From darkness to dawn.
Blaine had always been a particular kind of person, liking his bedroom clean and having an order, a specific place for everything. A messy room meant a bad day in Blaine's mind. His dad would shout if he left anything were it wasn't supposed to be. Every since moving to Mckinley High and meeting the love of his life Kurt things had gotten a lot better for both of them. There romance somehow made the untidiness of life not seem like an issue for Blaine, he still liked things in order but he didn't mind as much if his order was interrupted for a short while. When the now engaged couple moved to New York to attend the college of the dreams it seemed unreal, like someone had written the perfect timeline which was coming to fruition. He was going to an amazing city doing what he loved with the man he loved. But New York and new anxieties took its toll on Blaine and sent his OCD to new levels.
Blaine woke up in his and Kurt's Bush-wick loft apartment in readiness for the busy day ahead at NYADA. Blaine woke up 10 minutes earlier to have a long ritual shower, to scrub his body clean of the dirt and germs that surrounded him. Kurt made there breakfast of strawberries and yogurt, with exactly 6 strawberries, just what Blaine liked. But this day he'd woke up under a dark cloud. He had had days like this while back and Dalton Academy, like his fear of the world was crushing a heavy stone on top of him. Like for reasons unknown breathing and living had all got to much. This worried Blaine because this wasn't the first time this had happened this week, he had suffered with depression before and he could feel the anxiety rise inside him like a helium balloon.
"Im going to stay home today, not feeling great" Blaine said while Kurt tied a neck tie around his pale skin.
"Again, thats twice you've missed classes this week" Kurt said with concern.
"Yeah Ive got an essay to write anyway"
Kurt was so busy these days, when he wasn't attending classes he was juggling shifts from the spotlight diner and vogue. They saw each other often and Kurt had noticed Blaine increase in organisation but living in New York was a constant race to catch up with life. Kurt kissed Blaine as he left the loft, Blaine then took a second shower and just stood still in the shower for a while, just letting the steady stream of water cover his eyes. His thoughts were else were with a tightness in his chest contracting fast as he though about the mess that had been left in the kitchen, it was then that Blaine noticed he had gone in the shower still wearing socks.
After showering Blaine dressed in sweat pants and an old jumper of Kurt's. He thought that wearing something of Kurt's, feeling were his high school sweet hearts fuller body used to sit before he lost the weight. The smell of Kurt's scent filled his nostrils but still didn't bring his head back to reality. Whenever Blaine felt like this, the only way he could describe it was feeling untidy and low, like the dissorginzation would change something. But also he was drowning, struggling for breath while everyone around him lived there lives without noticing. They only thing that took his mind of these thoughts was tidying, he washed his hands and begun organising his bow ties. He had a full draw dedicated to his numerous bow ties which were all spread out in the order he had done yesterday, but his desire to make them evenly spaced drove him crazy.
He then arranged Kurt's record collection, cleaning them for 5 minutes per record then placing them into alphabetical order in the rack. It was this exact moment that Blaine felt calm for a second, with a cloth and cleaning products he felt content. He was sure he was crazy but for a few minutes at least he felt safe and happy. Blaine looked in the fridge for lunch and was horrified by what he saw. He didn't often look in the fridge because it often caused him to have panic attacks seeing uneven amounts of food, with expiration dates only a day away from being out of date. He grabbed a plastic bag and filled it with the whole contents of the fridge without thinking. He grabbed his coat and went to the supermarket down the road.
Blaine loved the supermarket, how everything was so neatly in place, you could find what you wanted so quickly. They only thing he didn't like was knowing that so many other people had touched the food, which is why he always picked each item from the back of the shelf, minimising risk of too many people touching it. He wandered around the building buying food for himself and kurt, only now feeling bad for throwing away Kurt's peanut butter then needing to replace it.
When walking through the loft door after having a successful cleaning day Blaine felt better than he had this morning, and felt that the black cloud over his head could be shifting slightly.
"Just a bad day, tomorrow will be better" He told himself when unpacking his shopping bags.
4:24, Kurt should be back in 6 minutes which was plenty of time to clean the kitchen tops again.
Kurt came though the sliding door and beamed when he saw his Fiancé arms open to hug him as he entered. Kurt could smell the cleaning smell which was becoming a regular occurrence when he retuned home. He changed into his sweat pants and comfy t-shirt and grabbed a record to play during dinner. As he did so Blaine watched him disrupt the order he had established earlier. Then Kurt walked to the kitchen and emptied his bag on the work top Blaine had just cleaned up. Blaine's eye saw red as he stared at the sandwich box full of crumbs, a half eaten chocolate bar now melting onto the side when he could no longer hold him tongue.
"Can you not see I've just cleaned there!" Kurt did not expect the shouting coming from the others mouth.
"Im going to clean it up after tea ready for tomorrow" He replied with a calmer tone.
"Theres chocolate melting right as we speak!"
"And i said i will clean it up"
Blaine couldn't shift the feeling that kurt was messing up the order he had worked at all day.
"I cleaned and organised all of your records today" Blaine said a bit calmer
"Thanks"
"YOU DIDNT EVEN NOTICE! YOU MESSED THEM UP, I SPENT ALL DAY CLEANING AND YOU'VE COME HOME AND MESSED IT ALL UP"
Kurt stood still shocked by Blaine's outburst, he knew that blaine could be a pain when it came to putting things back were they belonged, but he had never snapped like his was doing now.
"I WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPERMARKET TO BUY FOOD BECAUSE YOU LEFT THE FRIDGE A MESS" Blaine shouted suddenly feeling a tightening in his chest.
"The fridge wasn't a mess, there was nothing wrong with it" Kurt looked conceded as his fiancé got more and more high rate.
"Y..YES.. I..IT WAS" Blaine was struggling to breath, feeling a full blown panic attack. Blaine knelt to the floor and stopped speaking, he knew then he shouldn't of reacted like this, it wasn't normal to have a screaming match over a kitchen work top. He must be mad. Mustn't he? He stopped talking and tired to focus on breathing as his chest squeezed tight sending a blur over his eyes. He felt Kurt's gentle touch on his knee, then looked up and saw Kurt's worried face.
"Breath Blaine calm down, please"
As Blaine's breathing calmed down his guilt replaced the anger then came the embarrassment.
"Im Sorry" Blaine said still with heavy breath but now able to speak.
"No I'm sorry, this is getting out of hand Honey"
"I know i just can't help it" He was so ashamed that he was causing so much hurt to the man he loved so much, tears ran down his face uncontrollably.
"It all gets too much, too much mess, too much untidiness."
"Theres nothing wrong with a little mess" Kurt whispered moving his face closer to Blaine.
"My head just gets so messed up. I need order ..I.. I need order to make it through the day if its messy ill have a bad day."
"Baby, the world is an imperfect place. Not everything can be controlled nor should it be. I know how hard it is for you but you should see that there is so much beauty in this imperfect world we live in"
"I just get so scared" Blaine mumbled into his own body, hoping that Kurt wouldn't judge him.
"I know, i get scared to. But the best thing about fear is overcoming it. Looking at the thing you fear the most and and saying "Suck It" I'm not scared of you."
Blaine didn't no what to say.
"When you asked me to marry you, i said yes because of all that you are. The way you sing, the way you look the way you are. With every flaw included. But you have to defeat your demons to enjoy life. Remember than song that the girls sang in the glee club last year Florence and the machine, shake it out. Theres this one lyric that says "Its hard to dance with a devil on your back". Kurt said while ending closer to Blaine seeing the painful tears fall, he placed his hands gently on the others hips, the small touch was a big reassurance. Blaine crossed his legs and faced his fiancé looking into his eyes with a tiny bit more reassurance than before, welcoming the touch of Kurt.
"Its always darkest before the dawn" Blaine remembered the song, it had helped him a lot before.
"And remember even through the bad times, you have to tell me. We can't let it get this bad again" Kurt reached his pinky finger in front of Blaine. They were now facing right at each other the top of there bodies getting closer.
"Pinky promise"
"Pinky promise" Blaine felt slightly better after talking with Kurt, he knew he needed to see a doctor and probably try counselling. But knowing that Kurt understood, didn't judge, didn't ignore, that the person he loved loved him back, and would be there for him through thick and thin, meltdown after meltdown.
Kurt closed his eyes and slowly moved towards the lips he knew so fondly, as Blaine did the same. They shared a gentle kiss, Kurt's hand cupping Blaine's cheek slowly wiping away each tear as the strolled down his tanned face. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's slender body were he felt the most safe. After a moment they parted only slightly and whispered
"I love you" Kurt said with so much love for the boy in front of him.
"I love you" was softly replied.
notes
I wrote this because i also have OCD, by no means as sever as I've written but i wanted to write a story for people to relate to. Also new to the fanficton writing thing so please leave a comment with feedback and suggestions, and ask if youde like to see another chapter?
sum
When Blaine had met Kurt his troubles with OCD and depression had been under control. But the change of moving to new york and stress of home life brought Blaine's troubles to whole new levels.