Half way out of the dark
This is the second of my Ghost of a Rose series. Everything you recognize belongs to BBC I own nothing, if I did Rose and the Doctor would have travelled together until the end of days.
This is the story based on The Christmas Carol episode. The Doctor analyzed this day and then had a little chat with Abigail.
Today was a truly magical adventure it was one of those days which I'll remember until the end of days. By the way me being a Doctor and all, I LOVE Christmas and today was one of the most extraordinary and fun adventures ever! Today I was the ghost of Christmas, holy TARDIS I love Charles Dickens I've actually met him on one of the Christmases long time ago with Rose…
Yeah, again Rose. Will my memory ever let her go? I absolutely have no idea. Maybe one day. Anyway as much as I loved this adventure I am bit sad, thinking of this day, well it wasn't technically a day, I managed to re-write someone's life, save the ship, visit dozens of places and see a flying fish, oh I AM good! That was truly brilliant! But as always I had to pay the price, well not me technically but Kazran and Abigail. Oh these two…they would be brilliant companions if things were different I would gladly offered them place in my TARDIS team, two couples, one Doctor and all of the time and space, how cool is that?
As I mentioned before today was a bittersweet day when your heart hurts a bit but in a good way, you know what I mean? It's like you are sad that it's gone but at the same you are happy that it happened to you. Like I said to Amy when meeting Vincent, life IS the pile of good and bad things and one doesn't spoil the other and makes it unimportant. And today's day that proved it to me again. I don't know why I felt it exactly today, perhaps Abigail and Kazran's story helped me more than I realized. It's just for the first time since I lost Rose I felt like this gaping hole in my chest started to heal at least a little bit. It doesn't bleed endlessly anymore as it used to in my Tenth body and it doesn't burn so unbearable that I couldn't breathe sometimes to which I got used to actually, I felt lighter somehow.
When did I realize that? I am not sure, I just know where it's started.
It's started with Abigail, when I talked to her on our first Christmas together. After flying the shark we went to have a picnic on this planet called Ginevra 23 where they actually had BLUE grass! Kazran went off to see local animals and me and Abigail sat under the BLUE tree and ate some strange pancakes. I am still not sure what are they made of but they were really good! We were chatting about nothing really and then she asked me:
-Where you here before?
I turned towards her, surprised by this question.
-No. why?
-It's just it seems like you know this place, the way you talk to people and you know, behave.
-Well, that's my job! I travel through time and space I have to be confident otherwise I'd be put in prison or executed or put in some giant box. –I realized something- Well actually I think I've already done all that stuff…Hmmm maybe I should work on my communication skills.
Abigail laughed, brightly and happily reminding me of another blonde's smile.
-I think you are doing just fine. – she was quiet for a moment her eyes were watching Kazran who played with some kind of pink monkey with giant ears. – So are you travelling on your own?
-No, actually. I have friends with me Amy and Rory, they are! But they are kind of having a honeymoon right now, well they did have one but now they are crashing the earth somewhere.
-Crashing the earth?
-Yeah, yeah don't worry, I am working on it!
-OK, - she said a bit hesitantly. I looked at her. God how much she resembled Rose. Not only in appearance, she was also kind and gentle but at the same time strong-willed and brave. I sighed, perhaps a bit too heavily. What life could I have if Rose still were here with me? Running the universe hand in hand, would she stay with this new me? Of course she would, I thought immediately, she stayed with me twice, once after regeneration second time after metacrisis. At least I hope she did. Perhaps all these grim thoughts reflected on my face, cause Abigail looked really concerned when she addressed me again
-Is everything OK Doctor?
Damn it. You are ageless Timelord! When will you learn really hide your emotions! It's enough that you behave like a lovesick teenager who managed to fall in love with a human! Human! Out of all species, of course it had to be a fragile human being.
-Yeah, I am fine just a bit tired I suppose. I feel today's gonna be a very long day!
Abigail wasn't so sure.
-Of course I am not the expert and well we just met today, but it looks like you've lost someone. And excuse me my rudeness, you doesn't seem to be as young as your face is.
-Ha, well yes, Abigail you are very clever. – I laughed – I am not as young as I am appeared to be, it's my thing you may say and yeah I did lost someone, in fact I've lost a lot of people – I finished quietly looking into the alien sky.
-Yeah I can see that, but there is someone that still haunts you, isn't it? Someone you can't let go?
I was surprised. Abigail was more like Rose than I thought, she did the same thing asked the most right question. I don't know why but I decided to open up a bit to this woman perhaps because I'll never see her again perhaps because I wanted to.
-I'd rather not to talk about it. But yeah there is someone who I can't really let go, no matter how much I try.
-Maybe you shouldn't then?
-What? – OK, I expected sympathy or some other humanish thing but not these. Blimey these humans always manage to surprise me, after all this time!
-Well, I mean you obviously cared deeply for that person and if you can't let go maybe you should accept you know pain and stuff. It's like you shielded yourself from it with adventures and new people and it's ok, it helps for awhile. It's like this pain and memories if you accept them at the beginning they will destroy you but when the time moves on, you surround yourself by new things and you don't pay much attention to that shield anymore and it's starting to break, slowly. And all that emotions they crawl through those cracks like poisoning gas kicking you in the guts at the most vulnerable moment. So when this begins you need to get all your courage together and open this wound so it could finally begin to heal. So you could start to think only about good things that person brought to your life and let go of the bad things that happened.
I looked at this young, amazing woman and I couldn't say a word I just smiled brightly. Maybe, just maybe she was right and one day I'll be brave enough and stop blocking everything Rose-related. But not today, today I just found a bit of hope.
After several trips and great Christmases (did I mention how much I LOVE Christmas?) Kazran suddenly didn't want to travel with me anymore. I couldn't understand why but I accepted it and then he cracked the truth to Amy and I got it. I understood why after all the adventures, after Abigail being in his life, after all great things he saw, he became such a bitter man. His source of happiness and hope was unreachable for him, she was alive but he couldn't touch her, couldn't be with her unless killing her. It was like all over again, one day for him, whole life for her. Oh Rassilion, how good I knew this feeling, this despair that crashes on you! If it wasn't for Donna, Martha and the TARDIS of course, I would become a monster, a real monster who couldn't control himself and I almost did on Mars if it wasn't for Adelaide's sacrifice. Looking at these broken and old man I saw myself and I understood and I felt sorry for him. And then he said things I'll never forget
-Doctor! – the old Kazran growled!
-I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
-All my life, I've been called heartless. My other life, my real life, the one you rewrote. Now look at me. – Kazran looked at frozen Abigail
-Better a broken heart than no heart at all. – I said it, why I said this? I knew that it's not what a desperate man needs!
-Oh, try it. You try it. – Kazran said angrily. And I closed my eyes, how I wish I didn't know this feeling when something rips up your chest and takes your hearts out, squashing them and throwing them into the void. Sometimes I almost wished I've never met her it, would be so much easier. Roaming the universe without heartbreak, but then I think of her smile of her hand in my hands and I know that I would go through that hell again and again just to meet her one more time.
- Why are you here?- Kazran finally asked.
-Cos I'm not finished with you yet. – I walked forward - You've seen the past, the present...and now you need to see the future.
-Fine! Do it! Show me! I'll die cold, alone and afraid. Of course I will, we all do! What difference does showing me make? Do you know why I'm going to let those people die? It's not a plan. I don't get anything from it. It's just that I don't care. I'm not like you. I don't even want to be like you! I don't and never, ever will care!
- And I don't believe that.
And again I played a God and changed him forever.
Kazran changed so much that he couldn't control his machine anymore and I knew we were out of time, I knew Ponds and all those people were in danger, so I had to ask him to wake Abigail up for one last time so she could sing and save everyone, except for herself.
-Her voice resonates perfectly with the ice crystals. It calmed the shark. It will calm the sky, too. – I say
Kazran once again looked at Abigail I saw the agony he was going through but we didn't have a choice. One life, for thousands lives.
-Could you do it? – Kazran asked suddenly - Could you do this? Think about it, Doctor. One last day with your beloved. Which day would you choose?
I closed my eyes again. And all could I think of was my really happy Christmas with Rose and her family. In Jackie's tiny apartment just after regeneration, after fight with Sycorax. I was sitting in their living room with Mickey and Jackie and Rose of course, wearing this ridiculous paper crown, Rose was smiling at me brightly and then we walked out on the street. Even though it wasn't a real snow it still was beautiful and terrible, like the universe itself. And then, well then Rose agreed to come with me again, God how happy I was. She really saw me through my new face, she took my hand and I couldn't take my eyes of her, she was so beautiful like a star in the night sky.
The metal door opened and Abigail stepped out. She came close to Kazran and smiled at him gently.
-Christmas. Christmas Day. Look at you. – she put her hand on his cheek- So old now. I think you waited a bit too long, didn't you?
-I'm sorry. – Kazran was almost crying.
-Hoarding my days, like an old miser.
-But...if you leave the ice now...
She looked him right in the eyes.
-We've had so many Christmas Eves, Kazran. I think it's time for Christmas Day.
And with that it was decided. Abigail sang her last, beautiful song and I had to leave them to themselves. My friends were waiting for me.
After reuniting and teasing and laughing we got to the TARDIS.
-Are you OK? – Amy asked unexpectedly
-Course I'm OK. You? – lie again. But I won't start this topic. We talked about Rose once when meeting Dreamlord and that's enough sharing, even with Amy.
-Of course. It'll be their last day together, won't it? – Amy was sad a little, I could see that. Not a fairytale happy ending.
I thought for a second how to answer that.
-Everything has to end sometime, otherwise nothing would ever get started. – and yeah, that was truth. Everything ends, all things. And one day Amy you'll be gone too.
Rory opens the door as usually interfering our emotional talk.
-Your phone was ringing. Someone called Marilyn. Actually sounds like THE Marilyn. – ok that was bad! I married myself again and again to a famous person! Hope she won't wait for me like poor Elizabeth.
-Doctor? – Amy was so not letting this go.
-Tell her I'll phone her back. And that was never a real chapel. – even if it was I was "married" so many times that I've lost count!
Rory pops back in the TARDIS and Amy asks me again. Oh, my curious Pond!
-Where are they? Kazran and Abigail.
-Off on a little trip, I should think.
-Where?
-Christmas. – I smiled
-Christmas?
-Yeah, Christmas.
Amy laughed and went in the TARDIS. I looked up in the night sky and that is when I knew that everything is going to be all right.
-Halfway out of the dark.