Title: There is a Price
Author: Bekah26
Rating: PG
Pairing: none
Disclaimer: CSI and all involved are not mine, and never will be. They live in the house of CBS.
Content Warning: part of my growing Sons of Man, Daughters of Heaven fantasy AU universe. Just an emotional one-shot.
Summary: Nick knows that even though one day he'll have to pay for it, in some ways, he already is.
He couldn't tell them the truth.
He couldn't do that to them.
Family had always been very important to him. It was one of the first things he looked for in a placement. Whether they were blood relatives, or became family by extension, those he choose were always loved and cherished before they left him. Or before he had to leave. He usually left it to fate, let the natural circle carry him through until he found another home, another place to be.
Another life.
But this time it was different. This time he hadn't wanted to leave, hadn't wanted to give up being Nick Stokes, hadn't wanted to give up his world. At times he wondered why, when the life he lived now seemed to be filled with misfortune that many of his others hadn't; he hadn't experienced such emotional trauma since the beginning, the war, since he had lost touch with all kin and home. He had lived many lives, male and female, human shape and other, but never had he felt the need to keep what he had. Until now.
Being Nick made him strong in ways he couldn't experience before; in this form he had lived through the worst of what humans could do to each other, and had discovered his purpose. Through his pain he wanted to help others through theirs. When there was no justice he wanted to be the one to give it; but not in the way of his kin. He was not vengeance. He would give closure with compassion, not killing. He wanted to find and show the truth to them, when nothing in their worlds would make sense. For the first time he wanted to be more than an outsider.
So, for the first time, he fought.
He stayed despite his own misgivings; his lack of knowledge on the job, worrying that he was doing more harm then good.
He stayed when every word from the one whose opinion mattered more to him then the world hurt, cut him down, and made him wither. Those times it was only the look of respect in Warrick's and Catherine's and Brass's eyes that made him stay; it was at those times that only Greg could make him feel and Hodges make him laugh.
He stayed when a gun was shoved in his face, and the emotion in the woman who held it being enough to make him weep; and he wept for her and what she had lost through her actions, knowing that his death at her hands would just be one more weight on her soul.
He stayed when his own nature drew the danger to him, when a damaged soul saw that sparkle of something in him that had always been coveted; the same spark that had drawn the babysitter so many years previous.
It had almost become a joke. Nick Stokes, trouble magnet, with the true turning point being That Night, the one that ended with him in the hospital after long hours in a plexiglas coffin.
Which was why he could never tell them that they were driving him away.
They cared, loved him, of that he was certain. But they watched him, studied him, hovered guilt-filled, and their suppressed pain was driving him mad. He tried to tell them without telling them; he would be fine. It wasn't a line. It wasn't a lie. He just needed them to give him time enough to reconcile the event into himself, to take it and let it disperse in the way of their race.
But they wouldn't let him breathe and he didn't want to suffocate with them.
He wanted to let go of the lies but that would so even more damage.
He wanted to tell Catherine that she was the warmest and most caring woman, and that he loved her, that she was his light in a dark Vegas.
He wanted to tell Sara that she could shine so brightly if she just let go of her past, of her pain, and rejected love.
He wanted to give Grissom the same advice, and thank him for being a father closer to his hear then any other.
He wanted to hold Greg close and keep his innocence intact, keep his humanity clean and pure.
He wanted to give Hodges back his.
He wanted to tell Warrick everything.
Which was when he stalled, the truth forever just out of reach of his lips.
For if he was to tell them everything then he would have to admit was he was, and what he had let happen, which was something he could never do. Because it didn't just happen to him, it happened to them as well.
And how could he tell them that he let it happen.
How could he tell them that it was for the best.
How could he say, that as soon as Catherine had come with the assignment he had known that Warrick would take it, and that after hours of mental and emotional torture, Warrick would die; that he had broken the most fundamental rule of his kind.
How could he tell the brother of his heart that he took that choice from him, which led them to this place, where they were crushing him as sure as the coffin.
How could he tell them that eventually he would have to pay for it?
And how could he tell them that in some ways, he already was.
Not what I set out to do, but, I'm not that disappointed.
Series so far (though not in that order):
The Right thing (CSI NY)
The Value of Truth (NCIS)
Sons of Man, Daughters of Heaven (CSI Miami)