It was time for Jeff Hardy's match. He straightened his gloves as he
heard his music and saw his strobelight. He pushed through the
curtain followed by Lita to a thunderous applause. Lita threw up her
hand like she was holding a gun. As she surveyed the audience, she
appreciated their approval of her on a whole new level.
"This is alright!" she said with fondness to Jeff as they bolted
down the walkway and into the ring.
She saw that they were replaying highlights of the kiss she and Matt
Hardy shared two weeks ago. Lita was so caught up in watching it
that when it was over, she was taken aback to find her current self
displayed on the Titan Tron.
Relax, she told herself, it's a live show! After she loosened up.
she was back to smiling and feeling the vibes of the music.
Next came the throbbing bass line of 'Bad Man'. Rikishi was making
his way to the ring.
"Gawd, he's wearing the clean tights I hope!" joked Lita in a not so
eloquent manner, knowing full well she was scheduled to take the
stinkface later.
Jeff couldn't afford to be as jovial as Lita tonight. He was more
concerned about the Stinkface and Banzai Drop. He and Lita both knew
through backstage word of mouth that Rikishi kept three different
pairs of trunks. There was the normal pair that got washed
regularly, followed by the trunks he occasionally washed and,
finally, the trunks he had never washed that were kept in a plastic
bag, covered in skidmarks that looked like dried mustard. He
reserved the third pair for those that really deserved it, or
antagonized Rikishi. As long as I know my place and don't cause
trouble, I should be spared the stinkiest tights, Lita assured
herself. But smelling him as he entered the ring, she wasn't so sure
of herself. She wondered if she or Jeff had done anything recently
to offend him.
Rikishi could smell that fear like they could his stench.
Lita left the ring in time for the bell. Rikishi removed his dress
gear and Jeff was already on him with clubbing rights. Rikishi
shoved him across the ring a few times to exhibit his dominance.
Jeff off the ropes with a sunset flip. Rikishi smacked his cheeks
and dropped straight down. Hardy moved. Hardy off the ropes with a
dropkick to the face. Lita was pleased with Jeff's early offense, so
she jumped and shouted for encouragement. Jeff with a flipping leg
drop!
1, 2, kick out! Jeff went to the top for a cross body block, but
Rikishi caught him up in the bearhug. Jeff battled back with that
left elbow. Rikishi wrenched harder and followed up with an
assertive belly to belly.
During all of this dominating of Jeff, Rikishi stole a glance at
Lita, which thoroughly frightened her enough to warrant a comment
from her.
"What? Nothing to see out here! I'm not your opponent, buddy!" she
said, throwing up her arms submissively and moving further away,
beside the steel steps.
Rikishi punished Jeff's resolve with punches and kicks, backing him
into the corner. For some reason, he didn't attempt the stinkface.
Lita remained Jeff's cheerleader at ringside.
"Come on, Jeff! Fight out!"
Jeff made a quick comeback only to be squashed by a clothesline.
Rikishi, again, glared at Lita on the outside. Lita, again, became
irate.
"Don't look at me! Look at him! You're fighting him!" she said,
rolling her eyes as she pulled up her pants, suddenly not feeling so
attractive.
"You make me sick!" said Lita as she thought of that odorous pile of
crap known as Rikishi and warned herself not to get too involved,
vowing to herself she wouldn't allow him to stinkface her.
Rikishi dropped Jeff with a headbutt and shoved him into the corner.
Jeff rallied back as he was sent into the far corner with a corkscrew
body press which Rikishi halted with one hand. Lita felt Jeff's pain
but remained an observer and cheerleader on the outside.
Rikishi gave Jeff a Samoan Drop and finished him off with a Banzai
Drop as Team X-Treme had feared. 1,2,3! It was mercifully over for
Jeff. Rikishi stood up and soaked in his victory as he adjusted his
thong so it rode up his crack a little bit and farted. Now, it was
not only his match stinking up the ring. He was getting himself
ready for the move that made him famous. But Lita clearly wanted him
to leave.
"Get the hell outta there!" she yelled to Rikishi. When she saw
Rikishi slide one leg through the ropes, she crawled carefully into
the ring, taking one step at a time and never taking her eyes off
the 'Kish'. As as long as she was cautious, there was no stinkface
to worry about.
Keep going, fatty! Keep going, she thought to herself as she watched
Rikishi leaving the ring and continued crawling over to Jeff's side.
Rikishi cocked his head around. His eyes locked on Lita's. She
quickly backed out of the ring.
"You have GOT to be kidding me! You're disgusting! Just leave
already!"
She hadn't forgotten about Jeff, who was about to suffer his second
Banzai Drop.
"Jeff, get up!" she yelled running to the other side of the ring.
Lita went to the top rope. She was there, just waiting for Rikishi
to turn around and walk right into a hurricanrana. Suddenly, out of
nowhere, Rikishi tugged hard on the top rope causing a domino effect
that left Lita crotched on the top rope. She wouldn't stay up there
for long. After a second or two, she fell forward and landed on her
bottom, grimacing as she tried to relieve the searing pain between
her legs. She didn't realize she was about to give Rikishi a
prostate exam.
Exhausted and dizzy from the fall, she laid her head back against the
bottom turnbuckle for only a split second to rest. She took her
quick rest and then became determined once again to get up. She
raised her head up only for her face to bump right into Rikishi's
sponge-like backside. Her beautiful lips brushed against the sweaty,
fat folds. She moved her head back, realizing that Rikishi had her
trapped right where he wanted her. What the hell, she thought to
herself, what happened to Test, Trish Stratus, William Regal and all
these other assholes is about to happen to me too!
No further warning was needed as Lita's face sank into his butt. The
force of it knocked her back a little. Her hands scrambled around
until they found his thighs. She drew back, tracing the lines until
they found his ass. She proceeded to push for all she was worth as
the palms of her hands cupped those cheeks of grotesque fatty
tissue. She had closed her eyes but her mouth was frequently swished
open and shut, her cheeks occasionally swelling as she was forced to
inhale the unctuous oxygen. For a moment, it seemed that she was
going to get away by turning her head to the side. Rikishi punished
this attempt by dragging her back into the folds of his bile inducing
bacon.
Lita felt her face contaminated by something moist as his hips
swivelled back and forth. She hoped it was perspiration, but the
smell gave her a hunch that he had just farted on her. Phtt, phtt,
phhhhhhtttt noises confirmed Amy Dumas' fears as she felt ill winds
break across her face.
Aww man, you've gotta be kidding me! I go from kissing Matt to
kissing this? His foul smell is all over me! My lips, tongue and
teeth will need scrubbing now! Will he ever let go? she thought
as her nose, lips, chin and eyes tickled the inside of his crack.
At last, Lita was released when Matt saved the day. She pushed his
ass up off of her, turned her head and coughed for a while. She
wiped the vulgar residue from her lips as Matt Hardy jumped to her
rescue. She flung the vile moisture from her hand as Matt joined her
side. Rikishi left the ring and smiled as he watched the couple. In
his opinion, he had just painted the Mona Lisa.
"Are you okay, honey? How bad is it?" asked Matt.
"He had shit all over it... Sonuvabitch!" she screamed as Matt
pulled her in for a hug to comfort her. She picked a small piece of
organic matter from her tongue.
"We're gonna get you cleaned up, don't worry!" He was hesitant to
kiss her, but he put his hand on her shoulder. On commentary, Jerry
Lawler made the comment to Michael Cole that she must smell like
manure. He wasn't too far off.
"I don't know if I'll ever get rid of this smell! And my face is all
sticky! It's gross!" she complained as she ran her palm over her
mouth and nose and pulled back to see if she had gotten rid of the
cause of the smell.
Fun for anyone like me who's ever reviewed tapes of stinkfaces and
wondered what the divas were saying in the ring when we couldn't hear
them.