A/N: Written for a prompt on the kink meme, the gist of which went like this: Souji is dying from a sickness and only has a year
It always starts with a cough, he muses, in the films and the books. The quickest, easiest way to show that your character is gravely ill is to have them cough heavily, spill blood and then zoom in while ominous music plays. It had started with a cough with him as well though far less dramatically. Then came the other symptoms, then the hospital and a diagnosis.
"Well if it is terminal then there's no point in us wasting money on useless treatments is there?" his mother had stated matter-of-factly. Souji remembers the doctor looking shocked at that. He remembers his father's disgruntled sigh. He remembers how, even after knowing exactly what his parents were like, it had still managed to hurt.
Given a fortnight to think it over, however, he had agreed with his mother. He doesn't really want to spend his last moments in a hospital bed. What would be the point of that? And when his mother had asked if he wanted to go abroad with them (with eyes that silently begged him to say no), he'd refused that too. He won't spend any more time with people who would see him as a chore, as a burden, than he has to.
The doctor had tried to convince them otherwise. A year, he had said. You'll only have a year at best. That's fine, he had thought. He didn't want to die but he hadn't much felt like living either. Ambivalent, that's how he had felt about the whole issue. A year had seemed like plenty of time.
It doesn't feel like that anymore. It's not enough anymore. He has less than six months left and it's not enough time. He has so much left to do and he knows that he'll never get to do them. How ironic that the less time he has, the more he feels like living.
He hasn't told anyone here yet. At first it had been because he hadn't expected to become so close to anyone. Then it had been because, as Leader, he couldn't show any weakness (and he'd been scared, so scared that they'd stop depending on him if they found out how frail he really was) and now…now it's just too painful to.
He knows that they won't abandon him anymore. They'll do worse. They'll worry, they'll make him stay behind and he can't do that when they're so close to finding the culprit. As egotistical as it sounds, he knows that they need him in the TV world. With twelve Personae all to himself he's not just their Leader, he's their biggest powerhouse. And somehow, he just knows that he has to be the one to end this. He just hopes that his body will hold out until then. So he keeps his mouth shut.
Besides, they're already making themselves sick worrying about Nanako and Dojima who are in the hospital, who actually have a chance of survival (unlike him). Telling his friends now risks exposing the truth to the two of them and he can't let them worry about anything other than their own recovery. Worrying about Souji would just be an exercise in futility. He just has to pull it together for a little longer. Just a little longer.
Souji asks himself sometimes, if after they've caught the culprit, after his family (his real family) is out of the hospital, if he'll them the truth then. Maybe. Probably. They deserve the truth. How hypocritical of him, to be searching for the truth yet hiding something so vital from those closest to you.
"Senpai, are you alright?" his vision swims as he glances up at the voice. Kanji, his mind supplies a little later. He's been getting so sluggish nowadays. He glances around to find all of their concerned eyes on him.
"Zoned out there on us, partner," Yosuke tells him.
"Sorry," he winces. "Guess I'm just a little…tired."
"Are you still worrying about Nanako-chan?" Chie nods sympathetically with a pucker between her eyes.
Is it selfish of him, he wonders. Is what he's doing a kindness to them or a cruelty?
"Yeah," he lies easily, rubbing his face. Is he a terrible person for being relieved that he can blame his sallowness, his dark circles, his rapid weight loss on Nanako and Dojima?
"I'm sure Nanako-chan will be better in no time," Yukiko chimes in enthusiastically, always eager to get their minds off of unpleasantness. "We were just talking about going to the beach with her once she's better. Of course it might have to wait a while. We could do it next summer…"
"But Senpai won't be there!" Rise protests loudly, her bottom lip jutting out petulantly.
"Don't be stupid," Yosuke rolls his eyes. "He's going to visit obviously. Aren't you?" He looks worried all of a sudden and they all turn to look at him expectantly.
It takes Souji all of his strength to summon up a smile. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
He wants more time.
A/N: My exams are coming up but once they've ended, I hope to continue this piece. Lately, I seem to saying that about all of my works. Well I hope you guys enjoyed this!