"Detention, actually though," hummed Snape, filing his nails, "oh and you as well, Remus, James and Peter."
"Vot?!" Exploded Remus, spittle flying everywhere, "we didn't even do anything! It was Siri who called you fat, not us! Yer not even a proper teacher". JJ and Wormy clicked sassily and Siri nodded swaggily, putting on a hideous clown mask.
"But I don't like you. So, detention." Snape boogied.
The Marauders lined up in an orderly line and punched Snape one by one.
Lily called thoughtfully at Snape, "you ARE rather chubby, Sev."
Snape blushed and stammered an apology, before harming James. Riri was beside himself, "um, vot! How come Lils didn't get no detention fo calling ye chubby? You APOLOGISED to her!"
"Lily is giving constructive criticism. You jazzy pigs are just being cruel."
And so, later dat night, JJ, Siri, Riri and Wormy lined up outside a muddy transfiguration room because detention.
"Mine is too tight," Peter bit his lip, pointing at his skinny jeans. The were pink and said "I hate Snivellus a lot!" All four of them had matching jeans.
Snape waltzed forward wearing a long, slimy green dress. He sobbed at the Marauders jeans.
"Hello, punks!" He did a wee jig, blue substances flying out of his huge nose, "detention is what will happen. Yousins have to go in there, and take it in turns to video each other spitting, stroking and insulting each other. Then, clean my dog." Snape threw a horrible, greasy white ball of disgusting fluffiness at them. It was gross.
The Marauders couldn't be bothered to do any of this, so they chopped up Snape's dog and put them into their salad. "No carbs," they giggled.
Instead of spitting on each other, James filmed the death of Snape's doggy, and himself and Sirius doing ballet. He then proceeded to film Sirius and Remus loving each other an Peter trying to join in. Then JJ simply filmed himself being gorgeous.
"What's happening, lads?" Peter sang.
"RUUUUUUBISH!" Drawled Sirius.
Peter sobbed. "I know I'm rubbish. I got a card last year on Valentines Day. I thought it would say I was totes hawt and gorge. But all it said was "u r rubbish lol get out no1 likes u haha!""
At this, James grinned maniacally. "I got forty eight valentines and only seven were from myself." Peter sobbed again.
Meanwhile, Remus and Sirius had reached some problems in their relationship.
"But... Hannah is blonde!" Cried Remus, eating tuna.
"Oh, come on, Riri, Spencer is clearly the prettiest. And she has amazing fashion taste. Totes!" Sirius replied, measuring himself
"Um, ew, naw! She dresses like my meemaw." Remus was so angry he stood up.
Sirius also stood. "Um, hello?It's called vintage, boho, retro, whatevs. You're just wel jel of her fab cloche hat in season 2 episode 15."
"Don't lie. It hid her cheekbones and made her face look fat."
Sirius scowled, and threw a tube of Maybelline New York Pink Punch Baby Lips; Super Moisturising, Tinted! At him. It made Remus vomit but nobody really cared, and Peter ate the vomit on his waffles.