vertigo
1: a list of withouts
It was dusk. Oranges, flaming reds and wafting pink bouncing off her hair and skin. Sasuke looked like he was resisting the light, his usual pallor somehow, impossibly shining through. His quiet stubborness was always consistent with him.
He had outgrown his sleeves. His black shirt haphazardly tucked into his trousers, face dry and brittle. His bandages around his forearm were grey and aged. Face looked swallow, lips chapped and in a hard, thin line. He stood tall, eyes boring into hers with a quiet intensity. Her mind instantly went to the letter his hawk sent her, a raggedly cut paper that was folded impeccably.
His perfect handwriting was seared behind her eyelids, the penned words still visible with every blink. She had prepared for this moment for days on end. Typical overthinking, analytical Sakura--did he just write to her? Would all of Team 7 greet him at the gate, instructed by his letter? Well, maybe he thought Naruto would be too busy to greet him as a newlywed and all. She'd better ask Naruto. She couldn't ask Naruto-then he'd know and-
Say Okaeri, she took in a haggard breath, several feet away from Sasuke as he stood there absorbing her entire soul, Say Okaeri.
He'd said he'd see her soon, at this very spot. His cool fingertips brushed lightly against her forehead at the time, affection so visible and physical that the memory of it all fueled her months. He made her a promise on this cobbled road overlooking all of Konoha's lush green. She couldn't have ever fathomed that his breathy promise meant nearly two years of waiting, two letters stretched between that time and an unannounced visit had her reeling for entirely different reasons.
"You don't look well," she murmured airily. It was all she could manage. There was a painful catch in her throat she hadn't remotely perdicted.
"I am glad to know you fared better," He said quietly, almost in a sigh. He walked closer, languid with a one-shouldered shrug.
He was already annoyed with her. It wasn't what she wanted to say.
I missed you. I needed you. I am so sick of waiting. Okaeri, Okaeri, Okaeri.
She shrugged non-comittally herself, reaching over to grab his small gray drawstring bag. Her fingers absent-mindedly played with the frayed rope, digging underneath her fingernails. She couldn't bring herself to look up. She felt like a complete fraud and she knew making eye contact would unravel her and her carefully laid plan. A plan she devised in an effor to salvage her pride and dignity, she reasond.
"Learn anything enlightening then?"
Her attempt at being evasive transformed her back into the familiar twelve year old brat. Perhaps her feelings were that elementary. At least, that was what she told herself when her chest constricted at the mere mention of his name, narrowly escaping the sad glances of pitying friends, colleagues and invasive neighbours. Only a foolish child….no, an idiot would carry on like this, holding a snuffed torch for all the village to see.
"Too much," He replied quietly, and then, adding sardonically, "mostly things about myself."
She couldn't help it, her eyes magnetically snapped onto his own and he was so close. His right eye was dark, a bottomless pool of unamed emotion, slightly wrinkled around the corners. From this distance, she could see the fine lines around his mouth and eyes. Her eyes rested on his porcelain neck, for safety of course.
"Huh," She murmured softly, clearing her throat.
She felt an ache in her fingertips. It wasn't as she imagined, morose and want filled her insides. There were fantasies, but.. But...
In those fantasies she saw practised fingers entangled in her hair, familiar lips on her jaw, near her neck, whispers in her ear, tadaima, tadiama, Sakura...
Fantasies.
He felt kilometres away from her despite being here. Now. Breathing the same air, walking a beat or two behind her step. She inwardly knew the awkwardness was partially her responsibility….but a small, immature but peristent part of her didn't care.
"Well, whatever you learned must've been enough," She said half-heartedly, resolutely walking forward, not caring if her pretending wasn't good enough.
She turned to appraise him, eyes soft and bottom lip being gnawed by her teeth. Her heels dug into the soft, murky red soil. The beaten path before them their only audience.
"You're back for good right?"
Her attempt at feigning ariy good nature failed miserably, his dark eyes swallowing her whole. She couldn't bear if this was temproary, she just couldn't.
He turned away fractionally, she imagined he was taking in the Konoha sights, the burgeoning infrastructure and lush, fresh green. He had missed a lot. Eighteen months was enough to miss the beginnings of a home he had so passionately stated he would rebuild.
"Is that the memorial?" he murmured distantly, vaguely gesturing to his right. Sakura somberly took in the peaking gray tombstones, inwardly shivering. She rubbed her bare arm instinctively and she could practically feel the burn of his eyes as her head snapped up.
She absentmindedly nodded, halfheartedly turning so she could continue to walk ahead.
You're back for good right?
"I will pay my respects again. Soon," He whispered, nearing and she could feel his dark cloak enveloping her before seeing him actually do it. The warm weight of his cloak immediately settled the gooseflush marring her skin. His fingertips lightly danced on her shoulders, the ghost of his touch searing. Sakura willed her horrendous blush to disappear as she stomped ahead, tightening the cloak around her with a hurried word of gratitude.
She noted that his voice was missing its usual confidence as he spoke about the memorial and Sakura nearly turned around to look at him. She held herself steady. It wasn't her job to assuage him of his guilt, the depth of his regrets and sins. That was a lesson she learned the hard way. All these years, she wanted to help him shoulder the immense….feeling he carried around him, weighing him down. He didn't want that though, and the last few months had eroded whatever faith she had left.
"You still remember where Yamanaka flower shop is right?" She replied, the cadence in her voice purposefully higher.
His soft grunt in the affirmative flittered with the wind, lightly caressing her ears.
They continued to walk aimlessly, the cobbled sidewalk's rhythemic edges the only thing reverberating in Sakura's mind. She'd take a peek or two at her peripheral, watching him stare sullenly ahead.
Eventually she'd have to ask where he was going. Eventually she'd have to ask again if he really was home, for good.
Eventually she'd have to face him and the horrible, stomach-churning regret she felt.
Not of waiting for him….never that. But regret for the time lost, the changes missed, and how her heart felt so unfulfilled. She'd given him everything-heart, body and soul and she was so very tired of not feeling good enough. She'd come to the painful realization a week or so ago that her love for him, her devotion, began in her childhood and stayed stagnated the entire time.
And it wasn't fair anymore. It wasn't enough waiting for a possibility. Especially when she tasted that possibility, under a mass of sheets and their staggering breaths the only sound.
His letter signaling his return was truly ill-timed. Sakura had never felt more embittered.
"I'm sure you're hungry," she murmured, her fingers twisting comfortingly around the drawstring of his bag, shoulders hunched.
"Hn, there's Ichiraku," He whispered, pointing ahead. Sakura had to squint as it was practically nightfall now. She began trudging forward, actuely aware of how Sasuke waited for her to take the lead once more. She comfortingly tucked pink trendils behind her ear, fussing. She couldn't help but read into it. Was he nervous? Afraid?
She shook her head blithely, stifling a laugh. It's been so long that her fine-tuned art of reading Sasuke had failed her. Fiction and reality were melding together in a way she hardly anticipated.
She deliberately took in a hearty gulp of air. Campfire ash and Sasuke's scent in its glory masculinity filled her nostrils.
Not everything was fiction, a small voice inside of her conceded.
You're back for good...right?
Ichiaraku's distinctive aroma filled the air before her eyes took in the familiar emerald lining the outside of small establishment. The sliding door was ajar, bobbing heads and uproarious crowd evident as they neared closer.
All too quickly, agreeing to Ichiraku seemed like a horrible mistake. Her feet were rooted in the uneven pavement, inexplicably paralyzed. After an eternity, Sasuke finally stood beside her and she just knew he was burning eyeballs into the side of her head. She let out a shaky breath-one, two.
"Are you okay?" Sasuke murmured quietly.
Sakura finally turned to look at him and she knew she was unravelling. She couldn't do this. She couldn't pretend that she wasn't maddeningly in love with this man. She couldn't hide the sheer elation that they were going to Ichiraku together. For a meal. Just the two of them. And mixed in with that love and unbridled joy was a hollow pain and realised shame-she couldn't quit him. Ever. Not matter what he said…..did-
"It's fine. You can go home," Sasuke added with finality, brushing past her to walk ahead, his voice violently pulling her out of her internal self-loathing.
She realised belatedly that she hadn't even deigned him a response to his question. She definitely didn't know what she was feeling but she was fairly certain that okay was the wrong descriptor. Still, she should've responded.
The petty girl inside of her crowed that it served Sasuke right. Perhaps he'd finally learned what it felt like to be utterly ignored.
Sakura bit the inside of her cheek, shame filling her as she followed Sasuke at his heel.
"I really am okay," Sakura announced, resolutely watching his back as he trudged forward, "I'm out of sorts is all."
Sasuke halted so quickly that Sakura nearly collided into him. She watched his shoulders rise and fall, her heart beating with anticipation.
Sasuke turned around fractionally, and he took in a shaky breath, almost steeling to look at her. Fiction, Sakura, fiction.
"I'm sorry," Sasuke breathed, looking shame-faced, left fist gripping at his side, "It's late and I'm sure you just came from the hospital, right? I shouldn't have assumed. It was-
"Sasuke-kun," Sakura interjected, shaking her head vigrously as she took hold of his knuckle-white fist, "You don't have to apologise."
He peered down to her two small hands engulfing his fist like a vice and instantly Sakura felt the familiar hot flush at the back of her neck, warming her cheeks. She resolutely stared at the gravel underfoot, fruitlessly attempting to steady her breath.
That was when she felt the hardened pads of his fingers lightly brush the underside of her own. Achingly slow and feather-like, it was so easy to assume it was a figment of her overzealous imagination.
Sakura's head snapped up and she resolutely peered up at Sasuke, bottom lip entrapped by her teeth. She could feel her breath escaping from her nose, her hands loosening around his fist. Sasuke firmly held her gaze, his fingers still zigzagging lightly on her fingertips.
Sakura had enough.
"I-I should go home, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said with finality, her voice thick with unshed tears.
It was one thing to be rejected. That she could understand. This unending confusion, with unpredictable leaps and drops, were an entirely different form of torture she couldn't withstand.
Sasuke grunted in the affirmative, eyes closed pensively. She once again lead the way, her pace brisk and purposeful. Sasuke trailed behind her, his footfalls almost deafening.
It felt like an eternity passed by the time Sakura's apartment building came into view. The new building was practically iridescent in the night, it's limitless windows and metallic scaling blinding amongst the older, pre-Fourth War homes. Sakura wondered blithely if Sasuke realised that they were only minutes away from Naka River and consequently, the old Uchiha compound. Although some parts of the compound were restored, such as the gardens and ryokans, the ancient Uchiha stronghold was still in rubbles. Initially, Sakura had quarelled with the Godaime about not sending word to Sasuke and including him in the restoration efforts. Tsunade had wisely informed her that it was a conversation best held in person and with utmost respect, when Sasuke was ready.
"What I will not do is treat the Uchiha merely as an afterthought to Konoha's history " Tsunade remarked briskely, eyes narrowing, "during these times of hard-earned peace, we will change our patterns and not repeat the same cycle."
Sakura sighed warily, arms folded protectively in front of her. A part of her felt the slightest tinge of guilt at their abrupt reunion. She slid off his tattered black cloak, its warm embrace leaving her cold.
"I'm sorry," Sasuke murmured with a sigh, reaching over and swiftly grabbing the cloak from his hands. It stayed bunched in his fist, his eyes tightly closed.
"You keep apologising Sasuke-kun….but I'm not too sure for what, anymore," Sakura replied quietly, staring resolutely ahead of her.
"For everything," He added, his breathing staggered.
"Everything…" She echoed hollowly, her lips in a hard line. Her mind immediately drowned with the onslaught of memories, of his fingers stroking in her hair, his teeth nipping at her earlobe, his voice repeating her name like a prayer.
"I want to restore….whatever bonds I destroyed," He continued, this time facing her and regarding her carefully. His voice was so quiet, fragile.
Restore. What exactly was he restoring?
Sakura's lips settled grimly, her eyes filled with unshed tears. Her throat was on fire, screaming for release. She turned to him, smiling apologetically.
"Ah. Sasuke-kun, I think it's late and perhaps, well…"
Sasuke eyes widened fractionally for a split-second and he gracefully regained his composure, replying "Yes. I should go. Goodnight."
Sakura waved with a breathy goodnight of her own as she bounded up the stairs, sliding doors at the ready. She instinctively looked behind her, out of habit and there stood Sasuke. He was at the foot of the stairs, watching her enter her building. Her heart hammered in her ribcage and she just couldn't take it. As much as it pained her to be the one always clarifying, explaining, defending, confessing…...always, always, forever and-
"And for the record Sasuke-kun, I don't want to restore our bond," Sakura proclaimed in a hurried breath.
She could tell it took heavy effort for his jaw to not slacken, even from this distance. Leave it Sasuke to remain as stony as Hokage Rock.
"I want...I want a new bond with you. A friendship," She added, smiling softly.
"Ah," Sasuke murmured disgruntedly, clearly not appreciating being taken aback. His cloak hang loosely from his grip, his right foot lightly bouncing on the step ahead of him.
"I want us to understand one another," Sakur continued, carefully choosing her words, "I'm different...we're different. Everything's changed and our old bond would be fitting a square peg into a circle."
"Friendship," He echoed, eyes narrowed in….confusion? The irony of it all wasn't missed by Sakura. She was expecting him to be grateful, escaping her ire and questions….especially after...well, everything if she used his own words.
Sakura nodded eagerly, forcing herself to trudge ahead. She'd take friendship over a one-sided, promised romance anyday. She had the inkling that was all he could offer, but it was all but confirmed now. It wasn't like he showed her anything to the contrary.
At least, not verbally the pesky voice inside of her clarified darkly.
Sakura waited for his reply, hands twisting behind her back and eyes darting from his vacant stare, his limp cloak and hardened neautral expression. The silence stretched on and Sakura concluded she had to lighten the mood.
Coughing abruptly, Sakura inched forward, wagging a finger, "And as the first tenent of our friendship, I forbid you from apologising to me."
Sasuke sighed, his lips betraying him into a ghost of a smile. One eyebrow lifted curiously in reply.
"There's no need for an apology when we avoid hurting each other to begin with." Sakura emphasized, eyes beseeinchingly staring into his mismatched orbs, praying for him to understand her meaning. She was over his all-purpose apologies. Or the remnants of a nearly decade old guilt.
"Hn," Sasuke drawled, firmly holding her gaze, and then with a tilt of his head he refuted, "But in the event….that I do hurt you..."
"Then we talk about it," Sakura quickly interjected, shrugging.
Sasuke shook his head in wonderment and Sakura couldn't help but smile ruefully now.
"I know that seems more painful than apologising to me but it's a non-negotiable I'm afraid."
Sasuke face was stony as soon as the words left her lips, the airy camraderie between them snuffed away instaneously.
"It's never been painful….to apologise to you. Never," Sasuke muttered, voice shaky.
Sakura willed the instaneous flush in her cheek to go away, swallowing the gasp that almost left her lips.
"Okay, Sasuke-kun," Sakura murmured, "I'm-"
"Don't apologise," Sasuke interrupted gruffly, smirking, "Remember?"
Sakura giggled softly, nearing the entrance of her apartment again. The rollercoaster of emotions that always came with interacting with Sasuke never would cease, it seemed.
"Well, I'd better get inside. You're more than welcome to add your own non-negotiables, Sasuke-kun," Sakura added airly.
Sasuke nodded once, eyes crinkled in quiet mirth. It was Sasuke's turn to wave this time, a solemn tilt as he faced forward and made his way to Gods know where. Sakura watched through the glass doors as he made a turn to the right when the sinking feeling of unfinished business crept into her stomach. She slammed right fist into her left hand in sudden realization, careening through the glass doors.
"Sasuke-kun!" She shouted, hanging onto the slick, silver railing. He instantly turned around, though his expression was muddled from this distance.
" I nearly forgot to say it. Okaeri!" Sakura sang, grinning widely.
And finally, after a beat or two:
"Ah. Tadaima. For good."
A/N: welp, this is my interpretation of the blank period. it's been nearly a decade since i wrote fanfic and the nostalgia freight train hit me hard as i wondered about my most cherished OTP sasusaku…..only to find out that they were married, had the most precious baby and my quick spiral into obsession lead to this. i resolve to try and see this fic through.