My lover, My Friend- based around Thursday 15th and Friday 16th episodes of Eastenders
"I've got to go"
Syed felt as if his heart were being ripped from his body. He couldn't tear his eyes from Christian. Christian, so god damn beautiful and defiant, demanding he choose, challenging him, and refusing to beg him to stay.
"Then go"
But Syed couldn't. Couldn't turn away. Couldn't let his eyes leave Christian's. He felt that were he to break that gaze, turn his back and leave now, that would be it. He couldn't do it; he needed Christian like he needed air to breathe. As he stood before him, he knew Christian was meeting him face to face, man to man, understanding all his darkness, his weakness and yet offering him his love and the chance to be his natural self. No one had offered him that gift before. No one had seen him, the way Christian saw him.
Christian was not only willing to journey with and try to understand Syed, through every nuance of his feelings and needs, he understood how to take Syed to his limits and help him push through. Christian understood his need to be sometimes soft, to make love with tenderness and subtlety, and at other times to be wanton and rough and be fucked. And Christian had loved him enough to let him try to please his family, try to honour his wife and his faith. Loved him enough not to reveal their affair, to wait for him understanding that it had to be his choice. But now Christian had had enough, had called him a spineless, gutless man. Was he really that? He had tried to protect his family, was that the coward's way? Maybe it was true that he was also protecting himself from the terrible consequences he knew would ensue were he to reveal the truth to his family. And maybe it was also true that he was still unable to accept himself. Everything he'd been brought up to believe condemned him. And yet, this man standing before him with such dignity, this man had helped him know himself and begin to accept who he was. Syed had never met anyone like him. Truth was Syed adored him. Loved him. Dear God, last night they had made love in every way imaginable, their hunger for each other seemed to have no limit. Christian had challenged him.
"When are you going to tell her you love me?
And when Syed didn't speak because he couldn't deny it,
"Say it."
"No"
"Coward…"
"No!"
He had lunged at Christian then, at breaking point. Christian had got the better of him, had almost strangled him in his frustration and pent up emotion. The weeks of having to watch Syed and Amira struggling, knowing there was nothing he could do unless Syed came to him, had taken their toll on Christian, on them both, and for a moment Syed took pleasure in being hurt, in being overpowered. He wanted Christian to lose his temper; somehow it helped him release the impossible burden he had been carrying. Christian realised what he was doing, that this was the man he loved and had loosened his grip. They looked at each other, Christian looking at Syed with such pain that they had come to this and with such undisguised wanting. Syed looking back with the same terrible hurt and need and then because he couldn't stop himself any longer Syed pulled Christian's lips to his and they were swept away with their passion.
After denying himself for so long, after all the pressure from Amira to 'perform' and the subsequent few times he had managed to make himself have sex with her, he had felt unable to get enough of Christian. They had sucked and fucked, made love, until Syed felt his whole being was suffused with Christian. He could smell him, feel him, even now, his body still bore the beautiful ache of their lovemaking.
And now, in this moment he couldn't think of anything but the man standing so close to him.
"Christian."
He could feel the tears and he wiped them roughly away.
"I can't do this, everyone is waiting for me, but I can't …I don't want to let you go… I love you."
He was in such anguish that Christian reached his hand out to touch his face. Syed closed his eyes, dropped his head a little, allowed Christian to pull him close.
"Then don't let me go. Stay, be with me"
Christian's voice was low, suffused with love and desire. He kissed Syed with such tenderness, one hand in Syed's hair, his arm around Syed's waist. Syed disappeared into that kiss. Allowed himself to relax, allowed Christian's kiss to soothe his torment, to be his balm. Here seemed the only place he should be. The place that gave him peace. Christian took hold of his hand. They didn't speak. He laid their coats on the floor, on top of all the dust sheets, and they lay down, Syed on his back, feeling his muscles releasing their tension, as if a terrible strain had been lifted from him. The light from the street lamps shone a soft glow through the window and in the semi darkness Syed felt himself hidden from the world, from all its harshness and judgement. The moment was now, there was nothing before and nothing after this. There was only himself and the man he loved, the man who loved him. Christian lay on his side, leaning on one arm, looking down on him loving him, stroking his face, his lips, with impossibly light and tender grace.
"Mine" he whispered and Syed's whole being responded. Christian leaned over him and they kissed, Syed reaching up to hold Christian's neck to keep Christian's lips on his and Christian running his hand lightly down Syed's chest, resting his hand on Syed's belly, just above where Syed was becoming hard and wanting again.
There was a noise. It barely registered with either of them at first, so lost were they in their love, in the beauty and stillness of the moment. Then there was the sound of feet going down the stairs. Instantly, they both looked up, all warmth and light seemed to flee from the room and then Syed, heart pounding, the tormenting, endless dialogue reasserting itself in his head, said,
"Was that my dad?"