disclaimer: i do not own the characters... i only own the plot
Thinking of him
By still living
Dear Diary,
Why must he be such an ass?! I was just trying to help. Harry and Ron said that Malfoy can't be helped, that people like him have hearts of stone. Well, Ron said Malfoy didn't have a heart. I would have agreed with them a year ago. The way he bullies the younger students and the way he degrades people –how awful. The thing is I just couldn't help but wonder how someone could be so mean and take pleasure in causing others pain. Harry said it's because he's a Slytherin. Ron said it's because he didn't have a heart. I think it's more than that. It would be impossible if this behavior was caused by being a Slytherin because he was already mean even before he got sorted into a house. Ron's reason can't be the cause either because I'm pretty sure Malfoy has a heart.
I swear that somewhere in that cold heart of his you'd find some warmth. It's impossible to care just about yourself. You'll always see Malfoy with a smirk on his face or with some evil look. But I see something else. I see someone who's in a lot of pain. He always puts on a tough face –like nothing could ever cause him any pain. He acts like he doesn't care about anyone other than himself –oh, and his father, too. I think that's the reason –his father. His father seems so tough on him. I just don't quite grasp how his father would rather please Voldemort whole year round than act like a caring father towards his son for just one day. Harry said Malfoy respects his father so much that he'd do anything his father would tell him to do. I don't agree. I think he's scared of his father because you could only have respect for someone who shows respect for you.
It's just like loving someone who loves you. Wait, what am I saying! Malfoy doesn't love me. Don't get me wrong. I don't love him. I mean I do. NO –I don't! I mean I DO! I shouldn't! I can't! Damn! I'm thinking too much of him again. I keep trying to justify his actions. I don't know how I could have fallen so hard for him when all he does is torment me and my friends.
It's those eyes of his. At first you'd say they're just gray because they're just like his dead heart but there was this moment where I actually stared into those eyes. I saw a hint of blue that just reminded me of the sky on a clear summer day. Then, I saw a hint of green that reminded me of all those green plants that bloom during spring. It was also that certain instance that I saw him smile. I could hardly see it but I knew it was there. It just had to be there.
The moment went by too quickly. How I wish his friends hadn't pointed me out as the "mudblood". How I wish Ron hadn't called Draco a "bloody ferret". It was after that name calling that his smile vanished and those hints of blue and green faded into gray. It was after that name calling that everything went back to normal. How I wish it hadn't.
How I'd love to relive that moment where his eyes reminded me of the sky on a clear summer day or of the green plants that bloom during spring. How I'd love it if I could see his smile once more. How I'd give anything to stop sitting here, just thinking of him and that day I saw him smile.
Hermione