I don't recognize her at first. She is older and has aged in a way that my body is no longer capable of. But 'tis more than that. Her eyes hold even less childish innocence, and she looks serious. She looks like she has no smiles left in her. Her face is thinner, as if she hasn't eaten properly for days. Her hair looks unwashed too. She should be disgusting me.

I knew I should be focusing on what she is doing there. I'm ashamed to say that I am all too caught up in enjoying the sight of the unwashed bard. 'Tis a shame. A shame I carry without regret.

I no longer miss her. 'Tis not possible to carry the memory of a person for so many years. Somebody you don't meet or spend time with. There is no need to remember and think about kisses and touches night after night. I am above such silliness and foolhardy. I can admit to missing her the first nights but I soon forgot her. I no longer wake from dreams haunted by a sweet summer kiss. I am not filled with so much longing, 'tis strange I'm still alive and breathing.

Oh I wish.

"Well, well, what have we here," I say in my usual fashion. I want to shock her. Shake her foundation. Make her lost and confused. Make her feel like I've ambushed her when in reality she's ambushed me. My foundation is the one that has been shaken. I'm the one that's lost and confused. I hope that it doesn't show.

"Oh… hello," she says. That is all.

I want to hit her. I want to strike her with my spells. I want to pull at her hair and bury my nails in her skin until she chokes out my name. Until she hurts. Until she bleeds. I want to break her down, so 'tis possible for me to build her up again. So she will smile again. Most importantly, so she will smile at me again. 'Tis selfish. But I deserve to be selfish.

"What's wrong? Did you finally realise that your precious maker isn't real? Because 'tis someth…" This is when I notice that something is really wrong. She doesn't see me, not really. She has a dead look in her eyes that doesn't belong there. I turn quiet and inspect her silently.

She sighs and looks at the ceiling, she looks like she wants to run away and I have to fight an instinct to reach out and try to keep her still. I need her to stay a bit more.

"What isn't wrong?" She says, "the whole world has gone mad."

I don't smile. I don't even attempt to comfort her.

"The world has always been mad," I say sternly and roll my eyes at her, "you're pathetic for not noticing sooner." I turn my nose up. But when she looks at me like her heart is breaking I feel something I rarely if ever feel, I feel regret. I'm again struck by the wish to reach out, to touch her, to kiss and to soothe. I want it even more than I want to bite and mark and hurt.

"It might be so," she says softly, "but at least the world was salvageable before. I don't think it is anymore."

I reach out now, before I can stop myself and touch her cheek. It's cold. And rough. It is not the pampered skin of a lady who cares about her looks. I would tease her about it if it wasn't so unnecessarily cruel.

She sighs at my touch and leans in, almost unwillingly. When she closes her eyes a single tear leaves her eye and hits my hand but I don't remove it. I want to cry as well. I want to destroy everything that has reduced my Leliana to this. I want to give her her world back.

"I need to leave," she says, "I can't afford to be found. The seekers…"

"Damned be the seekers," I say with such fire I surprise myself, "'tis only afternoon, why don't you stay for a little bit?"

"I can't," she says, "I… can't."

"Why did you come here at all?"

She looks at me then, she properly looks at me and sees me as well. And then she smiles. It's a sad smile but a smile nontheless. And for a fleeting moment that smile is my whole world. I need nothing else.

"I thought I might sneak a peek of the Empress' newest adviser."

She sounds like herself and I love it. I want to store her smile and her voice in a jar. There is a sound from the hallway and Leliana looks up in panic. She turns to me, that agitated look back in her eyes.

"I must take my leave," she says hurridly, "but I will see you soon again, yes? Some day when our world is no longer being torn asunder." She moves so fast I don't manage to react until she is right in front of me.

"Morrigan," she says then, "my Morrigan." I hate and love the sudden possessiveness in her voice, "red velvet, huh?"

Before I manage to answer, she has pressed a quick kiss to my lips and left. Leaving me behind. Stunned. Shocked. Confused. Destroyed.