I.Prologue. The Runaway Bride. (Les Miserables/Once Upon a Mattress/A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum/Phantom of the Opera)
[Curtain up. THE DOCTOR in the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR. . . . NOW AND THEN, WE BAWL A BIT IN THIS SHOW—
IT'S OVER NOW, THE SAGA THAT WAS ROSE!
[Suddenly, DONNA the Bride appears.
DONNA. Oo are you?
THE DOCTOR. What?
DONNA. Was going on?
THE DOCTOR. What?
DONNA. Wot the 'ell is this place?!?!1
[A chord from "Westminster Bridge" by Murray Gold (buy the album!).
Song. WHERE AM I? (WHO AM I?) (Boubil/Schoenberg/Kretzmer)
THE DOCTOR. THAT'S PHYSIC'LY IMPOSS'BLE
(AND I'M PROGRAMMED TO SAY "WHAT"
AS MY EYES BULGE OUT QUIZICALLY—
DONNA. SPEAK SENSE, YOU BIG DUMB BUTT!
TELL ME WHERE I AM, OR—
THE DOCTOR. THE TARDIS, STUPID COW—
DONNA. INNIT EVEN A PROPER WORD,
'CAUSE MY HUMOR'S SO HIGHBROW!
THE DOCTOR. STOP SHRIEKING OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT—
DONNA. OOH, I'M SOOO SCARED!
THE DOCTOR. THAT I DON'T DOUBT!
[He throws the TARDIS doors open. Space, in its vastness, gives DONNA a slight pause.
DONNA. 'Ow am I still breathing?
THE DOCTOR. The TARDIS is protecting us.
DONNA. What kind of a lame excuse is that, DUMBO?!?!?! You didn't even try with that one!!!
[She slaps him.
THE DOCTOR. Ow! It's not my fault!
[He looks meaningfully upward and then punches her.
DONNA. Mary Whitehouse would have been appalled!
[He closes the doors. Reeling from the punch, she staggers back and finds ROSE's jacket on a TARDIS ledge.
DONNA. WHERE AM I?
I'M STUCK IN THIS MADHOUSE WITH A PERVERT TOFF
WHO OBVIOUSLY STEALS GIRLS' CLOTHES TO JERK OFF!
THE DOCTOR. Hey!
DONNA. TAKE ME HOME NOW, CAN'T YOU SEE
I AM THE LOUDEST EVER BRIDE-TO-BE!
WHERE AM I?
THE DOCTOR. Let's throw you out, get you married, and move on!
DONNA. Who was your friend, you pervert and potential rapist?
THE DOCTOR. I . . . lost her.
DONNA. Maybe you just haven't looked hard enough! (guffaws)
THE DOCTOR. grrr
[They land. He pushes her out the door.
THE DOCTOR. Chiswick. Get out. Wait, the plot depends on me following you.
[She runs.
THE DOCTOR. Waaaaait! How could you be cold in the TARDIS but not here?
DONNA. Sod off. Ammana get me a cab, an' some money.
[She runs off. He follows. It's Christmas. Carollers and shoppers line the streets of London. Or is it really . . .
CAROLLERS. LIKE CARDIFF IN JULY . . .
Song. SHY (Rodgers/Barer)
THE DOCTOR. ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS GUY
YOU'RE MARRYING IS FOR REAL?
NOT SOME SURREAL
NUT JOB DEAL,
INTENT ON BETRAYAL?
[She reaches for her pockets; she has none.
THE DOCTOR. INSTEAD OF MAKING POCKET QUIPS
YOU COULD MOSEY OFF FOR SOME CHIPS!
PLEASE DON'T START—
DONNA. SHY!!!!
[Traffic grinds to a halt.
DONNA. I CONFESS IT,
I'M SHY!
THEY THINK THAT I'M
IN DRAG, A DRUNK SLOTH . . .
THE DOCTOR. THEN THEY'RE NOT FAR OFF . . .
DONNA. . . .'CAUSE I'M SHY!
Money? Innit? Go get some! Or I'll start shouting like Eddie2!
THE DOCTOR. I don't wanna.
DONNA. I'll punch you, in both hearts!
[He scurries off.
DONNA. AND I CAN TELL BY YOUR SCOWLS
THAT THIS SHOP IS CALLED HOWELLS,
CARDIFF-BASED— [she tries to flag down a taxi BYE, YOU CHEAP MARTIAN SUCKAH—
PARODY WRITER. I'M NOT GOING TO RHYME THAT!
THE DOCTOR. (plugs his ears) Oww. (shouts after DONNADo you have an off switch?!
[As THE DOCTOR struggles at an ATM, the ROBOT SANTAS appear as a Christmas-y waltz plays. DONNA begins dancing in the streets; lots of aerial crane shots. The ROBOT SANTAS provide an aaaaaah chorus in the background.
DONNA. I HATE CHRISTMAS TOO
GREAT CHARACTER TRAIT, NO?
AND I THINK PRINGLES ARE COOL!
[She jumps into the cab. GET ON DRIVIN', FOOL—
[sees who's driving
A ROBOT SANTA—D'OH!
I SHALL CRY, SCREAM, AND DROOL!
[Throws a tantrum. The Indiana Jones theme plays as THE DOCTOR chases the cab in the TARDIS.
FANS. Oooh! Aaaaah!
THE DOCTOR. We had to put this in to keep people from reaching for the remote!
DONNA. (shouts) Wha?
THE DOCTOR. Just shut up and jump!
[DONNA leaps into the TARDIS. Kids in the SUV following the cab to one another; subtitles as they are only three years old.
KID 1. Curses, I thought she was going to get run over!
KID 2. Me too!
[DONNA and THE DOCTOR on the roof somewhere. Why? We don't know. He gives her his jacket.
DONNA. God, you're skinny! This wouldn't fit a rat!
THE DOCTOR. So? You're loud and obnoxious and ginger! Nyeh!
DONNA. Ffanks.
THE DOCTOR. GOD KNOWS I . . .
TRY!
DONNA. THOUGH I'M FRIGHTENED AND SHY
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LOWDOWN
YOU CAN JUDGE ME ON MY
INTELLIGENCE, SHREWDNESS, VOCABULARY
'CAUSE I FELL FOR THIS
GUY . . .
[She whips out a framed picture of LANCE and covers it with kisses.
THE DOCTOR. I thought you said you didn't have pockets.
DONNA. Do I look like I'm bovvered?
THE DOCTOR. But you just said—
DONNA. Am I bovvered?
THOUGH I MAY NOT LOOK LIKE I'M DRIPPING WITH GLAMOUR
AS OFTEN AS NOT I'LL STUMBLE AND STAMMER
AN' I'M SUDDENLY CONFRONTED WITH ROMANCE
AT H C CLEMENTS 'E GETS ME COFFEE
LOCK-SHOP KING, AN' THERE'S ME—
THE DOCTOR. WITH A PAIR OF PANTS.
DONNA. AN' IN SIX MONTHS 'E'S ASKING TO WED
RIGHT AWAY
THE DOCTOR. (THIS WILL END BADLY, I DREAD)
DONNA. AND WELL, WOT CAN I SAY?
THE DOCTOR. AND SO THAT IS WHY,
SINCE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SHY,
I'M INSANE TO KNOW
WHO, MISS
WOULD MISS,
MISS YOU, MISS . . .
DONNA. MISS WOO?
WHAT, SIR, AND WHY, SIR? (gestures to the TARDIS)
THE DOCTOR. I'M NOT GETTING WISER . . .
[She gets up and marches toward the TARDIS)
DONNA. SO LET'S GET THIS DONE, MAN
GET ON WITH THE FUN, MAN
I AM ONE BRAIN . . .
THE DOCTOR. THE LADY IS ONE BRAIN . . .
BOTH. SHY!
[He hands her a ring.
THE DOCTOR. With this ring, I thee biodamp.
[She slaps him.
DONNA. This is gonna be so shamin'.
[He looks her up and down.
THE DOCTOR. You're telling me.
[They burst into the reception.
DONNA. They had the RECEPTION without me!!!!!!
[THE DOCTOR punches her. DONNA starts crying and retreats into her parents' and LANCE's arms.
Song. COMEDY TONIGHT (Sondheim)
THE DOCTOR. SOMETHING FAMILIAR,
SOMETHING PECULIAR,
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—
A COMEDY TONIGHT!
(he picks up someone's mobile) SOMETHING POST-MODERN,
(he reads that Torchwood owns H C Clements) SOMETHING RETARDED,
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—
COMEDY TONIGHT!
NOTHING WITH ROSE,
NOTHING WITH JACK,
WE'VE MENTIONED MY HEARTBREAK
SO MUCH I'VE LOST TRACK!
I PUT ON MY GLASSES (he does so)
GIRLS START MAKING PASSES . . .
[Neil Hannon yodels in the background.
THE DOCTOR. MURRAY GOLD IS JAZZY AND CONTRITE:
SHAKESPEARE TOMORROW, COMEDY TONIGHT!
[He studies the video of DONNA disappearing from the church.
THE DOCTOR. SOMETHING WITH HUON,
(THIS PLOT IS PART GLUED-ON)
[He spots the SANTAS approaching.
THE DOCTOR. SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE—
ROBOT SANTAS TONIGHT!
GET AWAY FROM THE TREES—
RTD IS PROFANE—
THESE THINGS CAN KILL
AND I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN . . .
[Chaos all around as the Christmas trees explode.
THE DOCTOR. IF THE CAKE DIDN'T GET SMASHED.
(as the cake gets squashed) I'D BETTER SAVE HER ARSE—
[He grabs DONNA and then electrifies the sound system.
THE DOCTOR. NOW THE SS WINS THE FIGHT.
TRAGEDY TOMORROW,
COMEDY TONIGHT!
Donna, Lance, let's break into H C Clements, ride Segways, make sliiiightly suggestive metaphors—
DONNA. Wot, like I'm a pencil in a cup?
THE DOCTOR. –see some Thames flood barriers, chemical warfare . . .
DONNA. COMEDY?
THE DOCTOR. COMEDY!
ALL. COMEDY TONIGHT!!!
[At H C Clements in the basement . . .
DONNA. Doctor, you're a . . . uh, doctor. You should have stayed and helped my relatives who were bleeding.
THE DOCTOR. You've got to look at the bigger picture.
DONNA. You mean it's boring for a television audience to watch the Doctor help people when he could be all flash and only has (checks her watch) seventeen more minutes to do it?
THE DOCTOR. Dude, why is there this hole in the ground?
[They've stumbled onto a big hole. Insane cackle from above them.
Song. ALL I ASK OF YOU (Lloyd Webber/Hart)
THE DOCTOR. NO MORE TALK OF DINOSAURS,
LET'S STOP YOUR MOTOR-MOUTH,
THERE'S SOMEONE UP THERE WHO'S ROARING
AND IF NOTHING, SHE'S NOT BORING!
[The EMPRESS OF THE RACNOSS appears. Chews scenery.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, look, it's Sarah Parrish hamming things up.
EMPRESS. Hi, David. I knew you when you were brain-damaged. And naked.
[LANCE creeps in with an axe.
DONNA. YO, LADY, I AM TALKING—
YOU BIG PURPLE SLAV'RING BUG!
YOU RUINED MY WEDDING DAY
AND NOW LANCE IS GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!
[LANCE drops the axe and laughs.
LANCE. Suckah!
THE DOCTOR. I just don't get it. Why would he go to such elaborate lengths to create a scene? Why didn't he declare his allegiances right away?
PARODY WRITER. It's Doctor Who, baby.
DONNA. SAY YOU LOVE ME EVERY WAKING MOMENT
TELL ME ALL OF THIS IS A BAD DREAM!
LANCE. SAY YOU'LL SHUT UP THAT BIG PIE HOLE!
YAP, YAP, YAP, BRITNEY, POSH, IS ALL YOU EVER DO!
Humiliate you,
THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!
[Orchestral interlude as THE DOCTOR whisks DONNA into the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR. Cheer up. It's not as if you fell in love with the Master and got killed by him.
DONNA. Wot?
THE DOCTOR. (coughs) Gallifrey. Here, we're 4.6 billion years into the past.
DONNA. The creation of the Earff.
THE DOCTOR. Oh, look. There's a chunk of Swansea floating by. So, yeah, there are baby Racnosses in the center of the Earth.
DONNA. That's nearly dinosaurs.
[They return. DONNA gets captured and put in a web next to LANCE.
DONNA. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU—
LANCE. OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?
EMPRESS. I'LL FEED YOU BOTH TO MY BABIES,
NO IFS, ANDS, BUTS, OR MAYBES!
[LANCE falls into the hole.
THE DOCTOR. SAY YOU'LL STOP THIS
OR I WILL THROW CAT TOYS
INTO THE AIR AND FINISH YOU!
[He does so.
EMPRESS. MY CHILDREN, MY CHILDREN!
[Sobbing, she transports back to her star-web spaceship.
OH NO, THIS ISN'T—
[She gets blown up; a child screams; a tank drives by Cardiff Castle.
Amid lots of flame and water . . .
DONNA. STOP, YOU CRAZY MAN!!!
THE DOCTOR. OH LOOK, IT'S YOU.
ADMIT: I LOOK HOT WITH THIS 'DO!
[He slicks his hair back.
Back at DONNA's house . . .
DONNA. Can you, like, make it snow?
THE DOCTOR. Sure. [He does. It may interest you to know I may or may not be Father Christmas.
DONNA. Okay, well, I'm gonna got walk in some dust or somefink.
THE DOCTOR. ANYWHERE I GO, YOU CAN COME TOO!
COMPANION, THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!
[She slaps him.
THE DOCTOR. Quite right, too.
DONNA. You can come in and have Christmas dinner, though.
THE DOCTOR. No thanks, I might cry like a little girl.
DONNA. Okay, then I'll see you next season?
THE DOCTOR. Shhh! That's supposed to be a secret!
[End of Prologue.
1 Excessive use of punctuation used to connote the extremely LOUD mannerisms of Donna.
2 See Doctor Who the Musical season 2 "The Idiot's Lantern."