Title: Honestly Ok
Author: CandyCentric
Genre: Angst-fic
Pairing: Can be read however you like, but technically I did write it as M/A - with Max doing the 'talking'.
Rating: T
Warnings: This fic may be short, but it presents a pretty bleak outlook on the characters life. Not a 'happy ending' kinda story. (No death, tho)
Status: Complete?
Summary: Eh, not much to summarize. Basically, someone is itting at a bar, doing some thinking. All first-person p.o.v.
HONESTLY OK
by:
CandyCentric
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I just want to feel - safe in my own skin
I just want to be - happy again
I just want to feel - deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day - if I was safe in my own skin I just want to feel safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel - so lost and so frightened
But this is today - and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to be happy again
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
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It's been three months since my heart stopped, yet sitting here I seem to die a little bit more each day.
You see, I had it. Never thought I would, but I had it all. The big picture - the purpose of life - it all boils down to one word.
Happiness.
True happiness.
I'm not talking about getting that new car you always wanted or hanging out with your friends on off hours. I mean the real thing; Or, at least as close as you can come to it in this messed up world. And I was close. Real close.
It was in my hands.
In my arms.
In my heart.
Doesn't matter now, though.
It's gone.
I had it, and now it's all gone.
I don't blame myself though. Why would I? It's not like I did anything wrong - And I don't feel bad about it either. All I did was give my love, my heart, to someone else. It's not my fault I had a bad childhood. It's not my fault I couldn't say 'I love you'. It's not my fault I took it all for granted.
That's not what matters. What matters is it i wasn't /I my fault. Sure I may not have been perfect, but it wasn't me that threw it all away. I may have shook the cards, but I didn't bring down the whole house.
I'm rambling now, aren't I? Sorry. This many drinks will do that to a person. It's funny actually; I used to think Transgenics couldn't get drunk.
Wrong.
You just have to want it bad enough. Guess that old saying is true: 'You can do anything if try hard enough.'
Heh. Yeah, well - works for me. Maybe I just want it enough. Yeah, that must be it.
Either way, it's the only friend I got left. It's been real good to me, too. My constant companion.
Makes me feel better, and then it doesn't make me feel at all. Helps me to not care - to forget. But most importantly:
Alcohol doesn't cheat.
Oh, I forgot. I'm not supposed to think about that. Guess I still got a ways to go tonight, huh? That's alright - the bartender is headed this way and it looks like he's bringing mesome more medicine. It's a good thing, too - my head was almost starting to clear up. And we can't have that now, can we?
Because this is my life. Right here, right now.
Just don't ask me about tomorrow, because I don't know. Maybe I'll still be here, sitting at this bar - or maybe I'll be gone.
All I know is it's been three months since my heart stopped,and sitting here I seem to die a little bit more each day.
Comments & criticism welcome and appreciated.
A/N - Lyrics are from the song 'Honestly Ok' by Dido. If you haven't heard it yet, your really missing out. Also, I originally thought of this as a one-shot, but while writing it I did think of a thing or two that might be added (like, you know, theactual story part - lol). Anyway - if anyone thinks it's worth adding to, lemme know. :-)