Usual legal crap : pretty much all of the characters depicted in this fanfic are the property / creation of someone else. You all know who you are. I'm not stealing them, I'm just borrowing them for a little bit. Imitation and imagination are the sincerest forms of flattery.
Author's note: this whole story could easily be considered PG-13. You've been warned.
Revenge for Hire The Senshi Strike Back, part one
by Solarchos
Sighing loudly, Solarchos started walking down the street. It wasn't often he made a public appearance but they'd been insistent about it. Adjusting his Kevlar vest and making certain the package was securely under his arm, he entered one of the most screwed-up places on Earth.
Across the street Tuxedo Umino was fleeing for his life, minus his pants, from Haruka and Michiru, both of whom looked extremely pissed off.
"You're dead, Cape-Nerd!!!" screamed Michiru as she and Haruka pursued him closely. Haruka had a small scimitar-like sword out and her expression indicated she was looking forward to using it.
A little further on Solarchos passed a Tokyo City police car where a couple of female cops were just finished slapping handcuffs on Zoicite, arresting him for "energy draining without a license."
"You can't do this to me!" screamed Zoicite as the two cops shoved him into the trunk (not the back seat – the trunk; Zoicite doesn't get a lot of respect).. "I'm a general of the Dark Kingdom!"
"Oh, cry me a river, ya freak!" snapped the blond-haired cop as she slammed the lid shut. The two cops quickly got back in their car and drove off.
Solarchos gulped in fear, his hand going for the Glock-17 he had under his jacket, as he heard the sound of singing coming from behind him.
"Rain or shine…I'm happiest…when I'm with…"
"YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH…GET HER…!!!!" He turned around just in time to see ChibiUsa get tackled by Kaorinite, Aluminum Siren, Calaveras, and PallaPalla. Gripping the squealing pink sugar-demon tightly, the four girls pulled her off to the side and began to pummel the stuffing out of her. Solarchos found himself strangely amused by the sight of it all.
"Kill the spore! Drink her blood!" chanted Siren.
"PallaPalla's gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you!" said PallaPalla as she jammed a syringe into ChibiUsa's butt. A moment later ChibiUsa began to convulse and froth at the mouth as the insulin she'd been injected with triggered a massive allergic reaction. The four girls stepped back and watched with great interest as ChibiUsa began to look like she was trying to breakdance. It was funny as hell.
Solarchos moved on after a minute or so. He would've liked to stay longer, and he especially wouldn't have minded accepting the four villain-girl's invitation to go with them to the beach where they intended to bury ChibiUsa up to her neck in the sand. Unfortunately, he was busy with so many other things. Stepping around Sailor Saturn, who was busy sweeping the sidewalk (her glaive had a detachable broom head) he finally arrived at his destination: a small office building. A small signboard next to the front door indicated what businesses operated there. The first floor was the home of something called "Kiki's Delivery Service." The second floor belonged to the "Galaxia Talent Agency." The top floor belonged to none other than the Dark & Dead Revenge for Hire.
Going carefully up the stairs, Solarchos was nearly knocked over by two shrieking girls in school uniforms as they charged recklessly down the stairs in a blind panic. Galaxia suddenly appeared at the second floor landing with a shotgun.
"No more knock-knock jokes, you fething idiots!!!" she bellowed at the top of her lungs as she fired off a couple of shots at the fleeing girls (missing them, of course). "If I catch either one of you bastards coming around here again I'm gonna terminate the both of you!!" Galaxia was obviously in a really bad mood because she continued chasing after the girls. "Do you hear me?! I'm gonna go Keyser Soze on your asses!!" Solarchos shrugged and moved on.
"Yeah!" shouted Iron Mouse as the TV program she, Kunzite, Petz, and Tellu were watching got interesting.
"Jerry…Jerry…Jerry…!" chanted the other three villains. Meanwhile, Mistress Nine and Esmeraude were in the kitchenette practicing a recipe from the Anarchist's Cookbook. Ail, Ann, Black Lady, and Rubius were playing "Villain Monopoly", their own version of the game in which you could firebomb your opponent's properties. JunJun was passed out on top of the pool table, snoring loudly, and Nephrite was asleep on the floor underneath the card table (Ail and Ann were using him as a footrest).
"What the hell are Mamoru Chiba and Usagi Tsukino both doing on the Jerry Springer Show?" asked Petz a minute later.
"Especially on an episode called "Stay away from my lover"?" added Tellu.
"…this freak won't leave my Mamo-chan alone!" a rather frustrated Usagi was shouting to Jerry.
"Well, let's bring this freak out!" replied Jerry, "Please welcome…"
"Fiore!!??" shouted all the villains, sweatdropping big-time.
"Oh, this is just wrong!" commented Kunzite. Just then someone knocked on the door. "Somebody get that…this is way too interesting."
"Oh, come on, you can't be that surprised," said Esmeraude as she went to the door, "I think we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later." She opened the door. "Solarchos?! What are you doing here?"
"Woo-hoo!" called out Petz. "He's finally gonna hire us to nail that backstabbing friend of his!" Esmeraude yanked him inside.
"Hey! Everyone!" called out Iron Mouse. "We got ourselves a job!"
"Hold it!" shouted Solarchos. "I'm not here to hire you guys to fight my battles. I'm just here to drop off this for Eudial and give you an update on your "special tactical transport"."
"Aww…!" replied Tellu, a little disappointed. "I was hoping you'd let us waste that rat-ass ex-friend of yours."
"So what is this thing Eudial wanted?" asked Ail. Solarchos quickly opened the box, revealing a long, grey-black rifle with a sniper scope.
"One Heckler & Koch MSG-90 sniper rifle with a targeting scope, laser sight, and improved muzzle-braking to cancel out most of the recoil," he explained, showing off the rifle. "Chambered for use with the 7.62 by 51 millimeter NATO standard rifle round and it loads from a twenty-round box magazine. I tested it out just to see if it worked properly. Needless to say, it does." A few of the villains whistled appreciably.
"I guess Eudial's trading up from her fire-buster thing, huh?' commented Ann.
"Nah," replied Mistress Nine. "She told me she just wants some additional firepower in case we ever run across another Pokemon nest." A few of the villains cringed at the memory. Meanwhile, Solarchos was glancing out the window and noticed something (besides Michiru and Haruka tackling Umino and bringing him down).
"Hey, Mousie," he said, "Heavy Metal Papillon's a lavender-haired looker, stands about shoulder-height to me, and wears an outfit that looks like something out of a Victoria's Secret catalog, right?"
"Pretty much," replied Iron Mouse, not taking her eyes off the TV. Fiore was chasing after Mamoru, someone had just thrown a chair, and Steve Wilkos the bodyguard was currently trying to subdue a completely hysterical Usagi (clumsy as hell, but slippery in the grasp . "Why?"
"She's putting flowers all over Nephrite's car and she's got this really weird look on her face…" There was a huge crash as Ail, Ann, Black Lady, and Rubius, as well as their table and game, were sent flying as Nephrite rushed over in a panic. He shoved Solarchos aside and slammed open the window.
"Get away from my car, you psychotic pyro!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He quickly grabbed Eudial's new rifle and started using it. Almost everyone else in the room quickly rushed over to the windows and watched. Esmeraude started taking bets on the outcome.
"Uh, exactly where is Eudial?" asked Solarchos. "And everyone else for that matter?"
"Well, Fiore's currently in a headlock on the Jerry Springer Show," said Iron Mouse, still watching TV. "Demando and Beruche are off doing something, Cyprine, VesVes, and Saffir are asleep…" A curious grin appeared on Iron Mouse's face as she pointed to a door nearby. "And Eudial's right in there. Just go on in. Don't knock, either…she's expecting you."
"All right," replied Solarchos, a little cautiously (this was all too weird). Nephrite suddenly collapsed to the floor sobbing as Heavy Metal Papillon succeeded in setting his car on fire. Esmeraude, JunJun, Rubius, Kunzite, Ail, Ann, and Petz all let out a cheer and rushed out of the room, intent on joining the small crowd that was gathering around the flaming car with hot dogs and marshmallows (and a struggling ChibiUsa). Someone in the crowd was singing "We don't need ChibiUsa let her burn yo burn yo, we don't need ChibiUsa let her burn…!" Mistress Nine shook her head as she watched them go.
"Bunch of idiots," she remarked as she turned back to whatever it was she was doing. Solarchos reached the door, hesitated for a moment…then gasped as Iron Mouse suddenly reached around from behind him, turned the knob, and pushed him into the bathroom.
"Hey, Eudial!" she shouted as Solarchos fell through. "Your boyfriend's here!!"
Solarchos managed to grab onto the sink and regain his balance. He looked up…and nearly had a nosebleed. Eudial stood before him wearing nothing but the towel she was drying herself off with and a shocked expression. He quickly dove out the door and slammed it shut before the screams began.
Iron Mouse rolled on the floor, laughing her ass off as a very red-faced Solarchos slid to the ground.
"What was that for?" asked Tellu.
"Aw, come on!" retorted Iron Mouse. "Everyone knows they're perfect for each other. Besides, I'm sure Solarchos has already seen everything before."
"No I haven't!" he growled. "Besides, I don't have time for a girlfriend!"
"You big liar," replied Iron Mouse, smiling kawaiily. "You know you like her. You cannot resist the power of the red side."
"Muzzle it, Mouse!"
"Oh come on! Let us in on it! What exactly goes on when she goes to check on the progress of her secret project? Are you two "testing the suspension"?" Solarchos' face turned red. "Come on! Spill it! I don't have any kind of romantic life. I'm four and a half feet tall and most people think I'm only ten years old or something. The only guys who're interested in me are total pedophiles. Gimme a break, Solarchos! Please!"
"Hey! Quit trying to pull a "Ryoko" on me! I came here specifically to give Eudial her gun and tell her that the transport's finished. I didn't expect to be put through an ecchi inquisition…"
Suddenly, without warning, there was a blast of trumpets and the door burst open. Sailors Mars, Lead Crow, and Tin Nyanko leapt in. All three of them were wearing white Shinto coats over their usual costumes and looked upon everyone with fierce grins.
"Nobody expects the Senshi Inquisition!!" cried out Sailor Mars. "Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear, fear and surprise, our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to Naoko Takeuchi...ack!" Lead Crow and Tin Nyanko gave Mars an irked look as the raven-haired girl paused for a second to collect her thoughts. "Amongst our weaponry…amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear…screw it. Let's try it again." Mars, Lead Crow, and Tin Nyanko quickly left the room, closing the door behind them. Nephrite, Iron Mouse, Tellu, Solarchos, and Mistress Nine were all silent for a moment.
Mistress Nine turned off the stove and headed for her room.
"That's it," she said, "The fumes are getting to me…" She closed the door behind her. At the same time Eudial, now wearing a bathrobe (red, of course) stormed out of the bathroom.
"What the hell were you trying to pull?!" she demanded. It took Iron Mouse a moment to realize she was addressing her.
"Hey, why are you yelling at me? He's the one who saw you naked…almost."
"Yeah, but you were the one who shoved him in." Iron Mouse put on her cutest expression.
"Little old me?" she replied. Eudial pulled out a damp towel and snapped Iron Mouse in the chest with it.
"Nice try, "squeaky"," snarled Eudial. "You can't do the "ChibiUsa Innocence Look". Besides, I saw you push him in." Eudial stopped for a moment and looked around, sniffing. "What the hell's going on here? What's that smell?"
"That would be Nephrite's car," replied Solarchos. "Heavy Metal Papillon torched it."
"Really?" said Eudial. "Sucks to be you, Nephrite." Nephrite flipped her off.
"We also got paid an unexpected visit from the Senshi," added Tellu. Suddenly, amidst a blast of trumpets, the door burst open (again) and Sailors Mars, Lead Crow, and Tin Nyanko leapt in (again), grinning like idiots.
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SENSHI INQUISITION!!" shouted Mars as the three of them skidded to a halt and took up authoritative positions. "Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Naoko Takeuchi, and nice, skimpy costumes that show off our butts…D'oh!!!" Mars smacked herself in the forehead while Tin Nyanko pulled back her leg and kicked Mars in the aforementioned butt. Mars quickly regained her composure and approached Solarchos. "Solarchos!! At least we meet. For your evil attempt to transform this gentle, wholesome, heart-warming story into a hentai lemon you have been accused of heresy against her highness Naoko Takeuchi-sama."
"Excuse me?!!" he exclaimed.
"Through your actions here you've been accused of heresy and now must be thoroughly interrogated to determine the level of evil within your soul," continued Mars. "Take him!" Lead Crow and Tin Nyanko leapt at him and dragged him to the ground. Nyanko sat on his back while Lead Crow tied him up with her whip.
"Uh, hello?" called out Eudial, waving her hands. "Warm and wholesome? This is a "Revenge for Hire" story! Those adjectives don't apply here!"
"Besides," added Tellu. "Iron Mouse was the one who pushed him into the bathroom and all that. Blame her!"
"Hey! Leave me outta this!" cried Iron Mouse.
"Silence foul temptress!!" shouted Mars. "The taint of heresy always falls upon the author of a fanfic." She dragged Solarchos to his knees and bent down to his face. "Soon you shall pay for the crime of attempting to corrupt the vision of Naoko Takeuchi. Let's go girls!" Lead Crow and Tin Nyanko cackled happily as they shoved an extremely befuddled Solarchos out the door. Tellu, Eudial, Nephrite, and Iron Mouse all stood in silence, sweatdropping big time.
"What the hell was that?" asked Eudial.
Petz happily munched on a hot dog as she and the rest of the Revenge for Hire gang walked through a more sedate section of Tokyo's downtown commercial district. Needless to say, they stuck out quite noticeably amidst the crowds of business-suited salarymen and secretaries.
"I can't believe this happened," said Demando for the tenth time. "How can the author get kidnapped?!"
"Hey, weird things happen in a Sailor Moon fanfic," commented Iron Mouse. Saffir reached down and gave her a wedgie.
"Watch your mouth, "squeaky"," he snarled. "Solarchos wouldn't be in this fix if it weren't for you." Iron Mouse (who was now in her suit and fedora) staggered a bit as she readjusted herself.
"Jerk!" she cried. "I like Solarchos, too! None of us would be here if it weren't for him. I don't wanna see him hurt. Or worse, brainwashed."
"I don't think that's possible," said Kunzite. "He's nowhere near as much of a dumbshit as Mamoru. Trust me, I know."
"So where are we going?" asked Mistress Nine as Eudial led them up to a large office building. People were giving them all a wide berth and uneasy stares, half-expecting them to blow up the building or something. Going over to a steel grill set into the sidewalk, Eudial pulled up a section and began climbing down a ladder into some steam tunnels.
"Come on, you dorks!" she called up as she reached the bottom. Demando went down next, followed by Saffir, then everyone else. Pulling out her famous gun, Eudial started it up and set it to continuously fire a very small amount of flame, lighting up the dark tunnels around them. She started walking quickly down one of the tunnels and everyone followed her, not wanting to be left alone in the dark.
"Uh, do you even know where you're going?" called out Ann as the tunnel turned and branched off a few times.
"Absolutely," called out Eudial as she opened another steel grill in the floor and began climbing down the ladder beneath it.
"Okay, so where are we going?" asked Nephrite, noticing some graffiti on the wall that said "Zoicite was here so lick me!".
"We're going to the most secret, most secure place on the planet," replied Eudial as she and the rest of the R4H gang began walking down the side of what appeared to be a disused section of the sewers.
"What? Sailor Moon's secret torture chamber?" asked Beruche.
"The Tokyo chapter of Fight Club?" asked VesVes.
"Chibi-chibi's nuclear stockpile?" inquired Black Lady.
"No, you idiots!" called out Eudial as she climbed up a ladder to a rickety steel walkway near the ceiling. Walking along, she kept her eyes on the meshwork beneath her feet, searching for a certain set of cuts in the metal. Finding them, she looked up, quickly found the panel overhead that had been painted grey, and pushed against it. She climbed up the trap door into another tunnel and everyone followed behind her.
"Eudial!" called out Nephrite, "Would you please tell us where we're going?!"
"Like I said, we're going to the most secure spot on Earth," she stated as they reached a large armored door. "The Bunker of Solarchos!"
Everyone was silent as Eudial walked up to the door.
"Holy shit!" whispered Rubius, "The Bunker!?"
"Wow!" We're actually going to see the inside of Solarchos' secret base here in Tokyo!" exclaimed JunJun.
"Not to mention we finally get to see just what this big secret project is that we've been hearing about for a while now," added Esmeraude.
"And get a peek into the mind of Solarchos," added Cyprine. "Damn, I wish I'd known this was where we were coming. Pikurol really wants to meet him." Meanwhile, Eudial was pounding on the door.
"Hey! Morrigan! Lisara! Talon! Somebody! Open up in there!" she yelled as she hammered away, "We've got a problem!" Suddenly a panel in the door slid open and the barrel of a rifle was pressed into her nose. "Uhhhh…"
"And what are you doing here?" asked the owner of the gun, her voice possessing a distinct Scottish accent. "Especially with such a large guest list?" Demando just happened to glance upwards at the ceiling, noting that part of the ceiling was steel grillwork. Something was moving up there…
"We've got a problem," explained Eudial. "A big one. Solarchos has been kidnapped…" The gun in her face was quickly withdrawn and the door slowly swung open on pneumatic hinges. Standing before Eudial were two very mismatched characters. The first was a tall, beautiful woman with green hair and bat-like wings. The second was a tiger-striped velociraptor that just happened to speak with the voice of Cheech Marin.
"Get in here, you stupid dingo!" shouted the velociraptor. Everyone quickly trotted inside.
"Where's Lisara at?" asked Eudial.
"Who's Lisara, for that matter?" asked Ail.
"One of Solarchos' oldest friends," said Morrigan. "She's one of the few people on this planet that he trusts completely. She's out shopping. Now what's going on?"
"Wait a sec," said Ann as they entered the Bunker. "Aren't you Morrigan Aensland? From DarkStalkers? What the hell are you doing here?" The green-haired succubus laughed a little as she closed and locked the door.
"Solarchos and I have been friends for years," replied Morrigan. "In fact, he's the one who introduced me to my husband, Talon." She happily threw her arms around the neck of the Raptor, who looked equally happy. Almost everyone else was facefaulting.
"You're married…?" stammered Kunzite.
"Si!" replied Talon the Raptor.
"To a velociraptor…?" added Saffir.
"Yeah, so?" retorted Morrigan.
"How's that even possible?" said Iron Mouse. "You two aren't even the same species?!"
"What are you, the species police?" replied Talon.
"Hey, Talon and I were the second truly interracial marriage on this planet," added Morrigan. "Solarchos organized the whole thing."
"Second?" asked Nephrite. "Who were the first?"
"Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy," replied Talon and Morrigan simultaneously.
"Where've you been living your whole life? A cave in another dimension?" added Talon.
"Uhhhhh…kinda," replied Nephrite.
"Anyways, if you got a problem with it I suggest you either start beating your head against the concrete walls of this place or sit down, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum real loud," ordered Morrigan. "You'll get the same results with either choice." Everyone retreated a little.
"Whoa, whoa! Calm down! We didn't mean it like that," said Iron Mouse, quickly. "It's just that you two seem like the most unlikely couple any of us can think of."
"Oh, like Madonna and Dennis Rodman were normal?" asked Talon.
"How about Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett?" said Morrigan.
"Here's a creepy thought: ChibiUsa and Helios actually getting together," added Talon. Iron Mouse thought for a minute.
"Yeah, I see your point," she said as they all walked down a short, broad, downward-sloping passageway, up a short flight of stairs, and entered a large room with a high, arched ceiling. Several doors were along the walls and a few passages led off. The whole room was oddly furnished. Old but well-kept tapestries and screens lined parts of the walls. The whole place was mostly decorated in a traditional Japanese style, but there were also parts that were clearly of Western origin. Several tables, couches, and chairs were placed throughout the room. Quite a few boxes were scattered around.
"Welcome to the entry room of the Bunker," announced Morrigan as they entered. "Solarchos' little hideaway here in Tokyo. Sorry about the mess but we're still moving in and getting set up. Solarchos found this place not too long ago. He's pretty sure it's a bomb shelter built during the Second World War when someone here heard rumors about the atomic bomb. Unfortunately, they apparently didn't get a chance to use it and it was totally forgotten until Solarchos found it. Bathroom's over there. Kitchen's over there. Arsenals are pretty much…everywhere."
"I can see that!" said Saffir as he went over to a table loaded down with several crates of Russian assault rifles. Black Lady, Demando, Rubius, Nephrite, and Esmeraude immediately rushed over and started helping themselves…
"Hey!!" screamed Eudial. "Put those away! We're here on official business, not for you bozos to load up and go postal in downtown Juuban!" She sighed and turned back to Morrigan. "Before he was nabbed by the Senshi, Solarchos mentioned that the transport's ready. Is that true?"
"Just finished it last night," said Talon. "Everything's loaded and running. We just haven't given it shakedown yet."
"Well, we're about to test it out now," said Eudial. "We need it. If we're going up against the Sailor Senshi then we're going to need some serious firepower that doesn't require long-winded speeches, weird names, or messed-up moves to use." Morrigan scratched her chin thoughtfully and glanced over at Talon. They both nodded and smiled.
"I think," said Talon. "That you may be in luck."
Large reinforced doors slowly slid open, revealing the secret vehicle construction facility of the Bunker. Talon and Morrigan led everyone forward into the facility, passing by several of Solarchos' "works-in-progress": a partially-assembled and heavily-modified Abrams tank mounting a railgun instead of a cannon, a modified MiG-31 Foxhound, three identical copies of Eudial's car (another Sailor Moon mystery solved), an Apache attack helicopter, an A-10 Warthog, a few battlemechs from MechWarrior, and lastly, standing in the furthest corner of the place, surrounded by metal gantries, cranes, and machinery…
"There it is," said Morrigan proudly. Everyone's jaw dropped as they stared at the huge, fifty-foot high armored monstrosity.
"That's not a "special-purpose tactical vehicle"!" exclaimed Black Lady. "That's a f---ing All-Terrain Armored Transport from "The Empire Strikes Back"!!"
"Where the hell did you get something like that?!" cried Petz.
"Oh, I managed to find it at an on-line police auction," explained Eudial as they all walked towards the AT-AT. "Someone named Nanvel was selling it. It didn't have any weapons and most of the computer systems had to be replaced but Solarchos and his friends took care of that."
"He managed to scrounge up quite a few Russian weapon systems and we bought the electronics we needed on-line from someone named Washuu," added Morrigan.
"How much did this thing cost us?" asked Demando.
"Not as much as you think," said Eudial. "Russia's pretty much the garage sale of the world and everything else was either from the auctions or the product of Solarchos' jury-rigging. Still, I was surprised we had that much money in our bank accounts…" She scanned everyone with an angry scowl. "Does this have anything to do with those persistent rumors about us being called the Dark and Dead Whorehouse?" No one answered, although Nephrite looked a little nervous. Meanwhile, they were climbing up the metal stairs that led up to the large open hatch in the side of the D&D AT-AT.
"So…what's this thing do exactly besides make a lot of noise and stomp cars?" asked Ann.
"What? Like that's not enough?" retorted Rubius, giving her a weird look.
"Uhh, it's got a lot of guns," said Talon. Morrigan pulled out a clipboard from down the front of her outfit(a la Washuu).
"Solarchos wrote it all down," she said as she flipped through the pages. "Let's see…top speed forty miles per hour, weighs 290 tons, titanium laminate armor with reactive plating, 2900-horsepower multifuel engine, range should be about 800 miles…" By now they were inside the huge mech. The interior of the main body was a large room with a narrow staircase leading up to the second level. Over a dozen seats lined the walls of the first level, most of them facing (of all things) a big screen TV. A small kitchenette was at the rear of the seating area, as was a small bathroom and a fully-stocked first aid station. A few villains went upstairs and discovered another small bathroom, more seats, a howitzer, and lots of tools, diagnostic systems, and spare parts.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Beruche. "This thing's got everything!"
"Big screen TV, kareoke machine, refrigerator, microwave oven," said Demando as he sat down. "The seats aren't great but they're not bad. This vehicle is…acceptable."
"Acceptable?!" retorted Saffir. "Are you crazy? This thing's awesome!" Upstairs Rubius and Nephrite began squealing with joy as they found the howitzer.
"This thing's got a freaking howitzer, too?!" shouted Nephrite. "This rules!!!"
"Now we can blow away Chibi-Usa from blocks away and not expose ourselves to her lethal cuteness!!" added Rubius.
"Here it is," continued Morrigan as she flipped through more pages. "Weapons. In the head of this thing are mounted two 75mm autoloading fully-stabilized light tank cannons with a grand total of 200 armor-piercing shells. There's also a pair of forward-firing 40mm autocannons mounted on either side of the cockpit with 600 rounds each and a nose-mounted cluster of 70mm high-explosive unguided rockets. In the main body here there's the retractable 155mm autoloading howitzer that Rubius and Nephrite are drooling over. It's got thirty high-explosive shells and retracts inside the mech when it's not being used. There's also a small side turret mounted on either side of this thing. Each holds a pair of twin-linked, autostabilized 12.7mm machine guns and 20000 rounds. That's four heavy machine guns with 10000 shots each for you arithmetically-challenged." Opening a reinforced hatch at the front of the transport, Morrigan brought Eudial through the "neck" of the AT-AT to the cockpit.
Eudial sat down in one of the cockpit's three seats and began scanning the unfamiliar controls. Outside she could see Talon rushing about working the controls of the gantries, causing them to retract away from the mech.
"Here's a question," asked Eudial as Morrigan sat down in one of the other seats. "I noticed the hull on this thing's pretty scratched up. What happened?"
"Oh, Solarchos wanted to test out the armor and the environmental sealant systems," replied Morrigan as she started up the computers, "He had the ChibiAnimamates come in and bash the shit out of this thing."
"Oh shit!!" shouted Iron Mouse from back in the main seating area. "Not the ChibiAnimamates!!"
"What the hell are the ChibiAnimamates?" asked Kunzite.
"They're freakin' nuts, is what they are!" called back Morrigan. "Even for me!"
"They're a messed-up experiment of Professor Tomoe's," explained Iron Mouse. "I think he must've been either drunk and/or high on crack when he created them. Basically he took DNA from all of the Animamates, myself included, and combined it with that of Chibi-Usa's…"
"Ewwwww…!!!" exclaimed everyone.
"Yeah," said Iron Mouse. "Simply put, they're totally cute, half our size, and twice as hyper. How'd Solarchos get them to work for him?"
"He gave them a bunch of guns and pays them in ammunition," replied Morrigan, "They may only be Chibi-Usa's size but they'd got a real flare for destruction. You should've seen what it was like when he had them attack this thing…"
Chibi-Leady's note: If there's one thing we're good at, it's destruction! ^_^
"So, anyways," said Eudial, looking like Usagi in a candy shop. "How does this work?" Morrigan moved over next to her.
"These are, of course, the controls," she explained as she checked out some of the readouts. "You're not trained yet so I'll handle the driving for now. Up here we've got short-range thermographic imagers, a very short-ranged radar, laser designators and rangefinders, fire control systems, heads-up weapon displays, radar detectors, an anti-collision radar system to warn you if you're about to scrape against an apartment building, a global positioning system, a multiband short-ranged radio capable of listening in on most police and military frequencies, and most importantly of all, Solarchos made sure of this, a TV with cable right here in the cockpit."
"Oh, YES!!" shouted Eudial. "Now I can terrorize downtown Tokyo and watch Farscape at the same time!!" Morrigan got up and took the seat at the front of the cockpit. In the back of the vehicle a loud thrumming noise could be heard as the engine started up.
"This thing needs about four or five people to run it," continued Morrigan. "One to drive, one to operate the main cannons, another to run the sensors and radio. Someone else needs to be working the howitzer if you want to use it, and a fifth person should be on call just to keep an eye on the engine and other systems. Overall, this thing can carry about 23 people."
"Cool," said Demando as he came in and sat down in the third seat. "What's this thing run on?"
"It can use regular gasoline, diesel fuel, propane, ethanol…" said Morrigan. "It's also got an 800 kilowatt battery as a backup." She turned on the mech's intercom system. "Okay, villains. We're not exactly sure how this thing rides so find a seat and buckle up. Fire extinguishers are clearly marked on the walls so it might be a good idea to keep them in mind. There are no seatback trays to keep in their upright positions, there aren't any little baggies for motion sickness, no little masks will fall from the ceiling if we lose cabin pressure, and in the event of a water landing the men may be used as floatation devices!"
"Woo-hoo!!" called out Nephrite from the back.
"Talon!" called out Morrigan as the Raptor rushed onboard and closed the doors. "Keep an eye on the engine. Make sure the fuel lines aren't leaking."
"Got it!" replied the Raptor as he pulled open a wall panel and disappeared into the engine compartment. Turbines engaged, power relays began to hum, and the R4H gang's new toy came to life. Esmeraude and Iron Mouse both cackled maliciously as they loaded the machine guns, Rubius and Kunzite were having fun figuring out the howitzer, and everyone else was acting like six-year olds. A thump resounded through the massive garage as the D&D AT-AT began to move towards a huge lift. Within moments they'd maneuvered themselves onto the lift and were slowing rising towards a huge, armored hatch in the ceiling.
"This is it, people," called out Eudial as she gleefully took control of the AT-AT's main weaponry. "Are you ready to rock, villains??!!"
End of Part One
To be continued…