It's My Fault
Summary: Why did it have to be us?! Haven't we suffered enough? Tag to Episode 4:16 On the Head of a Pin.
A/N: I really liked On the Head of a Pin. And I really did love the ending, I was pretty satisfied. But sometimes I just really wish a character would overreact and just vent their anger, so I wrote this. Plus, they mentally tortured the hell out of Dean in that episode, why wouldn't he be a little bit pissed and upset?
Castiel sat completely still, staring at the man that had been in the hospital not too long ago. He could feel an unfamiliar bond with the man, almost as if he was more than just a guardian angel. More like a father almost, but not quite. But he couldn't get that close to a charge, he'd endanger them both and the war against the demons. His face was in a frown that had normally graced his face lately, but this time it was because of pity and anger he felt towards the man before him.
Anger and frustration twisted Dean Winchester's face, but tears started to form at the rims of his eyes. He had been released from the hospital the day before and Sam had left to get something to eat. The anger was building up, and Castiel just seemed to come at the right moment. Right when he needed to vent the most. Originally he had thought about trashing the motel room, screaming, punching a wall, anything. But now, he had someone that deserved his anger. The one that was in charge of all this, indirectly or not.
His face contorted again as he took in Castiel's almost emotionless face. Turning away from the angel, he looked around the motel room, taking in the ugly wallpaper, the dirty ceilings, and discolored carpet. It was about as close to the embodiment of his life as you could get.
Rubbing a hand down his face, Dean turned around to face Castiel, arms in the air. "Why did it have to be us? Why were we chosen? Why couldn't it have been someone else's family?!" Dean's voice started to grow louder at every new sentence that escaped his lips. "Why did my mother have to die? Why did my father have to die? Why are they trying to make Sammy their freakin' messiah?! Why did I have to go to Hell!? Why did I have to start all this!? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE US!? COULDN'T YOU RUIN SOMEONE ELSE'S GODDAMNED LIFE!? HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH!?"
Castiel just continued to stare at Dean, waiting for the man to continue his angry rant. Even when Dean used the Lord's name in vain, he didn't flinch. He didn't even know if he was truly an angel anymore. He couldn't tell which way was up and down. Everything was so confusing; Castiel didn't know who to trust. Other than Anna. And Dean.
Dean glared at Castiel. It seemed that Castiel's inaction fueled him more. "Why are you and your God letting all this shit happen?! Sam didn't deserve to die! Sam doesn't deserve this life!" He paused, taking a breath. "Why did my family have to suffer through the tortures of Hell?! Why was I chosen to break the first seal!? Why didn't you save me in time?! How could you let his happen?! IS THERE EVEN A GOD!?"
Castiel's met with Dean's momentarily before he looked down at the carpet. Was there a God? Castiel wasn't even sure anymore. Well he had no doubt that there was a God. But was there one anymore? Was he still looking out for them? He wasn't calling all the shots apparently. Not after Uriel. There was mutiny amongst the angels and Castiel wasn't sure who to trust. Who was actually trying to fight in the name of God? And who was just trying to allow the demons to succeed and overtake Heaven? And the fact that he hadn't ever seen God was also nagging at him. There weren't many angels that actually saw him, but were there really any angels that actually saw him? Or were they all folk lore? When did this get so confusing? Disobedience was never an option, but now, now it's the only solution.
"Cas! Oh God, what have I done?" Dean spoke quietly, falling to his knees. The realization that he had started the apocalypse finally hit him, hard. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head, while his body shook from his sobs.
Castiel's eyes moved towards the fallen figure of his charge and his thoughts ceased. Why was he thinking about himself when he could sense that Dean needed some help?
"Why did I have to do it? Why wasn't I strong enough? Why couldn't I just last a little longer?" Dean wept into his hands as he felt his legs shake. He just couldn't take it anymore. He was told by his father that he had to kill Sam if he didn't save him, but Sam wasn't the one needing destruction. It was himself. Dean. "Why wasn't I good enough? I disappointed you! I'm not good enough! I shouldn't be part of this family! I—" his words were silenced by the sobs that echoed out of his chest. "I—I never should have…been born."
Castiel was fairly certain that Dean had completely forgotten that he was there. There was no reason for the eldest Winchester to break down like that around him. And at first Castiel had thought he was talking to him, or even to God, but there was someone closer to his heart that Dean was yelling at. His father. Affairs of the heart are normally best if left to those who know best, but Dean's last words: "I never should have been born."
The angel's frown deepened into his face, causing an almost statuesque like appearance. He got to his feet and moved towards the broken man. Placing a flat hand upon his charge's back, Castiel kneeled down, unsure of what to do. His fingers became tense as they lay upon Dean's back limply. "Dean, you can end this."
"My dad should have ended this a long time ago." He continued to mask his tears behind his hands and continued to sob, although they started to slow.
"Dean, you are the only person that can stop the apocalypse."
"I'm the reason it's even a threat!" Dean yelled, throwing his head out from the safety of his hands. He glared at Castiel before standing up and backing up. He moved towards the bathroom and his back hit into the door. Sliding down it slowly, Dean's eyes glazed over as he stared blankly at the wall.
"Dean—"
"Just go." Dean said, his voice even, but angry.
"This isn't—"
"Isn't it?" A new fire seemed to burn behind Dean's words, and the glossy look disappeared immediately. "This is all my fault! Everything!" He rolled his head and turned away from the angel, feeling the tears start to come quicker. "I'm tired of burying my friends! I'm tired of saying goodbye! I'm tired of watching people die for my sins! Why are they getting punished for what I did!? Why am I still alive? I should have stayed in Hell!"
Castiel shook his head and took a step closer to the eldest Winchester. "Dean…"
"Get out of here! Go!" Dean yelled so loudly and menacingly, that Castiel almost flinched. Taking the sad hint, Castiel decided to leave his normal way. Not truly deciding on a place to go next—not knowing what was safe and what was not—Castiel just moved himself away from the hurting Winchester. He and his crusade had injured the man enough.