DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach in any way, shape, or form.
WARNING: Boyxboy love, though one-sided, and angsting. Kind of AU-ish, I guess, if you haven't read past the Soul Society arc.
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Every time he watches Ichigo out of the corner of his eye, he can see that he isn't sad around certain people like Rukia or Orihime or any other girl or guy that makes him look less aggravated.
When he can look at Ichigo straight in the eye (with Ichigo looking straight back), he always sees a little bit of something else that he can't quite pin down and examine fully, like he might have done if he had the chance too.
He feels a painful twinge inside him every single time though, because he knows that it isn't something as nice as the looks he gives Rukia. (Never mind that he will never see that look from Ichigo)
In the privacy of space where there is no one but them, Ichigo looks frustrated as he tells him something random, like how he is such a dork. Every once in a while, he says something about someone else, like how sandal-hat wears that hat and why he loves green so damned much.
He is supposed to answer with a comeback or an agreement or a disagreement. He usually says something close to the latter, and that satisfies Ichigo enough that the tense atmosphere relaxes for a second and they can look at each other with out and kind of embarrassment.
It returns very quickly though, and the privacy with one another might be quickly interrupted there-after. They are both usually very thankful for that, even though it's a hit to their own egos to realize they're acting like damned women.
The conversation, if there ever was one, always ended like this:
"You know I love Rukia, right? And that Orihime likes you?"
"I know."
"Why don't you go out with her, Ishida? She really likes you."
"I'd rather like someone if I am to date them."
"Whatever."
And there is never, never a goodbye.
Not that he minds. He can't bring himself to say such final words, anyway.
-O-O-
He can't help but thinking that he brought all of this onto himself on that day near the river across from where Ichigo's mother died. How he supposedly brought it upon himself and told Ichigo to shut up and stop blabbering about Rukia and how women were so damn confusing.
There was silence, and he can remember what they said, again:
"If you're going to talk about women and love and whatnot, just shut up and go away."
"Ah? You got a problem?"
"My problem is you and how you blabber about her all the time."
"Shut up, Ishida! At least I got someone, unlike a dork like you."
"I don't want one."
His heart clenches painfully every time he remembers what he's going to say after this (like Ichigo's fist is over it, squeezing instead of hitting), but he can't bring himself to stop then and there because he's still fascinated by it, somehow:
"Eh? You don't want one? Why the hell not? Orihime likes you, y-"
"That's none of your business, idiot."
"Eh! Shut up, you asshole. I bet you already like someone too!"
"I do."
"What! Who the hell would be crazy enough to like you back?"
"I was hoping you would."
He can stop the events at that moment, because he doesn't like remembering the stare that Ichigo gave him and the very first time he saw that wisp of emotion he can't pin down to this very day.
The breathe that escapes his lung is hardly there every time he imagines it, and he sometimes wishes that he never knew that guy.
-O-O-
When Hollows die, they make a horrible scream and it's like they erode from the inside out, but, really, they're just being destroyed.
He'd love to say it's nothing personal, but it's everything personal.
He'd like to say that to Ichigo too, especially at that one time in the classroom with their privacy and he had the urge to kiss him. And he always, almost always, fulfilled his urges.
He doesn't anymore, because most of the urges are stupid; kiss him, don't destroy Hollows anymore, run away and don't come back.
But the time in the classroom was the only time he didn't have a second pair of something (like a plan), or wasn't ready for anything (like a reaction). He just stood there, watched Ichigo's brow furrow even more and his mouth twist, and the only thing he wants to remember after that is going to buy some more threads and some cream for a nasty black eye, then changing his mind.
He couldn't look at Ichigo for weeks after that; partly because he always saw such strong emotions in Ichigo's eyes that was directed at him and only him,. Partly because he doesn't want to look at Ichigo to show him that he hadn't been really taking care of his eye properly, and that he wanted it to be there.
This time, he remembers what Orihime said to him when he first appeared with it, and what Ichigo said after that, and how it felt like Ichigo had hit him:
"Ishida-kun! Oh, are you alright? I should take care of that!"
"Ah… It's alright, Inoue-chan. It's fine."
"But!"
"Just leave him alone, Inoue-chan. He's being a jackass."
She had looked at him scandalized, and had told him that that wasn't a very nice thing to say, that he should apologize for hurting Ishida-kun's feelings.
He wished he could've shown Ichigo his exact feelings at that moment, but there were too many people in the classroom.
-O-O-
When he shoots an arrow at a Hollow, his intent to kill is not showing and not totally revengeful, but it's there none the less.
Every time he kills one, he feels satisfaction and the intent rises somewhat, but the others are always dead before he can really get angry and pissed and kind of like Ichigo, who he does not like thinking about in the midst of battle.
It gets harder when he feels the firm bone and muscle pressing into his back, Ichigo's hair sometimes even meeting with his own while he turns his head slightly and yells something straight into his ear.
He doesn't mind quite as much as one should but simply nod and kills the one he's supposed to or the ones Ichigo's supposed to and get yelled at later on. But he doesn't care anymore.
After the battle, where there is usually no blood but sometimes is (due to Ichigo hitting him for taking one of his Hollows or whatever they were attacking and causing him a bloody nose), there is silence except for ragged breathing. If they are alone in their fighting with no one else fighting, it is slightly awkward, because they lean on each other for some reason he won't hope for.
They'll quickly let go after that, and the silence they endured before is broken a few seconds after that.
"Why were there so many Hollows?"
"Don't ask me."
"… Ishida?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
And then the silence returns when they walk away from the war scene and the emotional scene and the damned awkwardness, and he just can't spell how he feels at that very moment (though he knows it's a kind of pain Ichigo caused, again).
Silence is awkward, but at least it's their silence.
-O-O-
The fifth and final time that Ichigo seriously hurts him or something equal like that, it's when they're underneath a bridge and it's black and silent and awkward, which he is getting used to fast.
And it wasn't even an intentional hurt on Ichigo's part, because Ichigo's dumb like that; he's reckless and won't think about the consequences or the feelings hurt afterwards, and it's just a spur-of-the-moment action which will take his breathe away for the next few lives he has to endure.
When their lips separate, he takes in account the confused look Ichigo wears and the saliva on his lips; how it gleams and isn't Ichigo's own, but his. It sends shivers up and down his spine (or something equally cliché), and he can't help the unabashed feeling of hope that won't come down from the sky until Ichigo mumbles something that makes the hope run into the darker places in his soul.
"I… just wanted to see how it felt like…"
"It?"
"Kissing a guy."
"Oh."
"You must be used to it, though…"
"Used to what?"
"Getting kissed by guys, dumb ass! Stop being a dork!"
"I've never kissed anyone in my life besides my relatives."
"What?"
"I've never kissed anyone before."
"Uh…"
"Just… go. Go home and kiss a girl like Rukia to wipe this experience away."
He doesn't know why he said this, but he did, and he can't take it back. Ichigo looks at him oddly but complies with the semi-plea/demand, and he's left alone in the inky blackness of under-the-bridge and he feels very much like the troll in that one fairy tale after he's been tricked.
In a way, he is, because he's been tricked into giving his first kiss to the man he fell in like (he refuses to say love) with, even though it was just 'to see what it was like', and that's the worst way Ichigo could hurt him.
Yet, all he can think about is that he doesn't mind the hurt as long s Ichigo is (was) there with him.
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