Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!

by Lucille Bluejay

zim and dib's daily quarrels attract a new insane member! as time goes on, serious issues arise that put their lives and reputations at risk! what happens? INSANITY AND CHAOS, thats what! look inside for better summary! comments plz? IT ISN'T THAT BAD....

1. Chapter 1: A Sneaky New Surprise of DOOM

Invader Zim: Attack of the Crazed Cook!

By Lucille Bluejay

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, unless the minor violence counts.

Disclaimer: I, Lucille Bluejay, do not own the characters from the Nikelodeon cartoon Invader Zim. I do not own Zim, Dib, Gaz, G.I.R., Professor Membrane, or Miss Bitters. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AND THE CREDIT FOR THE CHARACTERS CAN GO TO Mr. Jhonen Vasquez. Well, actually I do own ONE character, but who cares?

Summary: As Zim and Dib continue with their usual crazy and dangerous antics, a new kid is caught up in the quarrel. But soon suspicions arise, bombs explode, a certain Irken is tossed about like a rag doll, a certain young paranormal investigator becomes a test subject for unimaginable tests of PAIN, and a certain mindless robot is kidnapped! Yeah, whoop-di-friggin'-doo. INSANITY INSUES! PARTNERSHIPS DESTROYED! CONDIMENTS BOILED! AWESOME RAD TECHNO MUSIC SCREAMS! AND ZIM'S MISSION IS PUT AT RISK! DIB IS INTRODUCED TO FOODCOURTIAN COOKWARE! AND G.I.R. IS ADMIRED BY A VERY CREEPY CHILD! If this doesn't interest you then just turn back. NOW.

Chapter 1: A Sneaky New Surprise of DOOM!

Monday, November 1, 2010 was going to be a very important day for one certain young paranormal investigator. As the sun began to rise and shine its light through the putrid clouds of pollution that hovered over the neighborhood, most of the children were still asleep in bed as their parents began cooking breakfast. Yes, to those normal children—it would be just another dull and boring Monday of skool but not in the Membrane household. For the Membrane family, each day would be full of insanity and annoyance, thanks to one boy named Dib. And that day, November 1, 2010, wouldn't be any different.

Professor Membrane was just heading up the stairs from his basement lab and towards the kitchen when the smell of burning toast reached his senses. Running up the last few steps and standing in the doorframe with a raised eyebrow, he saw his daughter Gaz standing in front of a toaster that was releasing a steady stream of dark grey smoke. He walked up to his daughter and towered over her with a deep crease in between his goggled eyes.

"Gaz," he said as sternly as he could. "What have I told you about eating burnt toast? You know that your stomach is going to be charred black if you do!"

"Hey Dad," she said, completely ignoring his question and grabbing the burnt slice of bread as it popped out of the toaster. She walked away and settled herself on a chair beside the dining table. The professor looked her up and down, noticing in surprise that she was already fully dressed for school. He looked around the kitchen and then towards the entrance to the living room for his son but found no trace of him.

"Where is your brother?" he asked Gaz, taking up the seat next to her. "Did he leave for school already?"

"No," Gaz answered through a mouthful of toast. Taking another bite she said, "He's still in the garage."

"The garage? But hasn't he been there since Friday afternoon?"

"Yep."

"Well—go get him. I don't want you two to be late and—"

He was cut off by a loud beeping from his communicator watch. Professor Membrane pulled down his heavy black glove and pushed a small black button on the watch. A holographic screen appeared over his wrist and the image of a man with wild green hair in a lab coat similar to the professor's own showed on the screen.

"Doctor Blackhead," Professor Membrane said cheerfully. "Nice to see you again! What seems to be the problem?"

"What's the problem?" the image screeched, his face contorting into complete terror. "The problem is that the flesh-eating chicken egg escaped! We need your help! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

The crazed doctor began to scream, a sound that was so painfully ear-shattering that it made Gaz want to rip off her dad's watch and chuck it into the garbage disposal with the blades spinning on high.

"Okay, okay, calm down doctor," he said loudly over the man's screams, pushing away from the table and standing up. "I'll be right there, but does this mean that the pot-luck lunch we were planning is cancelled?"

Suddenly the man's face became eerily calm and said in a pleasant voice, "Oh, of course not! Still gonna bring those tarts you've been talking about? Everyone wants to try them!"

"Why wouldn't I? I'll be there as soon as I can!"

"Great! Don't forget the sporks!"

A loud boom sounded and the doctor's face was shadowed by smoke. He let out an ear-splitting scream as the image of an egg with large yellow eyes and gaping wide mouth full of sharp teeth tackled him out of the screen. "Noooooo!!!!! I want to live! I WANT TO LIVE!!!!! DON'T EAT MY FACE!!!!"

Professor Membrane pressed the button on the watch again and the screen disappeared. He straightened out his coat and was about to head out the back door when he turned back to his daughter, "Gaz, go get Dib! And do you want me to bring anything back from the pot-luck?"

Shoving the last bit of toast into her mouth, and opening one of her eyes to look at her father she said, "Yeah. They got pizza?"

"Yes, they do," he made a quick dash back to pat her head roughly, completely ruffling her head of purple hair. He said a quick good-bye and headed out the door without another word.

Gaz grumbled to herself, shaking her head furiously until her hair was neatly back in place. She followed her father's route to the outside and stood in front of the garage door. Inside she could hear her stupid brother's rambling melding with a flurry of zapping and whizzing sounds. Gaz raised her tiny fist and pounded unmercifully on the door.

"Dib! Get out here!" she said loudly. Not hearing an answer she began to bang both of her fists onto the metal. "DIB! YOU LITTLE FREAK, GET OUT HERE NOW! IT'S MONDAY AND TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

The rambling and whizzing came to an abrupt stop and the garage door flew up. Dib stood there staring wide eyed at his sister, a look of complete exhaustion and insanity on his face. Seeing Dib's crazier than normal appearance Gaz said, "You know what? Forget it. I'm leaving without you."

She turned away and was about to march back through the house when he suddenly grabbed her arm. His hands were completely soaked with sweat and a weird sticky pink substance. Gaz growled like a mad dog and threw off his hands. She frantically wiped her sleeve against her shirt and in a dangerously low voice she said, "If you EVER touch me with those filthy hands of yours again I WILL destroy you Dib."

"N-n-no! Wait!" Dib said and stood in her way before she continued on. His eye twitched slightly as he shakily dusted himself off and tried to flatten down his wild black hair. "I-is it really Monday? Already?"

"Yeah doofus," she answered bitterly. "Move. Now!"

"I—uh—um—just wait for me! I'll meet you out front!"

He shot back through the garage door, letting it fall back down with a loud metallic thunk. Gaz shook her head, walking through the house and scooping up her backpack. She continued on until she was outside the front door which she closed behind her with a loud slam. She kept going, settling herself on the sidewalk and looking back at the house. After a second she left, deciding to walk by herself. She was half way down the street when an annoying nasly voice called out to her, "Hey! Wait for me!"

Gaz paid no attention and continued walking. Eventually Dib caught up, panting heavily and filling the air with his foul morning breath. Gaz stopped in mid-step, her face contorting into deep disgust. Gagging loudly—she rifled through her pocket, pulling out a stick of mint gum and shoving it into his mouth. Dib gagged, coughing up the gum into his hand. Gaz smiled to herself as she walked away from her brother. Idiot, she thought.

"Would it have killed you to unwrap it first?" Dib yelled, tearing off the gum wrapper and tossing it away. He chewed angrily on the gum, catching up and falling in step with his sister. Dib readjusted the large bag on his shoulders, letting out a loud grunt of exhaustion. Gaz glared at him through the corner of her eye and hastened her pace, hoping to get as far away from him as possible. Dib let out a sigh of frustration and followed suit. My legs, he thought as his body throbbed in pain. My arms! My shoulders! And whatever that place behind my knees is called! Oh the pain!

The sun rose higher as they made their way out of the neighborhood and into a more urban setting. They crossed another road, and headed into the city park's entrance. Walking quickly down the park's biking trail, Dib panted heavily as the strain of the backpack's weight seemed to crush his shoulders. Gaz growled softly and said in a flat voice, "What's with you? What the heck is your problem Dib?"

"Ugh…" he let out another grunt and readjusted the bag on his shoulders again. And in between raspy pants he said, "Well…if you must know…I got a little surprise for…egh—that alien-dirt bag Zim! You see, I've been working….on a….on a special bomb since—jeez this thing is heavy—last Friday. It took me forever to…to get its velocity just right…and the…the contents in the bomb itself….weren't…weren't that easy to get a hold of either. You see…I had to go through…through so many park benches….desks…and bus seats to…."

Gaz frowned deeply. Should have known better than to ask that big-headed moron Dib what was wrong. She tried to run—but somehow, even with that big bag weighing him down, Dib was still able to keep up. They exited out of the park, passed several shops that were just beginning to open, and were almost to the school but Dib STILL wouldn't shut up! He kept ranting and blabbing on and on about his stupid surprise for Zim…something to do with carbonated water and lots of used bubble gum. The two of them were at the skool's front gate when Gaz slammed her hands over her ears and let out a yell.

"And then when that space boy is glued to the chair I can—"

He was cut off abruptly by Gaz who took hold of his pointy hair scythe by the root. Dib winced in pain and fear as she tightened her grip and pulled him closer. The look on her face showed blinding rage and through gritted teeth she hissed, "Shut up Dib! Or I swear I will shove that bomb of yours down your throat and set it off myself!"

Gaz shoved him down onto the pavement, giving him a hard kick in the leg before turning away and walking towards the skool's front doors. She sat on down on the steps and pulled out her GS2, giving her brother one last death glare before completely immersing herself in her game. Dib let out a loud huff and got up, sliding the bag off his shoulders and deciding it would be easier to hold it in his arms than carry it on his back. He lifted it up and felt nearly all his joints pop at the sudden strain.

"Okay never mind!" he squeaked in a pained voice. With some difficulty, Dib managed to pull the bag over his back and trudge down the courtyard towards the skool. Once he reached the entrance he pulled at the doors' handles. Locked, he thought. No duh.

Dib gave the doors a kick, pulling out an old used-up credit card from his pocket and shoved it into the small slit between the doors. He jiggled the doors' handles while sliding the card down to block the locks and when the doors finally opened he rushed in, heading straight for his homeroom class. Dib ran through several familiar dimly lit halls and turned the corner that led to his homeroom, only to bump into his ancient teacher Miss Bitters.

Dib fell to the ground with a gasp of surprise escaping his mouth. Miss Bitters' snake-like figure towered over him and quickly bent forward, a look of utter malice forming on her wrinkled face.

"You…" that single word made Dib shudder in fear. Her be-speckled eyes narrowed in rage. "Dib, what are you doing in school so early? Go back outside and wait until the bell rings for admittance!"

"Ms. Bitters! I—I was just coming in to—to—uh…." Dib's stuttering became uncontrollably as he tried to explain that he was just there to get a head start on their project. Wow, that was unconvincing. But his incoherent blathering got Miss Bitters to clap her hands over her ears and slither down the hall hastily towards the teacher's lounge. When she disappeared from view Dib let out a sigh of relief and got to work on breaking into the room. It was pretty easy; he did the same trick with the credit card with the skool's front doors.

The door let out a loud creak as he peeked inside. Dib rushed to the desk that was in the front row and closest to the door, Zim's assigned desk. A smirk spread across Dib's face as he set his bag down, pulling out a large clear box full of bubbly liquid and sliding it carefully into the desk's hollow compartment. And with some difficulty, he pulled out a small bright pink cube from the bag. Dib let out a long grunt of strain as he held it up. The cube fell to the floor, crushing his fingers beneath its impressive weight.

"Owwwwww!" he said loudly, wincing at the unbelievable pain. Dib pulled out his fingers and waved his hands frantically. Dang did that hurt! He growled in pain, using his boot to shove the cube underneath Zim's chair. Grunting loudly, he got on his hands and knees and used all his strength to attach it to the chair's underside. Once done, Dib got up and scooped up his bag, pulling it over his shoulders securely. He rummaged through his coat pocket, exhuming a high-tech digital camera. Raising it to his eye he let out a triumphant 'ha ha!'.

"At last! I can finally expose that alien-scumbag for what he really is!" Dib let out loud burst of laughter. "As soon that bubblegum bomb goes off and covers Zim in a massive wad of gum, he'll be rendered helpless as he's glued to the floor. THEN the carbonated water bomb will go off in his face, burning his every last evil alien cell showing PROOF that he's got an alien body! Once that's done and I'm done laughing in that sick green face of his, I'll pull of his disguise and take pictures of it in front of the WHOLE class! Then everybody will finally believe me!"

Dib let out a loud whoop, running around the class wildly with a big grin on his face. He did a little flip and laded on top of Miss Bitters' desk. He threw up his hands saying in a disturbingly cheerful voice, "They'll all finally believe me! This is gonna be great! They'll finally see the truth and with my help they can stop Zim and his evil alien race of world invading…alien….people….thing."

Dib's voice faltered when he couldn't make up a better name. He let out a meek cough and jumped off the desk to re-check the bombs. They were both sensitive to sudden shocks (as in if someone were to jump on them they would go off). Dib checked the sturdiness of the chair to make sure its legs wouldn't fall and let it collapse on top of the gum bomb. He also gave the desk a reasonably hard tap, pulling back his hand and throwing his arms over himself for protection. Nope. The bomb didn't go off. Good!

Satisfied with his work, and with the knowledge that neither of them would go off too soon, Dib walked out of the classroom with a slight swing in his step. He whistled a light tune as he carefully relocked the door and quietly shut it behind himself. A big smile came across his face as he turned to head back outside, but then something at the end of the hall caught his eye. He did a little back-track and turned around, looking straight down the hall at the person standing there.

It was a boy about the same age as Dib with blonde hair that was neatly combed back and wide green eyes. But that wasn't the strange part. The boy was completely out of place because of the neatly pressed dark blue prep school uniform he wore. Dib raised a brow in suspicion as the boy looked down the halls that opened up to his left and right. The boy looked up that the arrows pasted the wall that pointed down either direction. The one on the left said 'cafeteria' and the one on the right said 'school offices'. He turned to the right and disappeared down the hall. After a split second he ran in the other direction towards the cafeteria. And in that split second Dib was able to make out a sly and sinister grin on the boys face.

Hey…Dib thought. I know that twisted smile! And why would a prep school kid be doing in this skool? Wait a sec….its gotta be Zim!

Dib ran down the hall after the boy. But when he reached the cafeteria doors he found them locked and no sign of that prep school kid. Dib jumped and tried to get a glimpse through the doors' small grimy windows, but from what he could see the place was totally empty.

"That's weird," Dib said to himself once he landed back on his feet. "I could've sworn I saw somebody…hm….wait a minute—cool! A ghost is in the school! Maybe I can get a picture of it after I expose Zi—"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Dib nearly jumped out of his coat when he heard that loud banging coming from the cafeteria doors. He let out a short scream and fell on his butt, looking up at the small windows with wide eyes. A pair of green eyes glared back at him through the dirty glass and the boy in the prep school uniform gave the door a few more hard pounds before yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?" he bellowed, his voice barely being muffled by the doors. He slammed his fists against the windows in anger. "Get me outta here! I'm locked inside!"

"What the—?" Dib scrambled to his feet and pulled at the doors. They were tightly shut but with a few more good tugs they went flying open, sending both boys tumbling onto the floor. Dib groaned as he got up, rubbing his sore behind. The other growled angrily and stood up quickly, dusting off his jacket and slacks.

Dib looked at him suspiciously. No, it didn't look like Zim in disguise. But then it could've been one of that alien-scum's cleverly cloaked robots. Dib took a step closer, completely invading the boy's personal space and peering into his face. No, that couldn't be the reason. The kid wasn't moving in jerky motions or talking in a slow jerky voice like Zim's robots.

"Can I help you?" the boy asked angrily when Dib got a little too close for comfort.

"Yeah," Dib shot back. "Are you some kind of stupid robot working for a short and annoying green alien? Or are you him in disguise?"

The boy gave Dib a hard shove to the chest, "Who are you calling a stupid robot you pointy-haired freak?"

Dib landed on his butt again and let out a cry of pain. He jumped up and ran in tiny circles as he rubbed his aching behind. Maybe it was a bad idea to put that camera in his back pocket after all. After several seconds of Dib's short yelps and stupid running, the prep-kid growled in annoyance and shot out his hand, taking hold onto Dib's arm, "Okay—stop! I'm sorry for doing that. Jeez."

Well, his grasp certainly didn't feel robotic, Dib thought. And no robot of Zim's would ever apologize like that. But is still wouldn't hurt to be careful around this guy.

"You lost or something?" Dib asked, his eyebrow rising in suspicion.

"No duh, Sherlock," he answered bitterly. "You know where the principal's office is? I'm new here and I kinda got lost…"

"You 'kinda got lost'? But I saw you go down the right direction to the skool offices then run in the other way! And just so you know, the cafeteria isn't the principal's office."

"Oh. That. Ughm….." he paused for a moment, thinking of a good answer. He rubbed the back of his head nervously as Dib crossed his arms and began to tap his foot. "I…uh…wanted to….get something to eat? Yeah! That's it! I kinda got hungry and I thought I could grab something in the cafeteria."

"Right…." Dib didn't believe a word that kid just said. "Well, since you're new, I'll just tell you right now that this skool doesn't serve breakfast. Not enough money for that in the skool's funds. So why were you in the cafeteria?"

"I just told you," he said exasperatedly. "I got hungry and thought I could get something to eat. Sheesh!"

He turned away and stomped down the hall before freezing in mid-step and pointing ahead of himself, "Uh…offices are that way? Or was it back down that way? Or…dang it! Curse you short-term memory!"

"I'll walk you there if you want," Dib offered, completely convinced now that the kid wasn't a robot or Zim in disguise. He caught up with him and guided him further down the hall and turned a corner.

"Egh thanks," he said. He stuck out his hand in greeting. "My name is Mich by the way."

"My name's Dib," he said politely and shook Mich's hand.

"Sorry about being mean a few seconds ago. You know how it is—being a new kid, I mean. New skool, new people, new horrifying lunch food that you'd only have to be desperate enough to eat….yeah, it puts a major strain on a person's nice-ness levels."

"Yeah, I hear ya."

They kept silent for a while after that, the only sounds being their soft footsteps on the hard tiled floors. Mich seemed to gawk at everything; from the dirty beige walls, to the drippy ventilation system in the ceiling, and to the posters that promoted education in a far from subtle manner. Dib eyed him from the corner of his eye the entire trip to the principal's office. It wasn't until they were in a hallway with double doors at the very end that were labeled 'principal's office' in big bold letters that Dib spoke up.

"Why are you in a uniform? You sure you're in the right skool?" Dib asked.

"Hm? What—you mean this?" Mich said, looking down at himself. "It's just something I was forced into by my grandma. 'Look handsome for your new teachers' she said. Pfft, I really couldn't care less. Besides, this is the only elementary skool within a hundred mile radius. I'm sure I'm in the right place."

"Uuuuukaaayyyy," the word came out slowly from Dib's mouth. He looked towards the end of the hall at the double doors. "Well, that's it. The principal's office. But you better be careful, he's not exactly what you call nice…or normal for that matter."

"Tough guy eh?" Mich said. He grinned brightly but in a low and slightly scary voice he said, "We'll see about that. But 'ey—" His tone suddenly changing back to cheery. "Thanks for helping me get here….Dib, was it?"

"Yep, no problem."

They stood there looking at each other appreciatively for a moment before Mich continued down the hall by himself with his head held high.

"I guess I'll see you around then!" Dib called out to him.

"Yep! Same to you!" Mich answered back. When he reached the doors, he gave Dib a small wave goodbye. Dib smiled and returned the gesture but then he froze when the door opened and a large black hand quickly snatched Mich inside. His eyes went wide and his arm fell limp to his side.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Dib started and ran as fast as he could. Forgetting all about Mich and worrying about what would happen to him if that person inside that office came out to get him.