For as long as I can remember, he's always been there, but not really there. She hangs up pictures of him throughout the tiny house, my dreams are haunted by his face, every topic is changed to be about him.
She never even attempts to answer my real questions.
Like, who is my mother?
Where was I born?
Why are you so obsessed with this guy?
The last question always sends her into a mood, one of those where she rants and raves about how they were in love, but he had no choice but to choose another.
This guy, as she tells me is Voldemort. My father.
..
Sleep is not an easy feat. Especially not with the sounds of pans crashing together and Bellatrix cursing downstairs.
At the end of each day, I'm never tired.
Call it weird, but it seems my thoughts need time to gather at this point in the day.
To think up, and try to visualize each lie and truth Bellatrix has told me.
To sort them into little piles of nothingness.
To try to clear her little lies out of my system.
For that's how she does it. Two truth's and a lie. That's how she controls me.
Your father was killed by a man named Harry Potter..
Truth.
Your father wasn't a pureblood, but no matter..
Truth..?
The world is dangerous place, full of criminals and those who hate purebloods like us..
Lie?
You were created for but one purpose, at that was to destroy him.. Harry Potter.
To her, my destiny is completely planned out to her, from start to finish. I can't help it. I want to scream at her, what if I don't want that? What if I want a normal life, like the kids on TV?
So I can't help the natural hatred towards anyone with the last name Potter. The natural affection towards any pure blood. The anger towards blood-filth, such as the Weasley's.
You see, its never been my choice.
Never been, never will.
She say's I've been created for on sole purpose..
For some reason this quote always seems to come back to me. Is it truly possible to have one purpose in life? Do I want that for myself? She says that life is a series of irreversible choices. Then why can't I have a choice?
and that is to destroy the Potter's and any that opposed your father's way of life.
At five, Bellatrix made a point of teaching me every Unforgivable Spell in the book, and forcing me to do them on the muggles and wizards she deemed worthless enough for this task.
I can still remember those pleading eyes. The emptiness of them when I finished the spell.
Do I have a conscience? Do I have a soul?
"No." Bellatrix usually responds to these questions. "just like your father. He was a monster. Just like you. My little monster."