Author's Note: THERE'S BARELY ANY FEMSLASH!SPIDEYPOOL AND THIS IS NOT OKAY. I had to fix this, man. It was, like, a calling. So I drabble'd all over the page, and now we have this. It's sweet, sweet fluff, and it will rot your teeth, so prepare yourself.
I don't even know. I wrote this to stave off writer's block, since I'm currently slaving away at a fic that's rapidly devolving into something way longer than it should be. It was also four o'clock in the morning at the time, so don't judge me.
Enjoy!
Wanda just about shoves the picture into Penny's hand. The sheer force scrunches it like tissue paper and leaves Penny trying awkwardly to straighten out its deep-set wrinkles. It's old and faded and looks like it was taken on the cheapest Polaroid around, but Penny can unmistakably make out Wanda, even through the years' wear and tear.
She's young, about nineteen or so, from what Penny can guess. Her hair is wild in an artful sort of way. She's wearing bright red lipstick and smokey eyeshadow and she's grinning sly as a fox. One manicured hand is thrown up in a peace sign, the other in the two-fingered salute. Her eyes are bright and excited.
"That's me when I was a total babe," Wanda says. "Man, I miss those days. Can't put makeup on a face like this anymore."
"You look young," Penny gets out. She feels stupid, but what else can she say? She'd hate to hurt Wanda. Wanda's not even unattractive, not to Penny, but she doesn't like to believe compliments. Trust issues, Penny guesses.
"Dude, yeah, I was a tiny, precious jellybean." Wanda's grin shows through the mask. "Now I'm kinda like..." She stops a moment to listen to the voices in her head. Penny's come to recognise the small hesitation, the tense line of her shoulders every time she pays them attention. "Yeah, like a rotten peach! Exactly! Damn, that was a good one."
"You're not rotten," Penny says. God, she sounds like a broken record. Or just plain dumb.
"But I am a peach?" Wanda laughs. "Don't worry, baby girl, you can't hurt my feelings! Brain's got a healing factor, remember?"
Penny says, a little unsteady, "I don't think that applies to emotions."
"Ah, fuck it, sticks and stones." Wanda waves a hand. "Anyway, keep the pic. Put it in your wallet like I'm your girlfriend. Just don't chuck it, 'cause it's, like, my first selfie, and I'm kinda proud of it, man. Shit, it's probably the first selfie, right? I could make the big bucks off that, but I'm givin' it to you, 'cause you're nice and you have a cute ass. Be proud, Lucky Penny."
Penny stares down at the photo like it's precious. "You sure you don't want it, DP?"
"Man, no," Wanda dismisses. "I'm kinda liking you creeping on it like that. Makes me feel all tingly inside."
Penny blinks. "I'm not creeping on it!"
Wanda blows her a kiss. "It's okay, you don't have to lie to me, Pen. You can call me doll, ain't nobody around to hear."
"Okay, doll," Penny deadpans. "Well, I'm putting it in my wallet, but don't come crying to me when people start asking questions."
"And by people you mean Captain Spangles and Iron Ass, right? Bring it, bring it, I can take 'em. Easy peasy."
"They're gonna pull the shotgun act, Wanda. Just 'cause your head can survive being blown to pieces doesn't mean it should."
"'Cause I'm a bad girl and you're not?" Wanda shakes her head at this, ponytail whipping back and forth like a ribbon. "Man, they got the wrong idea about you, don't they, Spidey?"
"I spent my whole first meeting with the Avengers making smartass remarks. I might be wrong, but I don't think I made a good first impression. Not on Cap, anyway."
"He's all business before pleasure, isn't he? Fuck that, dude. Porque no las dos?"
"Well, that's what I thought, 'till he started staring me down. I think he and Tony have made it their mission to take me under their wing only so I don't get killed by all the supervillains I've managed to piss off."
Wanda hums. "What's it like? Having two hot dads?"
"First, ew, no. Second, he called me son the other day. I'm not even a guy. It's weird."
"I want him to call me son," Wanda says, her voice gone dreamy. She sighs.
"I am actually disturbed," Penny tells her, even though she's probably too busy fantasising about Cap's spangled ass to care.
"You really gonna keep the picture in your wallet?" Wanda asks, suddenly serious. Her voice has gone slightly deeper than her usual high, airy pitch. She does that whenever she's really not joking, which is rare. Rare enough for Penny to notice it every time.
"Yeah, do you not want me to? Tell me you don't want me to put it in a locket instead. Next you'll be giving me a lock of your hair."
"My hair is fuckin' fabulous," Wanda says. "I was just asking. Thought you might not want people gettin' the wrong idea."
"What? Spider-Woman dating Deadpool? I don't care. Might give me a little edge, you know. I could go from wiseass to dangerous rogue, finally."
"Sounds badass. I am so into that."
Penny stretches, lays her feet over Wanda's lap, spandex on spandex. "Don't you want to give me an updated picture instead?"
"Are you kidding me?" Wanda laughs, long and loud. Once Wanda's run out of breath to laugh with, Penny's feet get caught in the crossfire as they're slapped repeatedly. She shucks Wanda's wandering hands off before they can slide up her thigh, and Wanda raises the mask up to catch her breath without wheezing, smudging her lipstick slightly, like she's spent the night drunk. Drunk or kissed. When she can finally speak, she says, "You wanna scare the cashiers away every time you try to buy something, Penny? 'Cause, man, I know at least eight better ways to save money. Maybe twelve if we're talking really drastic measures."
"I know this is pretty hard to believe, but I'm being serious. I'm really not joking, Wanda."
"You've gotta be blind. I don't remember shit about high school biology, but I'm almost seventy percent positive spiders don't know echolocation. But you've still gotta be blind. Hey, there's an idea. Maybe you should rename yourself Batwoman. This universe doesn't have one, y'know, so you don't need'a duel for the title or whatever."
"I'm not into the whole cape thing," Penny says. "Bats aren't even blind."
"Oh, look at you, miss science geek. You're lucky you can rock the whole glasses thing. Dude's dig the whole 'sexy librarian' getup. Chicks, too."
"Wanda, please."
"Listen, I'm not really inclined to believe you, Spidey." Wanda shrugs. "I look like shit. Why do you think I wear a mask all the time? It's not for show. Or for protection, 'cause, like, I'm pretty sure you could rip my face off and I'd still be fine. Might even grow back prettier, you never know."
"I already think you're pretty," Penny says. She's never been good at flirting. She's really kinda fucking awful at it, but Wanda has no second-hand embarrassment - or shame - so Penny's pretty sure she's safe. Not like Wanda can do better anyway.
"Penny, I don't wanna shit on your holiday spirit, it's real sweet, but it's not opposite day, pumpkin."
"I mean it," Penny says. "I'm not fucking with you this time."
Wanda looks at her, considering. Behind the empty white of the mask's eyes, Penny can figure Wanda's own are narrowed.
"DP, I laugh with you, not at you. We totally went over this. Only two superheroes in town with a sense of humour, right? But it's never you I'm laughing at."
"Wow, this is the most serious I've ever seen you, Penny. I feel like I'm witnessing some kind of miracle here, like seeing a unicorn or a double rainbow or whatever. Straight out of J.K. Rowling's wildest dreams."
"I know you don't like serious," Penny says softly. "I just wanted to tell you."
"You really mean it?"
"Yeah, no shit," Penny says. "I'm an asshole, but I wouldn't lie about that or anything."
Wanda stares at her quietly, like Penny's not the awkward geek in tight spandex anymore, but an actual, genuine hero. She feels herself flush, embarrassed and proud. Wanda squeezes her foot fondly, smiles, and says nothing. It's probably the quietest Penny's ever seen her.
"Y'know, I think I might just be in love, Webhead," she says, after a while of comfortable silence. She ruffles Penny's hair. "Now let's go make pancakes and bond. We're having a moment here, baby girl, and we gotta make the most of it."
Penny laughs, glasses askew and hair fluffed like a duck. "I love you, too, you dork."
FIN.