Thanks
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Sometimes, when you smile, I can swear that the sun is hiding in shame. Your light is stronger than anything. And I will smile back, a little smile, not really because I want to, but because there is nothing else to be done when you are happy.
For the longest time, I thought that you would always be mine… I believed that maybe, if I loved you enough, God would let me keep you. And for ten years of my life, he did. I know that nothing has ever been, or ever will be, as perfect as the first time I saw you. I felt that there could never be anything but joy for me because you had come into my life. Even after his arrival, for a little while, anyways, I clung to the hope that we belonged together. But, as all the great philosophers say, nothing can last forever. A morning came when everything was dark. The tears were cold, but they burned deep. Death, I was sure, could never hold as much pain as my life did. He had won you, and not because he was handsome or rich, or even because of that cute little blush he had whenever you came into the room- no, just because he was himself. Something that I could never be. And, although I felt as though I was being torn apart inside, my happiness holds no value for me if you are sad. You have always meant more to me than I mean to myself. So I let you go.
They say that, if you love something enough to let it go, it will always come back to you. At first I thought that this Hallmark original was just another stupid cliché, something sweet and syrupy and just unbelievable enough for people to take in. I wanted so much to hold you, to be the person that you came home to and made chocolate with and kissed goodnight… but I had given you to him, and you hadn't come back. I knew that your happiness was with him. I smiled -always smiling- so that you would never know how much I was hurting. How you were killing me inside. Someone once told me to be true to my feelings; and I did. I gave you the joy that I could never have.
For a long time I could not look at you without wanting to die. Sometimes I would make myself watch the two of you together, force my eyes to witness what I had given you- and taken from myself. Every second was a new cut; the pain became a silent companion, an ever-present reminder that, despite my own thoughts and even wishes, I was still alive. It must have seemed to everyone that I was fine- I never let anything but contentment and happiness show through me- and so nobody was there to hold me. To catch me as a fell, and, oh, it did feel like I was falling; into a dark, endless hole of stolen dreams, broken hearts and false smiles. But perhaps I wanted it that way. For what do you do when the only light in your life is gone? You embrace the shadows.
I would have been content to die, I believe. But you would not let me. Just as I would have gone, left it all behind, you came. Not as my lover; as my friend. Your friendship, the only thing you could give me, became a new reason to live. The sunshine finally broke through. And, slowly… the darkness retreated.
The wounds are there still; my heart will never release you. But I have learned to laugh through the tears. I have done what I once thought I could never do. I have lived through the pain. And, you know what? Now I believe what they say, because you did come back to me. Not in the way that I still dream that you had; but just enough to hold on to. A bittersweet feeling, in the lonely darkness of night, that I can bring out to hold back the shadows. Thanks, Sakura. Thanks for always being there for me.
~End