A CHRISTMAS FANFIC

CHAPTER ONE

It was the night before Christmas,

and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

Well, no. That was not entirely true.

Twenty-three hours and thirty-four minutes. Christmas Eve.

Gabe Newell sat in his family room by the fire, idly watching the flames sputter and spit as he finished his second dinner. Lasagna; leftovers from yesterday's lunch. Gabe, like most people, couldn't let food sit uneaten for more than a couple days – doubly so if he had made it himself – but he couldn't eat the same thing for multiple meals in the same day, either.

I wonder what I should make for breakfast tomorrow, Gabe wondered. He had options, he knew. One of the many benefits of owning a game development and distribution studio was that Gabe could purchase as much food as he wanted. He was living the life of a king.

The clock struck midnight.

The fire went out.

Gabe jumped, startled, and spilled one of the six bowls he had laid before him. Staring, he whispered a brief prayer for his fallen comrade. I'll miss you.

Suddenly a boot dropped down the chimney.

Another.

A pair of red pants.

A red coat.

A hat.

Finally, a man of girth almost as great as Gabe. He was naked.

"S-Santa Claus?" Gabe managed to stutter, flabbergasted.

"Ho ho ho!" the corpulent nudist chuckled. "None other!"

"But... I thought you were a myth!"

Ol' Saint Nick's expression grew fierce. "I wasn't a myth, Newell. At least, not until your 'Steam Sales' came along and put me out of a job. You've been a naughty, naughty boy."

Gabe smirked. Naughty? You senile old whale, do you know how much good I'm doing? Ignoring that thought, Gabe twisted face into a warm, welcoming smile. "Oh, Santa, surely there's something I can do for you?"

Shaking his head, the jolly fat man chuckled mockingly. "Come now, Gaben, you've already eaten the cookies you set out for me. What else do you have?"

"Well," began Gabe, wiping the crumbs off of his fingers and onto his sweater, "I could really use some milk to keep them down." He gestured to the gift-giver's King Cobra.

Then they fucked.