A/N: Purely crack. This chapter is pretty jumpy but there's nothing to be done about that. The next will be more flowing. Not intended to make any kind of sense.

The Great Body Swap Caper

Chapter 1: Kutner's Acute Fear of Death

"CB, go away!" House said as he opened the door to a patients room.

"Well, I'm bored. Wilson is taking far too long. I feel the need to bond with my favorite diagnostician."

"Do you guys mind?" Kutner asked from near the patient's bed. "This chick's crashing, can I get a crash cart!"

"But she's wet," Amber said, looking shocked.

"So? That doesn't really matter right now!" Kutner said as House came over to assist him.

Amber watched, a little perturbed as Kutner charged the defaulters.

"She's still wet, Kutner," House said, taking a few towels from the nurse.
"Oh fucking well."

The force of the shock was tremendous and the last thing Amber heard was the heart monitor returning to normal.

"Oh God." Kutner stepped out of the room. "Hey can I get some help in here?" he called. "Some people are unconscious…" he told a nurse. She hurried into the room and he stepped into the hall. "Wilson is going to kill me."

"What happened?" Thirteen asked, looking at Kutner suspiciously.

"Well. The defib…and…Amber and House are unconscious."

"Amber was in a patients room why?"

"She was bored. But that's not what's important. I've simultaneously injured Wilson's girlfriend and best friend. He's going to kill me."

"Somehow, I doubt it. Come on. They'll be fine."

Kutner and Thirteen walked back to the conference room where Taub and Foreman were gathered.

"Where's House?" Taub asked suspiciously.

"He's unconscious," Thirteen said, cutting over Kutner.

"What?"

"He and Amber were in the room with Kutner and they had to shock a patient and Amber and House were knocked out by the shock because the patient had just gotten out of a shower."

The door opened and Wilson peeked in.

"Kutner. Come here," he said shortly.

Kutner walked over and Wilson shut the door.

"They're fine."

"So you aren't going to kill me?"

"Not yet, at least," he said sternly.

"They'll be okay?"

"I think so."

Kutner sighed in relief and Wilson walked away.

"So you aren't dead?" Taub said, sticking his head out the door.

"Not at the moment," he said, following the shorter man back in.

"Okay so what do we do?" Thirteen asked.

"Wait until House is conscious," Foreman said. "Nothing is really happening."

Taub leaned over and whispered in his ear, and Foreman laughed, with a significant look at Kutner, who raised an eyebrow.

"I've got some business to take care of," Foreman said suddenly, standing and leaving the room.

"So you'll do it?" Foreman asked Chase, smirking.

"It'll be a kick," he said, nodding.

"Good man," he said, clapping the blond on the back and handing him a bill. "That'll start it."

Chase nodded, smirking.

"You have a pool on Wilson killing me?" Kutner exclaimed, looking surprised.

"It's not my betting pool," Foreman said innocently.

Kutner rolled his eyes. "Great."

"It's fine, Wilson is completely harmless," Thirteen told Kutner. "They're just being jerks."

He sighed. "The sooner they both wake up, the better off I'll be."

Taub and Thirteen agreed, but Foreman just kicked his feet up on the table and stared at the newspaper crossword.

House opened his eyes and looked around. It was a hospital room. He remembered the shock but anything in between was out of his memory.

"What happened?" he muttered. His voice sounded wrong. His leg didn't hurt. He raised a hand to his face. He had a manicure.

He sat up and looking around frantically for a mirror. There was one beside the bed and he grabbed it and looked into it.

He was Amber Volakis.

"How did this happen?" he muttered, staring at his reflection in shock.

Amber groaned. Her leg hurt and her face was itching ridiculously. She sat up. "Wow…what happ-" she muttered. Something was wrong. Her voice was wrong. Her hands were masculine and looked like they had aged a decade since her last manicure.

"Nurse?" she called in a foreign (yet oddly familiar) voice.

A nurse popped in. "Yes Dr. House?" she asked.

Amber felt eyes that weren't really her own widen. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"About three hours," the nurse said. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all," she said, shaking her head and lying back down against her pillows.