"What is it?" Rose asked impatiently. The Doctor had been hopping about the TARDIS in his usual way, until suddenly his motions- pulling levers pressing knobs- seemed impatient and irritable. He seemed distracted lately. Well, more distracted than usual she corrected. She knew that he was struggling with something. She thought maybe it was big. Very important. "Is something happening?"
"Oh, something's always happening Rose Tyler." The Doctor responded with just a bit too much enthusiasm.
"To you, I mean. Is there something wrong with you?" She asked, moving close to the control console to glare at him in her inquisitive way.
"Nah, I'm Alright." He answered, meeting her glare without a smile. "I'm always alright." Yup, that's about it. He was always "alright". Rose felt a bubble of anger rise up in her chest. How many adventures had she been on? How many times had she been the deciding factor that saved his life? How many times had she saved his? Hell, she'd taken in the time vortex! And still, all she ever got from him was "alright".
"You're impossible. D'ya know that?" Rose felt her concern morph into impatience, and she was indignant at being left out all of the time. She travelled with The Doctor. For how long? Years maybe - it was hard to tell. Possible years she'd been here, by his side and that still hadn't earned her even a glimpse? "Would it really be so bad for you to let it go for just a second? Just for a second to let even a tiny bit of what your feeling show?" She stomped a few feet away, sitting on the railing with arms crossed. "What would that look like, Doctor?"
"Right then! Off we go – The Naufen sunsets are beautiful. I'm in the mood for one. Allons – y!" Suddenly the Doctor's motions were back to normal, flipping switches and dancing around the center console like a ridiculous ballerina.
Rose pushed her prodding aside, willing herself to forget the insult of his silence. Fearing for a moment that he thought her unworthy to hear his inner thoughts. she tried to convince herself he was protecting her. Whatever was on his mind, he would tell her when it mattered. She hoped he would, at least. She stood up and braced herself for the landing.
Naufen was a poor choice he thought. After all, a romantic indigo sunset with blazing streaks of pink and orange swirling above is not the place to stifle one's feelings. Still, the distraction had worked and Rose had dropped her line of questioning. Sitting next to him now leaning back on her elbows, the question she had asked echoed in his mind. What would it look like? If he let go of his own sense of honor and secrecy, his defenses long built and necessary for the last of his kind. If he stopped trying to protect himself, to protect her. What would that moment look like? And what would Rose think of it all?
Looking at her now, face glowing in indigo twilight he thought he just might do it. He might be able to say the words that shuffled n his mind at all times. Words like "beauty" and "need", like "hope" and "feeling". Words like "love".
But just the thought of forming the vowels and consonants in his mouth made his throat tighten. He couldn't do it. He wasn't ready. Wasn't capable. After everything she'd seen, everything he was - after everything he was - and wasn't, he was just not up to that task.
Rose strolled into the console room, fresh and ready for a new adventure. They'd been drifting about for days, the Doctor seemed unsure of where he wanted to go next. Instead, he let the TARDIS orbit Naufen, and Rose mill about the TARDIS rooms. She was going rather stir crazy, but was not quite sure if the Doctor was ready to move on. She leaned against the railing, looking at nothing in particular, trying to decide if he was somehow upset with her.
"I've thought about it." The Doctor's voice tore Rose from her train of thought. He looked up at her, leaning over the console.
"About what?" Rose asked, expecting some wild adventure to begin any moment. A smile tugged at her lips as she tried to decipher the odd look on his face.
"You're question, about what it would look like." He stood up, letting his arms rest at his sides for a moment before putting them in his pockets. Rose's face remained blank, and he rolled his eyes, "You asked me what it would look like if I let go for a moment and let my feelings show. Goodness Rose Tyler do you even listen to yourself?"
Despite herself Rose laughed. "Well forgive me if I'm not accustomed to picking up conversations in the middle 4 days after they were started!" Smiling, she pushed off the railing and met him near the center console. Arms crossed and ready to hear whatever it was he was trying to say. "So- what's it then?"
"Its hard to explain. I'm much better at showing than explaining things like that." He frowned, looking down into her face. "But I'm not sure you'd like it."
"Oh yeah?" Rose looked back indignant. "Well I asked didn't I? Sounds to me like you're just making excuses." She was afraid, but worked not to show it. Bravado was her go-to defense and she employed it skillfully looking up at him.
"I am not!" He looked insulted.
"Then prove it!" Rose spat back, a smile tugging at the edge of her lips.
The Doctor lowered his voice . "Alright. But you asked for it. It can't be unseen." He seemed serious. Rose wondered if he was going to take her to some huge explosion, some heartbreaking devastation. She worried that he was going to take her to the place where he wasn't The Doctor. The moment he worked so long to distance from. She was afraid of what that meant. She steeled her will for whatever he was going to throw at her.
"Show me." She whispered.
In an instant he pulled his hands from his pockets and stepped toward her. He snaked one arm around her waist and cupped her jaw in the other hand, pulling her to him. Easing himself into his own feelings, showing her little by little, he kissed her. His lips were not demanding, not coarse or carnal. This kiss was one of understanding. He willed her to feel what he was feeling. His hearts pounded and he felt light headed. He willed her to feel that, to understand the crippling effect she had on him.
Rose was more than surprised. She was astonished, excited and hopelessly lost in the waves of tenderness that the Doctor radiated. Instinctively she kissed him back, pressing her body to him in reply. She brought her hands to his chest, curling her fingers in his jacket and holding on tight.
He broke the kiss and looked down at her. "It would look like that. But more. So much more, Rose Tyler. And forever, never stopping, not for an instant." He whispered, emotion quivering in his voice.
"I- we – but you never said." Rose stammered, trying to recover from the tingling sensations still oscillating through her body. She clutched his jacket harder, remembering that she was standing, and not floating. Her bravado was shattered and she was flooded with impossible contradictory emotions. She was happy and relieved but also confused and lost.
"I told you. I'm much better at showing." He smiled into her face, catching her eyes in his. He wondered how this would change things for him. He saw infinite possibilities, possible futures for the two of them. Many good, some bad. An ancient fear common to all who have loved panged at his chest. He was lost now, and I he didn't know if he could bare to lose her. After everything he'd been and everything he'd done he didn't deserve happiness. He was still atoning for an ancient sin and he knew. He just knew that the universe would take her from him. This single thought is what kept him from her all this time. This single thought that he'd managed to quiet for the seconds when his lips met hers, this thought began to echo in his mind again.
She looked up at him. His eyes were filled with such depth and feeling, Rose felt all other feelings melt away. Surrender, love, and hope were all that remained.
"Show me again." She whispered, and dissolved his hesitation.