Leaving

Brandon visits Dawn's grave. (One-sided Brandon/Dawn)

I expected meeting you on different circumstances.

I wanted us to see each other face to face, nose to nose, lips to lips. I wanted to actually see whether time had been good or bad to your looks. It'd be like a coffee date: you'd sit there, pretty and smiling, drinking coffee and talking about your kick ass career while I try to make you laugh by shoving coffee stirs in my nose. I'd marvel at how beautiful those eyes were, those lips I've kissed all those years ago, and those hands that were made for holding.

I wanted us to have long conversations on the phone, evenings in my apartment looking up at the ceiling talking about life. I wanted us to spend hot summer days fucking like rabbits in the back of my car because fuck, when you bite those lips one more time I get wild.

I wanted us to be together, through thick and thin, walking down the aisle. No more Dawn Wiener; you'd be Mrs. Brandon McCarthy.

I certainly wanted us to talk, without six feet of dirt and a slab of marble separating us.

I learned you took your own life weeks after I came back to New Jersey; your brother pulled me aside to tell me when I came looking for you.

You had killed yourself and left behind a kid.

What a terrible way to go.

I don't care that those people made you do that. I don't care that people still talked shit about you even after you're in the ground.

I do care that you're gone.

I do care that you're gone without telling me goodbye or even waiting for me to come back.

I was hurt when I learned what happened; I didn't know how to handle myself, Dawn.

I cried; I never cried so hard in my life, Dawn. If you'd seen me you'd laugh at how much of a baby I looked. I was covered in snot and slobber, with my face red as a fucking cherry. The whole nine yards, Dawn; you'd be laughing your ass off that Big, Bad, Brandon is crying over you.

Maybe you wouldn't laugh; you'd probably grab me and hold me in your arms with your eyes twinkling with pity.

You had a flair for that kind of thing; sensing other's pain and comforting them.

Takes one to know one, right?

I don't even know why I'm talking; you're six feet under and I doubt you can hear me. You're probably up in Heaven right now, being spoiled and pampered by little angels because goddamn, you've earned it.

Hell would be too much of a cakewalk for you.

I'm sorry for all the times I've failed you; your death is my fault.

If I could, I'd be taking your place while you're out there living life. Lord knows I've been too much of a shit-for-brains to live it properly.

If I could, I'd have taken you with me to New York, with or without your consent. Even though we would have been piss poor, cold, and hungry, we would have had each other.

If I could, I'd have kissed you more, loved you more, and told you more often that you're prettier than any girl in that school.

If I could, I'd be telling you this to your face, not to a cold stone.

I fucking hate this.

I'm angry with you, Dawn; why the fuck would you die like this with a kid left behind?

Why would you take the easy way out, like a fucking pussy?

Why would you decide now was the time to be a coward and bite the bullet?

Life is hard, but that shouldn't be an excuse to leave it, asshole.

I wish I could hit you right now; damn the 'don't hit girls' rule.

I wish I could cuss you out for being so stupid and selfish.

But I don't.

Instead, I'm sitting here, staring at your tombstone, trying to will the tears away.

None of my talking will bring you back, Dawn.

You will never come back, bright, happy, and smiling, waiting for me as you sit on the porch of my house, like we used to do when we were kids.

You will never watch your kid grow up, never enjoy birthdays until your natural death clock kicks in and you die happy and warm at the age of 85.

You will never experience your happy ending while I scramble to grab my own.

You will never understand how painful this is for me.

I didn't just lose someone.

I lost a friend, Dawn.

I lost a girl who took a piece of my heart and took it to the grave.

I lost my other half.

I'll never be complete without you, Dawn.

I'll never be the same without you.

I'll never be truly happy without you.

I have to go now; my vision's too blurry and my voice is scraped raw from crying all those nights before. I got you some flowers; I remembered how much you love daisies. I'm going to see you tomorrow.

Goodbye, Dawn.

I love you.

I love you all the way to the day I'll be joining you on the other side.

I hope you'll wait for me.