Capri
A little fic that occurred to me whilst watching the new series of Castle in general. Couldn't help but notice that Beckett's shirts seem looser and there seems to be a little tummy under there. Pure speculation, but it inspired me to write this.
In terms of forever, it's not been long, but when you've walked a few miles in my shoes, you'll know what I mean. I honestly feel like I have been stuck in this chaotic predicament for years, and it's been mere months! I honestly do not know how I am going to live through this.
I'm meant to be a strong, driven woman, with that icy cool exterior that makes you wince if you get too close to, and that domineering attitude that demonstrates to all that when it comes to my work, I wear the pants.
But if you spent a mere few hours in my world, you will see the burden on my shoulders, see what I carry on my back everyday. Behind my cool, calm and collected level headed expression, there's Katie. Not Kate, but Katie. That shy little girl who sat on her own in class, too scared to make friends in grade school. The girl that, in high school, made friends like any other person, but still had that element of detached emotion, or no emotion at all.
I thought that when my mother died, I'd changed. I had no idea whether it was for the better or the worse; I just knew that I wasn't the same, that things were never going to be the same again. I'm in a similar situation now; I doubt that things will ever be the same again.
That's why I've kept it hidden.
5 months and no one has suspected a thing. Well, at least they don't have the guts to tell me to my face if they have their little suspicions. I think that's the way I'll keep it for now. My little secret.
I almost didn't believe it myself when I found out. The time for my medical came up, and I went as usual. Get some bloods taken, pee in a cup, have an examination, like I did everytime I was due a medical.
You can imagine my shock when they told me. I couldn't believe it. I, Kate Beckett, couldn't have been pregnant. It just couldn't happen. I wasn't the maternal type, not at all. I have no emotion, at least no motherly emotion within me. They say that its an automatic response to love your unborn child, but I don't feel anything, yet. They tell me it will all come in good time, but I'm doubtful.
I keep thinking things over and over in my head, wondering if I resent my baby. My own baby, for crying out loud! A little foetus that has half my DNA making up theirs. But half Demming's. Will I tell him? Probably not, he's moved on with his life now, and we have ours. Oh God, we. It feels so weird to say that. We. Me and my baby. My baby and I.
Maybe I do have some emotion towards this baby. I can't imagine not being pregnant, and not psyching myself up to the big event. 20 weeks to go, and I'll be a Mommy. Another thing that's so weird to say. Mom. Mommy. Perhaps I am more excited than I thought.
The radio's playing, and a song I've heard so many times go on, and I sit there and listen, because I never realised how much the lyrics affected me and how relevant they are to my life now.
She's got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She's sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing
And oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
That she'll grow to be
So beautifully
Just like her mother
That's carrying
Oh Capri
She's beauty
Baby inside she's loving
Oh Capri
She's beauty
There is and angel growin' peacefully
Oh Capri
Sweet baby
And things will be hard at times
But I've learned to try
Just listening
Patiently, oh Capri
Sweet baby
Oh Capri
She's beauty
Baby inside she's loving
Oh Capri
Your beauty
Just like your mother
That's carrying...Oh Capri
Absent mindedly, I find myself with my hand on my belly, slightly raised and only protruding a tad. The subtlest 20 week baby bump going, but I know it's there. My little girl. I've only known for 2 days that she's a girl, but a name has already sprung to mind. Erica Joanne. I always wanted to give a little girl I had the middle name of Joanne, after my Mom, and Erica, it just sounds right in my mind.
Sounds a bit like Richard actually. Oh God, could my subconscious have done that on purpose? I can't have fallen in love with a name that resembles Castle's first name so much. Erica. Richard. Rick. Erica. Oh my...
Is it wishful thinking, is that it? Am I yearning for Castle to be Erica's father? I need to sit myself down and have a long think about this, because my hormones and my heart are so confused. I don't know what I feel.
I can't have gone through those months without Castle, only to have him back working for us and getting back into our usual flirty routine for us to be driven apart by something like this. I have to keep it hidden until the last moment, and pray that whatever you call us; friendship, relationship, not quite an item, will survive. Because there is still this constant presence between us, the presence that we know is there but we somehow never get around to saying...
'Beckett...' said Esposito softly. 'You okay?'
'Sure,' I reply, trying to avoid his trustful gaze. 'I was miles away.'
'I could tell,' he said. 'Thinking about things?'
'Yeah,' I reply, focussing on the coffee rings that stained my desk, remembering with fondness all of those times Castle and I had shared coffee there. And I grimaced slightly. Coffee made me feel ill. Herbal tea was the way to go.
'C'mon Kate,' said Esposito, standing me up and handing me my coat. 'Go home. You need some down time.'
'Thanks,' I say, deep in thought. I leave the room without another word. Still thinking.
Castle. Beckett. Capri. Radio. Erica. Joanne. Baby. Girl. Esposito. Coffee. Rings. Desk. Coat. Leave.
Everything is in my mind in single words.