live for my memories.

One day I'll write a book about a man who found love and a woman who stayed in his heart, if not by his side, for all times. I'm just afraid it won't the happy ending you're so fond of. But not all stories end with happily ever after, that's the tragedy of reality.

Don't worry, you've always been my Ace and nobody could ever measure up to you.

Maybe we'll get over this one day, though I won't be holding my breath. I just want you to stay who you are;

Master and Commander

(This time it will stick!)

You never change, do you, Logan?

It's like it has always been, I can't even say goodbye without you having to say something about it.

I honestly haven't expected you to write back, but now when I think about it, I should have known better.

So what is it between us that doesn't allow us to stay away from each other for any length of time?

Remember back at the beginning when I told you that I just wanted to be with you, no strings attached? I really meant that, you know. But now I realize that there were already strings, too many of them. I was attached to you so much that I was ready to offer anything just to have a chance with you. You were the first I ever felt such a need for. I loved Dean and Jess, I really did. But I never needed them, not like you. It scared me and I wanted distance while I craved nearness. Sounds crazy, right?

And every time one of did something to hurt the other I run. Only you wouldn't let me get far. I'm grateful for that.

So what changed, Logan? Why did you let me go three years ago? Why didn't you hold me back? Why did have to be all or nothing?

…

I'm sorry. I don't have the right to ask such questions, but I simply have to know. I screwed us up, I'm aware of that, but we could have made it work on a distance too. Nothing would have changed. I would love you no matter what.

You know, sometimes I find myself thinking that you didn't love me enough to fight.

I know that's not true, and I hate myself for thinking that way, but still…

Maybe I should have been the one to fight that time, huh?

But I took the easy way out. I took the Lorelai way. I always do. It's in my genes or something. Like mother, like daughter, right?

She screwed up each one of her relationships. She let my Dad ho when they were kids and since then she was unable to hold onto a guy. She always got scared in the end.

While I was in Chilton, she dated one of my teachers, Max Medina. He was a really great guy and I was happy for them. He wanted to marry her. Do you know what Mom did?

She called my Dad during her bachelorette party, got cold feet and run away with me to Harvard on her wedding day!

And that trend continued. Jason, Luke and everybody in between. Same old story. Same old Lorelai. And I copied her mistakes.

I couldn't tell Dean I loved him the first time. I was head over heels for Jess and disregarded Dean completely. I let Jess walk away and didn't even try to fight, I just took it in, continued my life, just like that. I destroyed Dean's marriage and didn't bother with at the very least trying to make everything alright, instead I run away to Europe with Grandma.

And I continued the trend with you.

I convinced you to steal a yacht without telling you why and we ended up in jail. I dropped out of Yale and moved in with my grandparents. You supported me through all of that shit and tried everything to make me go back to school, but I didn't listen. It took Jess writing a damned book and talking sense into me to see my wrong doings. But I took it out on you and ran away.

I found out you slept with Honor's bride's maids while we were separated and freaked out, giving you the cold shoulder when I should have cooled down from it, and believed you when you told me you thought we were broken up. Just because I didn't consider that fight to have meant the end of our relationship, it didn't mean that you thought the same. You almost had to die to open my blind eyes and make me see that without you I'm incomplete.

But I still let you go in the end. I still lost you.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

She destroyed her relationship with Luke, I blew us up sky high and she told me, "It's alright, babe. Someday we'll find our right ones."

Just too bad that we'd already screwed up our chances with our right ones.

Maybe we deserved it.

Sorry, Logan. I didn't mean to write all of this, but I guess it had to be said sometime. I miss talking to you the most, I think. You understood me better than I sometimes understood myself. So please, stay the way you are, too. I couldn't imagine you being any different.

Love you,

Ace

(It won't stick, ever!)

AN: Enjoy, and tell me what you think. Many thanks to my fabulous beta xshynenstarx, for taking the time to edit this on a rather short notice. You're the best! :)