I don't own Torchwood and never will and if I did I wouldn't do this. This may be upsetting to some readers.
Contains swearing, character bashing and about 4 counts of suicide.
Sometimes the only way is the wrong way. Tosh knew that more than most. The pain of everything sometimes got too much. She felt it in her heart. A dull aching pain in the middle of her chest. Sometimes, when it really hurt she could feel right through it. Like there was actually a crack in her heart and the only bit remaining was the bottom and all that was was hope. When she was in U.N.I.T she thought about killing herself a lot. She couldn't talk to an outsider ever again so there was no hope. Her heart was broken. She tried hanging herself but they saved her. What bastards? She got 50 lashings for that. After she'd been beaten they threw her in her cell and left her. She cried for no reason she hoped she'd wake up dead next morning. No. she was still alive for that day. Slowly, the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months. How long? The day Jack came was heaven. Just how did he manage it? She was told time and time again that she was allowed no outside communication yet here she was talking to an outsider. He was handsome to – there was something about him. Then he said it. 'Babe, you're good.' Her heart stitched itself back up again. After a few months at Torchwood, she felt like she had a purpose again. She had a lover – Suzie – and friends, Jack and Owen. Then Ianto joined them and she became friends with him. Finally, Gwen joined them and Suzie died. She'd lost her lover and Owen. Owen fell for Gwen the moment he set eyes on her. Little rat. Mary came and died and Tosh couldn't take it anymore. She'd stay awake for nights on end just sitting in the dark. She'd cut herself – her hip and other places no one would accidently see – she's drink herself silly in a bar and end up with the wrong men. She hated herself and Torchwood. They had a chance to make her so good and they failed all because they killed her lovers and stole her friends. One time, when she was sat in the dark, around 3 in the morning there was a timid knock on the door. She got up and opened it to find Ianto standing there. She let him in and they stayed awake for an hour or so and they fell asleep in each other's arms. Next day, Gwen wouldn't stop asking questions. What was it about Gwen that pissed Tosh off so much? It always felt like that Gwen pitied her and looked down her nose at her. Stupid whore. Then Owen got shot and Gwen couldn't take it anymore. Excuse me? Tosh had known Owen for longer and just because she hadn't slept with him she couldn't be with him. It was stupid. She really wanted to hit Gwen and have a massive go at her but she knew she couldn't – as much as she hated Gwen sometimes she couldn't. That night, Ianto had been with her again. She told him everything and he talked to her too. Weird as it was, they were both the same. They felt the same and wanted to do the same. Ianto talked of how he'd tried before but none worked. Tosh told of her times. They agreed they had to try once more. They said of places where and how. They agreed. They left Tosh's flat and went to Ianto's. There they made their sentence and bottled it up for the time being. They looked at each other and Tosh dived in and kissed Ianto passionately. He pulled her close and held her. They broke the kiss and started into each other's eyes. They sat on the sofa, Tosh encased in Ianto's arms. They fell asleep. At 3.30 in the morning they woke up and put on their favourite clothes. Ianto – his black jeans, dark red shirt that Jack brought him and a black hoody. Tosh – trackies, baggy t-shirt and a zip up jumper. They went out the flat and left the door unlocked on purpose. They got into Ianto's car and drove off into the night. The journey was silent. Ianto asked what her favourite song was. She answered 'Tears in Heaven' by 'Eric Clapton'. Ianto played it. Tosh looked out the window at the dark sky. She started crying. Ianto reached over and stroked her knee gently. She looked at his hand and then his eyes. He smiled but looked down. She assured him she was ok and wanted this. He did the same back. They reached their destination. Ianto stopped the car and got out. He got their mixture out and sat back in his seat. Tosh leaned on him and he put an arm around her. Tosh said she wanted to kiss him one last time. They kissed, it was long and slow. Ianto opened the bottle and the deadly mixture filled the air. As they breathed it in, everything suddenly felt absolutely fine for them both and they were finally happy. Next morning, Jack woke up and went around to the computer terminals expecting Tosh and Ianto to be in and working. He shouted their names but no replies came. Jack stood behind a computer and checked the CCTV. No one had been in all morning. He called their phones but no one answered. He racked their cars. Tosh's was on Ianto's drive and Ianto's was missing. He widened the scan to the surrounding streets. Still nothing. We widened it to the whole city. Nothing. Panicking, he widened it to the county. There it was. The middle of nowhere. Jack shut it down and went to the SUV. He arrived at the place a few hours later. The car looked fine and he could see Ianto in there. Jack walked closer to the car and saw Tosh lying in his arms. They'd fallen asleep, how sweet? Jack touched the door handle and saw the note stuck under the wipers. He picked it up and read it. 'Don't open the car' it said. Then it hit Jack. Hit like a punch in the face. They weren't sleeping, they were dead. Jack yanked at the door but it wouldn't open. Tears were streaming down his face. He pulled his gun and shot the lock. The poison hit him immediately. He held his breath and tried to pull them out. It was no good. Jack realised there was nothing he could do. He stopped trying and sat in the car. He cuddled his two friends and waited for the poison to kill him. He died a few minutes later. Jack returned the hub looking solemn, he'd already put their bodies in the morgue. He'd remember them properly later. He walked straight past a confused Gwen and Owen without looking them or saying a word. He disappeared into his office and went down into his private area. He sat on his bed and picked up a photo of Tosh, Ianto and him. He held it to his heart and cried. He cried himself to sleep. He woke up after a bad dream. It was around 1 in the morning. Jack looked down at the photo and remembered what had happened. He stood up and went down to the bottom of the Hub. Their bodies were waiting, lying on cold slabs. Jack sat by them and held their hands. He cried. After a while, he got them ready. He knew this was breaking the rules but Torchwood had killed them, it wasn't going to keep them. He lit their wood piles they were on. He watched as the fire claimed them. He stood and watched them burn. Their spirits flying free. When they'd gone he went back up to his bedroom. He got some rope out of the safe and tied it to a pipe on his ceiling. He stood on a stool and made sure the noose was nice and tight around his throat. He thought of Ianto Jones and Toshiko Sato. He jumped knocking the stool away from him. He'd remember them. He promised.
I know this will upset a few people but I've been really down recently and had to write something. Please be nice when reviewing. Sprevs xx