EstoniShaq 3
**I do not own Hetalia and am not endorsed by Hetalia, Hidekaz Himuraya, or any of the other associates of Funmation, Hetalia, or Hidekaz Himuraya. This is just a parody and I don't own jack squat**
***I do not own the "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" rights or anything like that, I didn't make it up I sort of crossed it with my invention of EstoniShaq (Estonia x Shaquille O'Neal) and yeah. I don't own Shaq, I don't own Shrek, I don't own shit. Got that right...(teardrop)***
This story, EstoniShaq 3, is dedicated to 3 people who inspired this wonderful story. First off Misa-chan (duh) cause you are my BCF and are of course enjoyin' all dat fwied wice in da basement. Secondly Kasey since you are one of EstoniShaq's biggest fans. Thirdly Leanora 'cause you got me into Hetalia and all...so yeah. All those adventures in the Simshizzle's class, eh? Prussia Fo Shizzle. All I have to say...
Estonia was still recovering over the shock of losing Shaq. Shaq was...his idol. The only thing worth living for besides young Latvia. And now his 'creepy black love doll' was gone. Gone forever.
Now that France had figured him out, Estonia's way of getting the Shaq dolls on discount was gone. He'd have to pay full price, and worse yet, he'd have to order it under his own name. He started crying as he lay broken on his bed. Broken. Broken.
Estonia was wondering who else he could order the Shaq doll under. He felt so lonely, so broken. Through his wall he could hear Lithuania on the phone with Poland, and through the other wall he could hear Latvia playing video games with Sealand. So lonely...so so lonely.
Then he realized. Poland. Who the hell ordered weirder stuff than that crossdresser? Estonia wondered why he didn't think of this before, it was so ingenius.
Estonia walked down the hall after he heard Latvia leave his room. Yes, his own personal time with the small Latvian child. Estonia kept walking around in the house and went to the kitchen to get some food before going to bother Latvia. He was...a bit worried about ordering the Shaq doll. He couldn't lie to himself. Even though his plan was pretty foolproof, there was the slight chance of discovery since Lithuania helped Poland a lot with his finances since he was a natural with the numbers.
Estonia opened his laptop and sat on the couch next to Latvia with a fresh dish of marinated cucumbers. Oh, those Shaquilicious cucumbers. They were so wonderful...but not as wonderful as the private time with Latvia.
Latvia was watching CSI: Helsiki and was just eyeing Estonia to see if he would tell him to change the channel. 'Please tell me no...' Latvia thought, 'I really don't feel like watching that demented Christian cucumber and the freaky little tomato...'
"Now, young Latvia, change the channel to Veggie Tales. You know you want to..." Estonia said mindlessly while getting on the internet in order to get his new Shaq doll. Of course since his internet was so slow it was bound to take a while, but hopefully it wouldn't be too long.
"No, Estonia, I am not watching Veggie Tales. Watch it on Lithuania's computer or something or watch it on one of yours." Latvia said, trying for once to stand up to Estonia.
"You don't want me to Estonify you, do you Latvia?" Estonia said while moving towards the young Latvian child.
"No. I'll go get Lithuania or call Russia if you touch me," Latvia said, stepping out of his normal character for a while and trying to stand up to the Estonian.
"What if I told you I don't care?" Estonia said, coming closer to Latvia. "I just want to be your big brother...emphasis on the big part..."
"Estonia, get off! You're such a perv all the time, nobody likes you! Just get over it! Can't you see the wrongness in being shipped with a fifteen year old boy?!" Latvia yelled, hitting Estonia in the groin. "I'm going to call Russia now!"
Estonia sat on the couch, grabbing his nutsack and crying out in pain. He ran to his room and locked the door and began crying once more. Shaq...he needed Shaq...if only Shaq really knew about Estonia's undying love for him. Estonia needed his Shaqy fairy god baller...
The air filled with the smell of sweat and basketballs. It...it was Shaq! Shaq was standing in Estonia's bedroom! It was the most Shaqical sight Estonia had ever seen. Estonia cried out and began praising Shaq.
"I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me," Shaq said, putting his hands on his hips and smiling down at Estonia, "I started out as a young Ninja and killed all of the Shoguns. I am a Shogun now and I'm holding my spot. There probably won't be another Shogun after this."
Estonia cried in glee as he heard Shaq, his idol, repeat his famed quotes in front of him. This was his dream. No...this was his destiny.
"Being here feels like I'm out of prison. This is the right place, the right time, the right team," Shaq said, "Everything happens for a reason. I'm used to it, I prepare for it. Like I say, at the end of the day, those in charge of their own destiny are going to do what's right for them and their family. Now, Edvard, all I want to do is complete my destiny. I want to become Estonian."
Estonia started crying harder. He didn't think Shaq knew what country he was, let alone cared enough to know his human name. And now...Shaq wanted to become Estonian. This was like Estonia's best dream ever. No, this was better than his best dream. This was...the most Shaquilicous dream in the world come true!
****75 Hours Later****
"Estonia, I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok." Shaq said after getting Estonia'd seven times in a row. Estonia was exhausted, as was Shaq. Shaq had Shaq'd Estonia, Estonia had Estonia'd Shaq. It was just...fantastic.
"ESTONIA!" Estonia heard a distant voice, "ESTONIA!"
"What?" Estonia said, trying to find out what the hell was going on. "Whyyyyyy?"
"Estonia, you've been sleeping for four days almost! You haven't come out of your room in four days!" Latvia said, trembling at the fact that he was in Estonia's room and was alone. Lithuania would be off the phone with Poland any minute now and Russia would be over then, along with Poland since he had experienced some "mysterious" credit card fraud for a Shaquille O'Neal blow up doll. Nobody really had to think hard for that one.
Estonia jumped up and was surprised to see that his Shaq doll was next to him. He tried to hurry and deflate it so that Russia or one of the others wouldn't break it like they had broken his last ones, but to no avail. Russia burst in the room and Poland was right by his side.
"You frickin' scat what do you think you're doing stealing out of my bank account? I can't afford shit like this and this is pointless. I'll destroy that thing with my bare hands I'm so pissed off you stupid dicknugget!" Poland was pissed off and Lithuania was holding his arm to keep him from strangling Estonia. "You know how fucking embarrassed I was when that arrived at my door? I had to sign for a fucking Shanelle or Shajelle or whatever his name is blow up doll! I was mortified you stupid son of a shithead!"
Estonia lay on his bed, flat against the wall and frightened. All he wanted was for all of them to leave and for Shaq to come back. Was that a dream, or was that real? Estonia was still too sleepy to figure out the truth right now.
"Now, Estonia, I thought we agreed that this wouldn't happen again, no?" Russia said with an innocent smirk on his face. "Now you'll really have to pay the price..."
Poland kicked Lithuania in the stomach and broke free, jumping on the Shaq doll and punching it as hard as he could. He started jumping on it and finally, with a loud KABOOM, it finally was no more. It had popped. Estonia began to feel tears pool up in his eyes at the sight of a fabulous new Shaq doll destroyed. It was...heartbreaking.
"Frickin' skank Estonia...nobody likes you! Get a life man! Seriously Shaq doesn't frickin' care about you!" Poland said as he exited the room in a rage. "Liet, I'm leaving. You can go with too but I don't really care right now, I just need to get away from him."
Estonia was molested by Russia for 6 hours until Russia finally thought Estonia had "paid the price". Estonia knew he would rise again...he just would.
Estonia pulled out young Latvia's yearbook from under his pillow and began 'enjoyin' his body' and reading it. The pictures of young Latvia were just...Shaquilicious. Estonia was totally Shaquin the look and was rockin' and Shaquin all the way.
As he was reading the yearbook, he realized all hope was not lost. No, it was too far from being lost. As long as Shaq loved him, hope was abundant.
Be on the lookout for EstoniShaq 4. I'm trying to write these as often as I can but you know dumbass Longleaf and stuff is just...interesting. So yeah review this story and make sure to remember that Shaq is love, Shaq is life. And always make sure to Shrek yourself BEFORE you wreck yourself, not the other way around.