Calling His Bluff
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Your dead. Down and out. Pushing grass. Dead.
Goddamnit, and you leave me to deal with it.
Everything is dark. Darker then usual, and it's not because of the hour. I can't breath, images of you flooding my senses like a tidal wave. You smiling. You laughing. You burning. You dying.
I can't do this, I'm realizing, right now, this minute. As I run down the street, across the walkway, police sirens burning my eardrums like bullhorns, I now realize it. I have nothing. Nothing to look foreword to. Nothing to live for. Nothing.
You were my reason, you ass. You were the only reason I put up with this shit. These stupid laws, these spoiled pussies, this...fucking town. I did it cause you would've been alone, by yourself, and I couldn't let that happen.
This...is...how...you...repay...me.
You go running into a goddamn fire like an idiot for a bunch of stupid kids you don't even know. You risk your hide for them...then Pony starts running...what was I supposed to do? You ever think about the guys you do know? The people who actually give a fuck about your pathetic ass?
Goddamnit.
Lights seem to flicker, every moment. Red and blue flash, people are screaming. Screaming like you.
The boys--Pony--you think about them? Did you think for five minutes?
You had to be a wuss, didn't you? You had to be soft. You and Pony. Both of you. Can't go around like that, soft. Folks end up like you when they get soft. Gotta be like me, gotta be tough. Gotta...be...
I got soft, I'm thinking. I got soft enough to care about you. I got soft enough to start crying over you.
Can't do that, you know? You'll end up like you. You'll end up like me.
I'm at the top of the hill, Johnny. What do I do?
There's absolutely nothing I can think of. No reason to try.
My mom, when I was little and she was wasted out of her mind, used to sing to me. I'm thinking about you as I think about her. You asshole.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
"Dally!" Ponyboy is screaming at me. Stupid kid. Too far in this shit. Be better if he never gave a shit. Be better for all of us.
...you make me happy...when skies are grey...
I can't see stars. I can't see anything past these lights. I direct my thoughts towards you, sitting in that gurney, your skin red like a cherry, crusted over and scabbing. You seemed like you were choking on your own air. In pain.
I never liked it when you were hurtin', Johnnycakes. Hurt me too.
...you'll never know dear...
I'd be lying if I said I was trying to stake it out, to move on. It's been hardly an hour and I've already lost it. I can hear the guys, screaming their heads off. They care too much. Shouldn't care about me.
I can't do this, kid. There's nothing left too look out for.
...how much I love you...
At least my mom had the decency to push me away before she went. At least she knew well enough that getting attached hurts to much. All she left me with was that shitass song. You left me with more then I could handle. Ass.
I can't do this. I can't do this. Goddamnit, I can't.
I feel the gun, clenched in between my bloody fist. I'm shaking. I need this to be over. I can't think about you anymore. It's killing me.
In the air...bang...bang...
It doesn't hurt too much. Kind of life being punched in the gut. Except hot. Real hot.
My knees buckle, and I roll down the hill. The gang's feet are getting closer and closer, and spots color my vision.
I see Pony. He'll end up like you. I can tell. The look on his face...he cares too much...he's soft...he'll end up like you, Johnny. Dead and burned.
I want to warn him, to tell him to get his shit together and get tough, but all I can say is his name. His strange little name. Not a moment after it leaves my mouth do my lungs stop. My heart stops. I stop.
They called my bluff. I'm glad they did.
I could have never done it without you.
So please don't take my sunshine away.
A/N Sucks????Rocks????Hurgh???