Epiphany
What had happened in Paris would stay in Paris. That was something I was sure of. This painful experience was something I did not want to relive, ever. Seeing my wife happy with another, then watching her face fall and pity settle in when her gaze fell upon me … The embarrassment is still causing nausea in my stomach.
What had I expected? That she would run into my arms? Tell me she made a big mistake and had just desperately waited for me to come and get her? Deep down, I might have. I realize that now. What a fool I've been.
Even though I was tired to the point where I couldn't understand how I was still able to walk, I couldn't go home. Everything there would remind me of her … I had left her things in their places so she would feel right at home when she came back. That would never happen, I knew that now. And I didn't want to face the reminders of my own foolishness.
So I went to the office. After all, I'd spent most of my adult life there. It was a place I felt safe. Where I felt things still made sense. When I was just about to walk through the doors, I heard a familiar voice. I did a double take - it was the middle of the night and no one of my team should be here at this time.
"You're sure? His name is Oliver O'Toole. He's my supervisor … and friend. We are worried about him and are trying to reach him."
Shane. Of course. Neither Rita nor Norman had ever dug into my personal life, but Shane didn't know any qualms about this. Yet right now, she didn't sound curious or snippy. She sounded worried.
"I'm sorry, I'm not sure you understand: I am calling you from Denver, United States. I've been trying to find someone who can help me for the past few days, but due to the time difference between France and here, it's not easy to reach anyone. Can you please…." Shane's voice became quieter.
"Ok, thanks." I heard a clack and guessed that she had hung up the old fashioned office phone that stood on his desk.
I peered through the doors and saw Shane bury her face in her hands. My desk lamp was the only illumination in the room, basking her in a warm glow.
"Oh, Oliver, where are you?" she whispered. "Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow's dark array, Days of absence, I am weary…"
Hearing her quote Shakespeare and completing the sentence in my mind – '…She I love is far away', I suddenly understood. The realization hit me with the force of a speeding car and knocked the breath out of me. No matter what she had told her friend a few months back at The Mailbox, Shane did care about me. But the even greater revelation was that I cared about Shane, too.
Despite my own heartbreak, seeing her here, in the dark of the night, tired, all alone and trying to make sure I was ok … My heart went out to her. It was so long since I had felt the rush of emotions I knew were the prelude to something deep and lasting that I had to grip the doorframe for support. The movement caused the old doors to creak and Shane's head shot up.
Her eyes became wide when she spotted me and I felt another wave of emotions rush through me as I saw her feelings run across her face, completely unguarded. Surprise, understanding, worry, relief.
And now my fatigue caught up with me. I no longer needed to be strong. I had someone who'd catch me.
When I came about later, dusk was just starting to filter through the windows. I was lying on the office couch, tucked beneath a blanket. How I had gotten here, I didn't remember. As my eyes adapted to the semi-darkness in the office, I could make out a shape opposite me. It was Shane, curled up into one of our larger chairs, watching me silently.
"Hello, Ms. McInerney", I said. I didn't know what else to say; the situation seemed out of place to me and my newly found knowledge about my feelings made me feel insecure.
"Hello, Oliver. How are you?"
How was I? Part of me wanted to just reply, well, but I knew that she'd see through it and I felt that I owed her the truth. "I'm … ok. I've learned some things. Things that I needed to acknowledge. And now I can move on."
Shane nodded, her long blonde hair softly swaying with the motions of her head. "I'm glad to hear that. I've … we've been worried about you. I'm sure that Rita and Norman will be thrilled to have you back."
"Thank you for not saying, 'I told you you'", I said quietly. We both knew, I think, that she had every right to do so.
"I never wanted you to hurt. I just hoped you'd be able to move on and I truly am happy for you that you can do that now."
We continued to look at each other … it was a strange, yet magical moment that defied explanation. No words seemed to be necessary in the companionable silence we shared. And I realized how much I appreciated Shane's company, and how much I had missed her throughout the week that I had been away.
She stirred. "Here." From nowhere, she produced my Dark of Night mug and poured a Yoho into it, then handing it to me. I struggled into a sitting position and took the cup from her, and our hands met. A week ago, I would have pulled away immediately, concerned that this might send the wrong message, that I was cheating on my wife even through this chance encounter. Now? Now I enjoyed the short moment of feeling the warmth of her smooth skin.
"Are you going to be ok, Oliver?" Shane asked as I was finishing up my Yoho. "I've been at the office since yesterday morning and I need to get a change of clothes before the new day starts."
"Of course, Ms McInerney." Truth be told, I didn't want her to leave. But with my sleepy mind and rather confused emotions, I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted.
Shane picked up her belongings and threw on a jacket. Before she left, she once more walked over to me and out eyes met.
"I'm glad you're back, Oliver", she said quietly and ever so softly placed her hand against my cheek.
The gesture surprised me - we had only ever intentionally touched during our dance lessons before, and this was different. I couldn't even help myself but turn my face into her palm, savoring the warmth if her hand and the texture of her skin. We remained like that for a short moment, before Shane gave me a parting smile and left.
And here I was, thoroughly unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that ran through me. An almost forgotten yearning for physical proximity, the peace of mind that came from knowing someone truly cared about me … And the knowledge that I was moving towards something greater.