Sometimes, when Pain becames truly unbearable, when his heart is about to tear out his chest and all breath is trapped; he will go to his cuarters, lock the door and sit on the bed. And then he would simply stare into the wall.
Never the one facing the window though. The brightness of a new dawn, the clear blue of the sky, he couldn´t stand them anymore. Those were not for him. Many times had he asked for the room to be rearranged, so he wouldn´t have to face that damn window every damn morning. But his brother insisted "Oh let it be Nelyo please, surely some light will be good for you"
Always he insists "Any more darkness in here and I swear our cousin will run an exploration!"
But Antarfindë was no more. And Macalaurë had no idea of what was good for him.
He didn´t have any idea of what was good for him.
Not even Finno knew anymore. ((And in some hidden part of his mind, he wondered if Father would have, he always seemed to know everything, always so sure...not like him. He wasn´t sure about anything nowadays))
Nothing seemed to make sense any longer, always changing, intangible, dancing between his fingers. Mocking him and dissapearing out of reach, before he could touch. ((But he only has one hand and only five fingers and ten toes remain and he doesn´t think they will be enough. They never were))
Everything seems to be a play these days.
He plays to be a soldier, and a politician, and a general and a friend and a brother.
He plays being a leader, and the family figurehead ((can a family be made just of two he wonders?))
The words he speaks taste like sand. His strategies build castles that so easily crumble.
Pathetic
Sometimes he plays ((played)), to be a lover too. And his perfomance is ((was)), so good, even he believes it.
...
He stares at the wall white as marble and swallows his sand and his words and the terrible- oh so terrible- cry that goes along with it all. He swallows until those too reach the great stone his belly is so heavy with. And although the urge to vomit is as present as ever, he does is too afraid of the emptiness.
He stares, not making a sound, praying to whoever deity still listens for the bless of sleep. So in those precious seconds while regaigning consciousness again he could be Nelyafinwë and Nelyo and Maitimo once more. If only just for a moment, so he doesn´t have to be Maedhros.
Because Maedhros was cold and hard and distant and oh so very ugly. Maedhros knew not how to laugh or smile or be there when he was needed ((always always late, always not- good-enough)). Maedhros only knew of pain and suffering and oaths and hurt and dissapointment.
And everything else Maedhros doesn´t know, he pretends.
Maedhros was not real, just an illusion, a proyection. He had to be because oh God, he can not remember when everything came to that, and it can not be real, please don´t let it be real because he does not think he could ever stand being Maedhros.
He hates him, loathes him, so much.
As Kano calls him Nelyo he wants to flinch, he wants to curse and tear off his hair apart by the roots.
When Finno had so lovely whispered Maitimo - specially with that low tone of his, late in the night, when no one else could hear- ...He had had to be extra careful not to break his abdomen in a million parts and get that fucking stone out of him. With his bare hand if necessary, right then and there.
But Maedhros was great at pretending.
Pretending it doesn´t hurt. Pretending he is fine. Pretending he still knows what he is doing. Pretending he still knows why he is doing it. Pretending that he is there.
More than often he has to make sure he wasn´t shouting.
Because Nelyafinwë turned to ashes and floated away ,just like father did , ((Please do not leave me alone Ada)) and Maitimo was crushed ,like uncle ((was it worth it?, please tell me, I need to know)). They killed them and then they shaped him into Maedhros and he is a fake.
Maedhros, Nelyofinwë, Maitimo, wass-not-real.
Actually, very little things were these days. It was ever confusing.
The swelling of his heart was real.
-The oath was real-
The stone inside his stomach was real, real and ever growing
-The oath was real-
His scars ((oh God why are they everywhere)) were real
His brothers...His younger brothers had been real ((H HoW... wHeRE had hE been?))
And Finno-
The stump where his right hand was supposed to be was very real.
-The oath was real-
Kano is real still, the others are gone, shattered like defective mirror pieces and burned away like dry leaves. Macalaurë continues by his side tough. His little brother, - his adorable little brother who would sing to him until he could feel his surrondings no longer, until he won´t remember any other sound apart from his voice- . Even if remaining so makes him forever miserable. However he isMaglor now.
Finno...Findekano had been real. The realest of them all, always he has been, when he was, always... He, he is, was, so... He ca n no t -
He can not lose them. Real, real they are, he need them in order not to dissapear. He need them.
They are the ony things left and he .LOse.ThEm.
He needs the way back. He is trying to; to find it, to find the way back.
For them
He is trying so very very hard.
Everything Maedhros does only sink them further, kill them faster, taint them redder. And: Oh, He hates him so much.
If only he could kill him.
...
Sometimes Maedhros stares at the white wall of his room. Sometimes the Pain is too strong and when he tries to swallow he can´t. The pain is unbearable but remains inside and he cAn nOt reach it, and when, this time, he tries to vomit he can´t
Then he begins tearing apart. Let´s pain become real again
/ The wall is white no longer /
Th3 oAtH iS ReAL
When Findekano died,
and he found his crushedcrashedcracked, broken , limp body laying in a mass of red pulp. He thought he was dreaming, and for a moment felt truly relieved.
Because surely, it couldn´t be real.
Because surely, those golden ribons on the ground couldn´t be Finno´s. It just coULdn´T bE.
So he stared, and stared. And everyone, every soldier under his command was staring at him too in return, as if waiting for some terrible thing to happen, ak.
It was happening though.
EvEryThiNg WaS sHaMBling.
Yet he was not shouting.
It was Moryo the one who broke the fantasy though, "Are you alright brother?" That little phrase had lost all meaning to him due overuse, but he turned his gaze and stared into his brother´s eyes anyway. There was a confusion on his face that he could not place.
'Ah but of course', because his little brother hadn´t realiced yet who is-
Oh GOD
Again-
"Brother" the voice is more strangled now. He wants to explain to him, to tell him 'I´m fine', as he always had, because surely this couldN´T be HAppening.
Yet, no sound comes out of his mouth.
And when he tries to question Moryo about it, he realizes all the late that his brother is just a blur. H e can n o im.
What...? Something is wrong, with his eyes.
SomEThinG is wRoNg
And yet no sound comes out, even though he wants to sHOut and tear the sky appart, and curse him and the Enemy and the Valar and Eru Himself. No sound comes out.
He had become far too good at swallowing.
'It´s better this way though' always he reminds himself. No scream nor shout nor cry - any living creature - could produce could have make h i m any justice.
So now Maedhros has to cut open, and pry and mutilate. Because he can not shout. Because he can not vomit. Because he wasn´t real.
...
And if Kano is once aware of the scars and the red tissue that haven´t been there before. He never questions.
/ Th3 EnD is NEaR /
He can feel it, on his bones, on his hands.
ThE oAtH
Almost there.
They are almost done, al-most doNE.
ThE oAtH ThE oAtH
It´s over now, the War is won.
/ A Silmaril. This swear we all… /
They weren´t the ones who ended Him, the Enemy, they weren´t the ones who brought Him down, they weren´t the ones who reclaimed tHeM -((the silmarils, the jewels, father´s work, father´s oAtH, father´s soul. They have to get tHeM bAcK. They hAve tO))- Yet it doesn´t matter, not who not how
/ Be he foe or fRiENd, be he foul or clean /
They have to get them back
Once they do, it will be all over. It- It will be. I to.
His brother is nervious, does not want to continue. Maedhros is aware.
"We can still amend, not everything is lost. Think of the children Nelyo. What would the children say"
/ Neither law, nor love, nor league of swords /
But they were never theirs ((they have no right, no right to trap them like that. The oAtH is theirs alone))
"Please brother I beg you, no more. Let the herald take them Nelyo. Please"
/ Elda or Maia or Aftercomer /
"We swore Kano, can´t you remember? We swore. We swore twice"
" I- We can´t. They will hate us, they too. We have done enough already. They will loathes us even more so. The twins. We...we could go to them now"
The twins ((which twins are you referring to Kano?)).
"Think about the twins brother" The twins he says.
/ Darkness doom us if our deed faileth…/
"THINK YOU ABOUT OUR FAMILY" He roars, and his brother is frozen. And his brother is CrYiNg.
/ Woe unto world's END! /
...We have to end it.
/ This sWeAr wE alL /
They are running, like burglars, like criminals, like the murderers they are. And the feeling is Oh so exilarating.
It had been so long, too long, since the last time they have felt alive. Feeling like living and breathing and- is that a smile on Kano´s face?- Because Finally Finally Finally
ThE oAtH ThE oAtH ThE oAtH
"We´ve done it, they are ours now Nelyo!"
They have done it. Done Done Done !
((Father, Brothers, do you sEe it? We´ve mAdE it -ThE oAtH- We have dONE it. All for you. EVERYthing. It´s over now))
They have done it, they are far enough, out of reach. They can stop, they can stop running now-
Even if everything else is an inferno around them. They can stop now.
We have done it
Holding, holding them is the only thing letf, get them out of this blasted chest –((but it´s difficult with just one hand so he breaks it, crushs it on the hot ground. As he have been doing with everything)) and then it will -
" Ay... Br-Brother"
...No
" Ay Nelyo, s-something is. I..I what´s wrong? Why?"
N-O
" My hand, I dont, I don´t think it means to...to feel like-"
It BuRNS
"Nelyo. It can not, it can´t. IT´S HURTING ME"
IT bURNS
Th3 JEwEl is bUr-NiNg
" OH GOD, Nelyo please. Please do something, you have to-" His brother is on the ground "-You have to-" He is sobbing, he is crying "Oh God Nelyo my hands. My hands"
...
This can not be real.
This can not be happening, cAnNoT
It can not.
Everything, all they have done until- Everything.
((For nothing))
Tyelko, Curvo, Moryo. Telyo
((For nothing))
Ambarto- UmBartO
((It can not be. Please, please don´t let it be so. - For nothing- . Please it can not. He...He can´t))
Finno...Finno Finno Finno
(( All for nothing. All because of nothing))
Nelyafinwë. Maitimo
((Everything -He- It was all for nothing))
...Father ((Why father? Why are you bUrNinG Us. Why are you bUrNinG the s-S-ships?))
For nothing
...
His little brother is crying. His little brother is shouting, he is shouting so loudly the earth is bleeding all around him.
'Kano please, don´t do that...your voice, your beautiful voice Kano, you are going to ruin it'
He wanted to shout as well, he wanted to cry out.
But how could he ?
ThE oAtH
His HAnD is bUrNinG
ThE oAtH
He can do nothing, he tried everything already and now is- ((late, late, too late always late))-
His family. His friends. His love. Himself.
They are all death and it was ((For NoThiNg. They dIEd because of the jEwElS and they meant NoThiNg))
((They aren´t wo ))
What kind of cry could contain THAT?
His HAnD is bUrNinG
Kano is screaming, crumbling like millions pieces of glass, and he never thought the voice of his second sibling could ever sound like THAT
" NELYO. PLEASE. Nelyo"
His HAnD is bUrNinG sO M U CH
The earth is breaking.
Everything is red and hot and painful and familiar (( I´m back thEr3 AgAin. BAcK at the MoUnTAiN))
"IT HURTS"
Maedhros doesn´t know what to do. What kind of pain could contain THAT? What kind of tearing could express THAT?
ThE oAtH ThE oAtH ThE oAtH
The jEwEL lays next to his little brother. But he can not let go. He wOn´T. Ain.
" Please Nelyo, do SOMETHING. You said- You said once we got them…y-you s a id""
'But Nelyo isn´t here Kano, he never was'
"You have to- MAKE IT ALRIGHT"
What kind of words could contain THAT?
His HAnD is bUrNinG sO M U CH
His RigHt HAnD.
The RigHt.The RigHt. The RIGHT .
Not the left, never the left.
Everything is burning. The fire is very near, and very real behind him.
His RigHt HAnD is bUrNinGbUrNinGbUrNinG and i t´s H rts s ooo m uuu ch
Everything is hot and red around him and Maedhros can not-
/ "Russandol..."/
He takes an step back
/ "Russo..." /
And another, and another. And then he is turning around.
/ "So red Russo, so beautiful, like fire" /
"...Nelyo, what. What are you doing?"
/ "It´s like you were burning Russo" /
"Please?...Ma- Maedhros"
'Ah yes', he could be...he can be Russandol, once more.
He can be Russandol. Russandol Feänorion.
"Your...-" His brother swallows, the voice is a whisper now. He can not hear it " Your left hand brother...You- You have to let go or-"
But he wOn´T. Ain
His RigHt HAnD is bUrNinG
Russandol turns back. He is not crying, the vapors of the chasm had made his eyes water.
He is smilling
Ambarto. Father. Nelyafinwë. Maitimo. Finno. Tyelko. Moryo. Curvo. Telyo. Maedhros
It seems fitting Kanafinwë , is the last thing he will face in this world.
His lovely little brother. Russandol is smilling. He loves him so very much.
" ...I am sorry Kano"
" W-... wH ? At-"
Then he is falling.
And falling. And falling. And-
Ahh there...finally he can. Finally it comes out-
The Scream
' I´m home '