Far Away
by Kitsunes Fire
-WARNINGS: Yaoi, possible lemon, slight angst
-DISCLAIMER: Come on, you all know how this works. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. I am merely a fan writing for my own enjoyment. And if other people are entertained then that is fantastic. But I am not getting paid to do this. If I were, then I wouldn't have nearly as much fun with this because it would be a job and it would be constantly censored...LOL. So enjoy. Any and all comments are greatly appreciated.
-A/N: You should be able to figure out who is talking...but if you can't then ask me. The name may or may not come up, but I think it's rather self-explanatory.
Oh yeah. This later becomes a bit of a song-fic. The song is "Far Away" by Nickelback...hence the title. And one last thing-- this fic is rated M just to be on the safe side. I don't know what will or won't happen...but as I mentioned in the warnings, there may be a lemon later on so I will rate this M just in case.
Hope you enjoy.
-KF
I still can't believe that five years have already passed since the day you left. It still doesn't feel like you are gone for good...and yet, every breath I take is a reminder of the emptiness inside of me that you had filled. So even though I know you are gone...at the same time, I don't. Even after these five long years, it still just hasn't sunken in that every morning I wake it will be the same. That you aren't going to be there as the sun rises or as the moon sets. That you won't come back to me...ever. And as much as it seems like such a long time since I last saw you, in some ways it feels like yesterday. I can still remember everything oh so vividly. Your ruby eyes. Your silken soft pale skin. Your gravity-defying jet black hair, the star burst of white bursting over your forehead. Your beautiful smile, from the rare occasions you allowed me to see it. Everything. I remember it all.
But most of all, I simply remember you. I remember the things you can't describe. The things that are just...Hiei. Your scent, faintly of pine and freshly fallen rain, mixed with the smell of outdoors and makai forests, though all the while holding something that was just plainly you. No other words could describe it. Your gaze-- the way you looked at me with those blazing eyes that you possess, sneaking glances when you thought no one was looking, but staring at me when no one else was around. Your touch-- the way your fingertips would dance upon my skin, the way your hands would lovingly caress my skin, so different from how you present yourself to be to the rest of the world. Everything about you was so different...and so amazing. I guess that's why I can't let those memories become lost.
Not that I want to remember. No...If anything, the opposite would be true. I wish I could forget you-- your smile, your scent, your gaze, your touch, your voice...It would make everything else so much easier.
But I can't.
Because everything reminds me of you now. I see a coffee pot and I remember attempting to teach you how to use what you considered to be a 'useless human contraption'. You never used it because you found you didn't like coffee anyway, except for that one time when I was sick in bed. You made coffee for me, but you burned it. I drank it anyway, because I didn't care. I was just so in love with you and loved that you tried.
Now when I see a desk I remember the times right after we had finally become a couple, when we were still in the adorable flirting/getting-to-know-you stage...which is kind of ironic because we had already known each other for a very long time, just not as a couple. You would come up behind me at night when I was doing my homework, and I would always pretend not to notice you. You would watch me do whatever I was doing for a while, then would just wordlessly move my arm so that you could sit in my lap. You were so adorable...you would snuggle like that for as long as it took for me to finish, sometimes even longer. I never told you, but some nights I would wait to start on my homework until I felt your aura nearby, so that you would stay like that longer. It was always so sweet how you would never say a thing except for the occasional "sweet dreams, fox" on your way back out.
I can't watch TV without thinking of you. I remember that night I convinced you to stay with me. You hadn't wanted to, but the promise of ice cream and snuggling kept you near. We made popcorn and watched TV. I automatically chose out one of those violent action movies I thought you would enjoy, but you surprised me as you snuggled close and gently tugged he remote out of my hand. I looked down at you in shock as you changed the channel to cartoons, and when I asked why you explained that your life was already full of blood and violence; that you wanted to watch something stupid and mindless. I think that was the most I had ever heard you talk...I loved you so much. I loved how sweet and child-like you truly were, but even more I loved how you would show that part of you only to me. We watched cartoons all night, you snuggled up close to me on the couch, and I think that was the first time I heard the music of your laughter. You eventually fell asleep in my arms...you never did get your ice cream. It wasn't until that night that it occurred to me just how much you cared about me...that you actually wanted to be with me.
Or so I thought. Gods, there is nothing I wouldn't give to have a little of that back. Because the one scene that sticks out in my mind the most is the memory of the day you left me. It's funny, because I didn't know it was happening when it was happening...only in hindsight do I realize when it was. I thought nothing of it at the time...it happened so suddenly...I just woke up one morning and you were gone. This wasn't that unnatural for you, so I paid no attention to your absence—that is, until a full week had passed without a trace of your existence. I felt so torn apart...and honestly, I still do. I couldn't understand why you would just leave me alone like that; no goodbye, no parting words of any kind...just disappearance. Even now I can't believe you are gone. I know you are...but I can't believe it. And I miss you so terribly... even five years later my heart aches, my body is hollow and my brain is numb.
So even as I stand before my mirror right now, preparing myself for the reunion party at Genkai's temple, I can think of nothing but you. You are the reason we even have a reunion after all, for you are the reason we broke apart. We couldn't be a team without you...so we simply weren't. We all went our own ways-- I returned to the human world, got my own apartment, got a job, and tried to move on.
But, as if you you couldn't already tell, I couldn't move on.
I got the invitation to the reunion about two weeks ago. It didn't take me long to figure out that it had been Yusuke's idea, and it took me even less time to figure out that no-one had heard from Hiei yet. Even now, the morning of the event, no word had been heard from the little fire demon. Not that I had really expected much to the contrary...but I still can't extinguish the small candle-like flame of hope inside of me that you will return. Don't ask me why I still have such such foolish hopes, for even I do not know why...perhaps it is because I refuse to believe the love you showed me was all an act. And if it wasn't an act, I know that someday you will return-- either to end this for good or to some back to me to stay.
I quickly glance at my watch, the narrow minute hand reminding me that I only have ten minutes to get to Genkai's temple. Cursing softly under my breath, I jog out of my apartment, quickly locking the door behind me before half-jumping down the 13 flights of stairs it takes me to reach the ground floor. Anyone who says stairs aren't exercise should try going up and down thirteen floors over and over every day...I wince slightly as the icy raindrops pelt down on me. Strange-- I hadn't even noticed it was raining. I groan as cars go whizzing by me. Of all the days for me to be running late...
I somehow manage to arrive at Genkai's temple in time to help out with the last minute preparations. By the time all the food is put out, the decorations arranged and the band set up I don't even want to think about socializing...or dancing for that matter. But given my nature, I cannot allow myself to be a wallflower, despite how much I yearn for it. Besides, whenever I stand alone in a dark corner it only reminds me of you.
I try to mingle with the growing crowd of guests, most of whom I don't even know; I try to get lost in the music and swaying bodies and forget everything else. Forget that I have to grade papers for the 10th grade class I teach. Forget that in two days time I will be back in that classroom, attempting to teach proper English to a bunch of teenagers who would much rather curse every other word and use non-stop chat speak. Forget the I really should be home cleaning my apartment which has gotten almost hazardously disastrous—very unlike me. Forget that I have more laundry to do than I have free time to do it all in. Forget that, really, I don't have free time to do anything. Forget that there is no such thing as free time...and forget that the reason I make myself so god-damned busy is so that I can forget you. Which is obviously failing.
My vision blurs as the lights dim and colored lights replace them, painting the room a rainbow of colors that makes me feel almost like I am on some sort of hallucinogenic drug. It's truly remarkable what they have done to this place to make it party-ready. It doesn't look anything like a temple anymore-- more like some exotic-themed night club that you might find while wandering the city streets of the human world. The flashing lights are starting to make me go blind, so I lean against the nearest wall and close my eyes, drowning myself in the almost painfully loud music. I already have a headache but quite honestly I don't really care. At least the pounding in my head matches the pounding of the bass.
Some reunion party. It seems more like a rave. I inwardly groan-- it is painfully obvious who organized this event. Yusuke is the only one I know who could pull something like this off, or for that matter, would even want to.
I find myself wondering how early I can leave without being rude. Finding no immediate answer and my head hurting too much to think it all through, I walk outside and sit on a bench in the meditation garden.
Strangely enough, the benches in the meditation garden aren't very comfortable. But as irritating as they are, it's still better than standing around inside and loosing my hearing and my sight. I don't know how much time has passed before some demon whom I don't even know calls out to me and tells me to come inside. When I ask her why, she tells me it's "the song", as if I am supposed to know what that means. Come on. I know I am intelligent, but I can't read minds. That's...Hiei's job...Anyway, she apparently reads my blank expression and explains that "it's almost the end". Honestly, I hear the word "end" and I immediately return inside. She doesn't need to tell me twice...whatever she said. Her exact phrasing doesn't matter much to my aching head anyway, just as long as I can go home soon.
I absently watch the techno/rock/metal band as they launch into the final chorus of their song. I smile, not because I like the song but because it is almost over. At this point, I am too tired and pained to care about how rude that is...which is very unlike me.
I automatically begin to leave as the band finishes and starts to pack up their equipment, but when I notice nobody else is moving I also stop. I glance around, slightly confused, until I notice what has caused everyone else to remain. Although the crazy rave lights have been turned off, the regular house lights are still on and still dim. This leads me, and apparently the rest of the crowd, to believe that although the craziness is over the night is not. Even Yusuke looks surprised, which makes me feel a bit uneasy.
I begin to mentally prepare myself for more skull-shattering, ear-ringing techno, but much to my surprise it never comes. Rather, it is only the sound of an acoustic guitar, shortly followed by a male voice that sounds strangely familiar. I scan the small stage to find the owner of the voice, but wherever they are they are hiding in the conveniently dimly lit room. I smile softly as I listen to the song...I find it enjoyable, and incredibly soothing after all of that club music.
"This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know..."
It isn't until the song reaches it's chorus that the singer steps out of the shadows and makes himself visible. Hiei. First my jaw drops, then my eyes shimmer with tears as I listen to the lyrics.
"That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
From far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore"
As the song goes into a short musical interlude he blushes faintly, then stares directly at me. I don't even need to move-- he just knows exactly where I am. He smiles at me briefly before jumping back into the chorus, all the while never breaking our eye contact.
"But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go"
I'm not sure what to do with myself...as much as I was hurt and confused by his sudden abandonment, all I want to do right now is jump up on the stage and and hug him tightly. He breaks our eye contact, and at first I am confused but then I realize it's because of the welling up of tears in his eyes. I am in shock-- I have only seen him cry once before, and even that was a rare occasion. I never thought that I would be the cause of his crying...I find that I am both honored and ashamed, yet also slightly confused. As the final lines of the song fade I feel a teardrop roll down my cheek...as I look up at the stage I see a lone tear rolling down his cheek as well. I meet his gaze and smile as the last notes of the song fade into the empty room.
"Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go"
A rumble of applause echoes through the room, though I am only partially aware of it. All I can hear right now is your voice, repeating over and over in my mind. I watch in a trance, my eyes watching but not really seeing. I am aware of you leaving the stage, though my eyes are so blinded by curtains of tears that I don't see where you have gone. I blink a few times, this causing more tears to fall and my vision to slowly return. Glancing around, I find that you have disappeared once more. This realization causes me to inwardly groan...just as quickly as you had come back into my life I have lost you all over again. I turn to leave, eager to get out of the public eye before they all saw me break down into sobbing, but before I can do so I feel fingertips gently dance along my back. This causes me to shiver and freeze, a shudder running through me. I quickly recover and spin around, ready to smack whoever dared touch me. You can only imagine my shock when I turned and saw that it was you. My hand freezes in the air as my eyes widen.
You flinch slightly when you see my hand in the air, as though the fact it has stopped and I am no longer about to hit you means nothing to you. You look so vulnerable-- your eyes seem larger and rounder than normal, your cheeks still red from blushing and...tears? Yes, now that I am looking for it I can see evidence that you have been crying. I am tempted to ask why, but don'[t for fear that I won't like the answer. Instead, my hand that is hovering in the air gently caresses your soft cheek, this causing you to look up at me with slightly surprised eyes. I suppose the reason you look so vulnerable right now is because, right now, you are vulnerable. You have made yourself that way...though it is beyond me why you would do such a thing. Especially since I have so much reason to take advantage of such vulnerability, though I would never act upon it. But you don't know that...so I am mystified by your actions.
Not to say this is the first time your actions have confused me. Not by a long shot...though I think it is safe to say this is the first time I don't even have a clue. You always go by logic in everything you do, but this...this has no logic at all.
Before I contemplate this any further, I am drawn out of my thoughts as I feel you press your cheek into my hand. You then tilt your head so that your lips are against my palm, placing a gentle kiss on my sensitive flesh. I shiver again, though this time not out of fear but something much warmer and more pleasant. I can feel your thin lips curve into a small smile before you pull away, looking up at me almost expectantly, though of what I don't know. I don't think you do either...I think that you just want me to do something. And I want me to do something...but I don't know what. Actually, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do, but I'm not sure if I should forgive you so easily. I mean, you left me without a trace for five years! What am I supposed to do now; now when you suddenly come back into my life as though you had never even left. What is there to say you won't do that again? How can I trust you again...? Should I even try to trust you again?
The answer hits me like a smack to the face. That is why you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable to me now. You are showing me, in that unique way of yours, that you know you were wrong and you know that I have been hurt by you. But you are telling me that you are sorry; that you know words can't undo what has been done but if they could you would tell me a speech. That I now have power over you, not the other way around-- that you feel you deserve punishment for what you have done and you are giving me permission to give out said punishment. I guess that also explains why you expected me to hit you before...and why all of the sudden you have become so shy. And as adorable as that shyness is, I refuse to make you feel so down. Like you said that one night when we were watching cartoons, you have enough grief in your life already, and I won't allow myself to be a cause for any additional pain for you to suffer through.
As I hold you close you first stiffen with what I can imagine would be shock, but you soon relax into my arms, cuddling like you always used to. Right now, all that matters to me is that you came back. All the rest can wait...I have already waited so long for this. I can afford to wait a little longer. I don't even care about all the strange looks and disapproving stares we are getting right now, and judging by your behavior you don't either. I smile as I gently massage your shoulders, my efforts rewarded with a soft moan of contentment, which only causes me to smile even more. Gods I missed you so much...and if what your lyrics were as true as I hope they are you missed me too. I hold you closer as I think about what else that song said...and after having a brief mental argument with myself I reach up and bury my hands in your soft hair as you continue to embrace me. It feels so good to be in your arms again.
Without realizing it I have closed my eyes. By the time I open them almost everyone has already gone. I grin as I notice your eyes are closed as well, though you look like you are about to fall asleep standing up. I softly laugh-- I know that you are really tired when you don't respond. Normally the slightest sound would make you move...damned instincts. It used to be a nightmare trying to get you to fall asleep and stay asleep...though it seems much has changed in the five years we were apart. Absently I start to wonder what else has changed about you, though I suppose I will find out in due time.
That is, assuming that this time you are here to stay...gods, I pray you are here to stay. I don't know what I'd do if you left me again...Just the thought of it brings a new batch of tears to my eyes. It doesn't take long for them to fall as I cling on to you, silently sobbing over a mere thought. This awakens you from your half-slumber, and you look up at me with worry written clearly across your face. You open your mouth to say something, presumably to ask me why I am crying, but you stop yourself before any sound is made. Perhaps it is because you already know why...or maybe you just don't want to know. Either way, you instead reach up and wipe the tears from my face, a gentle, comforting smile on your face as you look up at me. You then pull me closer-- it's strange how quickly the tides have changed. Not ten minutes ago it was me holding you as you cried out your sorrows...now the roles have been reversed. Actually... the more I think about that the more I find that to be false. We have not changed roles for we have the same role-- we are both in need of comfort from the other, and we are both providing that comfort.
I guess that is what true love is...the needing of comfort and love and the receiving of comfort and love. And gods know I love you...but do you love me too? I wish I could just ask you, but it isn't that easy. Maybe it was before, but not anymore...not since you left me. And until you tell me why you left me and, more importantly, what made you come back, I know that I will never fully trust you again. And until I can fully trust you I can never love you. What do you want? I am willing to give so much to you...but you have to want it before you can have it.
You snap me out of my thoughts by asking me if I still live in my old apartment. You snicker softly when I answer in the affirmative; this laughter is rewarded with a playful ruffle of the hair. I ask if you still refuse to become part of normal civilization and join us in the age of technology by getting a cell phone...When I correctly interpret your 'hn' to be a yes I can't help but laugh. You of course counter my laughter with a soft growl and the narrowing of your ruby eyes. Your efforts fail of course-- you only make me laugh even more. Sighing softly you give in to me like you always do, rolling your eyes at me and calling me a 'baka kitsune' before a small smile tugs at the corners of your small mouth. You then lean up so that your soft lips tickle my ear as you whisper to me. "See you later, fox..." before flitting off into the darkness.
I am not disappointed to see you go, for I know that I will see you again-- you said you would, and if I have learned one thing about you in the many years I have known you it is that you never, under any circumstances, go back on you word. At the same time...I feel scared. I don't know what to do...all of this is so sudden, and it feels like I have no time left. Which is ironic, since I have waited five years for this to be happening. But now that it's here I wish things would just slow down so I could think things through and figure out what it is I want and what it is I should do.
As I return to my apartment I take a deep breath and mentally slap myself. I am being ridiculous. I should just enjoy the fact that you have returned and you still at least care about me, if not love me. With these thoughts in my head I take another deep breath before falling into a deep sleep.
A/N: Okay, I shall leave it at that for now...I am too lazy to come up with much more at the moment. And Silver Ame Tsukino has been bugging me to get this posted for days now. LOL anyway, have no fear, I shall be writing more. Please review!!!
Silver: AWSOME!! I TOTALLY WORSHIP THIS STORY NOW!! -grinning- she took FOREVER posting this chapter!!!
KF: Oh, well if you think thats good, wait till you read our co-authored fic that has yet to be named! It shall be amazing...when we actually write it. -sweat drop-
Silver: L8R PEEPS!! review or else!!!
KF: -shakes head disapprovingly- now now silver, what have I told you about threating the readers? -rolls eyes- LOL I hope you enjoyed and please review