The world is not enough
"You can say it, you know." The younger man looked him directly in the eyes. He had to look away or otherwise he would betray himself.
"Say what?" He tried to play innocent but he knew that the other man knew just too well what he was feeling.
"Maybe that you don't want me to go." He tried to caress his cheek but was harshly pushed away.
"As if. I don't care where you are going, when you are going or with who you are going. It is none of my business." His voice sounded cold. He finally managed to keep his feelings under the wrap.
"Well then I don't understand why you are so moody and why you look like you would want to bite the next person's head off." He smirked. He knew that he was not indifferent. He knew that he cared. But this attitude was part of the problem.
"Whatever." He just managed to spat the word out before he turned away and stomped to the locker room.
He couldn't believe it. He refused to believe it. But seeing everyone making this big fuss about him tonight made it impossible to ignore it any longer. He was going. He knew it for a long time now but he worked hard to not let reality hit home.
He still could remember the conversation with him. They were laying in bed together. He had waited for this moment. He knew that he wouldn't be able to throw a fit after an orgasm so he just waited for that moment to come.
"Randy?" He drew lazy patterns on his chest. His voice was a bit unsteady but Randy was far too lost in his afterglow. He wouldn't notice anything.
"Hm?"
"I think we need to talk." Evan gulped hard.
"Now? Can't that wait? Why ruin it with talking." Evan knew that the talking side of what you could call a relationship was not Randy's strong point. He hardly ever would say what he felt or what he thought. But Evan was grateful for every tiny bit that he could get from Randy. Until now.
He took a deep breath before leaving the warm embrace and sat up. He watched down on the beautiful body in front of him. For a second he was not sure anymore if he was doing the right thing. But closing his eyes all the thoughts came back rushing into his mind and he knew that he didn't have another choice than this.
"I am leaving." Evan's words were hanging in the air. Randy was not sure if he heard them. He was sure he must have heard something different. Because in his head it sounded as if Evan had said that he was leaving. Who was he leaving? Him? The WWE? Where was he going?
"Evan? Stop kidding. You really had me for a second. Leaving? You?" Randy closed his eyes and hoped if he just pretended enough everything wouldn't come true.
"I am leaving. I spoke with Hunter this morning and they are willing to let me get out of my contract. I also spoke with a few friends at Dragon Gate and they would be more than happy to take me back." Evan closed his eyes. This was harder then he thought it would be.
"Japan?" Randy was not quick enough and before he knew the word was out of his mouth.
"Japan." Evan stated as a matter of fact.
"See, Randy. I just need to do this. Here in the WWE I am just going nowhere. I need opponents who can actually work with my style. I need chances to show what I can do inside the ring. I need a place where my talent is enough and people don't look at my height and decide that I can't do anything anyway." Evan slowly got off the bed and started to collect his clothes that were scattered around the floor.
"Please. You need to understand me. It is just something I need to do for myself. I can't stay here just waiting for my time to be over. I need to get out of here. I can't stay." He started getting dressed again while Randy still didn't know what just happened around him. It felt like the whole world just started spinning around him and he had no clue how to stop it. Everything just slipped away from him. One second he was content and relaxed and in the next second his world were crumbling around him. He was not able to say anything.
Evan finally finished getting dressed and stood at the end of the bed looking down on Randy.
"I will miss you, you know." Longingly he watched down on his lover who still hadn't said anything nor had he moved.
"But I still need to do this. I am sorry." He turned away and left the hotel room to quietly sneak back to his own room he shared with Jack.
"Did you tell him?" Jack was still awake watching some baseball game he had taped on his laptop earlier.
"Yes." Evan sighed and fell on his bed.
"How did he take it?" Jack looked at him worryingly. He knew what Evan felt for the tall man but he also was quiet sure that Evan was way too good for that bloody bastard who still didn't commit to Evan properly.
"He didn't take it at all. He didn't say a word. He was just laying there not doing anything at all." Evan laid his hands over his face. "Please don't tell me "I told you so"."
"Why would I do this?" Jack questioned him.
"Because you said that I shouldn't get involved with him in the first place. You warned me that he would just break my heart. And see what happened? I say I am leaving and he can't even be bothered to say some crap like "Oh that's sad" or "I will miss the sex with you". That tells me quiet clearly what he really thinks about me doesn't it." Evan tried to stay calm but he could feel his voice getting more hysteric with every second.
"I think you are not seeing it right." Jack smiled at the small person on the other bed who was like a little brother to him. "I think he loves you very dearly and he can't take it that you are leaving."
Evan laughed bitterly. "Yeah, love."
"Yeah, love. But what did you expect. You two hardly ever speak to each other. Did you ever tell him how you feel about him and that he is far more than just a fuck buddy for you?"
"He should know that." Evan gave stubbornly back.
"Right. Why should he know? You never told him. He is not as vain as you think he is. He wouldn't assume automatically that everyone who wants to have sex with him on a regular basis loves him. And do you really think that he would declare his undying love for you the moment you declare that you are practically leaving him? You're a nob!" Jack couldn't understand why two people so smart were not able to see that they were a match made in heaven.
"Hm. I guess you might be right." Evan said.
"I might?" Jack raised his eyebrow.
"Okay, I guess you are right. But what am I doing know?"
"Oh god, it is so good that you started wrestling and didn't go to college at all. You would have failed big time, my little puppy." Jack laughed while a pillow flew into his direction.
"Talk to him. Explain why you go and that it has nothing to do with him."
Nothing to do with him. If it were that simple.
It had been a month since this conversation. Evan tried to talk to him but Randy was just not having any of it. They were still seeing each other and Evan was quiet sure that the older man showed him in his specific way that he was sad to see him go but he never said a word. He just held him more closer when they were together and his kisses were more passionate then ever. But every time he tried to say something his lips would quieten him or Randy would just go away leaving him alone like an idiot.
Evan had hoped that tonight would be different. It was his last night with the WWE and he was saying goodbye to all his friends and colleagues. If they wouldn't be able to speak today then they wouldn't talk at all and he just couldn't stand the thought of that. And if he had to lock the viper in his hotel room tonight he would listen to what he had to say.
"What do you want?" Randy starred angrily down on him.
"It's my last evening." Evan tried to find a bit courage again but failed miserably.
"And?" Randy still didn't make any effort to let the other man into his room. He hadn't even been at the party Jack had organised for his friend down at the hotel bar.
Evan sighed heavily.
"Randy, please. We need to talk." He wiped his hand over his face. He felt so tired.
"Don't know what we have to talk. So could you please just fuck off." Randy turned around and was just about to close the door.
"I love you..." He had no clue where this came from. It was just there. There on his tongue, in the air and most prominent in his heart. He closed his eyes to wait for the reaction.
Randy just stopped in his motion. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Not now.
"Why are you leaving then?" His voice was low and Evan could see his shoulders just slumped down.
"Because I have to... Can I just not come in? It's really not a topic I want to discuss in a hallway." Randy made his way in his room again and left the door open. Evan just followed.
And there they were. Standing in the middle of a hotel room. They had been here a million times before but still this felt so different from everything else. They knew they were not here to fuck their brains out but to have a proper conversation. Something they have never done before despite having shared so many intimate moments.
"Why are you telling me this now?" Randy still didn't look at the younger man and Evan had problems to read his face.
"Well it seemed like the last opportunity." He tried to smile but it was just a strange smirk on his face.
"The last opportunity. Why did you say it then at all? Why couldn't you keep quiet?"
"Because even though I am going it doesn't change anything. I still love you." Evan hoped he would understand. "I just needed to make sure that you know. And I needed to know if you share my feelings." His voice was trembling but he didn't care. He had past the point of no return by saying the stupid three words. Now he could walk the whole way down.
"I... God, what a difference does it make?" Randy sighed.
"It makes a huge difference. It makes a huge difference for me." Evan stepped a bit closer. He was so close he could almost feel the warmth coming from the other body.
"If I say it, will you stay?" Finally Randy looked up and looked right into the two chocolate brown eyes that haunted him in his dreams every night since he saw them for the first time. His heart started beating faster. Was this the way out? Was this his final chance to keep the man by his side? He prayed to god that it was because he had no clue what he would do without him in his life.
"No." Evan looked down to the floor but he could still feel the tension rise in the room.
"Then why are you here? It doesn't make a difference, not for me. I rather have you not loving me but staying with me then loving me and leaving me. It all doesn't make sense. What are you trying to do here? You wanna tortoure me? Well done then. You have a great way of doing so." Randy just turned away and tried to stay calm. He could feel the anger built up inside of his chest.
"Randy." Evan laid his hand on his should just to be brushed away.
"I still love you. But can't you see that I have to go. For our sake. Not just for myself."
"No, I can't. You could stay here if you really love me as you just said you do. But it is really hard to believe when you are just dumping me at the same time."
"I'm not dumping you for god's sake. We weren't even together properly. And do you know why? Because you are too ashamed of who you are with." Evan couldn't believe that he just said that.
"What?" Randy turned around and looked at him in total suprise. "What are you saying? Are you mad?"
"I am not mad. I am completely sane. But think about it. You never told anyone about us. It was always a secret. I know that this comes with our job but you didn't even tell John or Cody. You told nobody. They all know that you are bi and I am certainly not the first guy in your life. But you never told anyone!" Evan could feel the anger inside rising.
"That has nothing to do with anything here. I never told anyone..." Randy couldn't think of any good reason.
"See. That's what I mean. You don't have a reason. You just never wanted to tell anyone. That's fine. But believe me. I will come back and then you will be happy to be with someone like me. You will be bragging about being with me and not ashamed." Evan turned around and ran to the door. He couldn't take it anymore. He just wanted to get away. He opened the door and smashed it behind him. He walked a few steps but he could feel his legs giving away. He tried to steady himself on the wall but slowly he slided down to the floor. He could feel the tears building up and he couldn't do anything about it.
"One day," he swore to himself. "One day I will be good enough to be loved by you. One day you will be proud of me. I promise."
Randy tried to walk after Evan but as soon as the door closed in front of him he could feel his legs giving away and he fell to the floor. What had just happened? He couldn't believe it. He had lost everything. And he lost it because of that. He couldn't believe that Evan thought he was ashamed when all he was was being frightened to death. He didn't want anyone interfere in their relationship. He wanted to keep them safe in their little bubble. He never wanted to loose the other man. But by trying to protect them he had destroyed them. He could feel the tears building up inside of him and he tried to force them down again but he was not strong enough.
"One day," he swore to himself. "One day I will be brave enough to be loved by you. One day you will be proud of me. I promise."