Disclaimer: This is merely a humorous, non-profit little snippet, which uses the lovely characters provided by the genius of Jay Kay Arr. (If I get any comments saying that JKR wrote Harry Potter, not "Jay Kay Arr" I will scream and curse innocent bystanders into oblivion.)
DEATH EATER INTERVIEWS
Chapter 1: Crap
X-x-X
Lord Voldemort sat at his desk, the tips of his fingers pressed together. Perched on top of his head was a top hat, because recently dear ol' Voldie has been feeling mildly insecure about his hair. (Or lack thereof)
Stranding at his side was none other than Draco Malfoy, clutching a very long piece of parchment, and looking slightly harassed. There were several reasons for that – including the fact that he lost kudos for 'chickening out', as a certain insecure Dark Lord has put it, at the end of a very important mission. The main reason for Master Malfoy's less than sweet disposition, however, was the fact that the same insecure Dark Lord had recently shaven off his lovely blonde hair, causing him to lose kudos not only as a Death Eater, but also among fangirls.
He sighed at the thought, and sadly ran his fingers over his bold scalp.
"So, have you got the list, Malfoy?" The Dark Lord formerly known as Tommy inquired.
"Evidently, my lord," Draco replied. He did indeed have the list of applicants for the Death Eater position, and it was the time for the interviews. Poor Draco, who was also suffering from pangs of insecurity these days, was not very happy of being the Dark Lord's assistant for today. And so he sighed again.
"So, who do we have first?"
Draco looked down at the names on the list for the first time, and he did not like what he saw. He sighed yet again.
"Have you gone deaf, boy? Who is the first applicant?" Volders barked, sounding more like Vernon Dursley than his usual high-pitched self.
"Crap, my lord." Came the reply of his assistant. Draco actually smirked now, forgetting that after his character development in the 6th year at Hogwarts, a sigh would have been a more appropriate trademark gesture.
"I beg your pardon?" The Dark Lord went for a more posh response this time, hoping that his Vernon Dursley impersonation will be forgotten. (Little did he know.)
He would have raised an eyebrow as well, but that brought him back his lack-of-hair issues. Seeing as he was naturally bold, he also lacked eyebrows, and the thought was painful. He suddenly remembered that he forgot to shave off Draco's eyebrows, and mentally slapped himself for it.
"It says 'Crap' here. As the first name on the list, you know." Draco responded with a sigh, still smirking inwardly. It's hard to get a habit like that out of one's system, you know.
"And so we have an applicant named Crap. Happens to the best of us, I guess. Might be from a pureblood family from some distant country, where the word has a more decent meaning..." The Dark Lord pondered. "If we accept this one, we'd have to arrange a change of name to something more...ah, respectable and possibly menacing. Shall we let him in?"
Draco coughed at this, but then remembered that it would be unwise to add any more trademark gestures at this point, seeing as he was already having trouble controlling the smirks and the sighs, so he quickly covered up the cough with another sigh.
Lord Voldie-Poo, as some of the braver Death Eaters recently started referring to him, gave Draco Malfoy a quizzical look, and pressed the magical button on his desk, opening the door for the first applicant. The significance of the button will be expanded upon in a situation where there is no suspense regarding the mysterious new character. Well, as mysterious as a character can be, having been dubbed 'Crap'.
"Eh...hullo," The newcomer muttered in a low voice, adding a bit to that weak sense of mystery.
The weak sense of mystery which was instantly dissolved by Draco Malfoy's cry of "Crabbe!", for this bulky stranger wrapped in a green cloak with purple polka dots was none other than his former schoolmate.
Draco would have even sung the chorus of "It's a Small World After All", if not for the concerns of having to stay in character. Which really is a pity, considering that he is an excellent singer. This has been confirmed by Moaning Myrtle, who numerous times had joined him in a duet in the boys bathroom on the seventh floor. Draco often looks back on those incidents and mutters "Good times, good times" under his breath, adding a few heavy sighs.
"Crabbe?" The Dark Lord asked, involuntarily raising the bit of skin where an eyebrow ought to be, and mentally slapping himself again. After all, sadistic people often resort to masochistic tendencies, if only internally. "You mean Crabbe junior? His father is in prison now."
Vincent Crabbe grunted, wrapping his vivid cloak more tightly around himself. He looked confused, or perhaps dense. He didn't get any character development, other than the discovery of his displeasure at being asked to transform into young girls. Which really isn't even promising character development, since it reduces the probability of him showing further interests in the following: drag, paedophilia, kinky experiments, sex changes, career in the Magical Co-operation Department at the Ministry of Magic.
What a pity.
Moving on.
"Yeah," said Vincent Crabbe.
"Why did you apply under the non de plume of 'Crap'?" The Dark Lord wanted to know.
"He just can't spell, my lord." Draco Malfoy explained dully. He started yawning, but sighed instead.
"So... Why are you seeking to fill the position of Death Eater?" Lord Voldemort asked the well rehearsed question. He practiced it in front of the mirror every morning for the two weeks after he scheduled the interviews.
"Uh... Coz my dad did it, and Malfoy is a Death Eater, and yeah..."
Tommy wasn't exactly pleased with this reply, but he did find it adequate.
"And are you prepared to offer your undying loyalty and a lifetime of servitude to the Dark Lord?" He continued. Somehow the phrase sounded more smoothly menacing during his practice sessions.
"...Who?" Asked Vincent Crabbe.
"Scribble him down as a reserve, Malfoy." The Dark Lord said, waving his hand airily at poor bald Draco, who complied without saying a word. He merely sighed, the most recent fangirl incident replying in his mind.
"Oh, Drakie!" The curvy redhead squealed in her usual delighted tone as she tackled him during his early morning jog around the Death Eater Headquarters. Since the Dark Lord banned him from going on broom rides for some twisted reason of his jealous mind, he was reduced to jogging to keep in shape.
He found himself pinned to the hard and pointy sidewalk, with a familiar bunch of red curls in his face. This one was one of the oldest, hardcore fangirls. She used to sleep in a tree outside his window at the Malfoy Manor when he was younger.
But now her big, crazed, worship-filled eyes slowly lost their insanity. She looked down at him, sense dominating her features.
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Her voice was neither huskily seductive nor even high-pitched. She got up and left.
Ah, the pain! It burnt poor Draco and his ego; it almost reduced him to tears.
"Did you not hear what I just said, Malfoy?" Tommy snarled. He sounded a bit happy though. Draco beat him in having eyebrows, but he was partially deaf, which made the Dark Lord superior over him in the hearing department.
He assured himself that the ability to hear is more important than the ability to raise eyebrows. Real, hairy eyebrows.
"Potter has nice eyebrows" he noted. And then he realised that he said it out loud.
And then Malfoy did it. The worst thing he could possibly do to offend his master. The greatest sin possible at that very instance. He slowly, tasting the retaliation, raised one sleek, blond eyebrow.
The Dark Lord screamed. He was never in a more personally challenging and dangerous situation. In fact, he could only think of one way to fix the problem.
"Obliviate!" he squeaked out, pointing his wand at poor bald Draco, who didn't even have time to sigh. He was hit squarely in the bald head by the silver ray of light, which took away his memory and his sanity.
So Draco smirked, because he had the right to, now that he forgot all about the character development.
X-x-X
Author's Notes: My first attempt at a story here. I wrote this at school, being bored out of my mind in Graphics. Anyways, there might be more chapters, if people like it and I feel like writing more.
Hello to my fellow crazy fangirls from Quizilla Forums -glomps-
All my love to Sevvy. He'll get a big part in this if I write more.
Some reviews would be nice. More than nice.