Forgiven and Forgotten

"Why am I here?" I questioned myself, clutching the glass of orange juice between my palms as I stared out into the café. In each corner of my eyes I see different groups of people that would have nothing to do with each other chatting; ever though they were of different ages, different schools or living in another part of the country, they were all united under one common fact: that they were survivors; they had lived through the horror of being stuck in a virtual reality known as Sword Art Online. The people gathered here would be as close as family after what they had been through; so what was I doing here sitting in the corner? I contemplated the question as I sipped my drink, my eyes wandering to my brother and my thoughts about flying away…

No; he isn't really my brother. Kirigaya Kazuto or Kirito as everyone else would know him from SAO is my cousin actually; his parents who were my aunt and uncle died while he was young and my mother adopted him into our family. It was only until recently that I knew of this, while he was still trapped in what I would later know as Aincrad and how I started to have feelings for him.

I'd heard of how nurses fall in love with their patients, it even occurred frequently enough to warrant a name for it; the Florence Nightingale Effect. However, I wasn't a nurse, I was his cousin, his stepsister, but I was developing feelings for him nonetheless, visiting him when I could and hoping that he would wake up. So when he finally awoke, my eyes flowed with tears; thankful to the miracle that had happen and he begun to be nice to me once more, like when we were little before he distanced himself from me, I felt that my desire was being answered, that I had been finally given a chance and maybe… just maybe… I could… And that was when I learned of Yuki Asuna.

How many times could you get rejected by the same person before you finally stop trying? For me, it took me three tries. When I learned that Kazuto had formed a relationship with someone he met in SAO, it was his first rejection to me. He didn't know of the hurt he caused me, I masked over my own feelings with the fact that he was safe and sound now. I visited Miss Asuna with Kazuto before, wanting to see her for myself; telling myself that if I could see her, I would finally believe that my feelings would never reach him and move on. But upon my visit; seeing how he held her delicate hands in his, his ebony eyes reflecting an immense amount of concern to the lady lying subconsciously on the hospital bed, I was overwhelmed with jealousy.

I had always wondered what evil felt like; watching television shows, books and movies from young, I always wondered how all the bad guys became the way they are, bad; on that visit though, I sort of understand how, because I had malice written all over my heart. When Kazuto had excused himself to go to the toilet, his eyes only leaving Asuna when he exited the door; the wickedness within me consumed my every being. Thoughts of hurting her crossed my mind; unplugging cords, cutting power off, smothering her with a pillow, choking her with my bare hands, all the evil that you could think off filled me; I became a selfish bitch at that point, and I enjoyed it. My mind turned towards Kazuto, I could sow discords between them, demoralize him, keep him from visiting this vixen, breaking them apart, and when he was at his lowest, I would seduce him so that he would utterly be mine and only mine. I was well aware that Asuna didn't do anything wrong, anything but taking Kazuto's heart away from me. At that point, I just wished she never existed.

I never acted on any of those thoughts though, not because Kazuto came back in time, but rather the values that I held kept me from doing those unspeakable deeds. Years of training in Kendo had taught me to press my advantage when I can, being cold-hearted and ruthless during a duel in order to attain victory but yet always remembering to display respect and honor to my opponent. What I had wanted to do to Asuna go against everything that I have come to learn and so on that day nothing happened on the surface, but an internal war had broken out inside me.

While Kazuto was trapped in another reality, I wanted to understand why he had drifted into the virtual world. That was when I discovered ALfheim Online, the world of fairies. I became enthralled by this new reality, the people here, the locations to explore and most of all, the ability to fly. I had discovered the joy of flying, the wind blowing past my face, my hair fluttering in the sky, the shackles of gravity disappearing, it made me feel like I could do anything. And then I thought of my feelings to Kazuto. While not immersing myself in this other reality, my inner conflict took a great deal of time for me to handle.

Between my beliefs and my feelings laid a great deal of ups and downs from me. On some occasion I would have denied that there was anything between Kazuto and Asuna yet deep down I knew the truth but just wouldn't accept it. On other times I would rage at the circumstances that I was given, just like how I had tried to blame and eliminate Asuna when honestly she did no harm. On certain days I would begin to bargain with myself, maybe I could be like Asuna and he could love me instead? I was being delusional of course. On several nights I would cry alone on my bed, hugging my giant brown bear tightly; depression flooding me at my unrequited love. And then there were those moments of acceptance; that ultimately it was my brother's happiness that was the most important and I wish them both a long and happy relationship. But this cycle continued, out of order and at any given time, until I met someone else in the world of fairies. Or so I thought…

He fell from the sky, saved me, and as I adventured with him, I begun looking forward to meeting with him, get jealous when other girls came close to him, care for him, I was feeling the same way for this dark fairy as I have for Kazuto. And in my heart, because I knew that Kazuto's heart was with Asuna, I decided that I would devote myself to my new partner instead. That was until I heard that word escaped his lips, "Asuna". The reveal that Kirito was in fact Kazuto was unknowingly his second rejection to me.

I logged out, overcame with anger at the truth, clutching the device that allowed me to travel to the other world; tears starting to form as the truth begun to settle in, anger dissolving to sadness. And then came the door knock. He politely asked if I was there, I responding by exploding at him behind the door, my anger renewed and mixed with my sadness; asking or rather pleading him not to open the door. I didn't want him to see me this vulnerable, so fragile, I wanted to be left alone to sort out my feelings once again. He then had the audacity to ask me what was wrong, that he was as surprise as I was and he begun to apologize for entering another virtual reality so soon after escaping SAO, explaining that he had no choice. The whole reason he gave aggravated my emotions even more; he utterly did not understand why I was reacting this way. My love for him… he didn't even see it. No, he knew about my feelings but he chose to ignore it. That thought enraged me even more; I raced towards the door, flinging it open to smack my feelings on to him so that he can no longer ignore it.

I poured everything out, how I had betrayed my own heart; to give up my love for him and gave it instead to Kirito but only to realize that they were one and the same person, all this time unable to meet his eyes as I confessed. I felt like a fool, what were the chances of someone giving up on a boy to love him again?! I was mad at Kazuto for being Kirito, ever thought he did nothing wrong; but truly I was mad at myself for betraying Kazuto for someone else, like karma coming full circle to punish me for being a dirty little bitch. He avoided the whole thing once more pulling the sibling card out and my temper flared up; I shut him down by glaring directly into his eyes, my whole composure trying to tower over him as I raised my voice that I was well aware of our relationship. In turn his composure slacked and his eyes widen, he was completely caught off guard by what I had said, but I wasn't finished.

I laid out how he had originally quit kendo and avoided me because he knew of our relationship, that I wasn't his real sister and so because of that I grilled him then why he was so nice to me now. I told him that I was so glad about his return from SAO, but as I got into the next part I tighten my fists and held my arms closer, this was the part that I really wanted to voice to him; how he was being so nice to me, just like when we were young, I thought that he was giving me a chance to fall in love with him. He avoided my gaze as I sobbed, expressing that I had wished he would have continued to be a jerk and not have given me this false sense of hope. At last I could no longer hold back my tears and I let my sorrow flow out, covering my hands to halt my tears and reserve what little amount of dignity I had left as I blamed him how if he had continued to be a jerk I would not have come to the realization that I had fallen in love with him, became depressed to learn about Asuna or as I stomped my feet to display my resentment, tried to fall in love with Kirito instead.

He couldn't look at me at that point, his eyes telling me he was at a loss of what to do as I recomposed myself to realize that I had gone too far with what I had said. He simply replied with two words "I'm sorry". A moment of wanting to violently assault him passed through me; it was his third rejection to me. Those two words were like an arrow that pierces right through me because the truth was crystal clear in front of me. Moreover, I paused to look at myself and all I saw was an evil bitch; I was hurting the man I wanted to be happy with. With that I told him to leave me alone before gently closing my door; curly up on my bed with my legs brought up to my chest and my arms embracing myself while I continue to sob, partly to reflect on what had just transpired but mainly to hide my own disgust over how evil I have become… I had to atone myself.

So I decided to accept Kazuto's meeting in ALfheim, on the way I encountered (or rather ambushed by) my friend and classmate Shinichi where he, with a bitter sense of irony, confessed his love for me which I reacted by sending him flying down a flight of stairs. Despite how he had come on too strong, I was slightly envies of his attitude; his ability to stand right back up ever thought he was such a klutz.

I had a duel with my brother, wishing to settle my sins with my swordsmanship; our battle was reminisced of the Kendo duel that we had a couple of days ago. Even during the heat of battle however, I wasn't focused, my emotions still aflutter; if grandpa was still here I would have been severally reprimanded for such lack of form and disrespect to my opponent. But grandpa, this was the only way I could think to gain forgiveness… So as the last drops of my tears made contact with the platform, I threw myself at Kazuto's blade, letting mine go; it was akin to throwing in a white towel in boxing, to surrender. But instead I found myself in the arms of my brother instead; he too had thought of the exact same thing and we came to forgive each other.

And so from there the story continued; I helped him ascend the grand quest and waited for him to save Asuna and then the happy ending...

Except that it was not for me.

Did you know that on the way to the party at the café, I wept silently on the bus with Asuna and my brother only a few sits away? They were so blissful with each other that I felt like my presence, my existence ceased in that time period. I cried because I came to realize that he was sorry about treating me badly when we were young, and not because of the feelings that I had for him. My incredible brother, savior of a death game and clearer of an unbeatable quest had brushed passed my feelings for him and ignored it completely. Do you know how that feels like?! Even after spelling out my heart for him… For him to disregard, to overlook my feelings towards him?! And so I cried, not because of having my feelings being neglected; I had given up already, I knew his heart can never be mine, I wish nothing but the best to both of them. But my tears were because I felt so redundant that my own feelings could be forgotten. Why was I going to the party? I was invited by my brother, sure but I had no reason to be there. I was stuck on the bus seeing my brother and Asuna holding hands, leaning against one another, a match forge through hardship and made in heaven; while my presence a total non-existent to either of them.

I forgive my brother and Asuna, they had done nothing wrong, but that doesn't mean the pain I felt disappeared as a result. I had to figure this out alone, I could no longer turn to my brother for comfort. Maybe a coup de grâce… a final dance… perhaps? No, those only exist in an anime or a fairy tale… What I need is to forget; something that the freedom of the sky and the lack of ground underneath me can provide me.

Author's note:

So this story was inspired by a fantastic cover done by Miss Amanda Lee of the English version of the second ending song to Sword Art Online, Overfly. If you could, please give a listen to her beautiful cover at her Youtube channel: LeeandLie. (Wish I could throw the link here but I'm worried about using links in Fanfiction; Google/Youtube for her channel) She has also done the first ending and the two opening to the wonderful world of Sword Art Online which are equally amazing. I am not affiliated to her in any respect, I just wanted to share good music when I hear them.

A bit on Miss Kirigaya Suguha, I didn't realize that people didn't like her. I for one don't because I understand what it's like to be in her position. I would pat her on the head (no hugging like Miss Amanda; respectable distance between male and female for me) because she doesn't deserve the amount of negativity just because she loved someone.

And to people who are in a similar situation as our lovely Leafa/Lyfa; it's okay to be heartbroken knowing that the person you decided to devote yourself to will never reciprocate your feelings, it's perfectly fine. You may be stuck in this depressing cycle for days,weeks, months or even years; I took around 7-8 months with counseling just to get myself back up, but I just would like to say this, my counselor told me something that blew my mind:

"Mourning is perfectly fine, you can even mourn your entire life, but are you going to let it stop you from living life to the fullest?"

So now I still mourn the loss of someone I loved deeply; wishing that she is happy with her new boyfriend and with her life while I continue to live my life. I hope this can help someone out there.

I don't own Sword Art Online or any of its characters. Thank you for taking your time to read. I would appreciate it if you could leave a review. If you identified a spelling or grammatical error feel free to just point it out.