Disclaimer: This isn't Twilight-friendly. Yeah.

A/N: YOOOOO. This isn't my account, cos I don't have one. Soo, I'm using my friend's. Say hi! There probably isn't going to bee another chapter, since I'm lazy like that. This is just spur-of-the-moment stuff. Yeah. :D

Act 1, Scene 1 – The Terrible Cliff

Bella, Edward and Esme are in a car.

Esme: Worriedly. Be careful, okay?

Bella: Yes, mum! Grins.

Edward: Don't get out of the car without me. There could be werewolves.

Bella: There aren't any –

Edward: Don't turn on the radio. There could be swearing.

Bella: Swearing isn't –

Edward: Don't drink water not in a bottle. It could be poison.

Bella: Who would want to poison me?!

Edward: Don't go near Jacob. It makes me jealous.

Bella: I DON'T EFFING CARE!

Wait, what? Sorry, cancel that last line. It never happened.

Bella: Yes, Edward, I'll listen to you because you're perfect and I need that to –

Edward: Don't breathe too much. There's carbon monoxide.

Bella: Lovingly. I love it when you worry about me.

Audience: Awww.

Edward: Oh, Bella!

Bella: Oh, Edward!

They kiss. And get out of the car. That, too.

Edward: Don't trip. You could get hurt.

Bella: I know, but –

Edward: Don't think. You could get a headache.

Bella: I know, but – AHHH!

Bella falls off a random cliff.

Edward: Don't talk, you could get a sore throat.

Silence.

Edward: OH, YOU TERRIBLE CLIFF! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY BELLA! HOW DARE YOU?!

Esme: Sobbing. Oh, Bella. Poor, poor, Bella. I do hope you (don't) suffer.

Edward: Pounds ground with fists. You terrible cliff! You TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CLIFF! NOOO!

Esme: Oh, the poor clothes she was wearing.

Edward: Shouting off the edge of the cliff. Bella, if you can hear me, don't walk off cliffs! It's terrible.

Bella: I'm right here.

Edward: Hugs her. Oh, Bella!

Bella: Oh, Edward!

They kiss. Credits roll.

Or not.

Seriously – this happened. I don't know if you remember it in any of the books (you probably don't – it's the 'raw' Twilight. By my reckoning.) but here, my friends, is the real deal. The spectacular! The great! The awesome! The real deal! The One! The way they put anchovies in pepperoni pizza! Oh, here they are again, folks!

Audience: Clapping.

Bella: I'm sorry to worry you, Edward.

Edward: Oh, Bella. It wasn't your fault that you're clumsy (or stupid, or idiotic, or moronic, or a downright annoying wench), and that that's the 'fault' to make you un-perfect. Oh, Bella, it wasn't your fault. It was the cliff's fault.

Bella: Tearing. I love you, Edward!

Audience: Aww.

Edward: No, I love you, more!

Bella: No, I love you!

Edward: Bella, don't be stupid! I love you!

Bella: No! You're the stupid one! (But I still love you, since you're perfect and all. Yeah.)

Bella stomps off. Esme looks on in shock. Edward goes into shock.

Edward: What – what have I done? I have angered Bella, oh no!

Esme: Stop shaking.

Edward: What? Oh, poor Bella!

Bella is walking home. Thinking. As hard as she can. Really. She was thinking! I swear! Fine, don't believe me. But I really think she was thinking.

Bella: What have I done? Oh, Bella!

Yes, she did say that.

Bella: Now, Edward is angry. I'll – I'll be dumped!

Audience: Gasps.

Bella: No, no that cannot happen. I'm too smitten by his perfectness. Yes, that cannot happen. I shall seduce him!

Blanks out with Bella in the Superman pose.

Act 1, Scene 2 – The Terrible Seduction

Esme: I wonder where Bella is?

Narrator: Where is Bella?

Kids: There she is!

Narrator: Yes kids, there she is!

Bella appears, distraught.

Bella: I shall now attempt to seduce Edward.

Audience: Gasps. No way.

Bella: Yes, way.

Attempt 1.

Bella: Batting eyelashes. He-ey, Eddd-waaaarrdd.

Edward: Where's the milk?

FAIL.

Attempt 2.

Bella: I think I'll go into my room. Which has CANDLES, and LAVENDER, and ROMANTIC MUSIC.

Edward: Seriously – where did that milk go?

FAIL.

Attempt 3.

Bella: EDWARD! JUST (beep)ING BE (beep)ING SEDUCED, ALREADY!

Edward:How 'bout orange juice?

Bella: Rips off her clothes.

Not-so-smooth-move there, Bella. Oh wait – hadn't she already tried this? In the book? Jeez, now they're giving us re-runs.

Bella: Screams in frustration.

Edward: No? Apple juice?

Bella: JUST (beep)ING (beep) ME!

Edward: Oh! Banana flavoured milk! Yum.

Ouch. My ears. Audience, shield your children!

Audience: Shields children.

Okay. Not literally. But okay.

So, you know, the other day, I heard about this new thing everyone's been doing. Everyone cool, at least. It's called reviewing.