"I stilll can't believe we like in a place called New Hamster," Emmett's whiny voice filled the car.

"It's not New Hamster, it's New Hampshire you dolt." Renesmee scorned.

"Got cutie! Go cutie!" Jacob chanted wildly. Drunkenly.

"Go to hell," Bella joined.

"Children!" Esme chastised.

"Technically," Edward started, "I am older than you."

"And I am older than the both of you put together." Carlisle broke in.

"Yeah, he's a regular antique, I tried to pawn him off at the pawn shop, but they didn't buy it," Renesmee added.

The limo slinked into the parking lot when Alice griped, "Bella, we should've bought you a new dress!"

Rosalie began to strip. "Here, have mine," Rose teased, handing the dress to Bella. She was in her 400 dollar black lace bra. Jacob wolf whistled.

"Why I oughta!" Emmett began, shaking his fist.

"Hit 'im Uncle Emmett, hit 'im!" Nessie crowed, jumping and clapping.

"Rose, dress yourself. Alice, it's just a concert. I don't need a dress, jeans work." Bella interrupted.

"She never said nothing 'bout me," Emmett said, smoking Jacob.

Jacob began to growl and shake. The limo followed his movements. "Look, mongral, behave, there are ladies in our presence," Jasper said matter-of-factly.

His accent is so hot, Alice thought, earning her a stern look from Edward.

Jacob, meanwhile, centered his breathing on the fact that Renesmee was buckled securely next him. And he knew the pain Sam had endured from Emily's scars.

A hefty group of ten people shifted weight and undid seatbelts. Bella recalled the last time she bought tickets for a concert of this band. Haha. this time Edward and Alice wouldn't miss the concert due to blood lusting newborns.

The opening acts was a slight woman with frail arms and thin chestnut hair. Her back up band was sloppy and disorganzied, but she clearly had fun performing. Screams errupted from everybody when the main band took stage. A racing beat organized the chaos. Chords from the guitar joined until the bass had chimed in. Renesmee bellowed, but her voice was lost in the harmony. A few songs passed and Bella turned to check on Renesmee and found her lips glued to Jacob's.

Emmett caugh a glimpse and kicked Jacob between the legs. His breath wooshed out of his mouth and into Renemee's. "Renesmee, why don't you try to pawn off Jacob's now damaged family jewels?" Emmett laughed. Jacob's stomach lurched as he lost all feeling belong his waist. He fought at the tears that formed in his eyes. Renesmee had come onto him! At sixteen (in looks at least) she was unexperienced, but an ahh-maz-ing kisser. It may have been due to the fact that the last girl he had kissed had hated him at the time.

Edward's jaw tensed. "You BASTARD! WALK! NOW!" Edward pointed towards a door that read "Male." Well, kissing Renesmee had been worth it. "HOW DARE YOU?!" Edward screamed, referring to Jacob's thoughts about kissing Renesmee.

By now they were in the bathroom. "She is two! And if you EVER touch my daughter in any sexual way, I will neuter you dog!" Edward spat.

"Well, ever is a long time, and I believe you, um, touched Bella sexually when she was eighteen." Jacob cringed the instant he said it. Not only did it not help his case, it reminded him that Bella had sex with the leech while she was still human.

"This is different! My DAUGHTER is TWO, and we were MARRIED!"

"Whatever. I'm going to enjoy myself tonight, you should let Renesmee have some fun for once.

"SHE'S TWO!"

***

Renesmee drummed her fingers in wait for Jacob. As soon as her Dad turned his head, she'd make some moves. Jacob waltzed out of the man's room with a sour looking face, Edward walked with a smirk. Suddenly, there was an explosion of screams. But not cheering screams, these were blood-curdling and terrified.

Bella instantly pulled Renesmee close, and looked for Edward. Carlisle was ushering the humans out as fact as possible on one side, Esmethe same on the other. That's how she knew it was a vampire attack. Alice and Jasper were heading through the crowd, presumably looking for said vampire. Emmett and Rose were getting up on the balcony, also to get the humans out, but there was no sign of Edward or Jacob.

Still holding onto Renesmee, Bella made her way toward the bathroom. There was a break in the crowd and Edward and Jacob emerged. Relief flooded through Bella as she threw Renesmee to Jacob. "Take care of her!" Bella yelled, and ran off with Edward.

Jacob looked down at the girl in his arms. She was staring back at him with brown eyes he fell into. Bella glanced back pleadingly for Jake to protect her daughter. She ended up snarling and hissing a warning at Jacob's 'little friend.' Jake blushed and tried to hide his now visible arousal. Renesmee looked down, and wondered if Jake was thinking. "Hmm," She sighed. In all the hustle Jacob, with Renesmee in his arms, was pushed backstage. He caught a glimpse of a light brown haired bloodsucker, but, it wasn't one of his bloodsuckers.

The leech was stripping the girl from the first act, and dstripped himself. As he was beginning to get on her, Jacob instantly thought of Edward getting on Bella on their honeymoon. Then, without a word he crossed the room and left, then crossed the road to the Cullen's new house. He swung himself and Renesmee into the back of the Volvo. They kissed. They stripped. They kissed. When Renesmee's removed Jacob's tighty-whitey's she saw something that made her laugh, uncontrollably.

This is a joint story written by me and my friend Lezlee, that is the same Lezlee that helped inspire Feeling Of Falling. Anyway, there will be a good amount of sexual content in this story, but there will be no lemons. Also, this is AU, and humor, so we play by my- well, our- rules.

Also, Nessie looks sixteen in this fic, but she is actually two.

We do not own the characters, we just make them do our bidding and act like fools, meaning we own the plot.

Jacob took her to Edward's beloved Volvo? Man, is he going to be in trouble, and not just for the car. There will be a one-shot titled Walking The Boyfriend, to accompany the next chapter. r&r

~DI4MGZ~