A/N: Once upon a time in October, I intended to participate in CommonFlower's challenge and received a title from Beloved-the-Fool to write a matching story. But real life rained on my parade so that I could only write the story now. The structure is different from my usual writing style. I hope you enjoy it anyway (or because).
In case you wonder - I haven't abandoned my other story "Please (don't) lie to me". My muse just wanted me to write this first.
Beloved-the-Fool: This is for you. Thank you for not being mad at me because I made you wait for so long.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. Not mine.
There is that time at night when the silence is so loud that you can't sleep, when your thoughts revolve around the one topic that is always nagging you, surfacing whenever there is nothing else to distract you. People are different. Some are able to imagine things; some can only rely on facts. Cal Lightman has a very vivid imagination. Especially at three o'clock in the morning. In his mind, the topic he fantasizes about on a regular basis will happen something like this...
- Opening Scene: Darkness -
Cal has fantasized so many times about how it will happen that the variety of scenarios is seemingly endless. At the end of the day, though, he always comes back to one scenario that is his favorite.
- First Scene/First Shot: The darkness brightens up and melts into a wide-angle-shot of his office -
It has to happen in his office; there is no doubt about it. Cal is aware that it is a testosterone thing, that it has to be his office because it is his terrain. He doesn't go as far as admitting to himself that he wants to mark her as his territory by letting it happen there, but deep down he knows it's the truth. Of course, he knows. No one can lie to him, not even himself.
- First Scene/Second Shot: Same wide-angle-shot of his office but bathed in soft light now -
It can only happen late in the evening, sometime after sundown, when there is no one left in their premises but the two of them. Gillian will never allow it to happen there otherwise, not when there is a risk that someone might walk in on them or overhear them. (Although Cal hopes there would be a lot to overhear if they had unasked-for eavesdroppers; something he would be determined to avoid, of course, not for his sake but for hers. In fact, he couldn't care less, would actually like or at least not mind someone overhearing them and therefore knowing that he and Gillian are together that way. Bloody hell, when it finally happens, provided it will happen at all, he wants the whole world to know.)
- First Scene/Third Shot: The camera zooms in, focusing on the couch -
It will be like one of the chocolate desserts Gillian loves so much, the ones with a solid outside and a runny inside. He will have to break through the solid outside first, through their line that is firmly in place on some days and almost nonexistent on others, to get to the inside and its temptations. Cal might be wrong, but he always imagines that Gillian will hesitate when she realizes he is eventually going for it, will maybe even try to stop him. For that reason, he needs one of their moments when emotions run high and leave their usual defense mechanisms behind. A moment after they just solved a difficult case or simply after they had a tough day. In those moments, the difference between outside and inside is barely palpable. There is only this invisible bond between them that practically forces them to give in to their need to be drawn together because it is the only place where they are able to breathe.
In Cal's imagination, this is the only realistic scenario that enables him to get as emotionally and physically close to Gillian as necessary so that he will be able to convince her to ignore whatever doubts she might have. A scenario that includes that they will end up on his couch. It's a comfortable couch, worn out from use; they love to sit on it and talk or share a glass of Scotch in silence. And on that special day, they will talk, there will be silence, and then...
- First Scene/Forth Shot: Camera panning so that the attention is solely fixated on Gillian -
There is not one dress, skirt or other piece of clothing Gillian owns that Cal doesn't like or rather enjoys – the more cleavage, the tighter the skirt or dress, the higher the heels, the better. He is a walking cliché when it comes to that. In this respect, it doesn't really matter what Gillian will wear. In his fantasy, though, she always wears a black skirt and a white blouse along with high heels that make her muscles stretch in that sexy way he could watch all day.
There is always that one, crystal clear scene, like a high-resolution photography, in which Cal can see himself reach out and touch one of her calves, letting his hand wander over her skin with relish. Maybe this will be the trigger that will start it all (Cal is adaptable regarding this, a classic kiss being only one of many other possibilities). However, it would be one of his preferred options.
- First Scene/Fifth Shot: Camera panning so that the attention is solely fixated on Cal but only briefly; then the camera angle swings back to Gillian -
...because, really, it doesn't matter what he looks like or what he wears when Cal's entire focus is on Gillian. Plus, he will take off whatever he will be wearing, anyway, so why bother? (You could argue that Gillian will take off her clothes, too, but concerning this matter his fantasy varies on a daily basis. Sometimes Cal spends a lot of time imagining how he will undress her as slowly and sweetly torturous as possible and sometimes his fantasy skips the details between reaching out to touch her and pressing her bare skin against his in a sensual frenzy. So, bottom-line: Her clothes are relevant, his aren't.)
What is also relevant is that he will pull her toward him and not push her back. Gillian has to be the one who sets the rules, who is in control, has control over him. (Whenever Cal thinks of that, her line about wanting to be tied up comes to his mind. Oh yes, he wants her to be the one who is in control so that maybe they can turn the tables sometime. Ab-so-bloody-lutely.) That first time, though, will start out soft and sensual. When he doesn't leave out the details between first touch and bare skin, Cal imagines his hands in Gillian's hair and on her body albeit layers of clothes are separating him from what he really wants to feel – her skin. He imagines their bodies becoming adjusted to each other first, then colliding in an effort to get even closer because no matter how close they are, it won't be enough, touches and kisses getting more and more passionate until finally clothes are pushed aside or taken off so that they are no barrier anymore. All this is not difficult to imagine; Cal saw the desire in Gillian's eyes enough times to have a more than vague idea of what to expect.
Anyway, the mental image of how it actually begins, how something they only felt emotionally up to that point in the future will transfer into something they will be able to feel physically, is the best part of his fantasy. The almost there. Sometimes Cal even stops the fantasy there – right in the middle of his preferred scenario after he touched her calve, caressed her skin with relish, and sees the naked desire in her face. It doesn't feel cruel or unsatisfying at all. To the contrary, the mere knowledge what is about to happen next has an effect on him as if he were high (and it has been decades since that happened for the last time). He feels like a twenty-year-old again, not the twenty-year-old version of him he'd rather forget but the version that thought he could do everything despite the hard times he went through, could study micro expressions, write a book about it, and establish a company one day. And look where it has gotten him.
Therefore, it doesn't matter when the pictures come to a halt as long as he has gotten as far as being close to her, touching Gillian in a way that leaves no doubt what is going to happen next, watching her facial expression change into something he has never seen before, glimpses of it at most, something that makes him want to grab right into his chest, pull out his heart and hand it to her on a silver platter. Of course, he also doesn't mind to let the fantasy play on. In fact, he usually does.
- Transitional Scene: The camera zooms out, the picture getting blurry, until you can barely make out outlines anymore; yet, you can distinguish two bodies blending into each other in the background -
It's true. Cal doesn't see the details whenever his imagination gets thus far. He wants to save that for the fantasy becoming reality. Not because he fears to be disappointed but rather the opposite. He is quite certain that nothing he is able to imagine will even come close to how it will be with her. Gillian is beautiful but no goddess; he is assertive but no hero. They are just ordinary people unless they are together or look at each other; but the moment that happens, something changes profoundly. That's why he simply can't tell how it will be aside from the fact that it will be special, blurry outlines the sharpest picture his fantasy is able to provide. (Needless to say that the blurriness of the images doesn't mitigate the arousal Cal feels whenever his fantasy takes him there. Even if he doesn't see every detail, somehow he senses everything, and everything means her.)
- Second Scene/First Shot: The picture gets sharp again, the camera panning over clothes scattered on the floor and then over two bodies lying intertwined on the couch before it stops to show a close-up of Cal, grinning broadly -
Thinking about what one might think in this or that situation is weird. Cal tried it, anyway, but gave up soon. Basically, he imagines himself just lying there with a completely blank mind and a silly grin on his face as if the cat just caught the mouse. Yes, it's a rather stupid comparison, but he has a thing for cat and mouse quotes.
What really, really, bothers him, though, is what he will say, should say, whatever. Even in advance, he is afraid to screw it up afterwards. Although Cal expects his mind to be rather blank, he is sure that one certain feeling, to be precise that crazy, little thing called love, will surface. Will Gillian expect him to say it? Or will it be too much, too soon? Either way, would he be able to say it in the first place? (Because wanting to do something and being able to do it is a completely different matter.)
It's a gap in his fantasy he isn't able to fill. Whenever he gets to that point, he imagines his face hidden in the shadows so that Gillian can't read him, doesn't want her to see his worries and doubts and misinterpret them. She has seen his love for her in his face so many times by now that she hopefully won't need the words in addition. (Of course, Cal knows that Gillian will need to hear the words. That is the good thing about fantasies – they don't disagree or demand. His fantasy can live with the gap whereas reality will force him to make a decision and fill the gap somehow. But this, right here, is his fantasy and he still has time to figure out something until reality catches up with it, if ever.)
- Second Scene/Second Shot: The camera zooms out so that both, Cal and Gillian, become the focus of attention, then zooms in again and stops to show a close-up of a serious-looking Gillian -
As difficult as it is for Cal to come up with what he will think afterwards, as easy it is for him to imagine Gillian's thoughts. She will be happy and confused at the same time. He loves that about her, that she has so many different facets. But this character trait also includes that she never goes easy on herself. Especially in such an emotional situation, thoughts and feelings will overwhelm her. Perhaps she will hope that he doesn't say something stupid, perhaps she will think about that crazy, little thing called love, too. Or maybe she will simply snuggle up to him and purr like a cat. That part is a bit irritating because wasn't he supposed to be the cat in this scenario? However, and as it is regarding fantasies and imagination, there is no logic.
Cal can't get around thinking (and almost fearing) that she will say something very rational, something like they shouldn't rush things. In particular, if he won't be able to tell her that he loves her. In this case, her insecurities and doubts will most likely take over and whisper nonsense into her ear (that it was a mistake, or worse, that he apparently thinks it was a mistake because of his inability to give voice to his feelings). That's why his fantasy usually ends here.
He simply isn't able to conserve the image of a happy (let alone purring) Gillian. Cal is aware that everything afterwards will be the hard part because of who they are, because of their complex personalities that will make their journey as wonderful as complicated. He is afraid that he won't be able to make her happy in the long run, that his flaws will outweigh his assets. In an aberration of his fantasy, Gillian even turns away from him to get up and leave. Whenever that happens, though, he has an ace up his sleeve. Cal might be a coward when it comes to everything even remotely related to Gillian and his feelings for her. However, what must be, must be. Therefore, Cal intends to do exactly this, should this scene ever take place in reality. He will look at Gillian's back (a very sexy, naked back, by the way), take a deep breath and hear how raw and true his voice sounds when he says the words. Don't go. I love you.
- Final Credits: The screen goes black, a melancholic rhythm'n'blues song starts to play -
This is complete bullshit. Cal doesn't even like blues, prefers jazz or classical music. In all honesty, he has not the slightest idea why he hears that music in his fantasy. Well, at the end of it but anyway. He should talk about that to a psychologist. Come to think of it, he has someone in mind...
Not sure whether I will leave it at that or continue. The opportunity for one or two more chapters is obviously there. ;)
We'll see. For now, it's a work in progress.