Disclaimer: Why no, I don't own these characters. Good thing you asked.
A/N: I've been throwing this idea around in my head for a while, and today I just decided I had to sit down and write it. I think it's pretty funny, and incorporates little moments or mannerisms from the show a bit, but most of it is pretty made-up. That's why it's an alternate universe, duh! Notice how all these relationships start out with drinking… there's a lesson in there somewhere, kids. Enjoy!
Dwight had always been attracted to Indian women. Their chocolatey-dark skin and raven locks intoxicated him, and he was fascinated with their warlike religious folklore. So needless to say, he was on Cloud 9 at the annual Hindu Singles Social, put on every year by the local Indian community. He also stuck out like a sore thumb, but he tried to blend in and be respectful by wearing the traditional dress.
That's when he saw her. She had curves like he had never seen on a woman before, and her hair was done up meticulously in a braided bun. If there were two of them on the sides of her head, she could be an Indian Princess Leia. And her sari was by far the most colorful and intricate in the room, meaning she took great pride in appearances. Dwight admired this beautiful woman, and so he sauntered over to her and displayed his interest.
"Hey," he said coolly. Kelly turned her head to him and gazed upon this tall frame. She had always been interested in non-Indians, mostly just to aggravate her overbearing parents, and this guy was certainly not Indian. And as soon as she saw he was interested, she became very aloof.
"Hey," she replied back, immediately noticing all the features she'd have to change about him, his glasses and hairstyle being the two biggest problems.
Dwight smirked, "You look as beautiful as Lakshmi tonight."
"Thank you," Kelly managed not to giggle out of nervousness. "You wanna… get out of here? Maybe get coffee or something?"
"Definitely." Dwight extended his hand and Kelly took it, and they walked out the door to the banquet hall together.
Coffee quickly turned into drinks, drinks quickly turned into making out in a dark corner of the bar, and making out quickly turned into going back to Kelly's place for something a little more intimate. And as they laid on the bed, both breathless from their moment of heated passion, Dwight realized he needed to pee. He excused himself and went into the bathroom, but what he saw there scared him to his very core.
On the counter laid remnants of fake hair extensions clinging to the drain of the sink. Used tissues with lipstick and other makeup stains were all over the counter, and about seven saris, each a different bright color, were strewn about the tiled floor. But what sent him over the edge was a small tube of Vagisil on top of the toilet with the cap off. Dwight, being an orderly man, thought the mess was almost too much to bare, and then he heard his new lover's high-pitched shrill, "Dwiiiiight, come back to bed! It's getting lonely without you…"
Not hearing a reply, Kelly ran into the bathroom and grabbed on to Dwight forcefully, "Come on sweetie, babies don't make themselves you know!" It was, of course, a joke, but Dwight hardly saw it that way. He plopped his body onto the bed and wondered to himself what he had gotten into as he was devoured in kisses.
xxx
"Hey, you better slow down or you're going to be falling off the bar stool," Ryan said with a twinge of nervousness in his voice. He had been watching this girl with curly, auburn hair chug beer after beer, and he wondered if he could be the one to escort her home that night. Clearly she wouldn't be driving herself.
Pam hiccupped and told him, "It'll be a while before I catch up to my boyfriend." She motioned over to Roy, who was over at the pool table making obscene gestures with a billiard stick. Through her blurred vision, she noticed this guy was kind of cute, in a Doogie Howser kind of way. He was at least paying attention to her wellbeing, which was something her current boyfriend never seemed to do. She decided she liked him.
"That's your boyfriend?" he asked in disbelief. Obviously someone had to put this guy in his place, and Ryan got the chance when Roy stumbled over to the both of them.
"Come on baby, let's get out of here," he slurred and grabbed hold of her arm.
She tried to break herself free and told him, "But, I'm not finished with my beer yet, and I'm in the middle of a conversation—"
"You think I care, woman? Let's go—"
"Hey!" Ryan shouted, standing up and getting the attention of everyone in the bar. "She said she wants to stay."
Roy let go of Pam's hand and stepped forward, towering over Ryan, which was easy to do. He growled, "What did you say?"
Ryan trembled, but then put a determined face on, "You heard me—" And then Ryan got a blow to the jaw, causing panic in the bar. He laid on the ground grasping face in pain, and Pam shouted for Roy to leave as some bigger guys escorted him out.
"Are you okay?" Pam knelt down and cupped his cheek, and he flinched when he felt her warm hand.
"Yeah… I'm fine now," he said softly and smiled at her. She still insisted she take him to the hospital, and after that, they made plans later in the week to see a movie. Ryan told her she belonged with a guy who wasn't so possessive over her, and soon convinced her that he was that guy.
Their first few weeks together started out wonderfully, but soon, Pam began to realize, maybe Ryan wasn't the guy she had thought he was. He was always calling her in the middle of the night, scared a murderer was in his apartment or telling her if she ever left him he would kill himself. She soon became very afraid, and chose to stick with him for his safety, as well as her own.
They were married not a year after their first meeting in the bar. Ryan insisted Pam stay at home and be the loving housewife to come home to after a long day at work. He made enough money to support the both of them anyway, and was very successful in his company. They were always having dinner parties with other couples from work, and so he kept her plenty busy with all the preparations.
And then one night, as Pam was cleaning the dishes after a party they had hosted, she began to think about how the other couple they had dinner with was so affectionate toward each other, and she felt pain in the pit of her stomach from wanting so badly to feel that loved instead of just needed. A single tear dripped into the sink as she continued to clean.
xxx
Jim and Jan met at a management-training course. They were both being groomed at their respective companies to hold administrative positions, and were paired up in class to participate in conflict resolution exercises. Jan thought to herself that he was cute, although a bit young for her taste, and Jim noticed right away the fit of her jeans against her perfectly shaped ass.
They grabbed a drink after class and told each other about their lives, past relationships, and their jobs, management seeming to be the only thing they really had in common. But the more they chatted, the more sexual tension was built up between them, and the more likely a trip to the local Radisson was in order. Halfway through their drinks, they left the two cold beverages on the bar for a much more warm atmosphere.
Somehow after dating for several months though, their communication broke down, and they hit their low point when Jan came over for dinner:
"I don't understand why you're freaking out about this, I just asked you to move in with me," Jim told her accusingly.
Jan scowled at him, wondering what possessed him to do this, "You know I have commitment issues after what my ex-husband did to me! How can you be so insensitive?" She picked up a handful of salad and hurled it at him.
He dodged it and shouted, "I'm insensitive? At least I can show some emotion when I have to fire an employee. You treat it like it's nothing!"
"It's called being professional, you crybaby!"
"Not when you're not at work, you emotionless, icy bitch!" Jan threw the last handful of salad in the bowl and stormed out of Jim's apartment, leaving him in a baffled haze. He wondered if he would ever be able to find anyone who understood him, and he also hoped one day Jan would be able to find someone as crazy as she was. He sighed and began to pick up salad pieces off the floor.
xxx
Angela always went for the guys with problems. She saw it as her Christian duty to try and save everyone, and when she met Michael at the bar of a Chili's, she knew saving this guy would surely make her a saint. Michael was just there for the free chips on the tables and the cheap booze, which is what caught her attention in the first place.
She carried on most of the conversation that night, making small talk about her cats and how she sings in the church choir. She said she normally didn't do this, but if Michael wanted to spend the night, she would take him to church the next morning. Michael eagerly accepted her offer.
That night, Angela was given the greatest pleasures she had ever experienced in her life. Afterward, Michael told her it was from years of taping himself have sex and then watching it back to improve his form, and while she didn't approve of his promiscuity, she was able to acknowledge that it certainly paid off. That night they slept peacefully, and for the first time ever, her cats were not allowed in the bed with her.
The next morning, Angela walked into the church with a great sense of pride and duty, knowing she had sacrificed herself to save this man from eternal hellfire. She took her place in the choir and smiled gently at him sitting in the front row. He looked like he was paying attention the entire time.
Afterward, Michael joined Angela outside the church to meet the priest. She politely introduced him, "Michael, this is Father Blackwell. Father, this is Michael, my, uh…"
"We're lovers," Michael finished her sentence as he hook the priest's hand vigorously. "New lovers, in fact. We just met last night. Man, talk about seven deadly sins! This one here has committed all of them! Tell the father what we did last night with the whipped cream and chocolate sauce—"
Angela's eyes widened as she then realized she needed to switch congregations. And possibly see a therapist.
Here's to hasty posting! Let me know what you thought of it!