Crack Chronicles 6: Munchkins and Role Playing Idiots!
Okay...yeah long one shot in my opinion. I think it's on eof my better works personally, oneshot wise and I think you all will enjoy it! Ooooooooooor, should I say you better like it I spent a lot of imagination and my creativity process on this fic and I'll be damned if you ruined my victory? Yeah, I'll keep this short and sweet and plainly simple as can be…there, I said everything I needed to above except the Disclaimer and Claimer!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, The Wizard of Oz, Skittles, Sunny D, or Amethystte!
Claimer: Yes, I do kinda take credit for Sapphira and Beyond and yeah, this plot too so, yeah. Before the tables turn and I'm duct-taped to a skyscraper by Sapphira I'll let you guys go on and read!
Enjoy!
Authoress Point Of View
Some of you may be wondering where it all began…
Okay, so you're first probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about sooo, yeah.
Sapphira.
So you hopefully know that she is in fact human and was born (Nah, how many of you actually thought she was hatched by a mother alligator and lived with her grizzly bear uncle twice removed? No, I'm dead serious. Her unnatural aggressiveness is random…hehe) and therefore had a family of some sort, and was once a toddler.
Now, four year olds are very…um, interesting to say the least. What I mean is like, forks in the microwave. Admit it now, just a show of hands and face palming mothers should be enough to say that even the smartest of us have been compulsively sticking forks in objects from the ages of four through about six. (I admit it!!! Wahhhh don't hurt meeee! I think the fork in the electric outlet back when I was shocked, literally, was a lesson enough!)
Sapphira, the blue-haired wonder pet, was nothing short of a miracle worker and undoubtedly conducted multiple tests with various objects that have provoked probably strange health side effects that have struck her as becoming abnormal.
Hell, being eighteen and six foot one inches, pale as a bleached chicken on a tropical beach in November, blue hair is undeniably questionable to being ordinary, an addiction to cherry lollipops at any given time-day or night-isn't healthy, and let's not forget the horridly comical personality and temper that also possesses our super freakenoid friend!
Let's start out with the simplest of her problems.
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Me. Her therapist…I know, save me now! Why the damn hell would Amethystte, Hidan, and Deidara suggest bringing her to me!? I mean, seriously! Haven't I had enough death threats from the she demon in the past month to make my heart rate jump like Beyond on steroids??
Point made. I'm doomed whether it is from having to find this girl's problem or trying to pry her off my face while being mugged in some supermarket parking lot I don't know.
Okay, Calm down Dr. Goody. Deep calm soothing even breaths. Keep a rhythmic breathing pace as you move closer to opening the door to greet your wonderful (gulping at this point) patient that is in need of your service…
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Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Click. Clomp!
Just as I opened the door she chomped down the cherry sucker she had previously been licking leisurely as she first sighted me as I slipped through the small opening I had made in the door leading to my office.
I held my clipboard closely to my chest as I watched her with a steady gaze, trying to not begin to scream and pace and attempt to claw my way out the window.
I tucked a strand of my rich chocolate-colored cheek length side bangs behind my ear and my eye twitch slightly as it always tended to do when I was clearly agitated or kind of intimidated.
Sighing for a final time I cursed myself for actually wearing sandals instead of my usual sneakers to save myself from the linoleum to shoe tapping that only boosted my anxiety to a shitting my pants level.
"Hello, Sapphira. I'm Dr. Goody and I'll be seeing you in a moment so will you please come on over to my assistant's desk and fill out the appropriate paperwork?" I asked kindly in my overly cheery borderline phony voice that I used to avoid any awkward situations which were indisputably my worst enemy.
My face lost some of its color and my apparent freckles that scatter across my whole face and neck stood out like black spots on a dairy cow when Sapphira took my hand, shook it slowly, and as her long slender fingers drew back and curled into fists at her side, left a post it note in palm.
I didn't want to seem unprofessional and rush to the bathroom and sanitize my hands with toilet detergent just yet so I just gave her a quick smile and nudged her with my blue-green eyes to go on into my sign in guy's office.
Eric, my assistant as I filed in behind Sapphira was petrified on the site as soon as he caught site of her. He went nail still and was as stiff as a strand of hair with three spurts too much of heavy duty hairspray. I couldn't quite blame him but for some reason I couldn't help but to keep myself from breaking out in an evil cackle at his misery for some unknown reason…(Aww, you guys know it will be no fun without a little Eric Being Tortured scenes right?? I hope Amethystte is happy with this little arrangement, no?)
Anyways, I didn't want her to turn around and inflict pain on me at the moment so I just as casually as I could made my way to my office and sat down on my comfy roller chair and turned my palm upward and pried the red sticky and cherry scented wad of a post it note off my hand and read her writing.
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Don't tread in my applesauce bitch. I warn ye now cuz this is my show and you're just another duckling on a croc's shit list. Beware and remember something straight…Sunny D makes the world go round, bitches! And, Ame-kitty chan is taking me out for BBQ afterwards if I "behave" and I tell you now, Goody Goody Two Shoes, if I don't get my BBQ then there will be hell to pay!:)
Crinkles and Crap,
Sapphira.
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Let's just say if there ever was a time in my life that I could give a damn less about sanity, it would be now. Honestly, what the hell have I gotten myself into!!??
...!
End of story.
Oh no, no, no, no…there's not going to be any flowers, funeral arrangements, people crying, a tombstone. Nah, knowing my luck, they will think I'm on some Caribbean cruise for a year and will not miss me when I'm actually in some bat cave being tortured and mutilated for some jashinism ritual and have a damn sword through my collar bone and a fucking roach eating my damn pinky toe across the dungeon floor!!!
No damn way! Never…
"Hey!" Hoe shit! S-she's i-in my o-of-office!
I saw her then and I was likely to die on the scene. She was dressed up like Dorothy off of the Wizard of Oz and holy skipping frog shit…Beyond was in a picnic basket and sure as hell looks pissed in his puppy ears!
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Shallow…strangled…desperate…breaths.
Bang! I hit my desk, forehead first and knocking myself successfully unconscious. Well…at least if I'm asleep I can't feel what she does.
Some Time Later…
Hmm, when I wake up I notice several things…one, there's tons of damn flying monkey ass bat things soaring above my head looking about ready to gouge my eyes out with their talon/monkey fingers.
Second of all, why the effin hell is there damn munchkins prancing around my body throwing daisies and gumdrops on me like they're trying to bury me in a tomb of perpetual sweetness and embalm me with sugar where I can feed bees thirty five generations from now???
And three, Deidara, Hidan, and Amethystte…holy spotted zebra I must be seeing things because there's no way…
Yes, I must have finally lost all connections with reality and drifted of into the alter realm of French fry natural wonders and caffeine cities…most definitely the case.
Sooo, anyone else thinking along the same lines?? I mean seriously! Look at them!!
Hidan is supposedly the Tin Man from my perspective considering that he's wearing silver slacks and no shirt except for matching silver suspenders and mafia boots. Point being he was drop dead gorgeous and looking down at me like I was some alien.
Deidara was no better I'm afraid. He was an…amazingly fine Scarecrow. He presented himself in an unbuttoned plaid shirt to show off his tan, a pair of low riding jeans, cowboy boots and a hot hat along with his tousled golden hair? Damn, what did Sapphira do to them?
They could be male models…(Sorry if I'm making anyone drool at their mental images…haha it only gets better folks!)
Amethystte was without a doubt, interpreting the Cowardly Lion. Cough, cough, that outfit included a set of poofy paws, a one piece bathing suit that was a golden color, a mane made of her brunette and blonde hair extensions (I know…I have to make it work Ame-chan so lets just say the extensions are temporary) and framed her face in some hooker, feral slash evil lioness way. She also had slippers that were out of proportion and paw shaped and she had a tail attached to the back of her swimsuit which she was currently twirling between her fingers.
Just…great.
She had successfully role-played transforming into The Wizard of Oz characters…now, what the hell does any of this have to do with therapy??
Honestly, I think I may have an actual clue!
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Aww, why are all of you doubting my abilities by giving each other shifty looks and are twitching away from me slowly but surely for!?
All I was going to suggest was that Sapphira may have been trying to act out her life up until some point where she perhaps was in the place of Dorothy and faced some problem involving Toto getting hit with a broom by a mean ass old lady…a tornado wiping out her aunt and uncle's farmhouse with her in it…she being uh, sent to some unknown place where the house lands on the Wicked Witch of The East and she steals the ruby slippers…
OK! I get the point, maybe she is doing something totally unrelated in order for me to die slowly and sigh, painfully.
But…at least it was a good guess right?
Ouch…it felt like all your eyebrows raising and looking at me like you were my teacher and I was the student asking an impossibly dumb ass question just after you said there were no stupid questions.
Yeah, a smack across the face for proving you wrong right…ouwwy!
Anyways! With everyone including the munchkins, bat monkeys, Dorothy, Toto, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man looking at me I was truly beginning to wonder if I had something on my face but, alas I fought off the nerve to ask and rub my cheek to get off the apprehending applesauce or pizza or whatever and just returned a panicky gaze back at them.
"Hey, yeah? Are you in, like, shock or something, Miss Goody, yeah?" Deidara asked, obviously concerned (and totally hot!), while his blue eyes showed confusion and something along the lines of him fighting back whether or not to help me up from my half-encased burial ground of candy.
"Y-yeah…mind explaining?" I asked back, deciding to just look at him instead of everyone to seem just a bit more civilized and less awkward.
"Uhhh, can I say that you are one hot ass Wicked Witch of the West?" Came Hidan's voice from Deidara's left where he stood, his arms crossed –successfully making himself look badass firefighter!- as he smirked in my direction.
Then I knew what all of this was about for sure…
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Sorry, I was just gawking at how badly I had been Punk'd by a bunch of immature high school graduates on their first year in the real world.
Yes, it burns. Like, as if some fat kid took your Twinkie and smeared dog shit on it then fed it to their crony who in turn looked like some incested hillbilly who just smiled after devouring it and then spit a loogie onto your new Death Note shirt.
Painful.
Which reminds me to ask:
"How in the hell do you guys get away clean from shit like this!? Harassing your therapist, stripping her and redressing her to look like a fictional character while she's knocked out, then you try and embalm me with candy…where the fucking hell did you get monkey bat things??"
Dumbstruck would be my diagnosis.
Starstruck would be theirs.
I was nothing but a prank object at this point in time.
"We got them off of the Black Market…really cheap since Sapphira is such a con-lady and stuff." Amethystte said finally while smiling cheekily and itching her "mane."
"Ahhh, sooo…Sapphira! Are you really out to kill me in the most sadist way known to human kind?"
Aw, yeah, you know me…just trying to make sure about petty matters like death. I don't have life insurance yet…or retirement options.
Really, I'm a teenaged unprofessional, uncertified, unidentified, and a total not-supposed-to-be-in-this-joint person that just so happened to get bored while playing hookie from school…decides to role play as a therapist…gets stuck with a bunch of fictional characters that are in her fanfics…absolutely far-fetched yet sooo very true.
"Nope, I got my BBQ so we're all good…cherry lolli?" She smiled while handing me a cherry sucker precariously wrapped in a plastic wrapper.
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Yup, insert every person gasping as they read this because if you know one thing about Sapphira it's that she never EVER shares her cherry suckers with ANYONE.
"You want it or not?" She asked again, shaking it back and forth slowly, mesmerizingly while still smiling.
Okay, so I may be the following:
Naïve.
Irresponsible.
Kinda-Sorta Comical.
Mean.
But, can't a naïve irresponsibly partially funny and cruel person be let some slack after they had some random uprising of The Wizard of Oz character cosplaying action take place within the same facility as discussing emotional disturbances?
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Of course not. So I take the cherry lollipop, so what!? Deidara, Hidan, Amethystte, SOMEONE would warn me if there was anything for me to worry about…
"Well, since I'm too exhausted mentally and physically to show you guys out, I trust that you can commit arson upon this hellish building after I walk out the front door instead of before and I believe you can safely escape from a fire exit and not get yourselves killed within that time sooo, yeah, remember to take the tags off the costumes next time idiots."
"Yet another end to a wondrous oneshot, eh Wizard?" I asked booming voice coming from the intercom above my head as I woke up from my Careers Exploration class.
"Car rider numbers 70, 43, 113, 124, 67…and 133. Thank you." Yep, just another great accomplishment on my part!
Now…where the hell did my gum go I was chewing about forty five minutes ago??"
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Of course she does…Sapphira jacks my own abc gum and uses it as an elastic to shoot Skittles across the table, aiming for my face.
Just. Dandy:)
Oooooooooooooooooookay! Did you like? No? Well, once again I shall say that you cannot douse my eternal flame of gratitude towards myself and the arrogance of how awesome I feel so…..go ahead and review! Flame me, love me, just don't be Hating too much!
I appreciate criticism and compliments sooooo fave, subscribe…yes, knowing you guys love me makes me happy and joyous!
~Goody!?? O.o"
(Paranoid Panda Face!)