A/N: Okay, I really don't want to know where I got the idea to do a TDI parody of RPG's, but here it is.

Just a brief warning: This fic is rated T due to language and eventual violence. And other stuff that may crop up depending on what I feel like doing.

And I believe that's all for now. On with the story.

BOOK THE FIRST: THE HEATHER MENACE

ACT I: PROLOGUE

Who Needs A Rabbit Hole?

"Wow, Bridge! This place is beautiful!"

Somewhere on Vancouver Island, two teens walked side by side through the pines, ignoring the chilling winter wind. One of them, a female clad in a heavy turquoise jacket, giggled at her comrade's enthusiasm. "Yeah, it is. This is the Forbidden Plateau."

"Cool name," Geoff replied as he stretched and leaned against a nearby tree. His unbuttoned pink shirt openly defying Old Man Winter, he smiled and removed his cowboy hat. "So, what's so forbidden about it?"

"Well, there's this legend among the native Comox people that one time, during an attack from another tribe, they brought their women and children up here for protection. When they came back for them, they had all disappeared. This place has been taboo for the Comox ever since."

"Spooky." Geoff scooted to one side to allow Bridgette sit next to him. As she cuddled up to him, he said, "So, what did your friends say?"

"About what?"

"That party I said I would throw!"

She cast her boyfriend an amused glance. "Oh yeah. They're cool with it."

"Awesome! We're going to rock Tofino like it's never been rocked before!"

She laughed with him, Geoff's infectious excitement spreading to her. "Sounds…did you hear something?"

Suddenly alert, she stood up, head whipping back and forth. It sounded like something had brushed by a bush. Seeing her alarmed look, Geoff asked, "Um…there isn't anything dangerous here, right?"

"Only the largest concentration of cougars in North America."

Geoff leapt off his rear and to Bridgette's side, joining her on a quick cougar search. He felt the girl shuddering, although he was oblivious to her thoughts. Every story that circulated around Tofino about attacks from the large cats swam through her mind, a maelstrom of fear created by just the shaking of leaves. It's okay, Bridge. Even if there's one nearby, it's not likely to attack. Just calm down. Sighing, she sat back down, still peering around. "Sorry about that. I guess there's nothing."

"Yeah." He plopped down next to her and announced, "And besides, I wouldn't let a big cat hurt you."

"You're so sweet, Geoff," Bridgette said for what felt like the hundredth time since his arrival two days ago, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Blushing slightly, Geoff grinned back her and rose, having spotted a pretty wildflower growing in spite of the harsh December conditions. As he bent down to pluck it, Bridgette heard some rustling close by. Leaping to her feet, she screamed, "Geoff, look out!"

The party animal barely had time to get his hands up before a tan-furred feline was on him. One claw ripped through his shirt and tore into his chest while the other was seized by his other hand. Roaring, the cougar used its weight and pushed him the ground, trying to get a shot at his neck. Every bit of advice Bridgette had ever heard for dealing with cougars ran through her brain, every single one of them useless to Geoff at the moment. Panicking and thrashing was not the way to ward off a mountain lion. Reaching down to pick up the first stone she could find, Bridgette threw her animal-loving creed to the wind and pelted the beast with the rock. The cougar roared its pain and turned to her in rage, only to receive another one to the face. Casting one last hungry glare at Geoff, still writhing on the ground, it turned and bounded away. Bridgette darted over to the wounded teen, fear and worry consuming her. "Oh my god, Geoff! Are you -"

"It's cool, I'm fine," Geoff replied, sitting up and placing a hand over the gash in his chest. He placed a finger over her mouth before she could protest his claim. "Seriously, it's not too deep."

"Geoff…" Bridgette began before suddenly leaning in to embrace him. "I'm so sorry. We never should have…"

"Nah, it's cool. I mean, as long as I have you to protect me, we'll be fine."

She pulled back and smirked. "That's not funny. Come on, you gotta get to a hospital."

"Can't we stay a little longer? I mean, I haven't even taken picture of this place yet…"

"...Fine. But only a few minutes."

"You're totally awesome, Bridge!" Geoff leapt up and pulled out a camera, which had somehow remained unscathed during the tussle with the cougar. Bridgette rolled her eyes and stood up next to him, examining the wound. It looked rather bad, but it didn't seem too deep, just as Geoff had said.

Some distance behind them, two man watched as Geoff took pictures of what he called the "beauteousness of nature". The shorter one whispered, "I think they'll do. Do your stuff, Phil."

Phil nodded and crept silently through the overgrowth. The two were too busy conversing to notice him. Once he was right behind them, he lifted both hands and hammered the backs of the teens' heads. Geoff and Bridgette collapsed to the forest floor, the camera shattering against a mossy boulder. Phil nodded over at his partner and dragged the two off to regions unknown.

"Guh…what happened…" Bridgette moaned, feeling cold stone pressed against her face. Shaking her head, she rose up to one knee. From somewhere in front of her, an indeterminable distance away, a cheery voice boomed, "Bridgette! Geoff! Welcome to Castle Wawanakwa! I am your liege, Chris Maclean the First!"

Oh, no…Bridgette's head snapped up. The demon from the past summer sat on a throne, dressed in a royal-looking suit with a golden crown perched upon his head. Next to her, Geoff leapt up and ran over to Chris. "Chris, dude! Awesome to see you again, man!"

"Thanks, man. Your girl doesn't seem so thrilled, though."

"Please tell me this isn't another season of Total Drama…" Bridgette was whimpering, refusing to look at Chris. The reality show host/apparent monarch laughed. "Calm down, Bridgette. This isn't another TDI. It's something much bigger than some stupid reality show."

"Really?" Geoff asked, visibly excited. Chris nodded. "Yep! The fate of this world is at stake! And you, Geoff…are the Chosen One! Congratulations, you get to save the world!"

"WOO-HOO!" Geoff began running around, waving his hat around as though it were a rag doll. "Didja hear that, Bridge? I'm the Chosen One! Wooooo-hoo!"

All Bridgette found herself capable of doing was slapping her palm onto her forehead. Geoff was the nicest, coolest person she had ever met, but sometimes he could just be a complete idiot. Such as now. "Um…Geoff? This may not be such a good thing…"

"I'm gonna be famous! Yeah!"

"…Ugh…forget it."

After several minutes of celebrating the revelation, Geoff came to a halt, panting. "So…what exactly…does the Chosen One…do?"

Ignoring Bridgette's second face palm, Chris said. "Save the world."

"From…what?"

"A person I like to call 'Queen Bitch'." Bridgette smirked a little at that. "So, we're fighting against Heather?"

"Now, I didn't say that. Now listen. The queen is plotting to take over the world."

"Um…" Bridgette began, noting that Geoff was still wearing a manic grin. "How is she gonna do that?"

"She is a powerful sage that vaporize you with her mind? Yeah, I think that could help a quest for world domination."

The teens laughed at this, although Bridgette's was more than just a little nervous. "Um…you're joking, right?" Chris shook his head, the grin of a sadist plastered on his face. "Sorry. No jokes to be had here in the hall of the reality king. Queenie's capable of destroying this entire castle in under three minutes if she wanted to."

That wiped the grin off of Geoff's face. "Um…so you're saying that I'm fighting a witch who could me with a thought?"

"That's right, Geoff."

"…How?"

"That's why you're here." Chris stood up and began pacing before the now terrified teens. "Now, listen. You are the Chosen One. That means that you - and everyone you travel with - cannot die. And you're the only one who can defeat the Queen. First, you must recover the legendary sword, Enceladus. It's being held in the Northern Fortress, about…eh, one hour north of here. You then must find you're way to the moon so you can empower Enceladus with ice powers. Or something like that. Then you will be able to defeat the Queen."

"Wait…so I'm invincible?" Geoff asked excitedly, prompting a short burst of laughter from the king. "Nope, sorry dude. You and Bridge can't be killed, but you can be defeated. If everyone in your party goes down, you will magically wind up back in the last castle you saved in."

"Saved…" Bridgette muttered. "Chris, you're making this sound like some kind of video game."

"I know. Funny, eh?"

No. "So what is the this 'saving'?"

Chris sighed and adopted a bored, 'I've said this too many times already' tone. "At each castle, you may talk with the ruler of the province. They will make a record of who's been defeated, how much money you have, what equipment you have, what you've killed, et cetera. If you get wiped out, not only do you return to the last place you saved at, you lose everything that you didn't have when you saved. So save. Often."

Bridgette and Geoff just stared. He couldn't possibly be serious. For them to be so obviously in a game…the surfer mumbled, "How does that even work…"

"Don't question it. Now your first task is to retrieve Enceladus from the Northern Fortress. So get going, and good luck with that."

"Good luck, Geoff," Bridgette muttered. "Defeat the queen quickly."

"Wait a minute, Bridgette," Chris interrupted. "At the moment, Geoff is only capable of swinging a sword. He'll need someone to heal his wounds. And trust me, there'll be plenty of those."

"I'm going with him?"

"Sweet, Bridge!" Geoff exclaimed, giving her a crushing hug. "We're gonna save the world together!"

"And you won't be just you two, either. If you got to the pub, you'll find that several people willing to join you. Select two of them. And," Chris added, tossing them a jingling pouch. Geoff was nearly knocked over by the weight of it's contents. "You need to go the blacksmith's shop. Buy armor for yourselves - Geoff's a Hero, Bridgette's a Cleric - and for whoever you bring with you. And don't come back until you have Enceladus. Now get outta here!"

Two guards emerged from thin air and dragged the two clear out of the castle, roughly throwing them onto the street. After recovering from the near-violent treatment, Geoff said, "So…where's that pub?"

A/N: Okay, here's how it's gonna work. This story will be split first into 'books' (read: major arcs) and 'acts' (sub-arcs). If you're wondering about the length of this fic, there will be three books. The first two will contain between 8 and 10 acts and each act will be anywhere from 1 to 4 chapters. The third book is only three acts long, but I believe the acts will be longer. Rather than updating chapter by chapter, I believe I will only update upon the completion of an arc. That way, I don't leave you guys dangling.

I don't really care that much about getting a lot of reviews. Rather, I'd love for them to be giving advice/constructive criticism. Especially in regards to whether or not I'm managing to keep the characters in character. I learn from you, I apply what I learned to my writing, my writing improves, the story improves, you guys win. Yay.