'You haven't lost me. I never had you.'

"If there were ever 8 words that could rip me in two, it would be those."

"As soon as you said those words I knew; I knew that was it. I knew I'd pushed you too far. Knew there was no way you'd ever take me back, and if I'm being honest with myself; I don't blame you in the slightest."

"You put up with so much from me and God knows how. I hate myself for some of the things I've said - and done - to you, but you...you didn't have a bad bone in your entire body."

I feel tears forming and its taking all of my strength not to cry. I blink back the tears and take in a deep breath;

"You...you helped me, more than you'll ever know and more than I ever thanked you for. If it wasn't for you, I...well, I don't know where I'd be, but I know I wouldn't be half the person I am now. I just wish..."

I can feel myself cracking now, but I have to continue. I owe this to him.

"I just wish you could see me now. I'm not that scared little boy anymore. I'm finally me and that's all down to you. I owe you everything and not a day goes by that I don't regret not telling you that, not thanking you for everything; but the thing I regret the most...not telling you I loved you, because I did. My God did I love you."

I've mentally kicked myself so many times for not telling him that, but I was too much of a coward.

The last day we spent together would have been perfect; but I ruined it and still, a year later, I blame myself. If I hadn't followed Mickey, if I'd just left it like he'd asked, he'd still be here now, but as usual I couldn't let it drop. I had to finish it, and what was I left with? The image that filled my dreams - no, nightmares - for months; Jackson's lifeless body slumped in the wreck that was his van.

That image constantly entered my mind and no matter how many times I'd heard the words "it was a tragic accident", I knew it wasn't. I knew I was to blame; me and me alone.

I shake myself then; this isn't the place to be replaying it over in my head. This is HIS time now. I'm here for him and nothing and no-one else.

"Well, um, nothing else I've got to say, well...there is more, but you know me...not the best with words eh." I say and briefly smile as I stand up to leave.

"See you next week." I say as I carefully put the flowers down with one hand, the other running along the top of the stone - as I do every week. It helps me cope; helps me feel that little bit closer to him.

I slowly walk to the main gate, looking back as I get there and the tears that had been pricking at my eyes gently fall. I wipe them away and feel a hand gripping my shoulder;

"You've gotta move on Aaron." Hazel tells me with a sad smile. That twinkle in her eye that always used to be there is still missing. It takes me a few minutes to reply;

"I know." I say with a nod, my eyes fixed on his stone.

"You'll be ok Aaron" she tells me and for the first time in a long time, I know she's right.