I never thought I would have to kill someone precious to me ever again. Maybe I should stop lying to myself. The group is never safe. Even from people we know and love to death, literally, to death. After Shane and Lorrie I thought it was over. I know eventually we will all turn into walkers and we will die by each other's hands, but I hoped to never have to burden myself with the blood of my family on my hands ever again. It true I didn't kill Lorrie but I still had to live with it. The guilt of letting her die. I wish I could have saved her. Maybe I could have. This world we live in is death, a virus, and eventually the end of us all. We've been in this prison for about four months and I'm losing it. I've never felt more isolated. Ever since Shane's death Carl doesn't speak so much as a sentence to me and Lorrie is gone. The only solace I have now is Judy, and I couldn't be more frightened. How can I raise a baby in a dog eat dog world when I know there's no point. She will eventually die. We all will, but I hope to pass on before she does.
I start to walk around the empty and soundless halls of the prison. It's terrifying around night so I take my route walk through in the day time. I don't know what I think will be different but I can't handle anymore suspense in this fucking death cage. Everyone is sleeping pretending that everything is perfect, pretending Lorrie is the last death we will have to struggle through. They're all idiots. Every one of them. Daryl is the only one who sees what I see, but he needs to be there for everyone, because god know I can't do shit to keep the happiness live. I start looking through the cells in case there might be Walkers we missed in our last run through. Normally there aren't since we took over the prison, but I can never be too sure. The cells are dark and have nothing except the shitty beds we sleep on. After my check I start to head back to our main slot.
Reality is a bitch. One minute everything was fine. The next minute…was a shit storm that came too quick to see. Walkers rule this earth with an iron fist and all we can do is protect the ones we love till it's their time to die. I don't know what's worse about this new reality. Either you die or you're killed. There's no way around it. Even taking this little walk through is enough to make me fear for my life. As I'm thinking more and more I notice I'm starting to walk faster as if a walker is right on my back. Everything makes me nervous lately and I'm expect to lead my group to safety. How can I help them when I can't help myself? Some leader I must be.
Half way down the hall I start to see a little shadow in a corner about twenty feet away from me. I immediately pull out my revolver and slowly walk toward the shadow. About ten feet closer I hear a faint sob. The closer I got the louder and more recognizable it got. It sounded like Carl. I started to have a panic attack. What happened? Is he hurt? When I finally reached him I saw him curled up with his head placed on his knees. I bent slightly down and put my arm on his shoulder. He jumped from shock but then instantly calmed down when he saw it was only me. "Jesus Christ dad. Don't scare me like that" he said in a sob. "What are you doing son? I thought I told you to stay with the others. You could have been Bit! You could have been killed!" At that moment he looked at me with fury in his eyes. He stood up and Let everything out. "Why can't you fucking trust me? I'm not that little kid who needs protecting anymore! I've had to kill several times now! I can handle myself!" I was appalled by his words. Never has he spoke to me like this. "Now you listen here-" I start to say but he interrupted me. "No you listen to me for once! You know no me then me, Glen, or anybody! Stop acting so fucking high and mighty!" He looked down and could tell he was sobbing again. "I killed mom. I did it. I'm the one who has to live with the guilt! Not you!" I glanced at my feet in shame. How can my son be a better man then me? "Your right" I sighed. "I haven't been myself since everything. I hate I can't have a better world. A world where your mom is still alive. A world where we wouldn't have to fight to survive every single night." I looked at Carl in the eyes and saw a glimmer of hope. "I'm sorry son". He runs and grabs on to me and cries into my arms. We stand there for a while. He leans from me and says softly "let's go back to base".
He lets go of me slowly and starts to walk around the corner to head back to base when all of a sudden I hear a low deadly moan. I quickly turned behind me, but saw nothing. It only took me a second to realize that the sound wasn't coming from behind me. "Oh no" I said to myself and a shivered in fear "Carl!" I run in his direction as fast as I could. There has to be time. I have to save my only solace left. I ran as fast as I could but saw that god had once again turned a blind eye. When I finally reached Carl it was too late. A walker teeth were sucked into Carl's chest and was beginning to eat its way into his heart. I pulled out my knife and ran toward the monster. I stabbed in repeatedly in its cold, rotting, grey head to make sure it stayed down. By the time it was over I was covered in blood again. The sight made me cringe as I remember everything since my awake from the hospital. I looked down at Carl who was lying on the floor bleeding to death from his chest wound. I fell to my knees and began to shake. This can't be happening.
"Dad" he says in a shivering crack in his voice. I quickly grab his hand and felt him shaking just as I am. We both stood there alone and afraid. "Dad…you have to finish me" I looked at him speechless "please….its the only way you can make sure I don't kill anyone. Please dad. I don't want to live like this" I keep staring into his eye and realized he was right, but I still couldn't comprehend what was happening. The room was spinning and I stared to feel lightheaded. "Carl…please just hold on. I just can't. I can't lose you too. Please just hold-" he grabs my hand firmly and says the word a father never should hear from his son. "Please dad. Just fucking kill me. I don't want to become them". I stared at the floor for a moment weighing my options; trying to find a way out of this, but I couldn't. "Dammit" I let out in a loud sob. "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" I let go of Carl's hand and pulled out my Pistol and pointed it at his head. As I hold it there Carl smiles and says the last words he will ever speak. "I love you dad" Looking away I fired and that was it.
After it was over I looked and saw it. Blood everywhere. "You had to do it" I thought to myself. "You weren't given a choice. This is what he wanted." But it's not what I wanted. I picked him up and started walking down the hall. I kept looking at him as I walked. I couldn't help but feel as if there was another way; that there was some way to save him, but there wasn't. This was my only way to save him. I walked into one of the cells in the other wing of the prison to find a spot to lay him to rest. I put him on the wooden bed and sat there with him for a moment. Then it all came out. The tears, the anger, and the despair came flowing out of me. I don't know how much more I can take of this world. All it has ever done is take everything I ever loved, but the worst part is I'm still alive; and have to face it all again tomorrow. If there ever was a god….there certainly isn't one now. How can we live in a godless world? How will we survive? I have no answers. All I have is fear and pain. They have now become my family