Slowly Donna reached for Harvey's hand. This being a bold move on her part. Over the many years they'd worked together Donna couldn't recall a time that they'd held hands They tended to keep their physical interactions to a minimum. Something they'd both silently agreed on after "the other time". Therefore, she knew that if she moved to fast she would startle him, and that's the last thing she wanted to do. She just wanted to confront him. If it were anyone other than Harvey she would've just given them a hug. However, this was Harvey, and Harvey hated hugs. In fact she was pretty sure he hated all forms of physical content. With the exception of one, and she wasn't willing to do that one. She didn't know the right thing to say, or do in this situation, which wasn't something she was used too. Holding his hand was her only option. The only way to confront him without being overbearing, and making him shut down completely.
His whole world had been turned upside down. He'd just learned his mentor, and managing partner was leaving the firm. The woman he looked up to more than anyone else. Jessica was so much more than just a coworker to him. She had been like a mother to him. The fact that he hadn't lashed out at anyone yet was impressive, and had taken Donna by surprise. What also took her by surprise was the fact that Harvey had let Donna stay with him. She had offered to stay, but she had expected him to decline. Harvey usually liked to be alone in moments like these. He liked to cope alone. Not this time though. This time he had let her stay. Maybe he really is growing up.
Staying there wasn't something Donna had anticipated doing, but she was happy to do it. If her being there made him feel less alone then she would gladly stay there. If he needed she would stay in the office all night. She'd stay there all night in silence if that's what he wanted. She began once again to move her hand towards his. As she moved her hand towards him she found that the closer she got the more her hand clamped up. When her hand was finally beside his her hand just froze, and a wave of nervousness washed over Donna.
It's not like they touched often. Thanks to some type of unspoken agreement they made after "the other time" they rarely touched. Which stressed the point that they were nothing more than coworker, and friends. On the rare occasions that they did touch it was minor. Something they'd both later pretend never happened. Donna didn't know about Harvey, but whenever they did touch she felt a spark go on inside her. It had been like that for as long as she could remember. In the past though the spark had always been minor. Something she just shake off. This time it was different thought. She hadn't even touched him, and she felt like fireworks were going off inside her. She worried if she did in fact hold his hands she may explode.
Thankfully Harvey hadn't noticed this. Hadn't noticed her hand began moving, and then suddenly stop. His hand just laid still. Not even flinching when Donna's hand came in close proximity. Their hands weren't touching, yet Donna could still feel the heat radiating off of his hand. Suddenly a shiver ran down her spine. Next to him she couldn't help but feel cold. Donna stuck out a pinky, and reached Harvey's hand. Assuming she'd be less likely to explode if she did it this way. Hoping that this would somehow successfully comfort him, and keep the fireworks at bay. To her surprise though the fireworks went off regardless. Not all of them, not enough to make her explode, but enough. Enough to make her simultaneously feel incredible and terrible. Enough to make her freeze in her spot out of fear, and excitement. She stayed there, frozen, for a few seconds. She knew she needed to move, she just wasn't sure what she wanted to do next. She had two options; Retreat, and pray Harvey hadn't felt the slight touch of her pinkey. Her other option was to proceed with her mission, and do what she had set out to do from the beginning. While deciding her next move, her attention shifted to Harvey. When he did something that she hadn't anticipated.
Seemingly out of nowhere Harvey reached out and grabbed her hand. She had intended to only graze his hand, but now they were really holding hands. Which had taken Donna by surprise. Donna silently wondered, Did he see my hand moving toward his, did he feel the light touch of my pinky, or did he just decided to hold hands on his own. Either way it didn't matter because they were holding hands. Which had been her intention all along. She couldn't help but wonder what this meant. Is this a innocent hand hold? Or is it something more. Her mind began to move one hundred miles a minute trying to analyse the situation. This was Donna after all.
While she tried to decipher the meaning behind this hand hold she noticed Harvey didn't seem to be doing the same. Unlike her he seemed calmed. He hadn't flinched when there skin came in contact. He just continued to stare out the window. Looking perfectly content. He continued to stare out the window. Not saying a word. Not making a move. Just holding hands with Donna. Donna attempted to stare out the window quietly. However, she was getting antsy. Unlike him she just couldn't seem to relax. How could she? They were holding hands. She knew it was hopeless to read into it. She knew if she asked him about it he would just brush it off, but she couldn't ignore the fireworks going off inside her.
Couldn't he sense that Donna was going out of her mind beside him. Couldn't he feel her pulse increase. The fact that Donna was reacting like this embarrassed her. Behaving like this was just so uncharacteristic for her. However, Harvey did have a weird effect on her. So it made sense that holding his hand would have a weird effect on her. She couldn't help but notice the way there hands perfectly fit together. She couldn't help but realize how content Harvey looked right next to her. Truthfully she felt a sense of comfort as well. She knew she shouldn't be thinking that way, but she couldn't help herself. The silence was allowing for her thoughts to roam freely, and fantasies. Which was unacceptable she needed to say something.
"You know she didn't leave because of you. Right?" Donna asked. Taking Harvey by surprise. He gave her a displeased look. She knew the last thing he wanted to do was talk about this. Talk about his feelings. However, she had to say something. The silence was killing her. On top of that he needed to hear this. She knew that he would blame himself for Jessica's departure, and she knew it was her job to get him to realize that wasn't true.
"Donna", he signed. Donna knew this was his way of telling her to let it go. Unfortunately for him she wasn't willing to do that. As she had explained to him many times if he wanted someone who didn't speak their mind she wasn't that person. Right now she had to speak her mind. To get him to stop blaming himself for this.
"Harvey I know you. Better than you know yourself is how I know that at this very moment you're blaming yourself for Jessica leaving".
"That's because it's my goddamn fault", he confessed. "She would still be her if it weren't for me being such a goddamn pain in her ass".
His confession caused him to let go of Donna's hand, which he regretted immediately. It was Harvey, so if anyone asked he'd just shrug it off, but deep down even he knew that they were meant to be. And for a second there they had allowed themselves to just "be". Harvey couldn't recall the last time that had happened.
Donna looked down at their now separate hand. The fireworks were gone, which you think would be a relief, but now that they were gone she'd do anything to get them back. She debated reaching for his hand, but before she could do that he was heading towards his desk. His desk being a barrier of some sorts. He sat down at her desk, and he stared at her. He stared at her with longing in his eye's. Just for a second though. If Donna hadn't' been so trained in all things Harvey Spector she wouldn't have even noticed it, but she did. Before she could comment on it his face shifted, to the emotionless frame it was usually in. Avoiding looking her way he opened up his laptop, and then began typing something. This was his way of signalling for her to leave. She knew that, and he knew that she knew that.
Donna wasn't going to give up that easily though. She hadn't ruined the moment they were just having. Just so that he could shut down again. She had to get it through that thick skull of his that this wasn't his fault. "Harvey this was her decision. She needed a change, and that had nothing to do with you. She's following her heart. She's finally putting her own needs above the firms, and if you ask me it's about damn time".
"Donna, she needed a break because of me. She got sick and tired of dealing with my shit". He stated in a matter-of-factly kind of way. Not even bothering to look up from his laptop. He was now in full lawyer mod now. Cold, arrogant, and stubborn as ever. Like in the courtroom Harvey wasn't willing to admit he was wrong. He thought, This is Jessica Person for christ sakes. Pearson Specter Litt is her everything.
"It was her time", Donna inferred.
"What's that supposed to mean"?
"That it had nothing to do with you", she blurted. "She did this for herself".
"Like when you left"? Harvey accused.
"Harvey that was completely different".
"You still left. Now Jessica's leaving. It's only a matter of time before everyone else leaves me; Mike, Louis, hell even Rachel. And-", Harvey paused.
"And"?
"Donna", he gave her that look. That look that was supposed to signal to her to stop pressing. It was a warning telling her to stop pushing.
"And what Harvey"?
"And I'll be alone", he blurts. Making Donna take a step back out of shock. Did he really just say that? A silence feel between them. Neither of them knew what to say. Both processing what Harvey had just blurted out. Donna wasn't used to Harvey revealing himself like that. Of him showing any sign of weakness. He'd just shared with her and insecurity of his. Out loud. That had to be a first. Harvey was mortified. Did I really just admit i'm afraid of being alone. He knew this wasn't something Donna would let go of. She's want to talk about it, she always wants to talk about feelings. He cursed himself for letting the words slip out of his mouth so carelessly.
"Harvey, what makes you think you'll be alone"? She asks. Smiling sadly at him. Doesn't he know that I'll be there for him? Always.
"Donna", he pleaded Redirecting his eye's to his laptop. He hoped that if he stared at the screen long enough she'd get the cue to leave. It was no use thought. He knew that she wasn't going to back down from this. He surrendered. "It'll never be my time. You know why? Because I belong here. This is my home. The rest of you don't belong. At least not like I do. One day the rest of you will go off and live your lives. While I stay here'".
"Harvey", Donna sighed.
"You know, I thought Jessica and I were cut from the same cloth. That we both lived for the firm. That the firm was both of our homes. That we'd die together in the firm", he joked sadly. "The thought of her leaving never even crossed my mind."
"I don't think any of us expected her to leave", Donna countered. "The firm was her life".
"I thought I could always count on her. You guys leaving was inevitable. But I thought she'd always be here", he paused. "That I'd never be alone".
"Havey how could you think you'd ever be alone. Will always be here for you. All of us", she paused. "Who knows what the future holds. One day it may be your time".
"That's unlikely". The thought of him leaving is one that he never entertained himself, and he suspected she had only brought it up to make him feel better.
"It may", she objected. "Harvey were a family. It doesn't matter if you leave. It doesn't matter if Mike leaves. It doesn't even matter if I leave", she said putting special emphasis on herself. "Because at the end of the day were a more than just coworkers. Were family".
"Jessica's was my family. My partner, and now she's gone".
"Not forever. You know this isn't forever. Right?" she tried to reason. "Sometime's family members leave. But they always end up coming back".
"Things are still going to be different".
"They are", Donna agreed. "She needed things to be different. You respected her decision. Now you have to stop blaming yourself for her making that decision".
"Donna I can't", he admitted. A frustrated look present on his face. A look that appeared anytime he admitted defeat.
"It's not your fault", Donna whispered.
"Donna", he shook his head. She just doesn't get it. The lawyer in him made it so he always found someone to be guilty.
"Do you miss her"? She asked delicately.
"Donna I just saw her less than an hour ago", he reasoned.
"Do you"?
"Yes", he whispered. Slowly standing up from his laptop and making his way over towards the couch. Grabbing a scotch on the way, which his throat had been itching for since the beginning of this conversation. He thought about offering Donna a glass of scorch, and he usually would have. However, he thought she may see the offering as an invitation to stay, and he was still hoping she'd just leave, so they could stop having this his displeasure though she didn't get the hint, and she continued to stand there near his record collection.
"Good", she inferred.
"What do you mean good"? Harvey asked. Chuckling softly because only Donna could make him so confused.
"Because you're letting yourself feel". Even though Donna wasn't standing beside Harvey, and couldn't see his face. She could feel him roll his eyes at that. Everyone knows Harvey hate's feelings. More then that he hate's other people knowing his feelings.
"I still think it's my fault".
"It's no more your fault then it is my fault".
"How do you figure that"? He asked rolling his eye's. The thought of her being to blame one that never crossed his mind.
"With your logic, the reason that Jessica left is because of Mike's trial. You hired Mike. But I allowed you to hire a fraud. Hell, i'm the one who let him have an interview".
"Donna you didn't know".
"It was my job to know. So if you want to blame anyone blame me", she suggested. Walking over towards the couch, and then taking a seat on the one opposite to Harvey's.
"Donna I'm not going to blame you".
"Don't blame yourself either then", Donna advised.
"You know who we could blame"? He asked a smirk present on his face.
"Who"? She questioned.
"Louis", he chuckled. Taking a sip out of his glass.
"You wouldn't have had to hire an associate if he had made senior partner".
"That's true. But like he was ever going to make senior partner over me. I'm just too awesome", he laughed. Getting up to offer Donna a glass of scotch. He felt bad for not doing so before, and he could sense that there "emotional conversation" was now over.
"That's true", she laughed. Taking a sip of the scotch that he had just handed to her. Truth be told she didn't really even like scotch. The only reason she drank it was because it became some sort of ritual between her and Harvey. You know the ritual where; She forced him to confront his emotions. He denied his emotions. She kept pushing, until eventually he admitted to something. Though usually not the thing she'd been trying to pry out of him. It was an unofficial ritual of theirs, and this ritual always ended with them having a glass of scotch.
They sat there in silence for a moment. Donna was just enjoying the fact that they made a breakthrough. The fact that she had learned more about the man she thought she knew so much about, but in reality knew so little about. She felt victorious in the fact that he didn't seem to be blaming himself anymore. Harvey on the other hand was just focusing on the glass of scotch in his hand. "You'll leave one day".
"And so will you", she retorted.
"You'll leave first", he challenged.
"Maybe", she whispered.
"To one day", he cheered sarcastically. In reality he dreaded that day. He couldn't even bare the thought. He elt his mind roam for a second. Recounted the conversation he'd just had. It had got him thinking. Maybe the firm wasn't his home. Maybe he wouldn't be there forever. Jessica was more committed to the firm then anyone, and she was leaving. It made him wonder if maybe one day he'd leave as well. He'd always wanted to travel. Maybe he'd leave to travel. The possibilities were endless. Even though now the idea of leaving the firm sounded ludicrous to him. That didn't mean it always would. Didn't mean that one day his time wouldn't come. Harvey was now realizing that.
"To one day", Donna smiled.