You Could Be Happy
Disclaimer – Ok, last time I forgot to do one of these so thought I'd better this time. As much as I'd like Spike to be mine, he's not & neither are any of the other characters from Buffy/Angel.
This is my 2nd song fic & it's based on another Snow Patrol song. Again, the bold, italic writing is the song lyrics & everything else is what I write. I only got 1 review for my first story so please be kinder & read & review this one. Oh & while you're at it, check out my first story The Last Thing on Spike's Mind. Enjoy!
Summary – After Spike comes back & ends up in LA with Angel & the crew, his mind turns to Buffy one night & he tries to decide whether or not to go back to her.
Everything was quiet at last as Spike finally got a moment to himself. Angel had let Spike have his office for the night while they found somewhere for him to stay & although there was no bed, there was a nice comfy black leather sofa which clashed nicely with Spike's duster. He made himself comfortable, closed his eyes & let his mind wander to the person he'd wished he'd come back to, Buffy.
You could be happy & I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
The first thing Spike had asked when he'd reappeared was Where Buffy was & how she was. Angel had reassured him that he had spoken to her after the battle with the first & that she was fine, that they'd all made it out of the school alive & well, apart from Anya & a few of the trainee slayers.
The hardest thing Spike had ever had to do was watch Buffy crying as she turned & ran out of the building at his request, although he also found it comforting to think that she was crying over him & that maybe she did mean it when she'd told him that she loved him.
And all of the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops 'til it's madness in my head
As much as he didn't want to, Spike suddenly found himself thinking about all the times he'd hurt Buffy with his words, especially the last time he saw her when he had to tell her that he didn't believe her when she said she loved him. Of course he believed her. Well, he wanted to believe her, he just had to make sure she'd leave the building & if he'd told her he loved her back, she would have wanted to stay with him longer than she already had & he couldn't let her stay there & die with him, not again, not when she had so much more to live for this time.
Is it too late to remind you how we were?
Not our last days of silent screaming blur
Actually, the last year he had spent with Buffy had been their best year together. Although the first few days after he'd come back to Sunnydale were a bit of a blur & did seem to roll into one, but that was because he was crazy after getting his soul back & everything bad he'd ever done was coming back to haunt him. Being in that dark school basement didn't help, as unbeknownst to Spike he was right near where the Hell Mouth decided to open again so the voices in his head were louder & more real, due to the fact that the spirits of all people he'd ever come into contact with & hurt were stuck in that basement with him.
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
There were bad times in his relationship with Buffy, most of them consisted of her using & abusing him before walking away from him, but if it meant just being near her & being able to spend more time with her, Spike would have tried harder to stop her leaving him after every fighting/love-making session they'd had. That very last time, after she'd told him she really did love him, he had to summon all of the strength & will-power he had not to pull her to him & take her with him, wherever that may have been. But Spike knew deep down that he wasn't going to heaven like she had & unlike him, she didn't deserve to go anywhere bad.
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
The last few days before the battle with the first had been the best days he had ever spent with Buffy. They had finally opened up to each other about how they felt about one another & Buffy had started to trust Spike again, even letting him lie on the same bed as her & hold her while she slept. It was those nights that Spike was at his happiest, even though they weren't doing the things in bed with each other that they'd done the year before, Spike didn't care. All he'd ever wanted was to just be able to hold her & be close to her & she'd let him.
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Spike was lying down on the sofa with his leather jacket over him as a blanket. As he took an un-needed breath, he could have sworn he smelled the familiar scent of her, vanilla mixed with the freshness of cotton & suddenly he could see her as well as smell her. Spike tried to reach out to her but couldn't, his hand just went right through her. At first, he thought that was because he was now a ghost but then he realised it was because she wasn't real either so he decided to open his eyes as it got too much for him. He didn't want to be able to see her if he couldn't be near her.
Just do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do
In the days after Buffy had been brought back to life, she often turned up at Spike's crypt, whether it be for a quick shag, to fight or simply just to talk. Although Spike had loved it when she wanted to be with him physically, he also really enjoyed the days when they would just sit for hours & confide things to one another. Actually, it was more like Spike would sit & listen while Buffy did all the talking but he didn't mind, he loved listening to her voice. He remembered one particular conversation they'd had when Spike had asked, although it had pained him to bring the subject up, what went wrong between her & Angel, just because he wanted to find out so that he wouldn't make the same mistake. It had turned out that it was something the mayor had said to them about their relationship, something about Angel being selfish by holding Buffy to their relationship when he couldn't give her all the things a girl her age would eventually want, when she could be with a real man who could be with her the way she deserved to have someone with her. Spike's heart sank when he realised that he would be just as selfish as Angel if he went back to Sunnydale to find her.
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
On the other hand, Spike thought, there was a big difference between him & Angel. Whereas Angel would lose his soul if he ever had a moment of happiness with Buffy, which usually meant them doing something Spike didn't particularly want to think about, Spike's soul was there for keeps & nothing could make him lose it. Also, if Buffy ever wanted kids & marriage, well Angel & Darla had managed to reproduce so why shouldn't he & Buffy be able to & there was always the vampire style of marriage, the claim. But Spike would never assume that Buffy would want that, especially when she found out what it involved. He had hurt her too much already.
No, Spike had made up his mind. It was better for everyone if he just stayed away & let her live her life. With that, Spike found himself drifting off to sleep, knowing that he'd made the right decision.