Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, either the series or movie!

Author's Note: Finally updating my Escaflowne movie parody - not much has changed, really, just a few small things here and there. Now the series is complete! Enjoy.

Escaflowne the Movie: A Gal in Gaea

Part 1

Twinkling stars shone down on a small, quiet planet of blue and green, the world of Gaea. On this strange world, in a pretty valley where a blue sky was peppered with fluffy clouds, small brown goats bleated and hopped around adorably on the craggy edges of a mountain. The animals trod on enormous dragon bones that protruded from the stark cliff face.

A dark and ominous shadow passed overhead as several Good Year blimps- scratch that, Good Year blimps spray-painted black- flew over the cliffs. Looks like someone's a cheapo.

"Dropping in altitude, sir," the Second-in-Command reported on-deck the first blimp. "The engine is operating normally. …Sir?" He turned to see why his Commander wasn't responding and found the man doubled over, hurling noisily into a small brown barf-bag.

"I…hate flying," the Commander groaned, taking deep breaths and clutching the bag. He opened his mouth and took a step toward the other soldier, ready to issue orders, and instead issued more vomit – all over the Second's chest.

"So do I, sir," the Second agreed irritably, staring at his ruined armor in dismay. The Commander stepped past him and squinted his eyes at the jiggling dials and gauges at the helm, once again wishing he knew what the fuck they meant.

"Is the load too heavy?" He asked after a moment.

"No, sir," the Second-in-Command answered. "I believe the ship can bear the weight of your fat ass all the way to-"

*Smack!*

"Very funny," the Commander growled. "Don't make me see if you can fly. So…" He looked again at the helm and through the window beyond. "You think that armor's the real thing?"

"Well, we did get it out of a 25-cent gumball machine," the Second admitted.

"And I was worth every penny!" A disembodied voice, belonging to the armor in question, muttered. The armor was trussed up tight in pink wrapping paper with a bow and tag that read, "To: Folken, Love: the Commander," and had a red kiss-mark on it.

High above the slow-moving blimp, a young boy dressed like a sexy barbarian (with no shirt and animal fur-skirt combo) flew through the sky with great flaps of his enormous white wings. A big group of geese, flying in V formation, tried to follow him.

"Will you leave me alone?!" The boy, who we'll call Van for no apparent reason, growled. "I'm not your damn leader already! Go away! Stupid birds!" His wings suddenly disintegrated in a cloud of feathers, leaving him quite flightless and more fallfull. "Dammit you guys distracted me! Aaaaaaugh!" He plummeted downwards and being falling head-first toward the blimps.

Atop a crow's nest on one of the airships, a lone guard stood at his post, a timer with about ten seconds left ticking down on the back of his head. He is so dead. Suddenly, unpleasant-looking goop fell from the sky and hit the guard's head with a nasty splat.

"Wh…what the…?" The guard muttered in confusion and touched the top of his head. "The heck was- EWW! Effing gross, man! The hell is this shi-"

*Slam!*

Van came crashing down onto the guard just in time to censor the upcoming swear and take out his enemy at the same time. Nice job!

"You're welcome!" Van flashed a thumbs-up and hopped up from the broken body of the guard (whose counter had indeed hit zero). He looked up at the sky and waved. "Thank you for your assistance in distracting him, my feathered companions!"

"…Dude, that wasn't us," the geese honked in answer. Van went red and coughed.

"Oh, uh, look! More people to kill! Bye!" He hurried off before the geese could say any more. As if there was more to say.

Deep inside the blimp, the ancient armor's earthy shell began crumbling, revealing a red crystal in its chest that began hissing and steaming with power.

"Uuurgh…heartburn again…" the armor grumbled in discomfort. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that Tacorito Supreme…"

Back at the helm, the Commander and his subordinates were gathered in a football huddle, planning their actions out for the big scene ahead.

"Well, men," the Commander sighed, "this is the last scene we're involved in for the whole movie, so let's make it a good one, okay? Just…just do your best, alright? Just do your best, and have a good time. That's what's important!"

"Have a good time?" A soldier repeated in disbelief. "Sir, we're going to get killed!"

"That's the spirit, Johnson!" The Commander cheered and patted the man's back.

Van came running down the hall and burst into the room, screaming bloody murder, because that was pretty much what he was about to do.

"Hiiiiiii-AUGH!" He tripped mid-yell and landed flat on his face. The enemy soldiers stared at him in awkward silence.

"Talk about an entrance!" The Commander stated in awe.

"Oh, please!" The Second scoffed. "He looks like a complete wuss."

"WHAT?!" Van leapt back up, seeing red (mostly because of all the blood gushing from his injured forehead). "You take that back!" He drew his sword, and the slaughter began. Soldier after soldier fell, with Van leaping around the room, sword swinging, blood flowing.

"What are you doing?!" The Second roared at the soldiers just standing there like 'tards. "Get in there and kill him!"

"But…" the soldiers protested, "but these swords are brand spankin' new! Lookit that shine!" One held up his sword and watched it sparkle beautifully.

"Oooh! Sparkly!" The Second cooed in admiration. "I mean NO! Move your asses!" He kicked the men toward Van, who easily cut them down in a matter of seconds.

"Whoo! Damn right!" Van crowed in triumph. "I'm so much more bad-ass than my pansy series-self!" He accidentally stubbed his toe on a dead body and cried out in pain. "Ow! I got a boo-boo! Someone get over here and kiss it!"

"…I'd say he's pretty much the same…" the soldiers muttered. Van barely had time to bring up his sword again and block a strike from a soldier with a 10-foot long sword. Van backed up and narrowed his eyes at the man.

"Balgus?" He asked suspiciously. "Naw, can't be. He's only in the series. Oh, well. Too bad, you die anyway!"

"Says who?" The soldier with the long sword demanded.

"Says whoever made the film," Van said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." The soldier blinked, then dropped down dead.

"Frickin' sweeeet!" Van sang. "Okay, we need to make this more dramatic to showcase how bad-ass I am. Steam time!" He kicked a fallen sword into the air, where it hit a pipe, steam immediately gushing out. It swirled around Van in a mist, who laughed maniacally, then began coughing, then passed out.

"I think that was our CO2 pipeline…" the Second mused, then remembered he had lines to recite. "I mean, impossible! It's one against many!"

"Yes, but…" the Commander said gravely, placing a hand on the man's shoulder. "He's…the hero."

"Ya damn right I am!" Van choked out, staggering back to his feet just in time to hurl a dagger at the Second. It hit the man right in the crotch, and he went down clutching his privates (no pun intended). The Commander stepped forward, and he and Van faced off with the smoke swirling dramatically around them, just as Van had intended.

"So, you're the Dragon we've heard about?" The Commander asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow. "Talk about bullshit! You look like a normal frickin' human. No wings or claws or anything. Lay-haaame."

"I'll slay all my enemies," Van whispered fiercely. "And anyone who calls me fat. Or ugly." He paused. "Or just pisses me off for no apparent reason."

"You know something?" the Commander mused. "I've always wanted to go all out in slow-mo. It's so cool! So, how 'bout letting me…?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever," Van muttered, not caring what the man did so long as he died at the end of it.

"Thanks." The Commander grinned at him, then began pulling his sword free of its sheath in slow-mo while yelling a threat. "Yoooooooouuuuu caaaaaaan't beaaaaat-"

Van lost his patience after several long seconds and leapt forward, cleanly chopping off the Commander's head. One surviving soldier tried to run for it, but Van slammed him up against the glass of the window and swung his sword, red liquid spraying everywhere.

"Dude," the soldier said bluntly, holding his ruined bottle of ketchup with fries, "NOT cool." Van glared and killed him, too. Snacking on the fries, he left the helm to find what he'd come for: the armor. It wasn't very hard, since there were lit-up signs on the walls that read: 'Hero's prize this way' with pointing arrows. As Van finally reached the armor, its pulse began to quicken, throbbing like a heartbeat, and to top it all off, Gregorian monks began singing.

"Essssscaaaaaflowneeeee….Essssscaaaaaaflowneeeee…."

"Dragon Armor…" Van murmured quietly, staring up at the armor from a catwalk, where it was being displayed in a glass case with a sign that read: 'Please don't touch the ancient Draconian Guymelef with a bad temper'. "It's time to rise from your slumber! RISE!" Van went on. "I've got some coffee right here! Mmm-mmm! Folgers, freshly brewed, bitch! Nice n' hot!" He noisily slurped some from a cup, than spat it out in a molten spray. "BOILING!"

The ancient armor chuckled evilly, enjoying the strange boy's pain. Van angrily chucked his cup at it, then raised his arms dramatically.

"Listen to me! Your name is…"

"William Du-Fancy-Pants?" The armor interrupted.

"NO! It's Escaflowne!"

"Oh." The Escaflowne paused. "Damn."

"You are…my armor…" Van paused. "Seriously. I bedazzled my name on your ass and everything."

"You WHAT?!"

-Flashback Time! Whee!-

In a crowded subway in Japan, a little girl named Hitomi held her daddy's hand and looked damn adorable amidst the hustle and bustle. Too bad she was a brat.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Child-Hitomi whined. "Candy! I want candy!"

"Shut up already!" Her father snapped. "You're the heroine, and I don't even have a frickin' FACE! It's just not fair! Guuuhh!" He turned his nonexistent face away and sobbed at the injustice.

"Oh, honey!" Hitomi's mother, who was just as nonexistent, touched his arm soothingly.

"Aww, poor daddy!" Child-Hitomi giggled. "He's not important! Daddy's a loser! Daddy's a loser!" She stopped her singing and stared at her father's wristwatch as the arms on the clock suddenly stopped moving. What was going ON?

"Stupid American piece of crap!" Hitomi's dad snarled. "Now I gotta get a new one!" Above everyone's heads, the subway's large central clock did likewise, grinding to a stop for some strange reason. What was going ON?

"Stupid American piece of crap!" The subway workers snarled. "Now we gotta get a new one!" Okay, here, lemme spell it out for you guys: TIME STOP!

"Huh? What's going on?" Little Hitomi wondered as everyone around her froze in place as time ground to a halt. Suddenly, pretty singing could be heard, filtering through the subway. "…Is that Christina Aguilera?" Hitomi blinked in surprise and gasped as she saw a stranger staring back at her through the crowd. It was a young, attractive person dressed in odd robes. "It's a weird-lookin' hobo!" Hitomi commented.

"I'm not a hobo!" The person barked. "Look, just remember this about ten years from now, will you?"

"Mmm, okay!" Child-Hitomi agreed. Time once again started up, and everyone began moving about. "What a pretty lady!" Hitomi sighed.

"I'm a GUY!" The stranger's disembodied voice cried in outrage.

-Flashback's Over! Back to the Present!-

High up on the roof of the school, Hitomi Kanzaki, the grown, teenage one that's in this story, lay sleeping in the sun. Mmm! Photosynthesis, delicious! Her shoes and a pink card tucked under them sat nearby. A soft breeze ruffled her hair, and a flock of birds flew overhead. So peaceful…so quiet…so-

*Plop!*

"Hey, you damn birds!" Hitomi roared, sitting bolt upright in fury, "Watch it! You almost fucking hit me!"

"EEEEEK!" Hitomi's friend, Yukari, who'd been sneaking closer to scare her, was scared herself as Hitomi sat up.

"Gaah! What're you doing up here, Yukari?" Hitomi gasped.

"Bugging you, duh. What else are friends for?" Yukari answered, coming closer to scootch down near Hitomi. Not a good idea with her short-ass sailor skirt uniform thing. "Cutting classes and dozing off again, Hitomi? You're so damn lazy, girl! Are you sure you didn't get mono from that guy you-"

"Yes I'm sure!" Hitomi snapped, cutting her off. "I was…dreaming…" She sighed, running her hand through her short brown hair. "About that pretty lady-"

"Astonishingly masculine symbol of manliness!" A disgruntled and equally disembodied voice interrupted.

"-at the station." Hitomi finished, ignoring the voice. "Geez, why am I dreaming this now? I would rather the dream about Justin Timberlake making love to me on a white pony-"

"I bet it's because you're frustrated!" Yukari interjected, thankfully cutting off Hitomi's disturbing fantasy. "You need to get that anger out in a healthy way! Like… join the UFC or… kill someone."

"Oh yeah, who?" Hitomi asked dubiously. "I'd never get away with it, anyway." She stood up and wandered over to the rooftop railing, where she stared down at the school-grounds below as Yukari continued prattling on.

"You're having that dream because you've got too much time on your hands. Why not-"

"Become a trained assassin?" Hitomi asked excitedly.

"…I was gonna say join the track team again, but I like your idea better." Yukari admitted. "That, or get laid."

"Meh, no thanks." Hitomi shrugged. "I dropped out of the track team because that bitch knee-capped me with a lead pipe before a race."

"Hey, that was only one time!" Yukari protested.

"I had to wear a cast for six months and get reconstructive surgery!" Hitomi sputtered. "I'm lucky I can still walk!"

"…I still don't see your point." Yukari stated.

"Oh, forget it!" Hitomi gave up, exasperated.

"Hmm? What's this?" The pink letter had caught Yukari's eye, and she walked over to it. Hitomi gasped and jumped down from the railing.

"No, wait, stop!" Too late. Yukari had opened the letter and began reading the contents aloud.

"My dearest Yukari, my love for you is like…" Yukari paused and frowned, staring at the letter. An awkward silence descended on the rooftop.

"Err, wrong letter." Hitomi coughed, snatched the love-letter away, ripped it up, and gave Yukari another one. After giving her friend a long look, she opened it and began reading the new letter aloud.

"Dear Yukari," Yukari read, "I'm gonna die. You get all my stuff. Peace out! Hitomi." She lowered the letter and raised an eyebrow at Hitomi. "The hell is this?"

"Buh…" Hitomi protested, searching for an answer. "Destiny's Child broke up that week and…"

"That's still not a good enough reason, stupid!" Yukari bopped Hitomi on the head for punishment. The girls squabbled for a little while longer, then departed for the long trip home. They sat on the train, talking idly.

"What's with you?" Yukari inquired jokingly. "You're napping during class lately."

"I can't help it!" Hitomi snapped back. "I feel sleepy all the time. Probably because of all the drunken rave parties I go to until four in the morning."

"…You have got to stop drinking, honey," Yukari said firmly.

"Don't judge me!"

The two girls got off the train and continued the long walk home. They ran along a cobbled pathway next to a gate, giggling like…well, like the schoolgirls they were, and began wrestling with each other playfully.

"Whoo! Yeah!" Some horny frat-boys hollered as they watched the two girls romp with one another. "Take her top off! Kiss her a little! Whoooo!"

Hitomi and Yukari shared a look, then shot toward the boys to teach them a lesson in Tai-Kwon-Do. A rather painful one. After the beat-down was over, Hitomi and Yukari left the bleeding lumps of meat where they lay and resumed their walk. Just as they took a few steps, a strange, beautiful voice began singing.

"Is that…Evanescence?" Yukari asked dubiously.

"She's…calling…" Hitomi murmured, looking dreamy-eyed. Then she yanked out her phone and punched a button, turning off her Evanescence ring-tone with annoyance. "Dammit, mom! How many times do I have to tell you, I don't have daytime minutes! Gawd!"

Later, the girls sat on the steps of a large building as the sun began to set, casting an orange glow over the scene.

"Hitomi, I'm worried about you!" Yukari said suddenly. "You've been acting really strange lately! You haven't…joined a weird cult or an online MMORPG, have you? Please tell me you haven't! Please!" She grabbed hold of Hitomi by the shoulders and shook her violently. "That is a dark, DARK road!"

"Stop that! I'm fine!" Hitomi growled, shoving Yukari off. Her friend eyed her carefully, then stepped back and placed her hands on her hips.

"…Does this skirt make me look fat?" She asked randomly.

"No."

"Thanks!" Yukari smiled. "I was worried-"

"Those shoes do." Hitomi answered truthfully. Yukari's eyes filled with tears and she gasped.

"You…you big meanie! Fine! I'm leaving!" She burst out sobbing and rushed away, leaving Hitomi feeling quite awful.

"Oh God I'm a monster!" Hitomi wailed, sorry for hurting her one and only friend. "Why am I suddenly being such a hurtful bitch? I don't wanna be like Nancy Grace! Help! Someone, help me! Please!" She clasped her hands and gazed imploringly at the heavens.

"You called?" A man in a dark cloak and cowl asked moodily.

"What's with the cloak? Who do you think you are, Obi-Wan, or a burn victim? Get lost, creep." Hitomi turned to leave.

"Wait, girlie!" The cloaked stranger called, forcing her to stop. "Come with me! Just let everything fade away…this whole sad world…and come with me, to Gaea! You will be welcomed there as the Wing Goddess, and together we shall-"

*Psssssssshhhht!*

Hitomi hit him right in the face with a full-force can of pepper-spray.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, freak!" She hollered, whipping the now-empty can at the man's head. "You think I'm stupid?!"

"Aaaaaugh!" The cloaked stranger howled in agony, rubbing at his eyes in vain, then dissolved into nothingness. Hitomi stared at the blank space where the man had been.

"What the hell is in this stuff?!" She wondered, snatching up the pepper-spray can and looking at the back to check the contents. Then she looked up and realized that she'd been mysteriously transported to the school's enormous stadium, where she stood on the grass in the middle of the field. "Wait…was that guy a motivational speaker or something? Or is there a gas leak somewhere and I'm getting high? Someone tell me!"

Darkness enveloped the stadium, and a cold breeze swept over Hitomi, who shivered. Suddenly a huge image of the earth faded into view before her, making the confused girl even…confuseder.

"What the heck's going ON?" She demanded to know. "This can't be real! If it is, then let me…get wet-willied in the ear by…Morgan Freeman!" She smiled smugly and crossed her arms in triumph.

"There I was," a familiar, aged voice narrated from thin air, "about to give Hitomi Kanzaki a wet-willie in the ear to prove that what she's seeing is real. Of course I had better things to do, but since these jobs are few and far between-"

"Dude, just get OUT here already!" Hitomi barked, rudely interrupting the elderly African-American actor.

"Alright. Here I go." Morgan Freeman appeared next to her, licked his finger, and was about to put it in Hitomi's ear when she grabbed his hand and glared at him.

"That won't be necessary," Hitomi said firmly. "I believe it now."

"Good for you, my dear," Morgan Freeman patted her on the back. "Never give up hope. Like the penguins of the Arctic, who live for months at a time-"

"Leave!" Hitomi shoved him away and muttered angrily to herself. "Damn, I guess this stuff really is happening! …I should have said 'made love to by Justin Timberlake on a'- aw SHIT my shoes!" Water began gushing up from under her feet and quickly filled the stadium. As the cold water rose and rushed over her head, Hitomi sank down into the inky abyss and disappeared.