Old Sanctuaries

A/N: Hello all! So this is my first AMC fanfic, and this chapter is short just to set you up. In case you don't get it along the way, much of the current storyline is the same, with my own little spin on it. An important change to be aware of is Kendall and Jake's relationship. Do not be alarmed: strictly platonic. You'll find out the specifics of their relationship, but to start you off, they were friends in college, slept together once, and are pretty much the Kendall/Ryan before the Kendall/Ryan. For the sake of the story, let's pretend they've had more scenes together and everyone is aware of their history. Let's begin!

Inevitably, she was the outcast again.

She tucked Ian and Spike into bed and watched them sleep for a few minutes. Repeatedly trying to assure herself that her children were all she needed, she failed miserably as thoughts of the love of her life and the brother she just lost flooded her mind. She refused to let the tears start falling again as she backed out of her children's room, waiting till the door was closed to let a sob escape while willing her strength to rise.

Sitting in the living room she glanced at the photos she strategically placed around the room, a sort of constant reminder that she was always surrounded by family, blood or chosen. Kendall cringed when she thought of the night's earlier events: she lost her only brother, came across as easily dismissing her brother to her mother, had probably lost her two best friends, and ultimately disappointed her husband, again. What seemed to disturb her the most was that something broke between the two of them, her husband, her life-partner. She didn't know when, how, or why, but she was certain. They were holding on to bits of wreckage, not one piece stable enough to hold on to.

And then there was Annie. She just knew she was up to her tricks again. She knew it. A lone tear slid down her now make-up free cheeks. No matter what Annie did to hurt Ryan or Greenlee, no one deserved to lose a child. The reality was all too real, and she had probably been the one to cause it.

Feeling slightly dizzy she steadied herself and sat up when she heard keys jiggling and finding their way to the lock. She knew there wasn't any way to brace for what had to happen, the things that were going to be said, but she loved her husband. She wasn't going down without a fight.

Zach seemed to not expect her up, which surprised her. He knew her. At least she was sure he did until the past couple of weeks.

He placed the keys on the table and took his jacket off. He was going to set on the adjacent chair but pivoted, making is way to the bedroom.

"Zach," Kendall called, her voice sounding wounded.

He continued to stare in the direction he was headed for a few moments before turning to look at her. He still didn't make eye contact, no matter how much her intense gaze willed him to.

"I'm sorry," she started, already realizing how lame it sounded, "I was wrong. I did everything…wrong."

He still hadn't answered, or made any indication of how he felt. She hated when he acted cold with her. Yes, she usually brought it on herself, but it was beginning to slowly piss her off. He should've acknowledged her sincerity. Okay, that last part was a bit selfish.

"Zach, I don't know what else to say."

It seemed like forever, but it was only a few seconds. He slowly took a step forward and looked her in the eyes.

"There is nothing else to say." He took a step back. "You went too far Kendall. No matter how you felt about Annie, you shouldn't have confronted her in the hospital."

Kendall stood up. "I know that now, Zach, I-"

Zach looked at his wife incredulously. "You know that now, Kendall? You always say that. It's beginning to lose ground."

Feeling like the wind was momentarily knocked out of her, she composed herself and leaned on the arm chair for support. I should've eaten.

"What are you saying Zach?"

"I'm saying," he grunted, growing more agitated with each breath she seemed to take, "you know what, I don't know what I'm saying."

He met her confused gaze.

"What I do know, is that I'm going to bed, because this, this is what I'm not dealing with right now." He walked quickly to their bedroom and shut the door.

She sighed and sat back down.

Ten minutes later she decided that she wasn't going to be that person who sits on the couch because the other person implied that they didn't want her in the room that was theirs to share. She grabbed her keys, her jacket, and quietly closed the door to not wake anyone. Luckily she parked on the street and could get away without alerting Zach.

Not that he would come for me right now, even if it is 2 o'clock in the morning.

Pulling up to the dock she got out and sat on the pier, happy to see the place that stilled her thoughts beginning to do just that. Water was her sanctuary; it never judged her, had enough love to go around, yet seemed to always be there solely for her. It gave her the answers or showed her where to find them; most of the time anyway.

She wasn't quite sure what her life was going to be like now, but she knew she had a lot of mending to do, and she had to start with herself. She wasn't ready to say it out loud just yet, but she knew she had changes to make; she just wasn't sure how she was going to make them.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Kendall nearly had a heart attack, so enwrapped in her thoughts she didn't hear anyone approach until they were there.

"Geez Martin, what's with the stealth-mode?"

Jake chuckled and sat next to Kendall, "I am not light on my feet Ken, you were just thinking hard. Did it hurt?"

Kendall punched him in the shoulder. "I told you to stop calling me that, I'm not a man."

"I dunno, you sure can hit like one," he replied, rubbing his shoulder. "So, what's up former lover?"

Kendall scoffed but couldn't help the smirk that formed. "It was one time Martin, get over it."

"Ah," he mocked, placing his hand over his heart, "but it was so magical."

Kendall smiled and stared back at the ocean. "I messed up Jake."

He nodded. "Yup. You did."

"Like, big time."

"Royally."

"You sure know how to make a girl feel better," she quipped, sadness streaming through. She leaned into him and they sat there for a few moments.

"How are you feeling, really?" He felt Kendall tense but then relax, guessing the strain of the day's events had made her momentarily forget the more pressing issue in her life.

"I'm doing good. Nothing to report here." She could feel him shake his head.

"Liar."

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be; I was supposed to make everything right and make sure everybody was okay before-" her voice hitched.

He sighed heavily and finished for her. "Before your year is up?"

She chuckled bitterly. "You mean before I die?"