Catharsis

by Shadow-of-what

Yassen Runs into Alex in a Part of Moscow He Swore Never to Return To.

I'm back in Moscow, back here in the same city where I grew up; learnt to speak English and think in it. Where I learnt to isolate the Russian I learnt from my parents in a tightly locked little box and manage to squeeze in the rest of my personality also. Walking down this street to the hotel where I'm staying I remember what it felt like to have John slowly melt the seals on that box and pry it open pulling that dark Russian language out which I'd folded my emotions up in. I also remember the cold of my grief that stuffed the whole lot back inside.

Taking the stairs up to my room I look back down the corridor quickly and let myself in quickly scanning the room to make sure nothing has been moved since I left. Satisfied I check the bathroom for people and then sink onto the bed pulling off my shoes and crossing my legs underneath me.

This is the first time I've been back to this part of Moscow since I was a child, I want to get out and quickly because the proximity to old places is shaking my self control. The white, snow laden sky outside the window is reminding me of things I'd prefer not to remember.

There is a rap on the door, nervous and quiet. I look at it and pull my boots back on. The spy hole is beckoning me to look through and see who it is but bullets go straight through them, I know that well enough. I consider the wood for a moment and settle for looking through the keyhole instead, a hip is all I can see. They cant be very tall, I draw a gun and take a deep breath like John taught me before opening the door.

It's him.

Him.

"I watched you die."

His perfect English, upper class London accent. His blonde hair that falls ever so slightly into his father's eyes, athletic body slim and strong…

"Alex."

We just stare at each other, I cant stop looking into his eyes.

"Why aren't you dead?"

Blinking I open the door and stand to the side, he swallows looking at the threshold with trepidation and then steps inside. I close the door behind him and he turns to face me.

"Why are you in Russia?"

He wets his lips before speaking. "MI6."

"I see."

"Are you going to tell me?"

I consider him for a moment and then go to my bag and begin packing it.

"I was not dead, MI6 took me into custody and then I escaped."

"Were you trying to kill me?"

I turn to look at him. "When?"

"By sending me to Scorpia."

"No."

"Then what were you trying to do by sending me to my father's killers?"

I freeze in the act of pushing my laptop into the duffle bag. What?

The silence in the room is dense like Siberian snow, I can't think; it's like my brain's been padded out with mattress stuffing. MI6 killed John, they killed him on the bridge. I turn around fully and look at him where he stands by the door then I start towards him.

Something must have shown on my face because he's already going for the doorhandle before I've taken my first step and wrenching it open, I grab him and pull him back slamming him against the door and pushing a gun under his chin to make him look up at me.

"Explain."

His brown eyes are swollen with fear and I can feel his chest expand against me as he tries to keep calm. His hands are splayed against my shoulders, frozen in the act of pushing me away.

"He didn't die on the bridge, it was staged. He died later when Julia Rothman found out."

I push the gun up a bit so that his chin edges up a little further, I'm looking into his eyes seeing the desperation written in the angle of his eyebrows. Then it changes, he's looking at me steadily.

"You didn't know?"

Pity?

He's looking at me with pity.

John didn't tell me, he let me think he was dead.

The door shakes in it's hinges, it's more of a battering ram than a knock.

"Yassen!"

Shit. Oh fuck.

Looking down at Alex with his perfect, boyish face his serious eyes and his messy blonde hair I feel a stab of genuine panic. The other side of that door was Victor and Victor would love him. I push him hard further into the room and run to my bag getting out a semi-automatic uzi and ramming a clip home.

"Who is it? Yassen?"

Alex is scared; he's itching to get his hands on a weapon I can see it in the stance he's taken up.

"Come here."

"Yassen!" Someone hits the door.

"What?" he's looking between me and the door.

"Alex come here now!" I grab him and pull him to my chest. "Don't let him see your face."

"Who? Why?" he's pushing against me.

"Trust me," I cock the handgun in my right and click the safety off both as they hit the door again. I can see the indecision in his face. "Alex trust me."

"Why should I?"

I cant answer that and he knows it but if Victor sees his face… His beautiful, innocent face.

"I'm trying to protect you."

They burst through the door and he steps close looking up at me, I cant look down though I'm looking at the doorway where two big stupid men stand like the oafs that they are either side of the door pointing their guns at me. Victor walks between them and I feel my heart speed up, adrenaline kicking in. He looks at me then the back of Alex's head, running his eyes over his body.

"Yassen… I'm surprised." His gaze lingers on his bum. "A boy of your own."

"What do you want Victor?"

He looks at me. "When I heard that you were in the district I didn't believe it, you said you'd never come back."

"I have a job to do."

"So where does he fit into this?"

"He's mine."

"Like you were mine?"

"No."

He strides forwards . "Turn around boy, so I can see your face."

Alex doesn't move, he's staring at my chest swallowing, Victor reaches out with his hand.

"Don't touch him."

I aim the gun in my right hand straight at him even as Alex moves as close as he can and buiries his face in my shirt. I can feel his breath hot and heavy with fear on my skin.

"How beautiful is he that you cant bear to let me see him?" he grins. "five-hundred thousand."

"I wont sell him."

"six-hundred." He leans in and speaks to Alex. "I paid fifty lire for yassen, barely enough for a bottle of vodka back then. And he cried, cried when I locked him in the basement, cried when I forced him to his knees and screamed when I fucked him."

"Back off Victor, just because I've been ordered not to kill you that doesn't mean I wont."

"As you say…" He steps back eyes on Alex's back and his hair. "If you're sure you won't sell him."

"I'll never sell him."

"Or loan him to me."

"Leave Victor."

He takes one last lingering look at Alex and then turns and walks out, one of his goons has the presence of mind to close the door behind him. I push one gun in the back on my trousers and drop the Uzi before pushing Alex away.

"Get out of Russia, now."

He's staring at me with his father's eyes, wide and dark.

"What was he talking about?"

"Victor buys and sells slaves." I go back to packing the bag, quickly, less efficiently.

"And you were his?"

I don't answer, I don't have to.

"Yassen?"

"Yes Alex I was, but Scorpia bought me, or they kidnapped me and sent him money; he never would have sold me."

Bag packed I swing it on my shoulder. "Go, get out. Ring your contact and tell him you've caught Victor's attention."

"I don't understand."

"He wants you, probably because you are linked with me and because you are so beautiful. He will use all his contacts in Moscow to try and find you, you need to get out right now."

For a moment he just looks more confused then he shoves his hands in his pockets. "I'll try."

"Where are you staying?"

"Room 21 Hotel Belle Vue."

"Go out the back way, then take the first street on your left." I walk over and pull his hood up, then put my hand on his shoulder. "Take care of yourself."

He nods. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew."

He's brought it back to John. I reach out and run my thumb over his cheek, his skin's so soft and he's just staring at me. For a moment I ask myself what his hair would feel like if I were to run my fingers through it then I curl my fingers around the back of his neck and kiss his forehead.

"It's not your fault." I release him and step back, opening the door he goes halfway through and then turns those eyes back on me from under his hood.

"Will I see you again?"

How do I answer that? Why would he want to see me again?

"Perhaps. Yes. Now go."

He smiles and then walks out, head down.

---

It's been a week and my contact in London says Alex still isn't back. So before I leave for good I give in to myself and go to his hotel. It's exactly how I remember it… The façade stained and cracked, the entrance very underwhelming. I find his room easily and stand in front of it for a moment before reaching for the handle and pulling out my lockpicks.

I open the door and walk into the room. It's dark and dingy, one bed pushed against the wall. He walks out the ajoined bathroom and jumps at the sight of me I just stare and a word comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"Sashka."

He's dyed his hair the exact shade of his father's, that and his eyes… Oh god.

"What?"

I blink. "Why are you still in Moscow?"

"MI6 wont get me out."

"Why?"

"They won't believe that he's obsessed with me… I couldn't very well go and tell them I'd seen you and that was why…" he looks down at his feet for a second. "I don't even know whether they know you're alive."

"And what if I give you money to get yourself out?"

"I don't know." Alex shrugs and I cross to him dropping my bag. His startled look as I trap his head in my hands and tilt it up has me swallowing.

"Look at me." His hands are on my wrists and his eyes are darting from side to side. "Alex… " I lean down so he has no choice. "Look at me."

His eyes meet mine and my heart seems to skip.

"Tell me you'll leave. He is vindictive and sadistic and he wants you. Badly."

"What for?" His hands slide up my arms a little leaving goose bumps in their wake.

"To hurt you. To hurt me…" I lean back a little, one hand sliding to his shoulder.

"Hurt you?" He swallows. "Do you care… about me…"

There's nothing for it. "Yes."

"Do you-" His voice cracks and he has to swallow before he can speak. "Do you want… Why do you care?"

I immediately want to know the end of his first sentence but the second is worrying enough to answer and I take a deep breath. "Because you're Alex Rider."

"So it's about my father."

"Its about you." I brush his hair out of his eyes with my fingers making him blink. "Please leave."

It must be the please because he nods and then swallows and says: "Okay."

I step back from him and go to my bag opening it up and taking out a wad of cash. I hand it to him.

"How much?"

"More than enough."

Alex nods and runs a hand through his hair. "Okay."

I pull him to me, nose in his hair hands on his back and say against the top of his head. "Don't do anything stupid."

He nods. "I wont. I promise."

---

"Yassen."

"What do you want Victor."

"I have your boy."

I stop, the man behind me swears and steps around me.

"Where?"

"The old place."

"I'll be five minutes."

---

The house is the same as it ever was and as I walk up to the front door, it opens and Victor is there. He ushers me inside and closes the door behind me.

"Where is he?"

"Basement."

I walk through the house, nothing's changed. He fucked me everywhere, on every couch, on every counter, in the kitchen, against most of the walls. I remember the first time he rimmed me on the stairs with my face pressed against the carpet and his tongue…

"What do you want from me?"

"What do you think?" He moves behind me, hands crawling over my hips and then my bum.

"What have you done to him?"

"Nothing, yet. I haven't touched him."

"I want to see him."

"Alright."

We go down into the basement, him behind me. He's on the bed where I lost it, lost everything, barely conscious. I shake him but he doesn't focus on me, his pupils are dilated reducing his eye's beautiful brown to a thin rim.

"What did you give him?"

"Rohipnol." Victor crouched by his head. "He is beautiful, have you had him yet?"

"No, it's not like that."

"Isn't it? You look like you want to fuck him."

"Perhaps I do, that doesn't mean I will."

"You've changed." He says "Take your top off."

For a moment I don't think I can do it, then I strip off my two jackets and peel off my shirt. His touch makes me feel sick as he runs it over the scar on my chest from the bullet that Alex thought killed me.

"What happened here?"

"I got distracted."

"Who by?"

"Him."

"Lie down next to him."

I swallow, frozen.

"One of my men is listening, they'll come down here with guns if you don't do exactly what I say. And they'll hold you while I fuck him."

The thought is so revolting I gag. Then - heart sinking - I crawl over him, lying down within touching distance. Victor kneels on the bed straddling my chest and undoes the front of his trousers.

"Touch me."

I reach up and pull him from his underwear, watching myself go through the actions like it was only yesterday that he last had me underneath his desk sucking him off during meetings.

"Yassen…" he breaths it. "Now I know it's you."

He pushes his hips forward and guides his cock into my mouth, it tastes the same feels the same and it has him moaning and then laughing.

"How I missed you." He runs his hand through my hair looking straight into my eyes as he pushes forwards down my throat, I swallow compulsively and he pushes further till I can feel his balls against my bottom lip and I cant breathe. Don't panic, don't panic, just wait for him to pull out. Try not to gag.

I push on his hips and he smiles holding it a moment more just to be vindictive before pulling out and letting me breathe. Then he does it again, enjoying the way I have to swallow and the way my eyes widen and implore him to stop just like they used to.

"I tried… I tried to find someone with your eyes." He stopped hissed and then continued. "There's no one with your eyes."

He's settling into a jerky rythmn his hands in my hair pulling my head forwards and his moans come in waves. He's close when he pulls out and looks up at the ceiling calming himself down, I look at Alex, still lying there his drugged eyes blinking slowly. I'm still looking at him as Victor pulls my trousers off and starts running his hands over me. Then his head turns towards me and he's staring at me.

"Look at me Yassen."

I cant, Alex's eyes have me.

Victor turns my head and kisses me, I close my eyes and respond tensing up even as I tell myself not to when he pushes his fingers inside me.

"You're as tight as you used to be." He gasps. "How long has it been?"

I don't answer, he can feel that no one's taken me for years. No one since John.

"Was I your last?"

"No."

He rests his forehead against my shoulder and I turn to look back at Alex hand tightening in the sheets underneath me as he pushes inside. I didn't see him use anything but he must have, it doesn't hurt as much as I expected. He lifts his head and I look at him, he kisses me and starts to move grabbing my wrist and pinning it to the bed above my head. It's just a gesture of control really, if I fought him I'd win and he knows it but it isn't about that. I cant fight him and he knows that too.

"Oh yassen."

I hate the way he says my name all russian syllables and lust. He's finally picking up the pace moving faster and it hurts a bit more, he bites my neck shifting and altering the angle and there's that sickening pleasure as he hits my prostate.

"God your so tight, fuck." He lets go of my hand pushes my legs up a little so he can get deeper then pulls out and turns me on my side towards Alex and slams back inside. I close my eyes gritting my teeth against that pain. I look at Alex again blocking Victor out and he's seeing me now, focused on me. He lifts one heavy looking hand and touches mine squeezing it. I squeeze back as he hits my prostate again, nails digging into the back of his hand; it hurts so much.

I rest my forehead against his fingers and then look up into his eyes again, he's struggling to say something, face marred by confusion. Alex is so beautiful, he squeezes my hand again and this time I kiss his fingers.

"Yassen," Victor cups my face turning my head to look at him. "Yassen Victorovich."

And he comes.

Pressed against my back he falls asleep, I disentangle myself from him - mind focused. I can deal with his later, when I'm on my own . For now I need to get Alex out of here.

Clothes pulled on I pick Alex up, he touches my chest staring up at me with eyes so vulnerable I want to kiss him but I carry him upstairs trying to ignore the way liquid's running down the back of my leg. Putting him in the passenger seat I drive away, back to this shitty basement room where I put him gently on the bed go into the bathroom and throw up.

Just throw up till everything's gone and then in the shower throwing my clothes away. At first the water's brown with blood and then clear as I wash everything, pushing my fingers inside myself despite the pain to try to get him out of me. Dressed again I sit on the end of the bed looking at Alex who just lies there on his side staring at the wall, looking at him helps its distracting. I lie down next to him trying to imagine he's staring at me rather than staring blankly and then he focuses and reaches for me.

"Yassen?"

He holds my arm in weak fingers and I cant help myself I lean over and kiss him. His lips are soft and his body is pliant as I shift against it wrapping my arm around him pulling him closer with my shaky hands. I've wanted him for so long it hurts to be able to kiss him like this, it hurts because I know I'll never be able to do it again and that he'll never kiss me back. I pull away and hold him close my face buried in his hoody, I'm crying. I haven't cried in so long, since John died probably… Crying because I can feel where Victor's hurt me, crying because of this damn boy who I let him hurt me for.

Sniffing I pull away and kiss him once more on his unresponsive lips before getting off the bed. Leaving him there in his heavy limbed sprawl.

"Yassen?"

"You won't remember this…" I say to him picking up my bag and writing a note on a piece of paper. Telling him to ring MI6 and leaving him my mobile. They can track him through that, he'll be okay, I can go.

"Yassen?"

Turning I leave ignoring the throb inside and the utter humiliation and shame.

It's months before I stand on a dock in India and I see him weaving through the crowd he sees me too and both our eyes widen. For once I'm the one who runs.

"Yassen!" I scatter people as I sprint through the narrow streets panicked for a half formed reason.

"Yassen I need to talk to you!"

Its fucking inevitable in these streets that I run into I dead end and with him being to fucking fit he's blocking my exit before I have time to get out. I stride towards him hoping he'll back off.

"Please, just tell me what happened? Tell me what happened… Did he… do anything to me?"

I stop, he thought that Victor had… The idea makes me so angry and so protective, I grab him and hold him hard against me. "He didn't do anything to you, I got to him first." He squeezes me back and the relief in his face as he looks up at me makes my chest hurt. "How did you save me?"

"Do you not remember anything?"

"No."

I swallow and let him go reluctantly. "I made a deal with Victor."

"What was the deal?"

"I did something for him and in return he let you go."

"What did you have to do?"

I turn away, cause it's the only thing I can think of doing.

"Yassen?"

"Nothing I regret considering the circumstances." I say carefully.

"He's here… Victor."

My heart stops. "What?"

"He's got a load of Philipino boys locked up in a container."

I can barely breathe.

"They want me to get myself noticed and get it out of him which container it is."

"No." I turn around.

"I can't say no."

I grab him and slam him into the wall and I'm speaking before I even know what's going on. "I won't do that again, not because of MI6. I won't let him… I won't do that again."

He's staring at me, eyes wide. "What?"

I can smell him, smell his deodorant and his hair as I lean into him trying to calm down.

"What did you have to do?"

I don't answer resting my head on his shoulder instead. He gasps hand tightening on my arm, I lift my head.

"What is it?"

"God, my head hurts."

"Did you hit it on the wall?" I run my fingers over the back of his head feeling blood.

"No, I mean yes but…" he winces closing his eyes. "You… You were holding my hand."

"You remember?" I'm running again and this time he doesn't follow me, he's sliding down the wall holding his head shouting after me. "Yassen tell me what happened!"

He goes after Victor, I'm expecting it because he obviously doesn't remember enough to sate his curiosity. I follow him to the bar and see him sit down near Victor and wait for him to notice him and then approach and push a gun into his ribs.

"Get up and leave."

"No."

"Why?"

"You won't shoot me, I won't leave until you tell me what happened."

"No."

He darts out into the main body of the bar and I miss his wrist grabbing the material of his tee-shirt which rips in my hand and then Victor's looking at him and he's staring back and then running out the bar followed by two of his goons and him.

They end up in an alley, one that Alex deliberately ran into. He stands against the wall with his ripped tee-shirt showing his beautiful skin and I crouch above them on a low roof hidden in shadow.

"Alex Rider, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to find out what you did to Yassen?"

"Really?" he smiles. "Come on, you're an intelligent boy… We made a deal."

"What was the deal?"

"I can't force him anymore, as you can imagine. I gave him a choice…"

I jump down pulling out my gun.

"Shut up Victor."

"Yassen?" he laughs. "My god…"

"Alex, go."

"Not until I know."

"Don't argue with me."

"The boy just wants to know the extent of your generosity Yassen."

"Shut the fuck up!" I shout.

"You're not allowed to shoot me Yassen,"

"Don't push me."

"You can't anyway. You can't shoot me."

"Why not?"

"Because secretly you want to come back to me."

I just laugh, laugh because it's so fucking ridiculous. "You're deluded."

"Then shoot me."

"I'm not allowed to."

"You don't care about rules like that… Come on, prove me wrong…"

My hand is shaking as he approaches me.

"You see Alex I gave him a choice."

"Shut up!"

"I could fuck you or I could fuck him."

I shoot the two men and they crumple to the ground.

"And he enjoyed it."

"I fucking hate you!"

He touches my shaking wrist and I recoil dropping the gun. "Come here."

"No." I trip over something and now I'm sitting down and he's looking down at me.

"I miss you Yassen, I know you miss me. No one fucks you like me."

There's half a brick underneath my hand and I swing it around into his face, and then do it again and again and then he's lying on his back and I'm battering him with it. His blood is going everywhere and I can hear something else but I can't stop myself, I'm laughing. Someone pulls me backwards and I'm screaming at them in Russian in English in Italian.

"It's okay!" he shouts back at me. "He's dead Yassen, you killed him."

I just stare at him and then I look at the body and I'm covered in blood. "Oh fuck."

"Yassen? Are you… Are you okay?"

"I killed him." I start laughing again, hysterical. "I killed him!"

"Jesus." I hear him breathe his hand on my shoulder and at that, at the concern I cant help myself I'm shaking and hyperventilating.

"The things he did to me."

"I remember Yassen." He says softly.

"He told you anyway."

"Not that, I mean that too but afterwards."

I don't move, I just look down at the road waiting for him to leave. His fingers touch the side of my face and I look up at him freezing as his lips touch mine. He's kissing me.

I'm too shocked to move, my hearts stopped and he pulls away.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

I drag him close slamming our lips together and squeezing him to me with a yearning noise in the back of my throat. He's kissing me back, meeting my tongue with his own hands in my hair and running over my shoulders.

"I'm sorry." He gasps. "So sorry you had to."

"It's okay."

"It's not… It's my fault."

I take him in my arms and kiss his neck. "Let's get out of here."

It's the first decent hotel we come across and he's the one who has the presence of mind to try and wipe some of the blood off me before we walk into reception. Then we were in the room with the door locked and he's undressing me, slowly, with these tiny kisses in between movements. I run my hands over him, up and down his back, and I'm shaking. He gets me to my underwear and takes my hand, leading me into the bathroom where he turns on the shower and pulls off his own shirt and trousers.

When we're under the spray, boxers like a second skin he presses himself against me and murmurs words against my collarbone. He's saying its okay and I believe him but I'm still shaking like I'm cold and I only feel better when I hug him to me, hands pressed against his back between his shoulder blades and just above the waistband of his boxers. We stand there till he smiles at me, shyly from underneath wet lashes and turns off the shower. Then he dries me off and passes me another towel so I can take off the boxers.

Then we're lying with towels around our waists, wrapped in the duvet, and he's just so warm and smooth and beautiful. We just lie there and kiss, not like before, desperate and frantic, this is slow because I know it would be stupid to rush it now, not when my hands are still trembling against his skin. But when he pulls back a little and his fingers rest just above the towel I don't stop him and suddenly we're naked and I feels amazing to have one of his legs between my own and to be just lying there with him.

He's hard against me, I'm semi-hard myself and it takes the smallest movement of hips to have him gasping but he holds my wrist firmly when they head southward and then turns out the light.

"Not tonight." He murmurs with another tiny kiss. "Your shaking still and I… I've never…"

"Okay."

"Just sleep, I'll be right here."

I find myself murmuring. "He's dead."

"Most definitely."

I press my face against his warm shoulder. "I'm sorry I pushed you into that wall."

"Shh…" He kisses my head and my neck and runs his hand up my back.

I'm just about falling asleep when my mind finally kicks into gear and I sit up, startling Alex awake.

"He's dead!"

He looks blearily up at me for a second and then runs his hand up my chest and tries to pull me back down. I take his hand and lean over him.

"I wasn't supposed to kill him. Scorpia… Shit."

"What do you mean?" He rubs his eyes and sits up quilt falling to around his waist, it breaks my concentration for a second and I have to look away before I can think, because he's so close and very naked, and all I want to do is lie back down and kiss the fuck out of him.

"Scorpia's going to be looking for me, we have to get out of here."

"Okay… Where will we go?"

"I don't know…" I run my hands through my hair, panicking now because we've delayed too long already.

"Yassen…" he slides into my lap gloriously naked and warm and takes my face between his hands. "Calm down."

I nod and he kisses me.

"I have somewhere we can go."

"Really?" I ask.

"Really."

"Where?"

We end up on a boat, cutting through the waves watching the sun rise from the ocean. He takes my hand.

"It's going to be fine…"

And that night, anchored in a bay we put a matress from the cabin on the deck and look at the stars. He falls asleep on my shoulder, this beautiful boy, and I hold him possessively till the sun comes up and he wakes, blinking those dark eyes against the brightness. When he stretches I can feel the muscles in him elongate and run my hands up and down his sides.

"You feel so good."

He reaches for the glass of water he put on the deck and takes a gulp. "I taste better."

So I kiss him.

Our first time is right there on the deck with some oil from the mess. He shakes and shivers underneath me and comes so many times that by the last there's nothing coming out. He's quiet though, which I like because I don't want anyone else to hear him like this; the small moans, breathed against my lips and his stuttered words.

After holding out so long while preparing him I come hard, so hard I feel like I've passed out and my mind drifts for a long time before I come back to my body, still sheathed in him. He's exhausted and quivering in my arms for a long time, even after he falls asleep, and we wake again to the dawn and jump in the sea.

Treading water by the boat I kiss him and I'm myself for the first time in years, all of me together as a whole.

"Let's never get off this boat." Alex says.

I agree.