Until the day I die
I can still remember the last few months of my life. It's like a hazy series of experiences that my subconcious collected. It felt strange...
I was in a dark, but I knew there is a light, and the only reason I can't see it is that my eyelids are closed, yet this body I had lived in my whole life, seemed no longer under my control. I was wrapped in this skin, still absorbed faint shadows of what it felt, but day by day, I felt more diconnected.
They were visiting me. My friends, people I call family. I could hear their voices - sometimes they were clear, I was listening to their words, learning about their regrets and thoughts. But sometimes they were blurred, distant, and it was hard to understand any of what they were saying. Even then, I always understood one thing - the emotions. Bitter laughter, chocking with tears, pain and sorrow in their voices. Their touch upon my hands.
Every time I wished I could open my eyes and tell them I'm alright, but no matter how hard I'd try, there was nothing I could do.
Among all those voices and touches, shadows passing in front of small amount of light that got through my eyelids, there was one I cherished the most.
I remember the first time he came to visit me clearer, like as if I wasn't in this state, just lying still with my eyes closed, but wide awake. So many voices were bustling around before he came, but then they all fell silent, melted into whispers, question "You want to stay alone, kid?" asked by a very familiar, harsh, yet now soft voice full of compassion. I could hear several of people quietly leaving the room, and as the doors closed low, silence filled everything.
For a moment I thought I was alone. There was only this sound of cardiograph and other life support equipment. Then I heard a shaky sigh, and it was enough for me to tell who I am in the room with. It brought warmth to my chest, but my lips could not smile. I could not open my eyes or gesture. I only could listen into the silence.
Low and slow sound of materials brushing against one another told me he's walking up to my bed, but I could not hear his steps. He was always walking so silently... another smile I couldn't offer.
"I..." he started, but it was all he said before silence fell for another few seconds. And even through he couldn't tell, I was really waiting to hear what he's willing to say. "I wanted to come earlier, but I..." the voice I cherished so much, one always warm and loving, now sounded so broken. And altough my heart seemed to ache, the sounds of cardiograph showed no signs of acknowlaging it. "I just couldn't do it" he said, lower than before. "I just couldn't come and see you like this... It's too painful."
His voice was crashing, and I layed there, unable to ease his sorrow. Unable to wrap my arms around him and hold him close like he only allowed me alone.
It was the first time I felt anxious to move, to come back to life. Before this moment, the problem didn't seem to exist. It felt like I was where I was meant to be, but not anymore.
I heard low movement, he inhaled, then a louder sound, and it seemed like he sat right next to my bed.
But then there was silence, long silence with only hazy sounds of people in the hallway, life support equipement, and his breathing... heavy, shaky, unstabil breaths. It seemed to last forever until he spoke.
"It all happened so fast..."
I could feel delicate touch on my hand. He slowly, gently grasped it, like as if he feared to hold it any tighter. His breath became even more shaky, like this little amount of contact made the pain grow. Perhaps it did.
It did for me.
The sorrow had no way to tighten my throat, it just boiled in me, someplace more sensitive than body is - in the soul. Why can't I just hold his hand, why does it hurt so much?
"If I only had made it faster to you... you would be alright" his hand finally tightened grip on mine. "No matter what they say, I know... it's my fault. And I'm sorry..." his voice became thiner and more muffled, I could only guess he hid his mouth or turned away. "I'm so sorry."
There was one new question in me now: what happened? It was like waking up from a sleepy daze - I started to realize that I'm at hospital, that something have happened to cause my presence here. I tried to recall the previous events, but my mind was blank. Perhaps I didn't want to remember.
Back that day he didn't say anything more. He just sat there quietly for a few more minutes, maybe a dozen, maybe an hour, I didn't know. It's hard to keep track of time when you're so disconnected from world around you. I don't know how long it was until he slowly let go of my hand and quietly left the room. I wished he'd stay, but there was no way I could let him know.
As he left, I was back in my silent darkness where there is no such thing as time. Time was only a word I remembered from back when it mattered, something untouchable and difficult to explain. Less important right where I was laying still.
Gaping holes in my memory were seperating experiences, one from another. Next thing I remeber after that was having nurses clean my body, and another bitter feeling caused by uncapability of doing it myself. Somehow I minded their help very little, like nothing happening to this body really happened to me. I was a part of it, but a seperate being.
Soon after that came visitors - "Oh my" first voice spoke and I could easly recognized whom is it. Forge sounded like he was unpleasantly surpised to be here and see whatever was to be seen. Then I wondered what my body looks like... I remembered how I looked, but whatever happened could have damaged me. Yet still I felt my legs and arms right where they should be, I felt no such experience as pain, so there shouldn't be anything really. "Do you think she'll get through this?"
Some form of fear came on me for the first time - fear of acknowlaging the real damage that could have happened to my body. Maybe I just imagined those legs and arms, maybe all of them were lost. I could never live normal again.
The other voice was low and filled with sorrow. "Yesterday I sat here for an hour trying to figure out what to think about it and honestly, I still don't know" said Mizu. I don't know if I ever heard her sound like this, I couldn't name the difference in her voice though.
"It's..." Forge spoke again, but stopped and gulped.
I wished I could open my eyes and look at them, see their faces that I somewhat missed. They were both like family to me, some kind of craving awaken in me - I craved to spend time with them like we always used to, just being silly. I almost waited for them to say something stupid that would make me laugh, and we would start joking about the silliness of the situation.
But nothing funny came from them, there was only this heavy silence. I started to hate silence, because without voices I was loosing it. I didn't know if I'm concious, I didn't know if and how much time is passing. Only voices that I heard allowed me to keep track of real world.
"Can we do anything for her?" said another voice, and this is when I understood how much time had passed by. Maybe it was a few minutes, but it felt more like hours, maybe days. Another gaping hole in my brain, only the feeling of time, exhausting awaiting, but no embrace of what was exactly happening meanwhile.
The voice belonged to Scott, and even despite how we seemed to argue in every conversation we ever had, I was glad to hear him.
"We wait" answered a concerned voice with distant sound to it. It was Hank McCoy, his voice was comforting, for I knew he was a capable doctor, and this is something you want at your side when lying in hospital. Yet still my state didn't really worry her, what worried me were people around who seemed to make a big deal of it. For me, it was just like sleep and imageless dreaming.
"Can't we at least" sob interupped Kitty's sentence, "like, take her to our infirmary? Does she have to lay here?"
"I'm sorry, Kitty, but we don't have the equipement she needs right now" said Professor in his patient and calm voice. However there was something new to this sentence, some form of sorrow.
"Then, like, buy one!" Kitty exclaimed with desperation.
"Even if we did the risk of moving her now is too big" said Hank again.
"But if she was home, she would, like, recover faster..." Kitty said now low. Silence answered her. After a moment she spoke again, her voice shaking. "Profesor...? Doctor McCoy...? Why are you looking away...?"
I could not remember anything that happened afterwards. Voices started fading away to soon melt into another gaping hole in my memory. Too many voices, too many people, and my weakened mind gave up compreheanding it all. Something snapped, and me too - snaped to another moment of mixed experiences.
There was music turned on low somewhere, not much of light was falling onto my eyelids, so I could not see any shadows passing or standing around my bed. But I knew I wasn't alone, there was this voice speaking low at my side, and the clearer it became, the better I could hear the words and recognize the speaker. Mizu, she sat or stood on right side of my bed and talked to someone that I didn't yet recognize.
"I don't know what to say" was the first sentence she really understood, and with that she understood who the other person is. Somebody that for a while now I only heard on phone. Amy, and she sounded really tired.
"Me neither" answered Mizu, sounding no better than her. Both seemed like they needed a good sleep.
"I had come all the way here to see her, knowing she's like... this. But once I saw it-..." Amy didn't finish, seemed like she was on lack of words. They shouldn't care so much, neither of them or anyone else. They should just wait it out, like I do. Then everything would be back to normal.
"I know" Mizu whispered.
I felt a touch on my hand, but it only lingered on my fingers. I couldn't recognize which one touched me, but I wished she wouldn't withdraw her hand so fast. Touch, just like words, allowed me to keep track of the world.
"Did you see it happen?" Amy asked.
What, I wondered. What, I sitll didn't know. It was an ichy feeling in my brain when I tried to remember what happened that I ended up where I was.
I didn't hear Mizu's answer, she must have just gesture it, and neither of them said anything more that could let me understand.
Their words became more blurred, I could still remember the sound of it, but no words. They were broken, weren't they? Was it because of me? They shouldn't be broken because of me, I was fine. I really was, I just...
I don't know.
But I didn't hurt, my heart still was beating, so I must be fine.
It was dark, darker than during visits, so it must have been night. I disliked nights here, they made me much more aware of the pluggs, tubes in my nose, and the cardiograph's sounds seemed so loud that I felt trapped in it's beeping. The sound was constantly driving me crazy, I felt almost scared of it. It was getting more lost in traffic of sounds during the day, but at night it was all I heard.
It was the first night when it had such an impact on me. But maybe that was good, maybe it meant my focus is coming back and soon the imageless dream will be over.
There was sudden sound tearing appart the scary silence. Sound I so well knew, and as annoying as I used to be with it, now it sounded like a miracle. Simple 'bamf' first off made me wanna smile, but within moments it changed. I felt Kurt grip my hand with both of his, rise it up so my fingers touched what I suppose was his leaned down forehead. I felt he was shaking. He was moving in little shivers, every once in a while drawing a sharp breath or choke with air.
My senses sharpened but body didn't react as the little tornament lasted and lasted - for how long I didn't know.
Still holding my hand he seemed to rise his head, I felt him shakily place a kiss on outher side of my fingers and then just hold my hand right there, his warm breath caressing my skin.
I don't know how long he sat there, the memory of it was melting into a blurry daze, and when it gained its clarity again, so much time has been lost. I could hear two people in my room. One spoke, the other acompanied with sad laughter. Within moments I could recognize them - Jubilee and Forge, on either side of her bed.
"And remember that time when we went camping with mr. McCoy and ms. Monroe, and you and Fallen wanted to scare me?" Jubilee remembered, they both laughed sadly at the memory.
I felt laughter bottling in me as well as I remembered that situation. Jubilee almost set the whole camp on fire as she started to randomly shot fireworks in act of self defence. Nobody got hurt, but the whole three of us were sentenced for an extra morning running until the camp was over. Kurt laughed at us wholeheartidly, as for once he wasn't involved in someone getting in trouble after pulling off a prank, Mizu joined him and they sat and watched us run looking like they were watching some good comedy movie.
Funny, how I remembered it all so clearly, but what happened right before finding myself in the hospital was a complete puzzle. Thinking about it for a long time, so far I only remembered fire and somebody shouting.
"Or the one when Bobby wanted to add green hairdyer to Fallen's shampoo, but you just ran out off your and you borrowed it from her?" Forge brought up.
Jubilee sighed through bitter laughter. "Don't remind me."
I wanted to smirk at that too. Jubilee had a one whole of a mess on her head for next few weeks, and we both revenged on Bobby in a way he'd never forget. Forge and Kurt helped, the whole four of us, plus Bobby, were again sentenced for a week of daily extra training and cooking dinners for the whole Institute.
Long story short we were getting in trouble very often. Sometimes Mizu or Sam would tag along, just to soon swear they would never do it again, yet at the same time laugh that it was worth it.
'Good old times' I thought to myself.
Time spoon around, light was now dim and unnatural, oblivously they turned on lights in the room for sake of the evening. Or morning, I couldn't really tell anymore. Time sometimes went by so fast, at other times it was leaking slowly, and if not for daily routine of some researches performed on my body every day, I wouldn't even know how many passed.
I still didn't know, but at least I had a better idea. I knew it's been half a week, or maybe more like a whole one. I was ragaining my sense of time and slowly took in more experiences. I would soon wake up and after a bit of rest my life would be back to normal.
There, in the dim fake light, there were heavy steps approaching my bed. Someone sighed, so characteristically. It was rare, though, to hear Logan sigh so sadly. He would usually sigh with annoyment, now it was a sound of feeling sorry. "Come on, kid..." he said in the softest voice he had. "You gotta wake up, yer not done here."
Of course. He didn't need to doubt that. I'm getting better, can he see that? The daze that occupied most of my mind at first was now clearing, I was slowly regaining myself. It was just a matter of time before I'm as good as new.
"Elf is broken" Logan said with another sigh. "Blames self. Won't talk to no one."
You appearently don't know how strong he can be, Logan. We will laugh at this whole situation someday. We will laugh and not cry.
"No one can get through to him. I don't wanna see what happens if ya won't make it."
But of course I will make it, don't be so soft, Logan, go punch some bag. Worry doesn't suit the fearless Wolverine.
One moment I'm laughing in my thoughts, and the next I know I'm alone again. The small gaping holes in memorizing were a little bit confusing, but didn't really seem suspicious, for I knew world went on meanwhile all I felt was exhausting stillness.
Everything went on it it's new routine - whenever my focus was strong enough to understand more than a daze of blurred experiences, there were reseraches performed by doctors, nurses doing something with my body, or visitors. Sometimes there was stillness, when I was left alone. Sometimes I could hear people on corridor, or sounds of music. Always cardiograph, that now seemed natural like air. I barely even focused on it anymore.
In time... the stillness was happening more often. It felt like I more often could recognize what's happening, but it was usually nurses, doctors or no one. Visitors were coming less often, usually spending less time around. They still came, most of the people that mattered or even those who didn't really matter - they still held my hand, and spoke to me or to one another. There were a few times when somebody brought flowers, usually miss Monroe, and I only knew about it because nurses commented on how beautiful they are. Even Scott came along with Jean, they talked to each other but I coudln't understand what did they say, it was all to hazzy. There were two times or so when doctor McCoy read Shakespeare out loud at side of my bed, sure because of many conversations about poetry that we had in the past. And for once in my life I was sinking into this poetry. There were times when Kitty came and told me what recently happened at the mansion or school, sometimes her relations broke into sobbing. Jubilee came by a few times, sometimes along with Forge or Mizu, and they all remembered or laughed, like they tried to make me laugh with them, and honestly, inside I did. Amy came a few times, only at the beginning, and then she stopped appearing.
In time, almost everyone else did so as well.
Day after day less people came to visit, some were coming less often, some stopped coming at all. Only a few stood by and kept visited me, yet still less often, having less to say. It was like time was forgetting me. Only one was the exception - Kurt, he was coming more often than in the beginning, he spoke much more. At first he was only coming to sit in silence, in time he started speaking to me. He only came by when there was no one else around, especially at nights - he just ported in, and this is why I always knew he was there.
Even when sometimes he didn't come closer. Hearing not even the lowest steps I could guess he just stood right where he ported. He stood like that for some time, I couldn't place the amount of it, and without saying a word or making a move - he teleported elsewhere. Part of me wondered why would he do that.
But usually as he teleported to my room at night, I could feel as he was sitting beside me on the bed and held my hand. He told me things - so many of them. He told me how he feels and how he misses me, he also remembered the good and bad times we had together. Sometimes he tried to stay positive - then I felt like laughing at things he said. At other times he was getting deeply depressing, and sometimes I could feel his tears falling down onto my hand that he always held.
Sometimes he just sat there like that in silence for countless hours.
Time was passing by just like this, felt like about a month, and I only waited to wake up. I would have to make up for every single tear that was cried in this room, and would hug wholeheartidly every person that sat here and kept my company. Soon.
It had to be soon, after all my concious was so fuced now. It couldn't take long until my body followed and regained it's control.
Could I be any more wrong?
This time as the daze went away leaving a clear understanding of what's going on around me, I heard something I didn't expect.
"She's like this for almost six months, and her state is only worsening" said a man, his tone full of feverty. "How long are we supposed to keep this up?" he sounded angry.
I listened, it didn't yet occur me who is he talking about.
"Are you sure that there is no chance to recover her?" asked voice of, could it be, Professor Xavier.
"Mister Xavier, with all respect, if there was a chance I wouldn't even suggest it" now the man spoke calmer.
"So are ya goin' to just let disconnect her an' let 'er die?!" asked angry female voice with heavy southernt accent. Rogue, obliviously.
"Professor, please, don't let them!" Kitty cried.
"Mister, please, let us talk outside."
This is the moment it occured me.
They were talking about me.
There was this big collision in my head; almost six months? No, I was here for a month and a dozen of days maybe... right? They said they were going to do what? Disconnect me? Would it make me die? Probably. Do I care?
Aside confusion about all this, there was a surprising calmness in my mind. Death didn't sound scary, I felt indifferent to the thought. But they seemed so emotional about it. It's nothing, it's just death, Rogue, Kitty, others if they are here, please, it's nothing to worry about.
I don't know how it went on, I only remembred words "We'll do it the next week, let everyone know it's the last call to tell their goodbyes", the next thing I knew was that I'm alone again, in the darkness, and the cardiograph still working. I don't know if I felt relief or fear, more like non, life and death seemed strangely alike in this state.
Kurt teleported to my room, sat beside me as he always did. He spoke calmly; "Professor was called here earlier this day... he didn't yet told me, but I hope you're getting better. Soon you will be fine."
God.
Right there and then I understood what death really means.
While he was telling himself exactly what I was telling myself the past few, appearently, six months, the truth was on the very other side. I wasn't alright, I was NEVER going to be alright.
Only now I understood it. I undestood that my life, everything I cared about, was left behind long time ago, when I was shot in the head-
Now it came to me like a fever avalanche rushing on a charmless village. Friends Of Humanity captured one of the recruits, the youngest Jamie Madrox, on his way back from Middle School, and as we went to his rescue half of a whilesale where they kept him blew up by some bomb they set. Everything was on fire, FOH in their fireproof suits and with guns tried to get us. I was in the part of wholesale that blew and was now on fire, nothing serious happened to me, altough I remember breathing smug and feeling itchy warmth all around. Yet I could still do my job like this, fire wasn't the worst enemy in here. For I was the closest to Jamie who was tied town and unconcious, I tried to walk in between the fireplaces and get to him. I only saw a glimpse of FOH member who appeared out of nowhere on my right side, and I heart Kurt somewhere behind me shouting my name through the raging fire. Last thing I knew was Kurt re-appearing beside me and the gun of that man pointed at my head.
Seemes like Kurt didn't manage to pull me away fast enough, but pulled me away some, so instead of dying instantly I suffered some kind of brain damage that put me in vegetable coma state. Bullet had to run through some part of my brain that wasn't required to live, but it was responsible for most of body functions, and that happened right in front of Kurt eyes. This is why he said it was his fault, that he could have gotten to me faster. This is why he apologized and begged for forgiveness, prayed for help, so many nights.
And now I was loosing it. While it seemed that the working part of my brain only worked better and now I could easier adapt what's going on around me, the damaged part had only beed giving up. My body was dying, mind was awakening. Now that the memories were clear I could also remember hearing Kurt's desperate voice echoing in the flames, an awful amount of pain going through my body and the taste of blood. My eyes were still open, I could still see, and what I saw was view of part of Kurt's uniform, stained in my own blood. The pain was so strong, so overwhelming, that I must have blocked it out of my mind, this is why I didn't remember what happened.
It was him who closed my eyelids and wrapped me in this world of darkness. And now I admit, it's so much better than if I saw everything that happened for the last six months. If I had to look at all this...
I was going to be disconnected the next week, but he didn't know that yet. He thought I was getting better, I feared how hard he would fall the moment he learns the truth. I can't die... I don't want to die. When finally everything in my life was becoming so good, everything was falling into the right places, I can't leave now. I want to awake, I want to train with Logan, I want to be with Kurt, I want to stay and goof with my friends, I want to get in trouble, go to school, move on with my life. I want to fucking live my life!
I want to live!
I don't want to leave it behind, non of it. I loved my life, especially for last months before this started. I was happy, I was motivated and felt like I could move mountains. Now? Now I couldn't move a single fucking finger of mine! I love my life, and I love Kurt, I can't leave. Especially not like this.
Not like this, God, I'm begging you.
He was laughing a bit, remembering something funny, and I layed there more broken then if I was listening to the most depressing monologue he could pull off. His laughter felt never this painful before. For all these months when every once and then I wanted to sit up and wrap my arms around him, I had never wanted it any more than I do now. Everything was boiling in me twice the force and rage it used to for the past times alltogether.
I felt itchy hotness underneath my eyelids. Even my body reacted to my suddent desperation, and I felt one single hot tear escaping my eye and falling down towards my ear.
Kurt fell silent.
I felt him lean in towards me and delicately touch my face.
Then he suddenly teleported away.
I didn't know what was going on, all I felt was this raging sorrow inside me, but hot feeling under my eyelids cooled off. Maybe one single tear was already too much to ask of this body, it wasn't able to do more. I felt it's tired. So awfully tired, but my mind was restless.
Doors opened so suddenly like never before in the history of my presence here.
"See for yourself!" I heard Kurt's voice, he sounded desperate and hopefull.
Lights in the room lit up. There were some footsteps, I heard movement near me. "It actually looks like a tear..." it was voice of the main doctor on the night staff. I already remembered the sound of it.
"I told you! So, is she going to wake up soon?" Kurt asked hopefully.
I felt excited no less than he seemed to be.
"I'm sorry, but..." the man sounded uncomfortable. "This kind of body functions happens sometimes in this state. It doesn't really mean a thing..."
There was a silence for a moment, hopes were moured, before the man continued.
"And you are not allowed to be here except for visitor's hours. If I ever see you here again I'm going to have-"
"Check the cardiograph" Kurt said suddenly in a desperate, worried but still hopefull voice.
"Young man, I'm con-"
"Check it! Please!"
There was a sigh from the doctor and for a moment there were sounds of him doing something around the equipement.
"And?" Kurt asked. It seemed like he was sure there must have been some kind of difference in heartbeats at that moment. I hoped he was right.
"Nothing has changed in last hours" the man said, sounding like he was stating something oblivious to him and was offended that Kurt doubted it. I expected it, actually, but it didn't mean anything good to me. This sorrow was now more evident to me. "You need to leave, young man. You can come and say your goodbye in the daytime."
"...Say my goodbye?..." Kurt echoed. Strange how much fear can find a room in such a short, low whisper. "What are you..."
"The patient is going to be disconnected at Monday, your Professor was supposed to tell you" he spoke with more offense than compassion.
Cold hearted bastard.
"You can't..." Kurt's voice seemed to barely find a way out of his throat. I could barely hear what he was saying, it was such a low whisper.
"It's already decided. Now leave immediately or I'm calling the guards" the man said with supressed anger.
I only hear Kurt teleport away, with no idea where's he heading or what emotions are written on his face right now. I only knew that there's no way he's going to catch a good sleep after hearing it.
"Fucking mutie" I heard the doctor say. "When she's down they'll all at least stay away" he muttered as he walked away.
God, how much I wished I could move now. I would slap the man across the face as hard as I can. That would leave a mark, believe me, I was trained by the Wolverine.
I had no more gaping holes in my memory, now I was wide aware of everything. It seemed like that night was my final awakening. Such a pity it was barely seven days before my predicted death.
The next days were much like the beginning - almost everyone came, talked to me, held my hand. The difference was essential - they were saying farewells. The most... heartbreaking thing they've ever done to me. There were so many more tears than at first, so many more apologizes and regrets admited. Secrets were spilled and old times were moured. Old foes now befriended the still body of mine, sides of them that I never knew now were bared to me. Advenced and words I said a long time ago were now taken seriously.
How it went in that song? 'A Penny for my thoughts - oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar, funny when you dead, how people start to listen'. What a beautiful way to go.
I could almost be proud.
Only nights were filled with bitter sorrow alone. Only Kurt was there, even nurses accepted his presence in there, for when someone caught him in my room and told him to leave, he either gave them the dangerous, or the miserable look, and they eventually pretended not to know he's there. For the seven nights he was here sunset to sunrise. It was his time, he appearently didn't want to be here anytime somebody else is visiting.
But now, with my mind wide open, I saw the light in the tunnel, and I don't mean the one of death. Something I almost forgot about is that I had telepaths at hand, somebody who didn't need your body to contact you. Such a pity I realized it the very night before THE day. For the whole night I screamed in my mind for Professor Xavier or Jean, I called and screamed their names focusing on their minds. It alwasy worked, but this time, for all night long, there was no response. Maybe they were just too far, maybe that was it.
And then this day arrived. Warm light oozing through my eyelids made me me realize the moment the day began. It's always the lighter here in the mornings than for the rest of the day. Typical routine went on in the hospital, and I only waited for the Professor to arrive. He would come here if they were going to disconnect me, right? I hoped he would.
And he did. Far before noon I heard familiar voices on the hallway. Seemed like there were some who wanted to stand by me till the very and. In the mess of voices I could recognize those who I expected, and also those who I wouldn't. There was voice of Rogue, Forge, Mizu, Scott and Jean, the staff - Ororo, Hank, Logan and of course - Professor Xavier.
The moment I heard his voice I spoke his name in my thoughts. He still talked to the doctor. I called him louder, hoping it's just that my thoughts hadn't reached him. No responce. I tried again, and again, also trying to call Jean...
Suddenly there was a 'bamf' between my bed and the voices. "You can't do this!"
"Kurt, please... We already talked about it" Professor tried calmly.
"Non of us wants it" Scott said with compassion.
"NO! I'm not going to let you!" Kurt almost shouted, with desperation and anger, but his voice was unstabil.
"There is nothing we can do-" Hank tried to convice him, but he interupped again:
"So you're going to kill her? LIKE HELL IT WILL HELP" he said in a bitter sarcasm.
"Nobody's killing anyone, we just-" Scott attempted.
"Let her die? Now that's a difference!"
"Kurt, if you're not going to calm down, I'll have to set you unconcious until we're done" Professor warned. I could not tell if there's more sadness or anger in this threat.
"Ja, because deciding for unconcious is what you're best at."
"Kurt, don't make me do this."
It seemed like it worked, Kurt didn't answer with another anger blow.
I was a different story. There was the most desperate feeling raging in me, I couldn't tame it. I screamed at top of my mental lungs for Professor or Jean, or anyone in particular. I felt like something in me is going to snap if I'm not heard, some button that would make me blow the whole building. I was so angry, so sad, so desperate.
PROFESSOR! JEAN! HEAR ME!
"Please don't do it" Kurt begged low.
"We have to."
PROFESSOR! I'M BEGGING OF YOU!
"Everything's ready?"
"Yes."
I can't go like this. I can't... JEAN!
I felt Kurt's hand wrap itself around my own.
PROFESSOR! SOMEBODY, PLEASE! HEAR ME!
This isn't going to work, is it?
Kurt placed my hand to his cheek. I could feel wet tracks marking his face. It seemed like he was taking in the last seconds he would feel my warmth. I would be cold and still really soon.
Such an awful thing to be aware of.
PROFESSOR!
God, I'm hopeless. I'm lost.
JEAN!
"I love you" he whispered.
Love you too, Sweetheart. I always will. Even in death.
"It's time" day staff doctor said softly.
Please. Don't do this to me.
There was this sound of machines turning off, and Kurt's broken voice: "Goodbye."
I felt my own heart stop.