I CAN'T BREATH FROM THAT EPISODE OF PLL. THE ARIA STUFF WAS SAD BUT THOSE ENDING SPOBY SCENES KILLED ME. I AM DEAD. AND I AM PUTTING OFF HOMEWORK TO WRITE A DIFFERENT ENDING TO THAT BECAUSE I CAN'T BREATH AND I'M DYING AND JUST... JUST READ OKAY!? OMGOMGOMGOMG. IF WE DON'T GET 40 MINUTES OF CONCERNED TOBY NEXT EPISODE THEN I WANT A REFUND.
I AM FORGOING LIFE AND HOMEWORK AND THINGS I NEED TO DO TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE I AM SURE I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE DYING RIGHT NOW. REPAY ME BY REVIEWING AND LETTING ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, OKAY!?
DYING. DEAD. NEXT EPISODE BETTER BE THE BEST SPOBY EPISODE IN LIKE A YEAR TO MAKE UP FOR THIS PAIN.
SPOV
It had been a long day. She couldn't believe that the girls had bought Ezra's deflection onto her. The Adderall is stupid. She knew that, and she knew that she needed to stop. She knew it hurt her credibility with them, but shouldn't they be on her side? If the situation was reversed she would have at least taken the words of her friends into consideration, but they had all but shut her down. It was unfortunate, because she knew that she was right. It was hard, but if staying up all night was what it took to finally get to the bottom of this then she would be grateful for the brief intermission into drug addiction. Aria, Emily, and Hanna would realize that she was right soon. But until then she couldn't talk to them. She couldn't even look at them without wanting to burst into tears. How could they not believe her? How could they not see what was happening?
But tonight she wasn't going to worry about it. Tonight she was going to shut all of that off and go spend time with the one person that she knew would be there for her no matter what. She smiled softly as she reached the base of the stairs. Suddenly she felt her head spinning and grabbed tightly onto the rail. She was done with the Adderall. When it started to have an adverse effect on the most important relationships in her life then it was time to cut it out. That didn't mean that she was immune to the negative side effects of withdraw.
Once the head rush passed she slowly walked up the stairs and knocked a few times on the door. She couldn't suppress a laugh as she heard a thump and a muttered curse. He was trying really hard for some reason, but she wasn't going to complain. She'd let herself be treated like she mattered for awhile. It would be a nice change.
The door swung open and she was greeted by the smiling face of her boyfriend. He just paused and looked at her for a moment, a smile stretched across his face. "I missed you."
She laughed and leaned up to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug. "It's only been a couple hours," she teased. But she squeezed him as tightly as she could, hopefully conveying how much she agreed with him despite her teasing words. Any moment that she spent away from him was a moment wasted. He was everything.
He slid one of his arms down to her waist and led her inside. "So I got takeout from that little Italian place that you like. Do you want the lasagna or the penne with pesto? I'll take whatever you don't want."
"Lasagna, duh." He really should know better by now. Usually she tried to avoid carbs if it wasn't field hockey season, but she could inhale some lasagna like it was nobody's business. Although, he probably did know. This wasn't the first time that they had eaten there. He was just trying to be his usual adorable, sweet self. "I know how much you like your pesto."
He chucked and pulled away, pausing to look at her again. "Spence are you feeling alright? You look a little pale."
"Oh. Um I'm fine. Just a little tired."
She took in the disbelief on his face, but knew he wouldn't question her further. Not unless he thought that something was really wrong. "So about that food?"
"For such a skinny girl you can really pack the food away," he smiled as he dished out their pasta and garlic bread.
Yeah, she really could. Mostly because he knew exactly what she liked and always bought her favorites, even if he didn't like them. She would never forget the time that she finally convinced him to try sushi. "Remember when we went to Fuji on my birthday last year?"
He groaned and plopped down on a chair in front of his massive plate of food. He took a moment to thoughtfully spear a few pieces of pasta before answering with a note of humor in his voice. "I love you, but you are never going to convince me to eat there again! Why would I eat little balls of rice with Nemo's dead, uncooked mother flopped on top?"
"Oh my God! Toby! No, don't ruin one of my favorite foods!" She giggled and started to cut into her heaping pile of lasagna goodness. The smell of tomato sauce was soothing. This had been one of the worst days that she had experienced in a really long time. Her friends probably hated her. And for good reason. She shouldn't have ever started to take those pills. She had been through this before, and she knew how it effected her credibility. And now Ezra knew that she knew. He knew, and he was doing everything he could to destroy her.
But somehow none of that mattered. Not when she was enveloped within the safety of Toby's apartment. He would keep her safe. He believed in her, and he was always on her side. Sometimes she took that for granted. It was something that she had never appreciated more than she did right now. She could sit down and confess everything to him right now, and he would be upset for a minute and then he would fully believe and support her. What did she ever do to deserve him?
"Spence?"
Her eyes whipped up to his face and she smiled softly. "Sorry I spaced out there for a second."
"That's fine," he laughed and stood up in front of her. He brushed the back of his hand gently over her cheek, his warm hand leaving goosebumps in its wake. "I was just asking if you wanted to watch a movie while we eat dessert?"
"Dessert too? Are you trying to fatten me up for some specific reason?" She laughed and got up to carry her dishes to the sink, but Toby smoothly slipped them out of her hands. He really spoiled her too much, but this was fine because she hated doing dishes with a burning passion. There was something that just disgusted her about crusty, leftover food. Even lasagna.
"Weirdly enough we hadn't really discussed our favorite ice cream flavors, but I figured vanilla was a safe bet. I bought a variety of toppings and stuff, so even if you don't like vanilla you can make it something different."
She laughed and walked up behind him. Her hands lightly brushed against his abs underneath his t-shirt. She felt him tense up slightly, but before she had a chance to ask what was wrong he spun around and squirted chocolate syrup on top of her head. A sound that was a combination between a laugh and a squeal escaped her throat as she jumped backwards. "Toby!"
He just chuckled and rubbed the syrup into her hair. "It's a good look for you, Spence."
Oh no. Oh no no no, did he not realize who he was dealing with here? She was Spencer Hastings. He didn't realize it, but he had just started a war. She smiled and leaned up to kiss him, lightly pressing her lips to his own. Toby responded immediately by burying his hands in her chocolate covered hair. Perfect. She reached behind her until her hand came in contact with a spray can of whipped cream. After slowly counting to three in her head she uncapped the whipped cream and sprayed it underneath Toby's shirt.
He jerked away from her with a laugh. "That was dirty, Hastings!"
"All's fair in love and war," she winked and aimed the whipped cream at him again. "Don't think that I can't see the thirst for retaliation in your eyes, Cavanaugh. Stay back or I'll get you again!"
He raised his eyebrows in a challenging manner. "You know, I really liked this shirt," he said in a lower, more seductive voice. The dirty cheater pulled it over his head and tossed it to the side. She literally could not stop her eyes from dropping down to look at his muscular body. It's a trap, it's a trap. Don't fall for it. But her internal voice be damned. Toby had an incredible body, but he was so shy about it. Any time that he took his shirt off she took full advantage of ogling time.
While she was distracted he rubbed some of the whipped cream from his chest into her hair. "Now all we need to make a Spencer Sundae is a little ice cream."
She couldn't help but giggle as she got up on her tip toes and kissed him. Judging by the way that Toby deepened the kiss she could have gotten away with the same trick twice, but that wasn't even on her mind anymore. After a moment he pulled away and just rested his forehead on hers, both of them content to just hold the other.
How many girls out there were dying for a boyfriend like Toby? And here she was; she had him, but she definitely didn't fully appreciate him. She was still lying to him, and for what purpose? Almost every obstacle that they had encountered throughout the course of their relationship was due to her inability to tell him the full truth. More often than not the lie was justified. She couldn't let -A hurt him, but now he knew about -A. She wasn't lying to protect him anymore, this was about her. But didn't he deserve answers? He had literally dropped everything in his life to protect her. He had always kept her safe and made her feel looked after in a way that she had never experienced. He was her safe place to land, and he always had been.
She could keep her secrets, but he would figure them out eventually. The girls knew about the drugs, and she was sure that Emily would spill the beans if she thought that it was something that she needed. And Ezra? Ezra knew about her. It was selfish, but maybe she would feel a little safer if she shared that burden with Toby.
If she waited another minute she was going to rethink it and lose her nerve. "I need to tell you something."
The smile on his face dimmed slightly. "Are you finally going to tell me why you're face is roughly the color of a marshmallow?"
Her hand touched her face and was slightly shocked by the chill that her fingers were met with. Great. "You don't deserve to be lied to. I'm sorry I didn't come to you with this sooner."
A concerned frown replaced his smile. Both of his arms wrapped around her as he lead her to the squashy couch in his living room. Gratitude swept through her at his kindness and his tender touch. But she was going to have to pay to have this couch deep cleaned later. They were never going to get all of this out of the fabric. She spun on the couch and grabbed both of his hands. If she was going to get through this she was going to need the physical contact. She could be strong on her own, but she was at her strongest when she was by Toby's side. "Do you want the me thing first or the -A thing?"
"Whatever's easier for you." Even when he was on the precipice of answers he was still the perfect gentleman. Had their situations been reversed she was sure that she'd be salivating and foaming at the mouth.
Telling him about Ezra would be easier for her, but she had a fairly well-founded suspicion that he wasn't going to react well to it. And it would be easier to explain the Ezra thing if she explained about the pills first. "You aren't going to like it."
"Spencer as soon as you told me you had a secret I kind of assumed that. If you thought I'd be okay with it you would have told me already," his words were firm but not mean. "And I can see the wheels in your head turning, so let me say something first. I don't care what you have to tell me. I love you more than anything in the world, and nothing that you tell me is going to change that."
She closed her eyes and tried to think of where she should even start. "I-I've been doing something stupid. You know that I have ADHD, right?"
He nodded and brushed her food covered hair out of her face. This was going to be hard to talk about, but it needed to be done if she was going to help him to fully understand why everyone was so worried about her. "Well, about two years ago everything started to fall apart for me. Looking back now I can see that I was being very melodramatic, but at the time it felt like it was the end of the world. Melissa got into UPenn and it was all that anyone could talk about, I got a C in Chemistry, Alison was mad at me which meant that the girls were mad at me also, I almost lost the class president election. It was just a series of really sucky things."
She paused to collect her emotions. This wasn't something that she had ever talked about before, and she didn't realize how hard it would be to dredge up these memories. "I started to abuse my Adderall to stay awake. My grades started to improve because I had more hours to study, and I honestly liked the way that it made me feel. I didn't see anything wrong with it. But that didn't last for long. Soon I was taking way too many, and it started to affect my health. I was constantly dizzy, and I passed out a few times. There are big chunks of time that I have no memory of. Eventually my parents figured out and got me off of it, but it was a long, hard, painful process."
Now for the really hard part. She didn't want to admit that she was weak enough to start again. Although, she was sure he had ascertained that this was where this story was going. But to his credit Toby hadn't said a word. He just rubbed a continuous gentle circle on the back of her hand. "About two weeks ago, right after our fight, I started taking the Adderall again. I figured out something huge about -A. I needed to stay awake because I needed to be absolutely sure before I told the girls. It isn't as bad as it was last time, but it's still not good. This person figured out that I'm onto them and they told the girls about the pills. And now they think I'm crazy. They don't believe me, but I'm not wrong Toby. I know who -A is, and that puts a lot of people in danger."
"You included," he murmured softly and pulled her closer to him. His hand cupped around her head and gently brought it down to his shoulder. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "I'm done with the Adderall. I gave the last of the pills to Hanna. Withdraw sucks. I feel cold and dizzy, but it's a lot better than the alternative. But I just- I hate myself for this. I'm supposed to be stronger than this."
She hadn't even realized she was crying until the rough pad of his thumb began to methodically wipe the tears away. "You're the strongest person I know. But we all make mistakes, Spence."
"Why are you being so nice to me?" She sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
"Did you expect me to be mean?" His voice was curious, but he didn't give her a chance to answer before continuing. "I think that we both know that you wouldn't have told me this if it was still an ongoing issue. You know that you can't take the pills any more, right?"
She nodded against his shoulder. Of course she knew that. She knew it to begin with, but the risk seemed worth it at the time. It wasn't worth it anymore. Not when it was ruining the best things in her life. She needed her friends to forgive her, but that was another battle for a different time.
"As long as you're safe then I'm happy," he whispered into her hair. "But Spence, I do wish you would have felt like you could come to me with this earlier. I might have been able to help you."
She shook her head. "No, I just would have lashed out at you. I needed to see that I needed help on my own. You know how I am."
His lips pressed against her hair as he nodded. "I love you so much. And I'm glad that you're okay."
"I will be. Do you want to hear about -A now?" She was a little reluctant to share this with him because she was sure that he was going to want to run off and play the hero again. That just wasn't acceptable to her. She needed him here with her.
"I think that you definitely need to tell me who -A is." The dangerous edge that was now present in his voice was not an encouraging sign of things to come.
"Toby, if I tell you who -A is you have to promise me that you'll stay calm. I know I seem okay, but I'm barely holding it together. Stay here with me, okay?" Her voice rose an octave and was colored by desperation. If he got hurt because she told him this then she would never forgive herself. He had to stay safe, that was all that mattered.
"I promise, baby. I won't leave you."
The sincerity was undeniable, so she took a deep breath before giving that answer that he so desperately craved. "Ezra Fitz is -A."
Toby didn't immediately respond verbally. But his arms tightened around her, and his head ducked down into her hair. It was at that moment that she remembered she was covered in chocolate and couldn't suppress a small smile at what his face must look like at this point. If she had to guess she would say that he was trying to convince himself to keep his promise and stay there with her.
"Your- your English teacher? So you have to go to class and sit in front of the man who is torturing you every day?" His tone was strangled with repressed emotion.
"Trust me, I know. It's not ideal. But I don't know what else to do." She thought it was best that she didn't tell him that she slept walk and took a nap on the man's desk. He might burst an aneurysm or something.
"I'll tell you what we're going to do. I'm going to come have lunch with you every day until we get this straightened out. That was I know you're safe. But now that we know who it is we can end this, right?"
If anyone else in the world told her what she was going to do she would have lashed out at them. She was a strong, capable, independent woman. She didn't need a protector. But when it came to Toby everything was different. He knew as well as she did that she didn't need him. He didn't want to protect her because he felt like she was incapable of protecting herself. His only motivation was because he loved her. He made it evident in his every action. God, she was so lucky. And honestly, she would feel a lot safer if Toby was there. "Yeah, I think we can as soon as we get the girls on board. But I don't want to talk about this anymore."
He looked down at her like he wanted to protest, but in the end he just smiled and nodded. "I have a present for you."
"Wait what? Why?" In her family presents were only exchanged for a birthday, Christmas, or a monumental accomplishment. She didn't think that this qualified as any of those.
Toby laughed quietly. Tension was still evident around his eyes, but he was making an effort to be happy for her. "A 'thanks for being there for me while I went a little crazy' present. And a present because I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I- you're just everything to me Spencer. I don't know what I'd do without you, and I don't want to know."
He pulled the small jewelry box out of his pocket and passed it to her. His eyes lingered on her face as she took it into her own hands. Her fingers lightly brushed over the velvet, enjoying the tickling sensation on her fingers. She slowly lifted the lid and gasped when she saw the necklace within. She lifted the scrabble piece to get a closer look at it. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, but this time they were happy tears.
Scrabble was such a symbolic thing for them. It was at the very foundation of their relationship, and it had been a part of their lives ever since. One day she would regain her Scrabble championship title from him. This necklace was the perfect symbol of their relationship. It couldn't have been anymore perfect. "Toby," she breathed.
"So you like it?" His tone was needlessly nervous. As if she could dislike a gift this perfect? He couldn't have done any better.
"I love it. It's perfect." She pulled it out of the box and handed it to Toby so that he could put it on her.
His hands brushed her hair over one shoulder and slowly latched the necklace. The tip of his tongue stuck out as he concentrated on connecting the two small, metal loops. As soon as he had it attached she moved to her knees and attacked his mouth with her own. She had never been very good at expressing gratitude with words, but hopefully this got her point across. Once they broke away she wrapped her arms around him as tightly as she could. "I love you. I love you." The truth in her words rang out with every syllable. Truer words had never been spoken.
Unconditional love and support wasn't something that neither of them had grown up with, but maybe that's part of why their relationship was so strong. They found something in each other that they hadn't known that they were missing. They were the support system that they so desperately needed. Difficult times would always happen, but as long as she had Toby by her side she would find a way to endure it all.